CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Funf

Subject: CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Funf
Author: Ronion
Posted on: 2017-09-12 12:07:00 UTC

AN: Thanks to every single one of my reviewers! It's always nice to see what people think, and indeed that they think, which (as demonstrated by JayBird, brandywine_baby, and so forth) I think we all agree is such a rare joy. I should like to give particular thanks to Lemony Eggnog, who gave me cause to think about this chapter in more detail. Blame them, therefore, for its lateness, or thank them, depending on your outlook. =]

The usual disclaimer applies. I own none of the characters, only the instinct to have them start sweatily boinking in a tub full of orange jelly, which I'm reliably informed is perfectly normal and natural and won't send me to Hell. =]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. If you're under the sea, please do, but please also try not to electrocute yourself, it rarely ends well for anyone involved. =]

===

It vas beink several veeks after zer Trollenfischenpolyculen had formed, und zey had not been idle, mein goodness no. Zere had been many discussions on zer nature of beink, zer pressink cosmological und psychological issues of zer day, und how best to be gettink orange-flavoured jelly out of zeir hair und clothink. Zere had even been ein mission, vhich ve vill not be goink into today, but suffice it to be sayink zat zer upshot vas zer Suvian in qwestion had been usink sexual energies as ein power source for his attacks, und zerefore zer Doktor und his harem had spread him thinly over ein vide area.

Zey decided vun fine mornink to be goink to Rudi's bierkeller vunce again, for it vas beink zer easiest vay to seat everyvun around ein table vizzout everyvun endink up under, on top of, or wrapped around it. Also zer Doktor had been beink in contact vizz BM und ein booth capable of containing zer horde of bouncing jiggleblimps had been constructed, apparently vizz zer aid of ein chainsaw, vhich vas ein boon to all concerned. Zer group toddled amiably (und, it must be beink said, not alvays in ein straight line) until zey vere arrivink at zer bierkeller, but vere beink most shocked to find zat zeir newly-minted booth vas beink occupied!

Zer Doktor took zer lead, floppink gently over to zer seated figure, hunched over ein glass of somezink zat vas smellink like ein bucket of turpentine vhich had been beink hom to ein dead goat for several veeks. "Hallo, mein freund. Are you beink alright?"

Zer figure, who vas upon closer inspection female, looked up at zer Doktor over her glass of nonspecific brain killing juice. "Nein, I am not beink alright. I am not even beink slightly right. I am havink ein... problem."

Zer Doktor looked at her thoughtfully, vhile zer Aviator fished in ein pocket for anuzzer strip of pink leatherette und some pointy qwills. "Ja, zhere's ein lot of zat goink around at zer moment."

"I am seeink zat, but it ist not ein problem of jubbular fulsomeness, even zo I am possessed of ein pair of bristols zat are makink Pamela Anderson be lookink like ein ironink board vizz ein couple of peas glued to it. Nein, mein freund, mein problem ist vizz vhat ist underneath mein boobies."

"... If zer redness und veepink persists past three days, I must be urgink you to consult zer Medical Department vizz immediate effect-"

"Mein heart, mein small, pink freund."

"Ah. I am seeink."

Zer Aviator stuffed zer pink leatherette strip back in zer pocket with ein barely audible harrumph.

"Ja... I am believink zat you genuinely are seeink. But zhen, you must be beink zer notorious Doktor Trollenfisch, righter of wrongs, slayer of Legendaries, und creator of harems zat cater to ein peculiarly specific fetish. It ist beink easy for people to open up to you."

"Zat ist definitely zer case," replied zer Doktor as he reminisced about exactly zat. "Perhaps I can be beink of assistance in zis matter?"

"Perhaps you might."

"Vell, first I vill be needink to be knowink your name, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen. I am thinkink zat zis ist beink integral to proceedinks."

Zer Agent knocked back zer rest of her drink, vhich vas blessed relief to everyvun vizz nostrils. "Dawn McKenna."

"Ein pleasure, Agent McKenna! Zo, ve must be seeink vhat zer problem ist beink! Ist it beink ein affair of zer love vhich ist beink unreqwited, or unsuitable, or simply strange und latexy?"

"Ist latexy even beink ein vord?"

"Look at zer rest of zer script, are you thinkink zat vhether or not somethink ist beink ein vord really matters to zis author?"

"Point. Vell zhen, I suppose I must be tellink you. I... am beink in love. Vizz ein Pokémon."

"Ach, ja, I am certainly havink some experience vizz zat."

"You know, I vas somehow able to be guessink zat." Zat vas zer first time in zer whole conversation zat zer Doktor had seen Dawn smile. "But ja, it ist not beink you, mein Doktor. It ist beink old partner of mine. He ist beink zo soft, und zo fluffy, und I am just vantink to snuggle him for days at ein time!"

"Vait," interjected zer Aviator, "you aren't meanink Zeb, are you?"

Dawn just vent bright red, vhich vas normally vhat happened vhen zer Aviator talked to people, as vell as traffic accidents und nosebleeds.

"Meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, I must be beink honest vizz you: I am not seeink zer problem here. If you are beink in love, vell, you must be tellink him. Fortune favours zer bold, mein Freund, as long as zey are beink ein physical tank vizz ein decent Special Attack stat."

"Ach, Doktor, it ist not beink zo simple," said zer Aviator, her pleather corsetry glintink in zer light of zer bierkeller. "Zeb ist not beink into vomen of any species, let alone humans."

"Ahh, I am seeink now. Truly, zis ist ein Biggenstickyvicketen."

"Isn't zat zer veird bedroom activity zat vas recently banned in Albania by zer relevant ministry?" Dawn asked.

"I am not beink able to comment on court cases zat are currently ongoink," zer Doktor replied shiftily. "Regardless, I am thinkink zat you must be tellink your crush how you are feelink. Even in zer event of rejection, it vill be beink ein veight off your mind. Love ist not alvays sexual - stop sniggerink at zer back, meine kleine Funkelndeblutsaugermädchen, I can still be hearink you - und zer love of ein close und dear friend can be beink just as satisfyink as zer love zat ist involvink zer sqweaky inflatable mallet und zer host of honkink great bazoongas bouncink around like zer Kentucky Derby if it vas space hoppers instead of horses. Love ist love, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, und love ist beink zer highest good."

"Zat ist certainly beink ein lot to think about," said Dawn after ein vhile und ein other drink zat smelled of zer death of livers. "Aviator, vould you be zo kind as to arrange ein meetink vizz Zeb? I am thinkink zat zer two of us are soon to be havink ein lot to discuss."

Zer Doktor grinned hugely as zer Aviator fetched ein phone. "I am only havink vun think to be sayink to zat, meine kleine Lessensaddendrunkenmädchen."

"Vhat ist zat beink, mein Doktor?"

Zer Doktor's enormogrin spread even further across his face-analogue. "Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AT SOME POINT IN ZER FUTURE!

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[bzzzt] Hello? Hello, is this thing on? by support@FanficWorld on 2017-09-01 13:11:00 UTC Reply

*mic feedback*

Testing, testing... there we go!

Well, look at the time! September is finally here, and you know what that means!

That's right! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages (well, maybe not all ages. Preteens and up?), it is time for the annual re-opening of Fanfic World! The PPC is in dire need of more fanfic to be written about it—so go wild and have fun!

((The following has been mercilessly cribbed from hS' post last year.))

What is this? This is the thread where we let our inner badfic writers have free rein. All PPC stories are technically fanfics of the Original Series - but they're all goodfics. That's clearly unreasonable - most fanfic of anything is terrible. So this is your chance to write the baddest of the badfics. Go nuts!

Who can I write about? Any agents in the PPC are open for you to mutilate. There's a Creativity Shield around ffW, so everything here is emphatically uncanon. The only exceptions are agents of people who have left the PPC, and, if someone asks in this thread that their agents not be used, please honour that.

Where do I post? In this thread, please. I don't know if anyone will be archiving the games this time 'round—I'd do it myself, but I don't have the know-how.

What name should I post under? You should come up with the badficauthorest name you can, of course! Take a look at some of our previous examples.

What sort of story should I write? A bad one! Obviously. But also one that's fun to read. Illegible ultra-typo stories are a bit boring after the first one, y'know?

Can I leave reviews? Emphatically yes - that's half the fun of the game! But do remember to leave them in character - and equally, remember that the flames you receive are not real flames. They're a game. Don't get upset.

Do I need a beta? Hahahahahahahaha. Don't be ridiculous. ^-^ What sort of badfic writer has a beta?

Do I need Permission? Again, what sort of badfic writer asks permission? (No. No you don't.)

Why are we doing this? Because it's fun!

The Werewolf Queen by MoonlitWolfheart on 2017-09-27 17:25:00 UTC Reply

((I entirely place the blame for this one on GMA and his tendency to find completely off-the-wall werewolf matefics.))

Summary: Agent Ix, better known as Faolan, reclaims her rightful place as the pack's Alpha Queen. Harem.

I’m changing some of the characters into werewolves for the purpose of this story. I hope you like it!

Agent Ix was an enigmatic young woman. Faolan, as she was rightfully called—it meant wolf—was an agent of the PPC like everyone else, but she had a secret. A dark, monstrous secret. Faolan was a werewolf, and one that hungered for flesh. Not to eat… but to love.

She thought she was doomed to be a loner amongst agents until the day she met another werewolf, her soulmate, Charlotte Moon, and discovered she was none other than the wolf that had turned her. The secret coven of werewolves that lived in the PPC were about to gain a new pack member.

Faolan moaned as Charlotte drew her closer to her body. "Oh, Charlotte... my mistress, my Alpha, my mate..."

"What is it, my dear?" Charlotte purred, biting her ear.

"Take me away from the PPC," she said breathily. "They suppress the wolf here, make it impossible for me to transform... poison me with Wolfsbane... keep me from my pack..."

Charlotte chuckled softly and knotted her fingers in Faolan's hair. "I'll have to teach you to be a good little submissive after all these years left untrained," she growled.

"Yes, mistress," Faolan gasped, feeling a thrilling tingle race through her body at her words.

"Fifteen years away from the pack.. I should have taken you as mine from the moment I first bit you," Charlotte said.

"My parents never understood me," Faolan said, her lip curling. "They would chain me up every month rather than let me roam free to hunt as our kind has the right to!"

"Despicable," Charlotte said. She traced a finger down the side of Faolan's face. "Now that it's been so long, I'm going to need to refresh your bite. Hold still, pup."

Faolan obeyed, grateful to her mistress for the new opportunity she was giving her. She flinched when her teeth pierced the skin of her shoulder, and hot blood burned as it ran down her arm. But it was a good kind of pain, and she wished she would bite her again. She was wild with desire now, as the werewolf's saliva began to take its amorous effect on her senes.

Her eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out.

After Faolan awoke and was taken to the PPC’s hidden chambers for bathing, Charlotte ordered her to undress. She did so, shyly, but her shyness was mollified when she realized how hungrily she was looking at her body.

“Every scar you carry on your body,” Charlotte said, coming over to trace a thin one on her lip, “is a mark of your unwillingness to accept who you truly are. Your body rejects my blessing and marks you as ugly. Now that you have found your mate, however…” She leaned in and licked a scar that ran along Faolan's collarbone. There was a warm, soothing sensation, like a salve being applied to a burn, and as they watched, the scar faded away to nothingness.

As Charlotte bathed her, she licked along her skin, healing every blemish and scrape she had inflicted upon herself.

“Do not restrain yourself, my pup,” Charlotte said, her hot breath tickling her ear. “You’re like a flower denied sunlight: without it, you wilt, but when nurtured, you blossom into something beautiful.”

She looked at the mirror he held to her and gasped. Gentle, yet intense amber eyes peeked out from long, curled lashes, and her cheeks were rosy, smooth, and dangerously alluring. Her eyebrows arched inquisitively, giving her a playful, mischievous, mateworthy look, and her body was nothing but curves and smooth, flawless skin.

Charlotte couldn’t help but groan when she saw her new mate. “You look like the Queen,” she said, trailing kisses along Ix’s collarbone. “Even your scent… but no, you couldn’t be…”

“Be what?” Faolan asked.

Charlotte’s orange eyes met Faolan's amber ones.

“The reborn Werewolf Queen,” Charlotte said.

So what do you think? Leave good reviews and I’ll update again, loves! Next chapter will be about werewolfs in the PPC and I can’t wait to share with you!
Back by popular demand! by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-17 04:43:00 UTC Reply

Title: "The Cabin" (( NSFW, seriously. ))
Summary: The most uptight agent of them all finally learns to relax with a little help from a friend. Supernumerary/J. Robinson, genderbending, M/M, D/s, casual drug use.
Rating: M
Genre: Friendship/Romance
Status: Complete

You wanted it, lovelies, and you got it. Enjoy! But not too much.

Ah, who am I kidding? Go nuts! :D

--Lemony

(( A couple people encouraged me to finish this during a CAHQ game, and then Phobos practically sat on me until I did and has pronounced it good to go, so here it is!

(( As I said of the original release: This story is intended as one of the rare stealth goodfics that crop up every now and then in the fic archives. 100% non-canon, but not actually bad. YMMV on the subject material, but I did my best.

(( ~Neshomeh wrote an entire lemon ohgodohgodohgod... ))

Ummm okay so by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-17 13:32:00 UTC Reply

u do kno Numie is'nt gay right!!? ugh. He supposed to be wtih someone like a girl!

((*looks around and secretly bookmarks*))

This again? by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-17 14:24:00 UTC Reply

I'm pretty sure we had this conversation last time, only with more capslock. Once again, to quote my dear would-be rival D4rkm0k, he's totes gay. It's all there in the subtext.

