Subject: Nitpicks ahoy!
Author:
Posted on: 2018-05-14 23:41:00 UTC

Normally I don't intend to break out the beta-reader hat for promptfic, but Thoth asked me to, so here we go! *cracks knuckles*

Paragraph 1, sentence 2: Tense agreement between clauses. I'd make it "but if he'd forgotten anything".

P2: Here's a good example of short sentences increasing the sense of urgency! And this continues throughout the "crisis," then stops. This is a good use of technique.

P6: I was very confused at this point on the first read-through. Who the eff is Al?, I thought. Flatmate?, I thought. Oh, I get it, it's a prequel! I mean, I figured he was doing some Laundry-related stuff from the get-go (or possibly a very involved computer game, though you did "it was actually a game!" already), but up until this point it could have been the PPC. {= )

P6,S2: Second comma unnecessary. Also, maybe "Al had poked", if the action is complete by the time Tom looks.

P8: It was not entirely clear to me what Al is referring to by "what you just said," but on the second reading, I guess it must be the "saving the world" thing? Which would not exactly be usual for Tom's desk job position? Maybe?

P8,S3: You've either got a comma where there should be a period or a capital J where it should be lowercase.

P9,S1: Sighing and huffing is a bit redundant. I'd probably just make the tag "Tom huffed defensively."

P10: I lol'd. Didn't see that coming at all. ^_^

What would I change: Maybe add a little physical detail about Al? Mussed [color] hair, or rumpled pajamas, or some little thing like that to bring him more to life.

What else did I like: Everything here has a reason to be here. No detail is wasted. The pacing is tight, the stakes feel high, and the punchline is suitably satisfying as a result.

Aaaand that's all I got! Basically, I liked it. Rite moar plz. {= )

~Neshomeh

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