Subject: Review
Author:
Posted on: 2018-05-13 01:12:00 UTC

You definitely deserve one, since you're running this whole show. {= )

I'm slightly hampered here by not knowing the continuum, so I have no clear idea what the monsters (I assume) look like, or what sort of implement Volcanic Storm is, or why people can talk through rolled-up pieces of paper on their arms. {= ) You don't necessarily have to explain every little thing someone who knows the continuum could be expected to know, but a bit of description instead of or in addition to the proper nouns here and there wouldn't hurt.

I do more or less follow what's going on, so that's good. However, I think the action could be improved by means of shorter sentences and more active voice, to increase the sense that lots of urgent things are happening very quickly. For example, the fifth paragraph could be rewritten something like this:

Cinnabar retreated as fast as she could. She didn't need to look behind her to know the Grimm were getting closer. [Maybe a bit of description of how they sound or something.] At the first opportunity, she swerved to her right, leapt into one of the few houses that wasn't either destroyed or on fire, and slammed the door shut behind her. It wouldn't stop them, but it would buy her a few seconds. She raced up the stairs. As she reached the top, she heard the Grimm smash through the walls and windows below.

Et cetera. Stopping there because I'm not sure she can really burn a hole in the ceiling and jump or climb through it faster than a bunch of monsters can climb stairs. Maybe she should torch the staircase behind her? Just a thought I had as I was typing this.

There are also commas missing at the end of the last two lines of dialogue.

With those improvements, I think you'd have a solid little piece here. Rescue missions and a selfless defender holding out until the last second to save everybody is good stuff. ^_^

~Neshomeh

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