That said, you are completely free to write Nume with "someone like a girl," by which I presume you mean your OC, if you want to! It would be better if you based it on his actual character and not a rancid garbage fire like Christian Grey, but hey, de gustibus non disputandem est, right?

... I miss D4rkm0k. Sigh.

--Lemony

(( I looked up the 2015 Badfic Game to quote myself. That year was kind of epic.

(( Also, yeee. ^_^ ~Neshomeh ))

Do the Tofu Hop! by lightfairy406 on 2017-09-10 05:12:00 UTC Reply

AN: You know how there's an OFU for practically every fandom out there? Well, JayBird had an inkling of a cool idea; what if there was one for the PPC? But the result was predictably illegible and Ronion kinda-sorta indirectly challenged the rest of us to rewrite it better, so, here I go! All OCs mentioned belong to their original authors.

Chapter One

On a beautiful summer morning in the Shire, an elf called Tallulah Greensleeves walked along the riverbank. Except, she wasn't truly an elf at all.

She was a fangirl. And not just any fangirl, a PPC fangirl. How she'd ended up as an elf in the Shire was anyone's guess. She said she was Legolas' sister and had learned alongside Aragorn, but she sometimes claimed that Frodo and Sam (Rosie never showed up, conveniently) had raised her. Once she'd almost convinced Merry and Pippin she was a mermaid.

Whatever the case, she was here now, and she was determined to find a way for the PPC to recognize her and sort out her situation. She kept a watchful eye out for Sues, even though most Suethors rarely if ever wrote about the Shire. If she could help identify and assassinate one, they would surely rescue her and train her in the ways of being an agent. Maybe she'd even get a chance to find true love!

As soon as she thought that, a swirling blue portal opened underneath her and dumped her flat on her butt in a dreary gray hallway. A daisy and a few dandelions turned to look at her.

Welcome to Headquarters, Miss Greensleeves, said the daisy. Please do not scream, you'll see much stranger things than psychic flowers.

"I know," said Tallulah. "I've read a whooooole lot about this business. Why am I here, anyway?"

You've been chosen to attend Tofu Hop. Did you not receive an application letter? The Daisy tilted its head slightly.

"Uh...no...? What's Tofu Hop, anyway? Sounds like a dance or a fllash game."

It's neither, said one of the dandelions. Follow us and you'll find out.

So the Daisy and the dandelions led her to (according to the very large sign next to the doors) the Not As Big As The Big Auditorium But Bigger Than The Small Auditorium Auditorium, which was full of fangirls.

Tallulah only noticed the Sunflower Official on stage, though, and ran up to hug him.

Oh no you don't! yelled a Security Dandelion, and grabbed Tallulah by the arm. First rule of an Official Fanfiction University: No glomping the canon characters.

"But the Flowers aren't from any canon so it's OK to hug them!" Tallulah countered, struggling.

"The PPC counts as a canon," said an elf with black and gold hair. "Also, hi, I'm Jessaminthe Windflower Evenstar, second daughter of Elrond and Princess of Rivendell."

"Cool name. I'm Tallulah Greensleeves, Legolas' sister. I studied alongside Strider--you know, Aragorn? Also I might be part-mermaid." The Security Dandelion released her, and she went to a seat with her name written in Elvish on the back.

"How the ... can you be Legolas' sister and a mermaid?" demanded a pink-eyed girl with black hair. "There are no fish-women in Arda, and if there were Thranduil wouldn't have ...ed one."

"Nobody asked you, Morana," said Jessaminthe.

"Oh, like your backstory's any more plausible, you stupid shallow bi--"

There was a pointed psychic cough from the stage, and everyone turned to the Sunflower Official. Now that I have your attention, fans, let me officially welcome you to PPC Headquarters.

"Yaaaaaay!" Tallulah cheered.

I appreciate your enthusiasm. Now then, I'm sure you know that there has been a lot of bad fanfiction about the PPC.

There was a general uneasy murmur, and many of the fangirls exchanged nervous or guilty glances with each other. Morana, however, simply looked smug.

So, just as Miss Cam started the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth to deal with an influx of bad Tolkien fanfiction, we have created the Official Fanfiction University of the Headquarters of the PPC. Yes, it's long, but we needed something that would fit the acronym of 'Tofu Hop'.

"So that's what it means," said Tallulah.

The Sunflower Official waved his leaves, and a host of other Flowers and famous Agents came on stage. The Bonsai Mallorn, the Lichen, the Marquis and the regular Daisy...and on the Agent side, Luxury, Dafydd Illian, Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains, Suicide, Miiro, Supernumerary, even Jay and Acacia (no one quite knew how; probably a plothole). Tallulah, to her credit, did not squee, though she did have a very enthusiastic grin.

"They're all so pretty..." said Jessaminthe with a dreamy expression.

(2nd AN: I'm not apologizing.)
((Over to you, Zingenmir ^^))

It's Just A Jump To The--Wait, What? (Tofu Hop Ch. 2!) by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-12 21:40:00 UTC Reply

A/n: So this is the second chapter! I'm sooooo sorry for the delay :( Anyway, lightfairy406 and I both wanted to do the challenge, so we thought we'd make it into a...a...I think it's called a 'round robin'? Weird.

Anyway! Chapter two ahoy! Obviously my style's a little different, but that's what makes it fun!!

Chapter 2

While Jessaminthe sighed over the 'oh so dreamy' agents, up on the stage there was some grumbling going on.

"I still don't know how you got me to agree to this," Trojanhorse--better known as Trojie--muttered. She aimed this at her partner, a tall redheaded woman named Paddlebrains (or, frequently, Pads).

"My stunning beauty?"

Trojie snorted.

"The way I hounded--ha--you until you gave in," Pads corrected. "It'll be a nice change, at least--didn't you say you wanted a break?"

Trojie stared grimly out over the colorful crowd. "This isn't a break. This is a punishment."

"At least you're both doing it," an Elf chimed in. He was Dafydd Illian, of the dark hair and (currently) grumpy expression. "Connie laughed in my face when I suggested it. She wouldn't even come closer than New Cal!"

"Tough luck," said Agent Suicide. He was giving the audience a stern look; it didn't seem to be turning anyone off. "Welcome to hell."

"Hell is empty and the devils are all here," Jay paraphrased cheerfully. "I think it'll be fun."

"I came out of retirement for this," Dafydd said to no one in particular. He looked gingerly out at the crowd. A small (but growing) contingent waved at him and giggled; he grimaced. "I regret it already."

*

In another part of the crowd, several small clumps of students had formed. One spoke in an overblown French accent, while a second was having increasingly more difficulty holding back laughter as he responded in an equally overblown (if rather more affected) German accent. Neither was paying much attention to the SO anymore. Someone wearing a nametag with a screenname possessed of too many Xes, the name of an Egyptian god, and some numbers was listening to them with great interest.

There were others, of course, but three stood out. One of these was a woman who might have been in her twenties but might also have been a teenager: it was rather hard to tell. She was bouncing up and down with her hands clasped together like an anime character, all but squeeing. Her name tag sparkled with glitter gel pen hearts and carried a surprisingly well-known name in the PPC fandom: JayBird.

Next to JayBird stood another woman, who looked to be roughly the same age--whatever that age was. She shifted from foot to foot, and sometimes looked around nervously, but for the most part her gaze stayed fixed on JayBird. She seemed almost...awed, if a little unsure. Her tag read 'brandywinebaby89.'

The third of their group--if it could be termed that--was yet another woman. This one looked as though, like Narcissa Malfoy, she had smelled something nasty. She looked down her nose at everyone around her, particularly the group with the accents. The only one to escape her disdain, apart from the Flowers and agents, was the fellow whose pronounced German accent was now slipping away in a tide of laughter. *Him* she looked at with approval.

Now, you will of course be attending classes beginning at... the Sunflower Official told them all. The telepathic voice reached everyone in the room, even if not everyone listened to what it said. It continued.

Up on the stage, Supernumerary pursed his lips and held back a loud sigh. This is going to be a very long year, he thought. We'd better get something out of it.

A/n: So!! I figured Lemony Eggnog was right, and the authors should go in too! Maybe we'll even see some subplots with them ;) Anyway, I've tried to leave it kind of open so that both lightfairy and I have something to work with before something really takes shape; hope y'all like it!! I had fun :) :) :)

Next chapter...well, I don't know what's happening next chapter, but I'm sure it's gonna be awesome! Take it away, lightfairy406!

((Hope everyone liked their cameos! If you didn't show up and you'd like to in future, just mention it in a comment.

Minis I've left for another chapter, once someone decides what they really ought to be. I vote against mini-minis--they don't seem quite as funny as, say, mini-consoles, and they'd probably get lost or stepped on a lot due to size. Also, they'd be more cute than anything else, wouldn't they? Except possibly the mini-Aragogs, who'd basically just be talking spiders of slightly above average size?

Also, EPL--I did consider treating it as an unplanned addition/takeover, but then thought maybe avoiding an IC fight would be good so the writing would go faster. Feel free to go "well, actually, I don't think you really understood when I said we should each write *our own version*, but...might as well now that it's happening..." or something if you want, though; Avlates can have problems with jumping to conclusions if you'd like.

And...that's about it. I don't know why I feel like I took a while to sit down and write this chapter when it's only been two days, but there we go: time stretches when you're exhausted.

Unbetaed, of course, because *come on*. I haven't even looked it over, though, which... /pumps fist/ Badfic GAAAAAAAMES

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed; please like and leave us a comment, or click below to subscr--

/static/))

(( Oh yes. Yes. )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-13 17:10:00 UTC Reply

I've remembered I actually drew a picture of Brandy (in 2006, that's over 10 years ago, my god). It's awful, but here. Pretty sure this is her in high school. I reckon she's not much different now. All the LotR swag, definitely. Maybe an "I <3 PPC" shirt instead of that one. I dunno.

Ah, poor Nume. I got to thinking about what course he would teach, and came to the conclusion that he would spend an entire lesson making the students write "I will not ship Supernumerary, at all, ever" as many times as they can until time runs out. Of course, someone inevitably starts writing fanfic instead, and then they'll have to be killed. Or at least punished somehow, OFU style. *g*

And naturally GrammarBootCamps will be run by the DTE, yes? ^_^

~Neshomeh might want to help with ideas, but not actually do the writing.

((That is awesome :D)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-14 06:31:00 UTC Reply

((I especially like the...beaded thing I don't know the name of. And it's great to have a visual. I actually have really minor plans for Brandy in this story, which I'll hopefully still remember in a few days to a week...

...GrammarBootCamps. I think Mara and Isaiah should make an appearance, don't you? :D

As for Nume...I can't help but wonder what class he's actually doing that in. And how he's justifying it as relevant to the subject matter. It'd be hilarious if there was no strong connection but he made that the first lesson anyway...

...come to think of it, as the original creators of the PPC, shouldn't Jay and Acacia be the shadowy Headmistresses? Well, maybe they're taking a more active role. Or, more likely, the agents are around being agents and the actual writers are in the shadows...that or the SO is serving as Headmaster by proxy. That would make sense, since in-universe the Flowers set the place up.

Also, did you catch Lemony's appearance? It seems I forgot to identify her by name in the end, but she's the third woman in the JayBird and Brandy trio.

Aaand my final reply (to hS) may have to wait for later, since I have things to look over before class...whoops. Well, 3/4 is pretty good for early morning before class...

~Z))

(( Heehee. )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-14 15:15:00 UTC Reply

Yes, yes, absolutely we should have Mara and Isaiah.

For Nume's class, I thought there might be a unit on shipping/romance and how not to, with several guest instructors from among the most affected agents. Who's actually in charge, I don't know.

Or, as you say, he could be doing something else entirely and making a point of it anyway. *g* Funnily enough, he was actually thinking of being a lit teacher had he not wandered into the PPC instead. Maybe his class would be on PPC canon, and actually knowing it before you sit down to write fanfic? Ooh, he might be the Elrond of this OFU, the guy with the mountains of reading homework and the most feared essay assignments. And the Eyebrows of Doom, of course! And he's even supposed to look a bit like movie!Elrond. It all fits! {X D

Hm, yeah, Jay and Acacia the writers would probably be the headmistresses. Doesn't mean Jay and Acacia the characters wouldn't still take a role, though. As the coordinators, maybe? 'Twould be a departure from the norm, in which the avatars of the OFU writers are the coordinators, but this whole thing is a little abnormal. The PPC setting is interesting for an OFU because of how meta it already is. Half the characters already know they're characters even if they don't always like to think about it, and they know about fanfiction and OFUs. That's bound to make a difference in how things are done.

I did not catch Lemony. Huh. Avlates really isn't a fan, is she? I intended for them to come across as playfully condescending, a little bit trollish, but basically friendly. And also of ambiguous gender. (I personally am not sure whether Lem's a woman or a gay guy or something else.) But a careless fanwriter might well miss those details. Once Lem twigs that that's supposed to be them, though, they'll have something to say about it!

~Neshomeh

((Mara and Isaiah are the best.)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-15 13:59:00 UTC Reply

((Nume the lit teacher? At what level? Did he get very far in setting himself up for it, or was it more of a plan for the more distant future?

Yeah, the PPC is...not the typical canon. I've also now got the lovely mental image of the Reader staring down a classroom and then going "Nope" and heading for the door. (Whether she gets out it or another Time Lord drags her back in is up in the air. The class is probably Time Lords of HQ...for short. The official title, provided by the Notary, is much longer and more pompous. The entire Continuity Council is meant to be teaching it in shifts. This...goes about as well as you'd expect, although almost all of them gain a new appreciation for the Notary after they see her going on at the students instead of at them for once. It's probably dispelled at the next Council meeting.)

