Subject: 'Now, Finch, will you marry me?'
Author:
Posted on: 2017-12-17 11:51:00 UTC

Finch's optical sensor narrowed and glared over at Bingle in a new kind of disgust.

'This is one of the stupidest ideas you-ve ever had.'

'Alright, then, Finch,' said Bingle, narrowing his own eyes, nodding, looking down at a sheet of paper in his hands.

'Will you marry me with knowledge of the benefits of, ahem:' he raised the sheet up to his face, glanced at Finch from behind it, and continued reading. 'An extra day off per annum, permission to an RC of slightly larger than usual size, a free "do not disturb" sign, and - and - a single, guaranteed free cake for the wedding.' He looked over at it, raised an eyebrow at Finch.

'Bingle, no.'

'Free cake, Finch, for absolutely no price at all!' Bingle exclaimed, waving the sheet in Finch's optical sensor. 'That costs absolutely, literally no money, at all! In the most literal sense possible! Zero!'

'I had bloody figured that,' Finch hissed, shoving the sheet away.

Bingle shook his head and folded his arms and dramatically raised his eyebrows. 'Free cake, Finch. It might be chocolate, or even maybe have some form of ice cream or other dessert on it!'

'Why do you keep emphasising the cake? I can-t even eat.'

'Oh, it's not just cake.'

Finch pointed at Bingle, at his sheet, with an actuator. His optical sensor twisted and twirled as he said: 'You know, Bingle, there are lots of people out there for whom marriage is a very important event of deep religious meaning, with real spiritual consequences and relevance. You-re really bloody degrading them, right now.'

'Finch, I have absolutely no idea what you mean by that, and that is mainly because I was paying you no attention at all because I was thinking of all the benefits - free benefits - like cake - free cake - we could get just by entering a legally binding marriage for the rest of our lives or until our relationship degrades into apathy and occasional violent bursts of arguing and we commit an inevitable divorce, tearing a great schism between our once peaceful families.'

'No! That is so - that is so bloody dumb!' Finch ran an actuator down his optical sensor. 'You always come up with incredibly horrible ideas like this, and then you always try and drag me into them!'

Bingle wrapped his hands together and thought deeply. 'I suppose you will be saying no.'

'No! Ask someone else!'

'Maybe I just will.'

'Okay!'

'And we'll enjoy it.'

'Good!'

'That free cake and those benefits, all for free. We'll love it.'

'I bloody hope you do.'

'Okay, then,' Bingle said, eyes dramatically narrowed, stepping backwards down the hall. 'You'll regret not taking me up on this, you know.'

'No, I won-t.'

Bingle's slow shake of his head suggested that, yes, Finch would regret not taking him up on that.



Bingle returned and Finch didn't regret a single thing. Bingle walked over, heavily sat down, back arched. He looked like he had been crumpled up and thrown away. His eye did not just look black; it looked lopsided.

'DMS, right?'

Bingle nodded.

'Already married, right?'

'Very married. Also, I suspect she was some form of... dragon. Or minotaur, perhaps.' He reached around his mouth, feeling for any remaining teeth. 'Either way, she was capable of both fire-breathing and goring.'

'Right out of a dramatic mission where their relationship was put to its very limits, right?'

'The Ironic Overpower hasn't liked me very much today, Finch.'

'It hasn-t.'

'You know, in my defence, out of all the doors I knocked, I was only beaten up once.'

Bingle exhaled, Finch groaned.

'If you really want to bloody try it,' said Finch, a claw on his optical sensor. 'I will do it. Because we-re friends. And I pity you. And I-m sure that cake is bloody delicious.'

Bingle glanced at Finch. 'Really?'

Finch glanced right back, behind that claw. 'Sure, Bingle.'

'You know,' said Bingle, heftily propping himself against the wall and looking at the corner between the wall and the ceiling. 'Now that I think of it, knocking on the doors of multitudinous people I've never met before to ask if they wanted to get married for cheap benefits wasn't even a very good idea, was it?'

'I can-t believe I suggested something like that.'

Bingle nodded and said: 'You really ought to be more responsible, you know.'

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