Subject: Still confused, I'm afraid.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-06-28 21:52:00 UTC

Just as an example of why I can't make sense of it, you've got two sentences about a transition in time. The first, "Two weeks pass," is present-tense (and the rest of the paragraph is past). The second, "Another month passed," is past-tense. It doesn't seem like you're using consistent tenses for consistent sorts of thoughts, especially when you switch between tenses in the same paragraph, which happens a couple more times, in the two golem paragraphs.

And then, you addressed the instance of double whitespace between paragraphs four and five, but not the several instances of no whitespace, such as between paragraphs two and three. There should be one line of whitespace between paragraphs for standard Internet formatting.

I think perhaps it would be clearer to write the main narrative in Roman type and past-tense, with "official reporty" present-tense bits set off in italics, people's gossip in quotation marks, and standard paragraphing throughout. Right now, even with the explanation, I'm still not sure which bits are supposed to be report, narrative, people talking, or what. {= (

~Neshomeh

Reply Return to messages