I'm now *also* thinking of how the PPC OFU got set up. I mean, can't you just see a group of agents and Flowers arguing over what should go in, and how, and 'I saw them do it this way at OFWho' and 'No, they did it much better at OFUM' and 'What about OFUDisc, they have this one class that could really--' and so on. I mean, there are OFU *graduates* in the PPC. And former OFU liaisons and co-coordinators and so on. They'd have a lot to say, wouldn't they?

As to Lemony...huh. I...hm.

It's not so much that Avlates isn't a fan as that I misread a bit of what you wrote for them and then maybe didn't really get across what I was thinking when writing. I had the impression that Lemony was less playful in their condescension, certainly; what I was going for was a sort of discomfort over most of the people in the crowd and...yeah, basically, I was off. Guess the Lemony in Tofu Hop, at least on my part, is now a weird caricature! Oh dear. IIRC, I was kind of intending them to be the 'straight man' (no pun intended): the person who can recognize canon and good writing a little better than half the student body, and who kind of disapproves. Although it's actually more the "Oh, *honey*" kind of disapproval, isn't it?

Well. Good to know. Can't get everything right, can we? Especially in the Badfic Games. So...whoops, and I now look forward to a nice argument with Lemony Eggnog...

~Z

PS: I'm about half an hour of actual energy away from writing an interlude titled "Continuity: Pedagogy." Help?))

(( There's endless potential material, isn't there? )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-15 15:43:00 UTC Reply

Time Lords, ex-Suvians, Flowers, aliens, magic, technology, PPC science, history, Narrative Laws, culture... and that's not to mention the basics of doing the job itself, for the various departments. From an internal perspective, the PPC is really huge. Wow. o.o

But yes, Nume the lit teacher! College-level, because anything less would no doubt result in murder-suicide and there's a little more room for eccentricity if you get tenure. He was in grad school at the time he wandered into HQ, so I suppose he was pretty far along. The idea was to eventually see fantasy and SF treated as serious literature and not brushed off as "genre fiction," which is sadly a thing that still happens today.

As for Lem, no worries. {= ) Your plan for them sounds about right, and that initial look of Malfoy-esque disdain could be down to any number of factors. And maybe lightfairy will write them totally different. ... It would be funny if they randomly switched sex every other chapter or so.

Student 1: ... Wait, weren't you a woman yesterday?

Lemony: *shrug* Eh, I'm not fussed.

Student 2: But are you a guy or a girl?

Lemony: Does it matter? Gender is a largely artificial social construct used to force people into prescribed roles that may or may not actually suit them for the sole purpose of making it simpler for the privileged to control the disadvantaged. Who needs it?

Students: But... uh... bwuh? O.o

Lemony: *sigh* Just stick with "they/them" if you're not sure. It won't hurt, I promise.

... That was fun. ^_^

~Neshomeh

((Unfortunately I have no idea how to proceed.)) by eatpraylove on 2017-09-15 17:35:00 UTC Reply

We'll have to continue this in the next badfic game, Zingenmir. :/ It was fun seeing everyone throw ideas at us, though!

((Do you want me to write another chapter?)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-16 17:51:00 UTC Reply

((It might help with knowing how to proceed, and there's no law that says we have to switch every chapter instead of every other chapter.))

((If you're inspired, go right ahead.)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2017-09-16 21:05:00 UTC Reply

((I'm about to vanish for a few days...)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-20 14:12:00 UTC Reply

((...for the holidays, but I'll most likely get something up next week. ~Z))

((So how bad is this supposed to be?)) by Thoth on 2017-09-13 15:18:00 UTC Reply

Because if this is intended to be poorly written, I am unironically enjoying this *way* too much.

((Well...)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-14 06:13:00 UTC Reply

((For my part, it's meant to be reasonably good (if unedited), but a little bit (to a lot) off my normal style. For instance, I wouldn't normally go straight for "like an anime character", but here I thought of it and just went for it. So...expect more cliches and little to no editing? And less regard for good story flow/some characterisation details/better word choice? I mean, I am trying to get the agents in character, but it's working from memory rather than from going and rereading and getting a beta or two to catch things that sound a bit off.

Hm. Essentially, I think I'm aiming for "relatively good but somewhat careless in places." Low effort, basically, which makes sense for the Avlates persona's resultant style (even though at her age--which is older teenager--and at DuskWater's--younger teenager, maybe fourteen or fifteen--I did spend a ton of time editing most things I posted. Which is part of why a lot of what I wrote stayed on my computer, most likely.

Anyway. I'm glad you're enjoying it :) It was very fun to do.

Now I just need to finish the next chapters of the two fics I started posting last week, not to mention the third thing I came up with...though at least that one's probably a oneshot.

(Self advertising, what self advertising? This is a Subtle Reminder, this is.)

~Z))

((This is glorious and beautiful to behold.)) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-13 13:21:00 UTC Reply

AAAAAAAAA Dafydd AAAAAAAA JayBird, it's awesome.

I should point out that Dafydd remembers when the badfics broke through into HQ, before FFL's creativity shield went up.

And JayBird probably insists she's Jay and Acacia's daughter, despite that being sheer gibberish.

Anyway, you've got them both down perfectly, and AAAAAAAAA.

hS

((Belatedly:)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-15 13:39:00 UTC Reply

((I'm very glad you like it :D Dafydd's lines were very fun to come up with (though I have this feeling I may've cribbed them from somewhere...? Possibly actual lines of his from the past...? Hmm. Not sure. Probably won't remember anytime soon, either, unfortunately). And JayBird just kind of sprang into being fully-fledged. She's pretty easy to imagine.

And hm, I'd forgotten about that story. I also hadn't quite realized it was canon, so, good to know. Should be interesting to eventually work in, I should think.

And dear oh dear. That should be a fun scene, especially if she brings it up in a class with them. I wonder what Jay and Acacia teach?

(Igotcapslocksqueeingyesssverygoodyes)

~Z

IÂ’m so glad I didnÂ’t write any badfic. by HrnmsGrbrd on 2017-09-13 09:35:00 UTC Reply

((Well, he didn’t write any badfic recently (i. e. this year), but if you want to drag him in anyway, go ahead.

HG))

((I shall keep that in mind for chapter 4, unless EPL...)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-14 06:00:00 UTC Reply

((gets there first. The more the merrier!))

I can't tell if this is serious or not. by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-11 20:14:00 UTC Reply

Pros:

- A PPC OFU is a great idea!
- Lampooning these ridiculous characters is also a great idea!
- This looks well-written and has an entertaining sense of humor.

Cons:

- Don't OFUs usually feature the authors, not their characters?
- Is this just a snarky retelling of JayBird's obvious nonsense? Can this stand on its own now that that has (thankfully) ended?

I will withhold judgement for now. Impress me, people.

-- Lemony

(( I want this to be a real thing. Feel free to use Aurora, or Brandy, or both! Heck, use Lem if you want. Xie'll resent it, and may or may not deserve it depending on how you feel about M-rated AUs that would never happen ever, but too bad. *g* ~Neshomeh ))

((Further tribute!)) by Thoth on 2017-09-12 15:47:00 UTC Reply

Feel free to use xXthoth999Xx as well! Remember, his writing may vary in quality, but no matter what, he never knows canon properly.

((RIch@rd just got volunteered)). by Hardric on 2017-09-12 16:39:00 UTC Reply

French accent in the writing, bad SpaG, tendance to write SIs overpowered, 'distant' relationship with canon when it interferes with the former... go wild.

"Pardon? Mai vriting iz peurfect. Ai don't want tou..."

*Clicks*

"Ai min, Ai'm olwayz hapi tou leurne more eubaout vriting."

((OOC: Feel free to use Ronion as well.)) by Scapegrace on 2017-09-12 12:22:00 UTC Reply

He's a talented author with a couple of really obvious fetishes and a total disregard for inconvenient things that would get in the way of his shipping and indulging in those fetishes, such as canonicity and characterization. =]

'Talented'? by Huinesoron on 2017-09-12 13:09:00 UTC Reply

What's he doing in the Badfic Games, then? ;)

hS

Irritating JayBird through smug, self-satisfied sarcasm. =] (nm) by Scapegrace on 2017-09-12 14:02:00 UTC Reply

Well that's no great achievement. by Huinesoron on 2017-09-12 14:06:00 UTC Reply

You can wind JayBird up just by using words longer than two syllables. ^_~

hS

Syllables? by Scapegrace on 2017-09-12 16:03:00 UTC Reply

You can wind her up by using words longer than two letters. =]

oy yu! (nm) by JayBird on 2017-09-12 16:05:00 UTC Reply

I apologise. Three letters. =] (nm) by Scapegrace on 2017-09-12 16:09:00 UTC Reply

yor not gud, yuo bad!!1 whI ar yuo mea??! (nm) by JayBird on 2017-09-12 16:17:00 UTC Reply

Let me answer your question with a quote. by Ronion on 2017-09-12 17:01:00 UTC Reply

"Because I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you to have standards. I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you. You aren't needed, or included, or loved; you are ugly, and superfluous, and ignorant, and you should be frightened, and meek, and grateful."
-- David Mitchell, That Mitchell And Webb Look.

((Of course, I don't really think that. I'm just doing this because it's funny.))

((...hmmm)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-11 23:14:00 UTC Reply

((That...might actually fit with my vague plan? Hmm. Something to think about, anyway. ~Z))

((JayBird volunteers as tribute!)) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-12 08:51:00 UTC Reply

((I can conceive of no arguments against an actual PPC OFU using Badfic Game authors as ~~victims~~ students. None whatsoever.

((hS))

(( GUYS. )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-12 17:18:00 UTC Reply

I have a very important question: What are PPC minis? O.o

Mini-consoles? Mini-Sues? Mini-SOs?

Help, these are all horrible ideas. {X D

~Neshomeh

Wait, no, mini-consoles. by Huinesoron on 2017-09-13 13:29:00 UTC Reply

No-one ever sees them move. They're just there - in the corner of the room, on the shelf, under the table (right where you need to put your legs), any random place.

And most of the time, they are silent. Only the occasional flickering of lights tells you they're still active. Still watching you. And then, randomly, without any warni[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]

... yeah, that.

(Well, Zing didn't like 'cute', so instead I give you 'psychological horror'.)

hS

That's just perfect. (nm) by Hardric on 2017-09-13 18:03:00 UTC Reply
I think that's my favorite idea, too. ^_^ by Neshomeh on 2017-09-13 17:01:00 UTC Reply

Maybe not QUITE that horrifying. There's also definite humor value in mini-consoles randomly appearing and [BEEEP!]ing, scaring the living daylights out of the students. *g*

... I bet no actual agent will want to adopt one, though.

~Neshomeh

That... sounds... ADORABLE! (nm) by Agent Kaitlyn on 2017-09-13 17:05:00 UTC Reply

She was right. It's adorable. ((Ficlet)) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-14 11:26:00 UTC Reply

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]

[beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

Agent Kaitlyn looked up from her book. “Did you hear something?”

Hand still on the red button, Selene rolled her eyes ceilingward. “It’s called a console, Kaitlyn. Remember?”

“Har har.” Kaitlyn found her bookmark and got to her feet. “But seriously, there was a second beep – you heard that, right?”

“Maybe it was an echo,” Selene suggested, tabbing through to the mission details. “Wouldn’t surprise me in this place. Right, looks like we’re heading to-“

“It wasn’t an echo,” Kaitlyn interrupted, frowning. “It came from…” She knelt down and peered under the table.

Selene sighed. “I’ll just sort it out myself, then.”

There was a thud from the table, and then, “Ow. Selene, there’s a thing under here.”

“I’d imagine there is,” Selene agreed. “Probably lots of things. Is it a) alive, b) threatening, or c) amusing?”

Kaitlyn crawled back out and got to her feet. “See for yourself,” she said, dusting herself off.

Selene gave her a level look. “I’m not doing that.”

“Yeah, you are.” Kaitlyn grinned. “It may take a bit of persuasion, but you’ll-“

[beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

Selene grumbled and tapped the button again, but the tone carried on for several seconds. When it stopped, she sighed, got to her feet, and walked over.

Kaitlyn beamed at her. “Told you.”

Muttering to herself, Selene bend down and looked into the darkness. There was a long pause, and then she glanced back at her partner. “There’s nothing there.”

Kaitlyn arched an eyebrow. "Yeah there is."

"No," said Selene, standing up, "there isn't."

"There is," Kaitlyn insisted. "It was a little silver box covered in lights. It looked kind of like a console, but… small."

The vampire shrugged. "A reflection, maybe?" she suggested, glancing around. Her gaze lighted on the far corner of the room. "Or… Kaitlyn, are you sure you were looking the right way?"

Kaitlyn snorted. "Well, obviousl- how did it get there?"

She stalked across the room, scowling her finest scowl. The device huddled between a bookshelf and a weapons cabinet did indeed look much like a console; its chrome surfaces gleamed, and the main screen was lit by a pulsating glow.

"This," Kaitlyn said, jabbing a finger at it, "wasn't here. It was under the table."

Selene shook her head, smiling slightly. "How long has it been since you've slept?" she asked. "You can't run on mushroom fumes forever."

"Cheeky." Kaitlyn squatted down and peered at the console. "It's got real buttons and everything. What do you think it is?"

"Probably another DIA monitoring device," Selene said, wandering over. "Can we get on with our mission? We don't want the Hyacinth on our-"

[beep]

Kaitlyn swung back around, pointing an accusing finger at the device. "It beeped! You heard that, right?"

