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which indeed feels light... because it's full of deflated plastic... is




Inflatable chicken rider costume!

There's a plastic bag containing...

Well, after just prying it a little bit open, the front explodes and buries you under a mountain of packing peanuts. Edible, if you need to know. However, inside it only one box... a big one. Opening this one you see...



A half-a-gallon hip flask!

Is certainly some kind of statue... You gotta break the pot open to take it out. After a short struggle, you find




A statue commemorating The Great Gnome Massacre. The garden gnome population had only just started recovering from such appalling plights as the Great Gnome Plague of ’99, and the subsequent Great Gnome Depression of the early 2000s. Now as gnome-kind everywhere find themselves on the brink of stabilization, this 19-inches-tall statue brings back memories of the most heinous calamity to befall all those under a foot tall in the Earth’s history.

It's about the size of a softball, with gold Gallifreyan writing across the deep blues, and if I'm honest I just want to know how they managed to wrap a dodecahedron when I have trouble with a shoebox. (And where they got that paper, because that's gorgeous)

-holds it to his chest- I will cherish this forever.

My box is one cubit long, and three hands wide. It is wrapped in green, with a white silk ribbon wrapped around it. Occasionally, the paper shimmers.

Are five bottles of the finest alcoholic beverage any PPC agent could possibly think of... which is also the source of the smell
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Is a thin plaque made of metal. It contains the words of ultimate wisdom

I think it's the one that rattles and emits growling noises every so often, wrapped in golden wrapping and a blue silk ribbon, with holes on its lid that emit puffs of smoke.

the cubical white box which feels extremely light.

How about the medium-sized box with the green wrapping paper covered in pineapples and Santas with Hawaiian shirts? I’m hoping for something summery (as I’m not really a winter person)!

Is it a refrigerator box? It might be a refrigerator box. It's so big that one roll of wrapping paper wasn't enough, and the natural-tone Christmas tree paper and cartoon snowmen on bright blue paper don't really go together. I suspect it contains an exasperating series of ever-smaller boxes.

~Neshomeh

Is totally incoherent better or worse than squick-inducing?

...it's clearly very old, and whatever's inside it might have archeological value.

It's a knackered plastic carrier bag of the kind that costs fivepence and in so doing has saved Earth from the threat of climate change literally forever. One of the handles has torn in half and the other has disappeared. There's a worrying smell coming from inside the bag. I can't see what's in it, but I know that it's there.

Waiting.

A completely flat, red envelope with my name hastily scrawled upon it. It's not even sealed properly.

Is indeed a coconut! However, the coconut is much lighter than average and you see the cut line. After opening the coconut, you see
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It's about the size of a shelled coconut, and wrapped in silver paper with a blue ribbon.

Up on the housetop click, click, click...
Fell down the chimney and broke his d–



Anywho, today is December 6th, known in Poland as St. Nick's Day. It's on this day that we celebrate the Man with the Gifts, flying through the sky on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer, the patron saint of prostitutes (look it up)... Old St. Nick!

And because of that, I've prepared tons of gifts for you, my lovely PPC friends. You are one of the few fragments of joy in my life, and I can't imagine having better friends.

Now then, the rules are simple: Pick a gift, any gift. Describe the box you're choosing and I'll tell you what you get!

You're hoarding fireproof snow.

I am completely doomed in the next snowball fight.

You can find a link to it here on the Wayback Machine. It's one of my favorites.

Mission-wise... I'm pretty sure it's been done before, where the agents set Sues from the same badfic against each other. Heck, I'm almost certain that I've done it before, but then again it's nearly two in the morning and my brain is fried, so I couldn't point you to any specific examples in the PPC right now. I'm sure someone else knows, though. :)

Basically throw a Sue at another, different Sue and hope one kills the other. "Let them fight"
Has it been tried? Is it even a good idea?

We just never saw any of them. (I think)

Ah well, what matters is that he managed to disappear.

Well, good luck finding him.