Subject: Hmm.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-06-27 15:39:00 UTC

I think I see what you're trying to do here, slowly building up the impression of the world (I guess?) that this guy is really gone while also leaving it eerily ambiguous. Even if he's dead, his legacy clearly lives on in some fashion. It's a cool idea.

I'm thrown off by the tense changes and inconsistent paragraphing, though. Are those things deliberate? If so, I can't work out the meaning to them. Are you trying to show a meta effect of Harrison's ability to mess with reality? I'm confused.

Also, some SPaG:

- "approached" is a very passive word for a speeding bullet and doesn't tell us how close it got.

- You want "farther" for physical distances; "further" is for everything else.

- Stray hyphen at the end of the fourth paragraph.

- "phenomena" is plural, so the phrase should be "phenomena are ... are not connected" or "phenomenon is ... is not connected".

- "amount" is for uncountable measures. Golems are countable, so you want "a small number" of them. And, where are they roaming? The house? The farmland? Somewhere else?

- Were the golems silenced by an outside force, as the current phrasing implies, or did they just run out of juice and fall silent on their own?

- It sounds a bit like it's the fire that was demolished and shipped, since that's the subject of the first clause of that sentence. It could benefit from rephrasing to put the house in that role.

I think that's everything I noticed. Again, cool idea, and I think it could be very effective with some tweaking.

~Neshomeh

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