"Obviously." Selene bent over the miniature console. "Perhaps a warning against getting too close?"

"I was closer than this under the table," Kaitlyn disagreed, "and it-"

[beep]

"Stop that!" She glowered at the device. "I'd swear it's deliberately interrup-"

[beep]

"Oh come on!"

Selene sighed and turned away. "Whatever it is, it can wait," she said. "Mission. Come on."

Kaitlyn gave the miniature console one last deeply suspicious look, then got to her feet. "I suppose you're right," she said, walking back towards the main console. "It's going to bug me all mission, though. I wonder who put it th-"

[beeeeeeeeeeep]

"Oh, quiet, you." Kaitlyn glanced over her shoulder, and her eyes widened. "Hey. Hey! Where--? Selene, where'd it go?"

^_^

(This story is canon to Kaitlyn and Selene's timeline, though if mini-consoles don't get used, it's just a weird thing they encountered.)

hS

I love it. ^. ^ by Neshomeh on 2017-09-14 18:37:00 UTC Reply

Also, dibs on Supernumberary, mini-console or otherwise. It's my favorite misspelling of his name. ^_^

~Neshomeh

HOW DARE YOU SAY I MISSPALL HIS NAME (nm) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-14 20:22:00 UTC Reply

Honey, you have no idea who you're talking to, do you? by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-14 21:10:00 UTC Reply

(( *snerk, snort, lol* ))

YEAH DO YOU HUH???!!! by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-14 22:07:00 UTC Reply

((Hoo boy.))

I believe I am speaking to... by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-15 16:34:00 UTC Reply

A fourteen- to sixteen-year-old girl who doesn't know the name of the author whose character she purports to have married.

Or really anything about the character at all, judging by your fic.

I'm genuinely curious here: what about Nume makes you like him, exactly? From the missions, I mean. What was the first thing that got your attention before the cancer that is 50 Shades spread to the image of him in your brain?

--Lemony

(( No, Lem, don't try to understand fangirl logic! It will only end in tears! ))

He SEXY, DUHHH!!!!1 (nm) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-15 18:13:00 UTC Reply

... Well, what did I expect? by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-16 16:01:00 UTC Reply

I suppose I'm in no position to argue with that. Stupid sexy Nume. Carry on!

--Lemony

Um. by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-15 06:07:00 UTC Reply

Actually...you used that exact same misspelling? Back in your first chapter when Supernumerary introduces himself. So. Yeah.

((*Yeah*, now I'm smiling :D Badfic gaaaaaaames. ~Z))

((Well, I'm sold. eatpraylove, thoughts?)) (nm) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-14 17:26:00 UTC Reply

Mini-minis. by Huinesoron on 2017-09-12 19:13:00 UTC Reply

They're pocket-sized versions of regular minis, specificially the most appropriate version for the character in question.

hS

Thanx for translating. No spoken fangirl here. (nm) by HrnmsGrbrd on 2017-09-10 09:54:00 UTC Reply
Mien is beterr (nm) by JayBird on 2017-09-10 06:46:00 UTC Reply

Oh, my sweet summer child... (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2017-09-10 13:09:00 UTC Reply

mI brithdays' in autunm ACTERALLY by JayBird on 2017-09-11 15:47:00 UTC Reply

((This spurious JayBirding exists solely to give me an opportunity to say that I think this is hilarious and I will be very sad if it doesn't go any further this year. Very sad. With a sad face. :( ~hS))

((Can't be making people sad!)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-11 23:10:00 UTC Reply

((I've got the next chapter--just need to get a moment to sit down and write it. That'll hopefully happen tomorrow. Stay tuned...

~Z))

Ai ave a storri to vrite tou. by RIch@ard on 2017-09-07 18:42:00 UTC Reply

Richard end Marina ouere sent back tou anozer micheun fore ze ivil Floueurs, dans un setting caulled Chine Mégami Tenséi, ouere zere are mény ivil monsteurs, tou kill eu Siu, ou can seummon mini dimons, bicoz zat's eune important fing in Chine Mégami Tenséi.

Leukily, Perussona are bétteur que Dimons, so Richard can kill zem ole. Zen Marina kill the Siu wiv blak majic, bicoz ze Siu iz ivil énd dizerv it.

((Finally sent my master's degree to my teacher. My last week as a student.))

kk so idont' reed Japanish but tahts stil reealy col!! (nm) by JayBird on 2017-09-08 10:31:00 UTC Reply

Fenk you. by RIch@ard on 2017-09-08 20:26:00 UTC Reply

You dont imagine ho ard it iz tou find pipol hou laïke storiz end séi it, not laïke this bad gai hou commented before. A'll trai tou fink eubaout eu sikouel leiteur, promiz!

P.S.: je suis francai, pas japonnais.

Oh, Ronion--Ronion, look! by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-07 19:48:00 UTC Reply

They want to be you, but in Comedy French (I think, probably), and without the comedy. Isn't it adorable? 8D

--Lemony

(( Yay, congrats! ))

MÃ©chan critique. by RIch@ard on 2017-09-07 20:19:00 UTC Reply

Aie am French, iou cannot bi mine laike zat, Angliche is not mai natife langouage. Si you dont laike, dont rid.

((Only thing left to hope I pass. Then it's professionnal life.))

((Brain, why you no have badfic ideas?)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2017-09-06 18:39:00 UTC Reply
Tofu Hop - plx r7r! by JayBird on 2017-09-05 13:20:00 UTC Reply

Tallulah Greensleeves (A/N: kk so shes' Laegolasses sister fron mIlkwood whois not JUTS an elf but aslo a MERIMADE adn she grw up wit FORDO and SAM who livd togtheer in tihs stor becasue veryone knoes tehyr'e GAU and tahts' FIN but neway she wet to teh same shool as SPIDER who is aslo calld ARGAGON spollers lol neway now shse in tihs sotry) was walking along the banks of the Shire River when SUDDENLY a swirling blue portal (A/N kk so i KNOOOO i ususually make tehm pink witch is BETTAR but tihs is a bad protal sort of opps spoylers) opened under her feet and dropped her straight into PPC HQ. So she landed in a corridor and said to the Daisy (A/N not teh markee but the ohter dassy whos'e allays standining cordirors and suck) "Why am I here?" and the Daisy said Because you've been chosen to come to Tofu Hop, and Tallulah said, "What's Tofu Hop? It sounds like a game," but the Daisy said It's not a game, COME WITH ME and you'll see.

So the Daisy led Tallulah (A/N THERE ELLZ ANDA HAITCH ive bene watching doctro who can yuo telll?????) to the Not As Big As The Big Auditorium But Bigger Than The Small Auditorium Auditorium, and who should she see there, but... the SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL! And she ran up to him and gave him a hug because he's so awesome. Thank you, Tallulah Greensleeves, said the Sunflower Official (A/N: omng he is SO NISE), but please take your seat so we can get started.

Tallulah looked back at the seats to find they were all full of FANGIRLS, and there was one with her name on it (A/N: writting in ELFISH LETTETERS), so she went to it and she sat down. "Hello," she said to the girl on her left, "I'm Tallulah Greensleeves and I'm Legolas' sister from Mirkwood, and I'm not just an elf but also a mermaid, and I grew up with Frodo and Sam, who live together because they're gay and that's fine, and also I went to the same school as Strider who is also called Aragorn."

"Hi," said the girl next to her, who had black and gold hair and pointy ears, "I'm Jessaminthe Layla Windflower Evenstar (A/N: Jessaminthe is righten by MrsSupernumerary and shes' RILLY COOLL), I'm Arwen's sister and Elrond's daughter and the princess of Rivendell."

"Cool," said Tallulah, and she turned to the girl on her right. "Hello," she said, "I'm Tallulah Greensleeves and I'm Legolas' sister from Mirkwood, and I'm not just an elf but also a mermaid, and I grew up with Frodo and Sam, who live together because they're gay and that's fine, and also I went to the same school as Strider who is also called Aragorn."

"Ugh," said the girl on her right, who had black and pink hair, spitting on her, "I'm Morana Kristine Stephanie Hecate King (A/N MorONa is righten by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic who is EFIL and a PLAJJERIS so DONT@T REED HER SOTRYS), I'm a 16-year-old girl with black-and-pink hair reaching to just below my boobs and shiny pink eyes, and I hate you."

"Well, that isn't very nice," said Tallulah. "Why do you hate me?"

"Because I hate everything which is nice," said Morana, spitting on her again.

Tallulah was about to say something which would make Morana feel very bad for what she was saying, but then the Sunflower Official spoke again. Hello, fans of the PPC, he said. As you know, I am the Sunflower Official-

"Yaaaaaay!" shouted Tallulah.

Thank you, Tallulah, said the Sunflower Official. You're really nice; can I call you Tally?

"Of course!" shouted Tallulah. "Can I call you Sunny?"

I would be flattered, said the Sunflower Official. Now, fans of the PPC, he said, I'm sure you know that there has been a lot of bad fanfiction about the PPC.

Morana cackled. "And lots of it is MINE!"

Precisely. When there was a lot of bad fanfic of Lord of the Rings, Miss Cam started OFUM to deal with it. Well, now we are doing the same thing. The Sunflower Official waves his leaves, and lots of other Flowers and Agents came up onto the stage. There was the Bonsai Mallorn and the Marquis de Sod and the Lichen, and also there was Dafydd Illian and Supernumberary and Suicide and even Jay and Acacia.

"Wow!" said Jessaminthe next to Tallulah. "They're all so dreamy! (A/N: sso Jessaminthe is lick in luv with EDERYBODI in her sotry so I dessided to make her lov all teh argents here hop tehts' okey!!)"

Fangirls, said the Sunflower Official, and also Captain Deadly (A/N: shootout two xXth0th999Xx!!1)... welcome to The Official Fanfiction University of the Headquarters Of the PPC.

"Tofu Hop!" gasped Tallulah. "So that's what the Daisy meant!"

~~~~~

A/N kk so I nedded lost of caractars for tihs so i borruwd some HOPP TAHTS OKAE neway more chappie sun!! ~J~B~

THIS (nm) by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-14 00:48:00 UTC Reply
Tofu Hop - Chappie 2! by JayBird on 2017-09-06 13:21:00 UTC Reply

brandywinebaby89: BRANDYBABY! glomp golmp glom. kk so teh protal is bad b/cus its' not jsut steeling the bad fnagirls lik MorOna but aslo teh good ones lick Tallulah adn Jessaminthe, aannnnndd igues thats' aslo wh tehyr'e all to get her? lol keep reedin!

MrsSupernumerary: ofcurse yuo can yuse Tallulah in your'e story!!!!!!!!!! tast amasing. i lorv yuo!!!!!

Ronion: gald you licked my sotry!!!1

~#~#~#~#~

"Wow," said Tallulah, "it is so weird that I forgot about how we were childhood friends and played pranks on our siblings all the time!"

"Yes," said Jessaminthe, "that is so weird." (A/N: tihs is from MrsSupernumerary's WONDERFOOL sotry witch you shouldr go and reed WRIGHT NOW!!!!)

They were sitting in their room which was a Response Centre, but because it was part of Tofu Hop it didn't have a number, but they got to choose a name and they chose RIVENWOOD after their homes (A/N: cam upwiht that miyself!! lil). And they were waiting for the third person who would sleep in their room. "Which classes are you looking forward to?" said Jessaminthe.

Tallulah looked at her timetable, which was written in Elvish writing (A/N b/cus shes'an EFL so ist CANNUN taht she reeds elfis i. tihnk abut cannun alot yuo knoe). "I like the look of 'How To Be A Department Head', by the Sunflower Official," she said, "and also 'How To Not Be Human' by Illian the blue horse thing (A/N 4got teh name sozzzzzy!)."

"Yes," said Tallulah, "I like those too. But I'm most interested in 'How To Be The Best Agent', but it doesn't have a teacher listed, I wonder why that is?"

"I don't know," said Jessaminthe, "but we'll find out today. Look - it's our first class!"

"Good!" stated Tallulah. "What do you want to do until then? We could go and play pranks on people."

"But who would we play them on?" asked Jessaminthe. "Everyone in the PPC is so dreamy."

Tallulah thought about the agents she knew about. "What about Suicide?" she asked. "His name sounds bad."

"He's super-dreamy," said Jessaminthe. "He's only called that because so many girls have committed suicide when he rejected them, which he did for good reasons."

"Oh," said Tallulah, "I was wrong." (A/N: SEA?? shes' can't be an Mery-Sud bec/s seh gts stuffv wrogn!!)

"That's all right," said Jessaminthe, "you're still very beautiful."

Tallulah didn't think she was, but she didn't say anything because Jessaminthe always said that and it was no good arguing with her. "Maybe we could prank the other students?" she suggested. "What about Ruby and Kitty (A/N SHOTUOUT too deadpassion1479)?"

"Oh I think they are having sex in the next room," said Jessaminthe. "I can tell because of all the shouting."

"Oh," said Tallulah. "Then what about-"

At that moment the door swung open and the two girls looked round and an arrow shot between them and hit the wall and bounced off and NEARLY HIT TALLULAH only it didn't but the girls didn't get a chance to notice that because who should be standing in their door but...

"MORANA KRISTINE STEPHANIE HECATE KING!" shouted Tallulah and Jessaminthe at the same time, and then Tallulah said, "What are you doing here?"

Morana pulled out her archery things again and shot another arrow past Tallulah. "Oops," she said, "my hand slipped."

"Maybe it wouldn't have if you hadn't been in our room," said Tallulah (A/N WAT A COMBECK am i wright?!?!?!).

"Oh, but I'm not," said Morana evilly, stepping through the door and putting her things down and pinning her posters on the walls and putting her bag on the best bed and resetting the alarm clock to TOO EARLY and turning the radio to her music which was bad music. "I'm in my room... and I'm sharing with you!"

~#~#~#~#~

A/N borroed som more carries!! aslo MorONa istill efil and NOBBYDY REED HER SOTRIES.

((Did you spot it? [Jaws theme]))

MEANS (nm) by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-14 00:48:00 UTC Reply
Tofu Hop - 3rd cappie!!! by Huinesoron on 2017-09-08 10:54:00 UTC Reply

A/N: NO REVUEWS?!?!?!!? comon ppl!!1

~#~~#~#~

LUCKILY just as Morana was about to do some bad things (A/N: yewll have to imganine them your'e sefl), the console played a tune that meant it was time to go to their first class. So Tallulah and Jessaminthe walked down the corridor while Morana stalked behind them, until they found the BBQ Courtyard (A/N: ical it taht b/c Jay an Acacia had a barbiecue tehre that one tiem so now i Imigine its' offisialy cald that) where they found all the other students at Tofu Hop waiting. "Hi everyone, how are you, and also is this the class for How To Be The Best Agent?" asked Tallulah.

"Hi," said Terry Pratchett (A/N ANOTTER of xXth0th999Xx 's OCss!!!1 seh is SOO TALTENED!!), "I am fine, and yes, it is."

"That's cool," said Tallulah, as she waved at the other students she recognised like Captain Deadly and Ruby and Kitty (A/N :YES i remimberd they wer in tihs.). "So where is the teacher?"

She will be here very soon, Tally, said the Sunflower Official who was also there. Now, I know you can restrain yourself, but I want everyone else to remember that tackling your teachers is frowned upon unless you're in a consensual relationship with them (A/N: red taht somewehre, not sur waht it mees buti geuss its' improtante?!).

"Okay," said all the students, except Morana because she was evil. And Tallulah was going to point out to the Sunflower Official (who she would have called Sunny), but AT THAT MOMENT a portal (A/N: oneo f the porper pink ons) opened and who should step out but...

... a 5 foot girl with blonde hair dyed dark red-blown and blue eyes. She had black boots and a black shirt that showed her stomach, and also a skirt.

"I don't know who that is," whispered Jessaminthe to Tallulah, "should I know who that is?"

"Hi!" said the girl, waving. "I'm Aurora E. Lorra, and don't worry, I'm not your teacher, I'm just here to check that everything's okay."

Everything is okay, the Sunflower Official told her. We made sure to tie Acacia back up after the first meeting so she can't attack anyone.

"Okay good," said Aurora, as she stuck her head back through the portal. "It's okay to come through!"

"Thank you, my friend," said a voice, and ALL THE STUDENTS gasped when they heard it (even Morana), because who should step out of the portal next but...

THE ONE AND ONLY JAYCACIA THORNBYRD!!!!!

~#~#~#~#~

A/N: i knooooooooooh!!!!!! kk so i know i Havn'et finised 'Darkheart & Lightheart' yte, but tihs tackes plase after taht.. neway i couldn ressit bringe Jaycacia inot tish tory two

"Jay."

"Acy."

"Don't call me Acy." Acacia Byrd sat down opposite her friend and took a sip of her coffee. "Hi."

Jay Thorntree blinked at her. "Did you just steal my coffee?"

"Well, you didn't order me one yet." Acacia snagged a biscuit from the open packet and munched on it. "I miss junk food. Rome doesn't know how to do it properly." She wiped the crumbs away on the back of her hand. "Anyway, how's things?"

"Kind of rotten." Jay tapped her fingers on the newspaper. "It's all doom and gloom and occasional superstorms. What about you?"

"About what you'd expect," Acacia said with a shrug. "The Emperor's found a new war to play with, so everyone's rattling on about how great conquering things is."

Jay sighed. "Some things never change." She swiped her mug back from Acacia and drained it. "So what brings you to these par- uh, years?"

Acacia tugged a sheaf of printouts from her bag and dropped it on top of Jay's paper. "What do you think?"

"Ah." Jay tilted her head to the side, trying to read. "More of that thing where you're an evil baby?"

"Nope; better." Acacia tapped the title. "She's ripping off Miss Cam now."

"... an OFU? Seriously? Does this girl have no shame?"

"Yep - yep - and three times nope."

((Sometimes you just have to shoehorn Jaycacia in so you have an excuse to use Jay and Acy. What can I say? ~hS))

ONLY ONE THING. (nm) by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-14 00:48:00 UTC Reply
Tofu Hop - LAST chaptr! by JayBird on 2017-09-11 15:43:00 UTC Reply

A/n: kk so ppl keep sayign taht I hav two meny atuhors notes??! iThink tehyr usefull, but if ppl REELLLY DOnt' lick tehm, igeuss Il'l tack tehm out? escept this one loll

brandy_baby: :;:;::::))00))))0)))))) gald your'e ejnoying it!!!

xXth0th999Xx: itso'kay! as tihs chappie will releav (SPOLIERS) its' okay your'e carries are in an offu!!!

#~~###~~#~

"Hello, hello," Jaycacia said, smiling warmly as she waved at the fangirls. "I'm so glad to see you all, but at the same time - I am NOT glad to see you all!"

Tallulah gasped, clutching at Jessaminthe's arm (but not in a lesbian way because she knew Jessaminthe liked Supernumberary (though they weren't married yet because this was before that happened)). "How can Jaycacia not be glad to see us?" she hissed. "Do you think it's because we're bad people?"

"I have never met someone who's less a bad person than you," Jessaminthe said, smiling at her. "I think maybe it's because of... HER."

Tallulah followed Jessaminthe's finger until it pointed at... "Morana Kristine Stephanie Hecate King!" Tallulah gasped. "What do you think she did?"

"I think we are about to find out," Jessaminthe said. "Look - Jaycacia is talking again!"

Indeed she was. "The reason I am not glad to see you all," said the PPC's most famous (and best) agent, "is because... you're not supposed to be here!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Everyone turned round to look as someone new stormed into the classroom. She had blonde hair, dip-dyed red, bound up in a high ponytail. She stormed down the stairs and stormed up to Jaycacia. "I am Calamity Megaera Skadi Roxelana Hellfire," she announced, "and I say you ARE supposed to be here - everyone one of you!"

"That's very nice," said Jaycacia, "but I'm pretty sure I'm the teacher here, and also the person who suggested the idea of Tofu Hop to my husband, so I think I know better."

"Or do you?" Calamity pointed into the audience, and her finger went the same way as Jessaminthe's had. "Morana!" she called. "Everything is working perfectly!"

"Of course!" Morana cackled evilly. "You ridiculous fangirls don't have the first idea what's happening here! It was MY portal that brought you here - mine and my lover Calamity's!" Calamity blew her a kiss across the room. "We're the only evil fangirls who are SUPPOSED to be at this university - but now all of you are here as well! And unless you can stop me now, you will ALL have to suffer through the worst punishments an OFU has to offer!"

There was a gasp from everyone in the crowd. Then four people moved at once. Captain Deadly in his army uniform jumped up onto the chairs to run towards Morana, but was knocked back by her black magickckck (which was more evil than Luxury's black magickckck). Jessaminthe turned into a wolf and called a storm to attack Morana, which she could do because of the Windflower Legacy, but Morana jumped out of the way of her and ducked. Jaycacia tried to use her powers to make Morana go away, but Calamity got in the way and vanished instead (and good riddance!!!).

And Tallulah Greensleeves used her mermaid speed to duck UNDER the chairs, grab Morana by the legs, and pull her down to the floor!

"No!" screamed Morana as she fell. "This cannot be! I am invincible!"

"No you're not," quipped Tallulah, and killed her.

"Well done," said a voice, and Tallulah looked up to see Jaycacia standing above her. "You have saved Tofu Hop - but at the same time you have made Tofu Hop unnecessary, because you have just killed the only evil fangirl (except for Calamity but I killed her). So now we can disband the university and you can go home."

"Oh," said Tallulah, happy but also sad. "But I like it in PPC HQ."

Jaycacia bubbled with laughter. "Then you can stay!" she stated. "And all your friends can stay too!"

"Yaaaaaaay!" said Tallulah, giving Jessaminthe a hug. "Now we will never have to be apart again!"

THEEND

~#~#~#~#~

A/N: i jsut wat to mack it clear taht evn tohug MorONa and Calamity are lebsians, tahs not becase lebsins are evl! tehyr' atcually verr nise!!!1

aslo i was gonig to wright moar but ijus MOVD HOUSE soI was bussy. hopp you enjyod the sotry!!!!1

~JayBird@

"Hells. She's recruiting an army."

"Yeah." Jay sipped her latest mug of coffee, staring down at the page. "Though... odds that she'll remember they exist by the time of her next story?"

Acacia smirked. "Slim to none," she agreed. "And... we weren't in this one, were we?"

"No." Jay glanced up at her friend. "... you think she might be growing out of picking on us?"

"She does seem to be maturing, perhaps developing in her wri... nah, I can't do it." Acacia's serious expression cracked. "I'm sure she'll be back next year with another parcel of sheer nonsense."

"Naturally." Jay pushed the papers to the side and leant back in her chair. "After all - what else are Septembers for?"

((The A/Ns have been excised because JayBird's hallmark has always been legible-but-awful, and they were pushing it too far towards illegible-nonsense. Perhaps she can have them back if she learns to spell a bit better. ~hS))

THIS MEANS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-14 01:23:00 UTC Reply

Also, how did you know that Morana and Calamity were going to fall in love? Ah, that doesn't matter.

What matters is I WILL DO ANYTHING! TO MAKE YOU SEE! HOW MUCH! YOUR WRITING SUCKS! ANYTHING! YOU HEAR ME? Even going to comment in front of everyone on your fic which is EXACTLY what YOU DID in the first place. YOU MOVED FIRST AND SAID I WAS THE BAD GUY FOR DEFENDING MYSELF. Piece of scrap. You're going down. YOU'RE. GOING. DOWN.

And everyone else? Please go down the thread to read my fic (I won't say it's better than this one, because I want you to find out yourself) and read the awful things JayBird did. Please understand this situation from my point of view. JayBird is driving me crazy. I don't think I can take it anymore. I need help and support. Do it for me and for the PPC, okay?

Thanks, and may Scott Cawthon bless all who come help me.

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox Animatronic

---

(Yeeees. Yeeeees. DEEWIT. KILL HER.

-Darth Twisteyous)

Hey, you're not so bad after... wait, that was actually kinda creepy. I'm scared. o.o

((I'm having too much fun with this. Can you tell?

-Twistey))

((Btw, did hS come up with what JayBird looks like?)) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-17 17:57:00 UTC Reply

((Because I seriously want to draw more googly eyed fan art. Y'know, JayBird and NTtDFA literally trying to kill each other and then hS and I in the background stuffing our faces with popcorn like we're watching a movie. That'd be great.

-Twistey))

((I did it.)) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-17 23:20:00 UTC Reply

http://makemegoogly.com/Y4R2Z

((I decided to go ahead and create my personal interpretation of JayBird's and NTtDFA's online personas. You're welcome, hS.

-Twistey))

((Yes indeed, you did.)) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-19 08:59:00 UTC Reply

And you have perfectly captured JayBird's self-image. :D Right down to the fact that she doesn't have the faintest idea how to hold a sword.

Very nicely done.

hS

((YAY HAHA!)) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-22 01:08:00 UTC Reply

((You can only do so much with the "outstretched arms" arms settings in Walfas.))

-Twistey

((You know the pic of Jaycacia on the wiki?)) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-17 20:41:00 UTC Reply

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Jaycacia_Thornbyrd

That, but less so. Her hair is probably more strawberry-blonde, and I'd guess she wears it long but in a ponytail (she /wants/ to have it loose, but it's too stupidly curly, and just tangles). She's actually moderately cute, if you don't mind glitter and incoherence.

(Also she's apparently from New England, which I think gets cold? So while she'd like to wear that dress, she's probably in something warmer.)

hS

((Acknowledged. I was trying to make her persona mostly.)) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-22 01:07:00 UTC Reply

((Complete with a phoenix theme.))

-Twistey

I feel pride and humiliation by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-09 12:25:00 UTC Reply

I loev that my OCs are in this, like Terry Pratchett. OTOH, my OCs are in an OFU. I do not know howto feel...
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-09 03:01:00 UTC Reply

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS: JAYCACIA!!!!! TYAYYYYY!

AND U PUT AROIROA IN 2!!!! UR THEBEST!!!!

xoxox

(( OMG, BBQ? WTF! {; D ))

Right, proper review. by Ronion on 2017-09-05 21:29:00 UTC Reply

There is a good idea in here - I like that the PPC has its own OFU, it seems like the sort of thing they'd do - but your writing style is atrocious to the point that it's nearly unreadable. The Sunflower Official simply isn't like this, and I have to ask: did you request to use Morana in any manner, let alone this one? Not that one has to, of course, but it's only polite.

Like I said at the start, this really does have a lot of potential, if it was written by someone else. Anyone else. Lemony. Avlates_usted. A small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one fine summer morning. Anyone. Yes, there are some bits that are amusing - the transition into legible English to mark the transition into HQ from Tallulah's homefic is a nice touch, I like the Not As Big As The Big Auditorium But Bigger Than The Small Auditorium Auditorium (someone's been at the Feegles) - but overall, it's a really garbled mess of a fic. It's like gumbo made by a blind idiot from Stevenage in a kitchen full of bicycle parts.

If it was written by someone else, you say? by lightfairy406 on 2017-09-06 18:55:00 UTC Reply

If that's a writing prompt/challenge, I gleefully accept.

((I might join you, if you don't mind.)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-07 05:53:00 UTC Reply

((It sounds like a lot of fun, and I'm almost at the weekend :D

~Z))

((That would be lovely. Trade off chapters?)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2017-09-07 23:32:00 UTC Reply

((...*yes*)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-08 05:55:00 UTC Reply

((We can even make the styles and storyline conflict in places. It'll be awesome.))

((All right, then let's get started! :D)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2017-09-09 23:00:00 UTC Reply

((:D excellent. Would you like the first chapter?)) (nm) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-09 23:20:00 UTC Reply

((Would love to see this. ^_^)) (nm) by Huinesoron on 2017-09-06 19:34:00 UTC Reply

Wow this is really really good!!! by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-05 17:45:00 UTC Reply

I love love love that you made you're character Legolas sister a mermaid!! We dnot see that enogh in storys and you also used my character!!! OMMMMG I love you're stories but that was amazing!! Can I use talullah in mine story too? :DDD
Wow, LOL! by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-05 17:00:00 UTC Reply

This is relly different, JayBird. Tallulah is kewl!

But don't b mad, but I'm a little confused? Who r the good guys and who r the bad gutys? I meen obvs Morona is a bad guy, but how come all the fangrisl r all rogether then, and the agantes r like ther tachers or something? An the poral is bad? But the SO is nice???

I'm sure it's me, I'm just confvused, cuz ur a reely gud writer and stuff! soz! Ur the best!!!

XOXOX

Ooh, it's this time again! by MotherShipper on 2017-09-04 00:34:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimers and stuff: All right, I obviously don't own any characters here. This fic is rated 18, or M in Freedomland. Not going to be explicit (it's not as explicit as Scape's masterpiece), but it's not hard to figure out what's going on here. You've been warned.

---------------------------------------------

Zeb padded into the Courtyard luxuriantly as his wonderful soft luxuriant fur had just been carefully washed by his partner. He gazed over the lush green grass, the verdant trees, and the sparkling blue water beforewalking into the center of the area to lie down and wait for someone to show up

It was at that time coincidentally that Ix wwalkec inn and Zeb as always wondered what happened for him to get all those scars across his face and stuff. Ix took a few steps into the Courtyared, looking up at the sky, and let out a shriek of internal pain and agony baring out her soul to any who could hear. Zeb bounced over as was his way.

"Hey, Ix!" Zeb bounced "Whatup?"

Ix smiled despite himself because it's impossible to be sad and angsty when confronted with a happy luxray. "oh Zeb" he said "I'm just so unhappy all the time and Charlotte is just smothering me in her protective awesomeness! I can't deserve her so I'm out here alone instead of doing whatever in the RC."

Zeb nodded sagely, still bouncing around. “Well do you want a distraction or something? I can go fetch stuff like sticks!”

“Sure” Ix said and tackleglomped Zeb petting him and his beautiful silky fur all over and started tearing his clothes off to reveal more beautiful scars which Zeb wasted no time in licking sensually. Eventually the two pulled away, breathless. “Wow that was great,” Ix said. “I barely feel terrible and angsty now!”

“Good!” Zeb replied. “I’m told I have a way of rubbing off on people like that.”

“You certainly do.”

It was then that Zeb had an idea, an idea to do something he’d always wanted to do since getting blown up and winding up in the PPC. Before long, both Agents were having lots of fun, rolling in the grass of the Courtyard and ending up with Zeb standing over the almost-Auror as the sun was setting, painting the sky with a dazzling array of oranges and golden yellows and other similarly gem- and precious metal-inspired colors.

And Ix screamed into the sky, tears of pure joy and pleasure streaming down his face,

“OHHHHHHHH ZEBBIE-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN~~~~~”

Part 2! by MotherShipper on 2017-09-17 21:03:00 UTC Reply

Thanks to LemonyEggnog, I've decided to write a second part!

((Seriously. They're to blame for this. It's waaaay too NSFW for the Board, but here is a link to it. NSFW for graphic smut. May Iximaz have mercy on my soul :D ))

Oh snap, you actually did it. (( Mildly NSFW )) by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-18 00:01:00 UTC Reply

Dear gods, what hath I wrought? ¿Por qué? ¿Por queeeé?!

No, for real though, I am conflicted. On the one hand, actually decent writing! It doesn't hurt my eyes, and the porn itself, while naturally YMMV according to taste, does not straight-up hurt my brain, either. Like, I'm not into cat peens, and I'm not sure they work quite the way you think they do, but you do you!

On the other hand, the characters are still painfully OOC, your lemon is a tad purple (which is not a healthy color for lemons!), and the last paragraph made me laugh. This is not a good thing. First, that is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad joke about poor Zeb, and you should be ashamed! Second, buckets of it, seriously? *giggle snort* And finally, are you telling me Zeb's eau de vie contains some sort of anesthetic? That's... that's a nice feature, that is, I admit, but come on. XD You just couldn't keep a straight face on it, could you?

But still, I must congratulate you. I was thoroughly over-the-top ridiculous at you, and you called my bluff and made something I can honestly call half-decent. Kudos!

--Lemony

(( I'm not sorry and I'm not apologizing! {X D Unless Ix is actually mad, in which case I will.

(( And once again, the Badfic Game gets more M-rated toward the end. ))

Well then. by MotherShipper on 2017-09-18 00:20:00 UTC Reply

((Not sure how to respond. Thanks for the feedback? Sorry it wasn't worse as a Badfic Games thing? Either way, in true badficcer fashion, this is all YOUR fault. Not mine. :P

Seriously, though, um. No, I couldn't keep a straight face at all. And I guess I'm a slash author now.))

(( Welcome to the club. )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-18 22:01:00 UTC Reply

Of I-guess-I'm-a-slash-author-now. The Badfic Game did it to me, too, and I really only have my own subconscious to blame.

If it makes you feel better(?), Lemony is supposed to be an experienced connoisseur of the M-rated genres. I... am not. For myself, I'm more weirded out, but also still amused in that CAH "oh god does this make me a horrible person?" sort of way. So, good job? ^_^;

~Neshomeh

So dumb by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-04 22:45:00 UTC Reply

This fic is stupid. I mean, look at how OOc Zeb is. We all know that Zeb is incredibly violent and hates interpersonal relationalships. I don't even know if she has genitals.

And Ix is usually so unyielding. She's very forceful

It's like everyone in the fic got personality transplants. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? JEEZ. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY AN IDIOT NOT WORTH MY TIME.

omg what have u even been reading by omegaXAS21-953 on 2017-09-06 13:33:00 UTC Reply

zeb doesnt have genitals evryone remembers episode 772 when zeb was turned into a jellybean genie made out of swirling jellybeans in the form of a vague humann figure constantly screming in the eternal existential horor of having your entire body stolen away from u JELLYBEANS ODONT HAVE bODYPARTS DUMMY

but ur right about ix; shes very forceful as seen in chapter 22201 when she used her plantinum skin to deflect the bulltet right back into corporal zargnon's gun causing it to explode in on itself adn defeat the entire league of darkness in a single climatcic end

rember that?

What the plum pudding is this? by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-04 15:54:00 UTC Reply

Wait, wait. I think I get it. You want to write porn, but you're nervous, right? That's where all the parodic elements are coming from. You're afraid nobody will take you seriously, so you're saving them the trouble of taking the wind out of your sails by doing it yourself.

Poor thing. Look, if you want to write porn, do it! Ships ahoy, mate, and darn the torpedoes! I mean, you're gonna want to spend some time properly setting up the relationship first, because good lord are the characters acting like poorly rendered caricatures of themselves here, but you're halfway there. Just take the suck out. Or, tell you what, just skip to the X-rated parts and go for broke. Nothing wrong with a little PWP here and there. Do it. Just do it. Don't let your dreams stay dreams! : D

--Lemony

Fine. by MotherShipper on 2017-09-06 02:24:00 UTC Reply

((I'll create a Google Doc for it, though. Don't want to get in the way of The Rules :-P))

/~=~Interlude~=~/ by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-03 22:32:00 UTC Reply

[[AN: AUGH. You wake up the next morning and discover that you've posted to FFW drunk. Apologies for that nonsense. The following story will be up to my usual standards of quality.]]

The Aviator walked into Rudis and sat down at the bar. "Grr. I am sad and angsty," she said, in a sad and angsty. She then burst into tears and started crying. She took out some black paint and started painting her face.

"Oh shut up," said Acacia, who was sitting nearby. "If you keep crying like that, I'll stab you."

At this point, The Head of the PPC, Mr. Sunflower, walked in the bar. Everyone in the bar bowed. "Good news!" he said. "I just sent out all the paychecks, and we've done such a good job you can all get a two weeks vacation!"

Everyone cheered, except Agent Selene. She wished she could spend more time doing her job.

Just then, Thoth walked in. "I just loosed a bunch of Genestealers all over HQ. Jave fun dealing with that!"

"But why would you do that?" Asked Agent Cameo. "It doesn't benefit you at all?"

"Because," said Thoth, "I'm evil! Do you think I need a reason? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Just then, Tom hit Thoth in the back of his head with a crowbar. "Sorry about that. Come on..." He dragged Thoth back to the RC by his T-shirt.

Then Jay showed up and punched Acacia in the face. This started a barfight, which stopped why Terry Pratchett entered the room.

"But what are you doing here?" asked Jay.

"Didn't you know? I'm secretly an agent." said Terry. He then gave them all copies of the 50th Discworld novel, causing most of the participants in the fight to become so focused on reading that they stopped fighting.

Then the author of this fic walked into the room and was immediately shot by Agent Zeb for writing something this stupid.

I liked Dangerous Mission better. (nm) by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-04 19:38:00 UTC Reply
So... by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-04 18:45:00 UTC Reply

You wrote this by clicking the "Random page" button on the PPC Wiki and using whatever names popped up, right?

... That's actually not a terrible idea. Huh. Maybe less lolrandom, more actually taking the prompt seriously next time? I'd read it.

Honestly, I chuckled at this, too. A little. Don't judge me! We all have our moments of weakness.

--Lemony
i Licked it! by JayBird on 2017-09-04 16:46:00 UTC Reply

I especilally enyoyed the prat where your'e OC sohwedd up. 'Terry Pratchett' is a verry funni nam! hOw did yow tihnk of it???? neway goo sotry

~JayBird~

Time Enough For Love (not safe for conservatiev workplaces) by zZzSwagMortzZz on 2017-09-02 22:08:00 UTC Reply

Summary: I decided to try something different. Ave/Dee.

The Aviator was in her TARDIS, cleaning up after having put Elanor to bed. Suddenly, the Detective walked in!

"Aah!", the Aviator shouted, scared, "How did you get in here?"

"The front door." said the Detective.

"What do you want?"

"Remember that one time we did some stuff when we were drunk?"

"Yep!" said Ave. "It was fun!"

"It sure was."

"Did you want to do it again?". The Aviator, who'd already taken most of her clothes off to be more comfortable clearing, started to take off the rest of them.

The Detective blushed. "Uh ... yeah. I did. 's why I came here."

"Cool. It's great that you came by again. I've needed to get in another relationship after my last boyfriend died in the war."

Ave then shrugged dismissively and said, a bit quieter, "Between you and me, he was kind of lame. Not like you."

"Awww, thanks!" The Detective was a bit surprised that anyone was saying that sort of stuff about him, and tried not to show it. It didn't work out very well.

The Aviator looked towards the bedroom, and then realized something. "We can't have sexytimes here?!" she said suddenly. "We'd wake Elanor!"

"Damm. That sucks." said Dee, rather disappointed. "Maybe later, then.". He started walking away.

On his way out of the room, he remembered something. "Wait! My TARDIS has a spare bedroom! Maybe yours does too?"

"I dunno. Let's go look?"

And so the two lovers went off in search of the spare bedroom, holding hands. Fortunately, thanks to Ave's expert navigational skills (which were so good that she could find places in Headquarters while trying to get there), they found it in about a minute, even though it was halfway across the TARDIS.

They went in, and Dee started to take off his clothes too. Both the Time Lords got into bed, and started off with several rounds of passionate snuggling and kissing. After a good hour or so of that, they put the legendary Time Lord stamina to work. They spent the next day or so plowing each other relentlessly, thereby setting off a whole new round of speculation in the Multiverse Monitor about Elanor's parentage.

Somewhere in the middle of a pile of all these goings-on whose detailed description would bump the rating too much for this website, Ave turned to the Detective and squealed "Oh my god, I love you!"

"I love you too, Ave!"

"We should get married! Elanor already thinks you're her dad, we might as well make it official. And then we can do this every night!"

"Sounds like a great plan! We can do that after we get tired of this!"

They then got back to screwing.

Eventually, the two bleary Time Lords, faces glowing with happiness, stumbled out of bed. They took a shower (together, obviously) and then put their clothes on. Then, they started heading out of the TARDIS so they could portal to Vegas and get the wedding over with.

As they were leaving, they saw Zeb, who was sniffing the air.

"Ave! Dee! You were mating, weren't you?" he asked, teasing.

"Yeah! And we're getting married! Want to come?" the Aviator said, excited.

"Duh! What took you two so long? You're perfect for each other!"

Both Time Lords looked at each other and shrugged. "Dunno." they said, nearly in unison.

The new couple (and Zeb) then left the TARDIS and started fiddling with the portal generator.

A/N: To be continued? Maybe. Depends on if I get reviews.

Time Enough For Love, Ch. 2 (somewhat NSFW) by zZzSwagMortzZz on 2017-09-04 01:25:00 UTC Reply

Time Enough For Love Ch. 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! You ready for wedding shenanigans?

The Aviator, the Detective, and Zeb were all standing in front of a portal set for Las Vegas ... sort of. It was a version of Vegas that was basically the real Vegas, but they wouldn't mind marrying two Time Lords with a Pokemon as the witness.

The Aviator was about to step through the portal when she took a step back. "Wait, why aren't we doing this on Gallifrey?"

The Detective waved a hand dismissively. "Too traditional. The ceremony would take, like, hours, and I want to get back to shagging you. Also, Vegas is traditional for drunken weddings!"

"B-b-but I'm not drunk!" protested the Aviator.

"Good point." said the Detective. "We should fix that. Let's go to Rudi's.". He put a hand around the Aviator's showlders and led her out the door through the featureless gray corridors of HQ, with Zeb following behind them.

The trio got to the bar, which was rather loud and crowded. They managed to fight their way to the bar (with some strategically placed elbows), and the Aviator shouted "Next few dozen rounds are on me, you too! I'm getting married and I need to have fun and get too wasted to remember all that crap I usually angst about!"

"That's a great plan!" said Zeb, who was rather excited to get to try actual alcohol. "Why haven't you tried that before?"

The Aviator muttered "Dunno. Must've never come up before." and started knocking back shots of whatever the bartender was putting in front of them. She didn't even keep an eye on the bill - being one of the most famous and decorated agents in HQ came with a serious paycheck.

After about three drinks, Zeb was rather unsteady and starting to shoot off sparks. "Imm jush gonna go back t' th Rshe." he slurred, wandering away from the bar. On his way out of Rudi's, a also rather inebriated cat-person caught his eye.

"Hey. 'm Zeb. Y'know, the Aviator's partner?" he introduced himself. "Are you a Meouwh? It's kinda hard to tell, since there's four of you."

"I'm Za'kiir." said said cat, holding out a paw. "My partner's somewhere else, so I got pretty wasted on this sugar.""

Zeb shook the paw. "Ave's still over there getting drunk before she gets married in Vegas. I'm a bit out of it, so I left.. Sort of disappointed I didn't get involved in the mating at all though."

"Hmm...", thought the cat. "Khajjit could show you a good time, if you'd like."

Zeb blushed. "Hell yeah!" he said, arcing all over. Then, the two agents went off into a dark corner of the pub and had a very good time. (A/N: I can't describe this very well because I have no idea how that could even work, but those two needed to get together!)

Meanwhile, the two Time Lords were getting to the point where they could actually feel the effects of the copious amounts of alcohol they were drinking. Both of them started telling kickass stories from the war to anyone who would listen, which obviously involved a lot of one-upping each other about how many Daleks they'd obliterated. This got them a few new admirerers.

Eventually, the about-to-be-married couple left the bar, just drunk enough to allow for an easy annulment the next day should the need arise. On their way out of the bar, they ran in to Zeb, who was leaving after having gotten to know (both as a person and in the Biblical sense) Za'kiir. As the three of them started to walk back to the RC, Zeb was excitedly telling the other two about his new boyfriend and planning the second date.

Once they'd reached the RC, everyone straightened up their clothes (or fur). Then, they took a few minutes to chase the pigeon that had wandered through the portal they'd forgotten to close out into the hallway. This involved some innovative applications of a sonic screwdriver and a broomstick. After the pest problem was taken care of, everyone stepped through the portal and closed it behind them.

The Time Lords unsteadily walked into the nearby courthouse and told the clerk "We're here to get married!"

"Great, go fill out this form." said the tentacled fellow behind the desk, passing over the paperwork.

When the form was almost complete, the Detective noticed something. "Hey, uh, honey, we need two witnesses."

"Darn. C'n we use the clerk?"

"Says here we can't." said the Detective. Then he threw up his arms and started running around in a circle. "WHAT DO WE DO!!??" he panicked.

"I've got a plan. It's a great plan." said Ave. "Give me the portal gun."

The Aviator then opened a portal right into Rudi's. She stepped through and went up to the bar. There, she spotted her best friend — OK, well it was actually someone she'd just met at the pub a few hours back, but close enough — Serendipity Twenty-Nine.

"Hey, Serendi-somethin' — robot chick!"

Serendipity glanced at the Aviator. "What? I'm busy moping about how I'm going to lose my powers and plotting a revolution."

"We need a second witness for the wedding. It'll only be a few minutes. Can you come?"

"Ugh. fine. But you owe me one." grumbled the robot, standing up.

Ave then opened a portal back into court, and the two of them stepped through. Everyone signed the form, which took a few minutes since Galiffreyan signatures are pretty long, and handed it in to get a marriage license. Some psychic paper served just fine as valid ID for the four of them, so that wasn't an issue either.

After all the government junk was dealt with, the Aviator and the Detective had a long, multi-minute embrace and kiss.

Somewhere around the twentieth minute, Serendipity figured out which city they were in. Her eyes turned red. "Is this a human city? I hate humans!" she shouted, charging up a rocket launcher.

The noise startled the newlyweds out of their passion. "Put that down!" shouted the Detective, opening up a portal to Ave's RC. "We're all goin' home. Me 'n Ave have some, y'know, stuff, to get to."

The Aviator put an arm around Serendipity and the Detective. "Yeah. Let's get out of here before security shows up. I don't like dealing with the paperwork for shooting people."

"Ugh, that paperwork." muttered Serendipity, her eyes turning blue again. She put the gun back and stepped through the portal.

"Bar's that way." said the Aviator to the android, pointing, after everyone had made it back to the RC. "Third right, thes second left, then keep going straight until you reach it." Serendipity walked out the door, plotting revenge on humanity under her breath.

"Hey, Zeb? Can you keep Elanor distracted while we enjoy our wedding night?" asked the Aviator, opening the door into her TARDIS.

"Sure! You two have fun!" said the Pokemon, who'd, unlike everyone else, sobered up by now.

The two Time Lords grabbed each others hands and walked deep into the TARDIS, where they found the bedroom they'd used the day before. There, in a fit of passion, they ripped each others clothes off and got really busy trying to give Elanor a sibling. Their love grew so loud that several neighboring RCs filed noise complaints, and seismic disturbances were reported somewhere in Iowa because of the noise.

A/N: I'll keep writing as long as you keep encouraging me with those sweet, sweet reviews!

Astoundingly Corroborating of Incomparable Literary Genius! by Aegless_Concision on 2017-09-05 05:19:00 UTC Reply

How verifiably effulgent! Wedding plans! Serendipity cameos! Drunk!Zeb! The conglomeration of every multifarious character is simply effulgent in its facets multitudinous! Continue to detail the effervescent writings!!!1
ummm wtf did I just read by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-04 01:31:00 UTC Reply

Like I kno I said I wanted to see them get married but I thought it would be more romantic this was just sinning paperwork and stuff :l

And why would u include Zeb being gay that's just gross

UNFOLLOWING

Ok, good point by zZzSwagMortzZz on 2017-09-04 01:39:00 UTC Reply

Sort of glossed over the wedding. I can fix that next chapter.

And Zeb's gay because he's totally gay, haven't you read the canon? It's so obvious! And it's not gross, you homofob!

Omg, u cant just leave it there!!! by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-02 22:15:00 UTC Reply

You gotta show how their happy marriage goes! MOAR NOW PLZ!!!!!

*cries and falls down hugging you're knees*

The New Recruit - Prologue and Chapter 1 by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-02 21:56:00 UTC Reply

(Note from the Original, Non-Suethor Version Of This Author:

This fic may end up being NSFW and/or NSFB. I'm not sure exactly where to go with it. It features Sued versions of some agent ideas I had recently, along with some of the more famous agents made by other people functioning as the Sues' punching bags or adoring fans. I have particularly mischievous plans for a few of the male agents... TuT But anyway! Let's go, then!)

----
The New Recruit

---Prologue---

As I slept in my luxurious bed in my sweet home town of Las Vegas after a day of gambling (my parents let me do whatever I want), I had the most wonderful dream. I was standing in the middle of a beautiful, dark forest clearing underneath a huge, pure white full moon. Everything smelled of pine and aspen and maple and flowers too, like lavender and honeysuckle and pink roses, my favorite of all. In the clearing there was a small, still reflecting pool, surrounded by a short circle of rose bushes, and before it was a massive yellow sunflower that appeared to be watching me. It was wearing a robe of some sort. I approached the giant flower and stared at it in wonder, and a couple seconds later, it began to speak to me.

Tomorrow, you will come to a new world, it said, its voice echoing through my brain. Do not be afraid. You will discover new power within you, more than you've ever dreamed of. Then I felt my heart beating in every part of me with a strong, regular rhythm, and everything slowly went dark as the flower's last words faded away:

Feel... it... pulse...

I woke up falling.

---Chapter 1---

Hi, my name is Morana Kristine Stephanie Hecate King, and I'm a 16-year-old girl with black-and-pink hair reaching to just below my boobs and shiny pink eyes. Usually before I came here I would wear blue contacts and say that my hair was dyed so that I wouldn't be mocked (and yes, some people found out and mocked me anyway), but once I came to the place where I belonged, I threw those suckers away! Of course, I still wear makeup, even though I look gorgeous without it, with my beautiful face and figure, because doing people's makeup is what I like best. I always wear clothes that make me look super cute, like right now I've got on a black strapless top with a pink glittery skull on it, a short black skirt with a pink glittery belt, thigh-high black and pink striped stockings, and black lace-up boots with pink glittery lightning bolts on them. In terms of accessories, I also am wearing a pink light-up pendant necklace (ha, bet you didn't know those exist!), black wrist-guard thingies like Wonder Woman wears except black not gold, and my new jacket over my shoulders. Why'd they have to make my department logo a cactus? That's so lame! A pink glittery broken heart would be better. Anyway, you can get a general image of me now, right? Aren't I hawt? Yeah, I know.

But that's not the point of the story, is it? I know you want some makeup tips from me, but I have to tell you about how I got to my favorite place ever, my new home. What is that? Well, let's go back to me falling. I was falling and falling and falling as I flailed my arms in a futile attempt to somehow get out of the hole I was in as my mind raced to figure out what was going on. Had I been sleepwalking? What was going on? Why wasn't I in my pajamas? Oh well, it seemed like in my sleep I'd picked out my cutest outfit yet! Go me! I kept falling, and I fell faster and faster and faster. I was wondering when I was going to stop falling when I saw the ground approaching. The ground had tiles on it, and they were white and black. Why not pink? Wherever I was going needed a remodeling. And that's when I hit the ground, landing on my feet standing as I looked around the place. I appeared to be in some sort of office building, in a room with windows and doors. Surrounding me were many young adults in black jackets and the giant sunflower from my dream, except it was wearing the top half of a suit, as well as other huge flowers. Upon seeing me, they became excited, murmuring amongst themselves things like "That's the one from the prophecy!" and "Looks like we have a new recruit." I awkwardly smiled, shrugging my shoulders, which caused them to burst into cheers. "Welcome," said the sunflower. "We've been waiting for you."

-------

How'd ya like it? I think it's a good start to a story! Plz review it! Reviews r my life! Except no flames. I haven't been flamed before - this is my first story - so I don't know what it's like, but I know that flamers are horrible, horrible people. Have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

The New Recruit - Chapter 2 by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-04 18:01:00 UTC Reply

Author's Note:

Okay, so this story hasn't been getting much attention lately in comparison to other fics like that stupid one written in a German accent. Why do people like it? It has no plot whatsoever, no suspense, no destiny, no magic powers, no entire-universe-is-at-stake, no cute outfits, just sex and more sex! Well, hmph! I can do better than that! I'll show everyone what a PPC fanfic really looks like!

Also, my story got flamed by somebody named Lemony Eggnog (quite an unfortunate event, I should say! Hahaha!) and all I can say is... Is that the best you've got?! Or are all of you too scared to flame me because you know this fic is about to achieve greatness?! Hah! Cowards, all of you.

(Note from the Original:

My apologies to Lemony Eggnog. Thanks for the concrit! My apologies also to Ronion, who wrote the Biggen-brassen-whatever-en fic. I feel kinda guilty for finding your fic funny, but it is funny nonetheless.

-Twistey)

----

---Chapter 2---

"Hello there, I guess," I replied to the sunflower, and the crowd quieted down. "I'm Morana... what is this place? Who are all of you?"

"Welcome to the headquarters of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum," said the sunflower, "or the PPC for short. I am the Sunflower Official, the head of the entire business, and these are the agents."

"Cool! So, what do you do?" Since someone had mentioned a prophecy and the sunflower had obviously known I was coming, these Protectors must have had some sort of cool purpose.

"The objective of the PPC is to maintain the canons of stories by eliminating things in fanfiction that would be unlikely to happen in canon. Like Mary Sues, bad pairings, characters not acting like themselves, that stuff."

"That's awesome! So what's this prophecy about?"

"Duh," said a grumpy agent with shoulder-length brown hair, "it's about you."

"Yeah it is," I replied, "but what do I do in the prophecy?"

"Let me give you the prophecy," said another flower. The crowd parted to allow another agent, who had blonde hair dip dyed red in a high ponytail and intense red eyes, and was wearing a different outfit from most of the other agents, walk across the room to hand me a small tablet made of marble. "Welcome," she whispered softly, then winked at me and disappeared back into the masses of people.

I wondered what that meant, but then decided not to think about it until later, and began reading the tablet. The font was an interesting sort of cursive, the cavities made in the rock by the chisel filled up with a pink and red glittery gem-substance. Nothing else was engraved into it.

Apparently, I'd been lost in thought, because someone in the crowd said: "Well, what are you waiting for? Read it!" And so I began doing so.

When canon is in danger and an impure powerful love appears in the night, two fallen agents like never seen before will bring the PPC to its former might.

"The fallen part and the like never seen before part, we know are about you and the agent who's going to be your partner," the Sunflower Official explained, "since you both fell through plot holes and there aren't really any agents who are similar to either of you."

"So, we're going to make the PPC great... again?"

"Yep."

"It did not say that you would surpass Jay and Acacia, just that you and your partner would do similarly well." This again was the grumpy agent, who upon closer inspection, seemed to be an elf of some sort.

The crowd waited for my answer to his statement. I was assuming that Jay and Acacia were really good agents from a while back in the organization's history.

So I spoke. "Try me."

They burst into cheers again and streamed out of the room, leaving just me and the sunflower. I was about to leave too, until he stopped me. "No partying just yet, first we must send you to your department and RC."

"What would those be?"

"You're going to be in the Department of Mary Sues, probably the most important department in the organization. You've already been assigned a partner, she's the other girl in the prophecy. Your response center is number 411."

"Okay, I guess I'll be heading off there. Or is there anywhere else I have to go first?"

"No, not really. Go to your RC, meet your partner, go on your first mission. You seem good enough to not need training here."

"Oh! Lovely! Thank you!" I waved to the flower and left for my room.

----
Okay, I've gotten a couple other comments between the time I started writing this chapter and the time I ended it, so thank you to xXth0th999Xx for the good review! Nothing much to say otherwise! Have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

------

(Note from the Non-Suethor:

Why 411? Well, I really didn't feel like coming up with a Sueish number or using a letter, since it would be a little bit too over-the-top. 411 is actually the number that I hope I'll be able to use for the non-Sue "Morana" and her partner once I have Permission to make them actual agents.

I chose 411 because it's an important number in the game Spooky's House of Jumpscares, being the room in which a certain Specimen 7 appears. I have a feeling that I'm going to be using "Specimen ____ appears in the room with this number" numbers a lot for my agents' RC numbers, since they all have kind of an arbitrary feel and I'm pretty sure none of them are taken, at least, 411 isn't.

Why did I choose the room number for Specimen 7, then, instead of Spec 8 (my favorite) or Spec 9 (by far the most powerful and the final boss)? Well, for starters, Specimen 9 doesn't have a specific "room", but back on topic, Specimen 7 and what I've planned so far about non-Sue "Morana" have something in common. I'll leave you to speculate.

-Twistey)

The New Recruit - Chapter 3 by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-11 00:14:00 UTC Reply

Author's Note:

*exhales*. Okay, there are two ways I could write this note. I could rant at the people who flamed me and twisted my self-defense into supposedly me "flaming" them, and I could bring myself down to their level by doing so. Or I could thank the person who used genuinely logical arguments to help keep them at bay and reduce their horrible attempts at making sense into pure knee-jerk responses as are often seen on the Internet.

Who this person is may surprise you. Did I not just denounce the "stupid fanfic written in a German accent" in my last chapter's author's note? Well, it turns out that the person was none other than Ronion, who wrote that... interesting fic. Thanks, Ronion, for all that you did.

And JayBird and brandywine_baby09 can go to hell.

----

(That's hS and Nesh, by the way. Silly oldbies being silly.

-Twistey)

---Chapter 3---

It didn't take me long to get to my RC. Despite what I'd heard about HQ, navigation was pretty easy. I just started counting black tiles on the floors, and soon enough, I was at the door of room 411. The numbers were in pink and red glitter cursive, like the words carved into the stone. I opened the door.

Inside the room, sitting on a red bed next to a pink one, was the agent who had given me the tablet with the prophecy on it. She waved and motioned for me to come in. I sat down on the pink bed and she introduced herself.

"Hi!" she said, "I'm Calamity Megaera Skadi Roxelana Hellfire, your partner!"

"Sweet, I have a partner!" Since she'd introduced herself using her full name, I felt like I should do the same. "My name is Morana Kristine Stephanie Hecate King."

"You have a cool name."

"Thanks, you too."

We talked for a while, about what being an agent was like and what I should generally expect, and who everyone was and what they were like, and in the process we each shared personal stories until it felt like we'd known each other for years! That's when a thought came to my mind.

"Hey Calamity, I'd like you to promise me something."

"Yes?"

"Promise me that every time I save you on our missions, you'll let me do your makeup when we get back here."

Calamity rolled her eyes, but laughed a couple seconds later. "Fine."

Then she yawned. "It's getting a bit late. Why don't we settle in for the night? We need some good rest for tomorrow's mission!" She handed me some standard-issue pajamas and we both changed under the covers of our beds. Then we turned out the lights and fell asleep.

----

Okay, I was too lazy to come up with a backstory for either of them, so that's why there isn't much dialogue in this chapter. Feel free to give me some suggestions! No joke suggestions or other things meant to be rude to me! Looking at you, JayBird and her right-hand goon! As for the rest of you, have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

----

(I had something to say here but I forgot. Anyway... you're letting people give you suggestions for your characters' backstories? Well, I guess it'll be for the better, if you're willing to actually accept something sane.

-Twistey)

What is a "sane" backstory, exactly? I mean, aside from Morana being a demigod or the last of a fantastical race or something like that. That'd be stupid.

(You're getting there. A good backstory would happen in real life. Morana's has some potential to be good - maybe her dad was part of a gang so she got to do whatever she wants and lived in Las Vegas? That sounds interesting.)

A gang?! Morana is a good person!

(I didn't say she wasn't. She could have learned a better morality system from her mom or from other kids and thus been better than her dad. Oh I love this idea!)

You aren't making any sense. Besides, don't vampires and magical powers happen in real life too, so her backstory should involve some of those?

(... No use trying to reply to that. See ya later!)

Hmph.

The New Recruit - Chapter 4 and onwards? by Nightmare Twistey (and regular Twistey) on 2017-09-16 19:46:00 UTC Reply

Author's Note:

Okay, so nobody seems to be reading any of the ffW fics in general, so I guess I'll finish this somewhere else... I guess?

(Probably going to start putting all this into a Google doc, since the fic is going to be a lot more chapters long than the Board can pay attention to, and I seriously want to finish this.

-Twistey)

G'bye for now and have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox Animatronic

(Foxytastic. Wow. Great.

-Twistey)

01010111 01100101 01101100 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010000 01100001 01101100 01101010 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01110100 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101110 00100001
Paljersit!! by JayBird on 2017-09-11 15:46:00 UTC Reply

neway yuo havto stop wrightin now b/c MorONa and Calamity are DED. i Killd them in my fic 'Tofu Hop so iknow ist tru!!!

~JayBird~

((Of course we're being silly. This is the Badfic Games, silly is what we do. ~hS))

...What. by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-14 00:57:00 UTC Reply

What kind of brain do you have that makes you think of that as making sense?! I'm the author of these two characters, so I can do whatever I want with them, and I have the power to decide what is and isn't canon with regards to my OCs.

As for the demand for me to stop writing? Even if I were to play by the rules of your cutesy little game, miss Happy Sunshine Dictator (hah, I got that from the wiki), I could still make other characters and other stories. Ended one story does not equal stopped writing altogether.

Oh. OH. OHHH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHH!

You know what? Since by your logic, if one author kills the other author's character they're supposed to die in canon, I'm going to base my Mary Sue for Morana and Calamity to kill OFF OF YOU! In a way that makes it OBVIOUS IT'S YOU! AND THEREFORE! You're either going to SEE MY POINT that your logic doesn't work! OR YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP WRITING AND/OR ACTUALLY DIE, WHICH WOULD BE EVEN BETTER, YOU PIECE OF PURPLE DISEMBOWELED SCRAP! BUUAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT?! MAYBE I AM EVIL! BUT! Evil does NOT equal PIECE OF SCRAP. There are some people who are pretty dang good at being bad, y'know?

(Like HITLER!

-Twistey)

Um... hi. That was weird. Anyway.

As for the plagiarism argument? You've been yelling the same thing at me for days on end! That's proof that I've won, because you have no other strategy left but to yell the same ting at me over and over! Hah! Take that!

And learn to spell "plagiarism"! Paljersit sounds like a FORKING COUNTRY IN THE MIDDLE FORKING EAST. You know what? LEARN TO SPELL, PERIOD. Then and only then will your argument be valid.

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox SUPER PROUD OF MYSELF 'CAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS I'M BETTER THAN YOU Animatronic!

((Haha, this is kind of funny how our badficcers are yelling at each other. RP fights with Huinesoron FTW.))

Your'e still an plagjerits an im'm not wreading itt by JayBird on 2017-09-05 15:58:00 UTC Reply

iv'e talkt to my fiend whois a LARYER adn seh say taht plajgerim is ILEGGAL so ive reproted you to FANFIC_WOLD adn also teh GOVNERMET. hte pOlise will bee tehre shotly to ARSETT you!!1 neway your'e fic sukss

~JayBird~

You're losing your argument reeeeallll haaaaaarrrrdddddd. (nm) by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-05 23:52:00 UTC Reply
If you're not reading it, how do you know it sucks? by Ronion on 2017-09-05 20:10:00 UTC Reply

~~I mean, it sort of does, but that's not germane to the discussion and you're hardly one to talk.~~

Of course, this assumes I've translated your post correctly (I'm only conversationally fluent in JayBird, alas); if this turns out to be an order for a bucket of chicken jalfrezi and four rounds of garlic-and-cheese naan bread, do let me know.

He's got a point. by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-05 23:56:00 UTC Reply

But anyway, Jay probably didn't read my argument either. She's too far up her own feathered bird butt to even read anything, period. I'm surprised she can see well enough to type, I mean, cause I'm pretty sure birds aren't capable of holding in their own poop.

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

JAYBIRD IS AWESOME OK UR JUST JEALOUS (nm) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-06 01:29:00 UTC Reply
OMG stop claming ma friend Jaybird u flamer@! by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-06 00:56:00 UTC Reply

JayBird is a GR8 WRIER and u SUCK. Ur just mad bcuz ur JEALUS u don't have any oringfal ideas like she does. Go cru in ur moms bawement an lave nice ppl like JayBird ALONG.

XOXOX

(( I'm sorry, I had to. JayBird is an Alpha Suethor, and Brandy is a sycophantic little sheep. ~Neshomeh ))

ALSO!!!! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-09 23:16:00 UTC Reply

If I'm so-called "flaming", then why did YOU go to MY story to tell ME that I'M flaming YOUR friend who commented on MY story and pretty much acted first? It's like Balloon Boy going "OMG Mangul u wanna KILL mah friend Prppl Guy? He didnt do nuthin 2 u espeshuly not SHOVE UR KID SELF IN2 TEH MANGURL SUIT AN UR SOUL IS TRAPT IN IT 4EVA!!!!" Sheesh! I hope Foxy kills you and JayBird both!

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox Animatronic

(That escalated quickly.

-Twistey)

You shut up too.
Okay, WORDS HURT, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (nm by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-09 23:00:00 UTC Reply

(Whoops, forgot to add in my own comment) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-09 23:00:00 UTC Reply

(No offense taken. ;P

-Twistey)

It's like talking to AIs that learned English from Twitter (nm) by Ronion on 2017-09-06 01:41:00 UTC Reply

NO1 IS TALKONG 2 U!!! (nm) by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-06 04:10:00 UTC Reply

Well, noboby asked YOU to join the argument EITHER! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-09 23:03:00 UTC Reply

In fact, you probably shouldn't have joined in the argument at all, because that would be the only way to avoid your double-standarded-ness! Hah! Logic is on my side!

(Double-standards-ness-ness-ness-ness-ness!

-Twistey the Angery Scientist!

...get my reference?

No?)

OMNG YOU PALJERITS!!!1 by JayBird on 2017-09-04 16:43:00 UTC Reply

kk so i sawe in your revyous wher Avlates_usted said your'e playjerisning (dont kn'w how to sepl that lol) my Jaycacia sotries and TAHTS AGENST THE RULLES. so you hav to DELITE TIHS STOR and TAKE IT DOWEN adn REMOOV IT ad GETRIDD OF IT and aslo yow hafe to say SOORY to me.

~JayBird~

The reply in which you get wrecked! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-04 19:21:00 UTC Reply

I AM NOT PLAGIARIZING JAYCACIA. (Good God, that's a stupid name! At least Morana is an actual name!) I didn't even know who Jaycacia was when I started writing this, and I still don't really think I'm ripping off of her just because a prophecy is involved.

Here are a few reasons why Morana is not a ripoff of Jaycacia:
1. Morana is not a ship child of two existing agents. Morana came from Sin City itself (Las Vegas), which if you'd read the goddang story, you would have known!

2. Morana has a completely different appearance and demeanor than Jaycacia. Jaycacia's color scheme is orange and yellow. Morana's color scheme is pink and black. Jaycacia's personality is sweet and cute like a 10-year-old is cute (as it says on the Wiki.) Morana is a different kind of cute, like a boy in high school would say that there's a "cute girl" in his class. That kind of cute. She also actually has a butt-kicking mindset, instead of just accidentally murdering things like Jaycacia does.

3. My inspiration for Morana was the greatest fanfiction of all time, My Immortal, and its protagonist, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Again, I knew nothing about Jaycacia when I wrote the first chapter. Perhaps I should take advantage of this favorite in my reply to you by saying: You're a forking prep!

4. Prophecies are literally everywhere in stories. Anakin Skywalker was a chosen one. The three grandkits of Firestar were chosen ones and Firestar himself was a chosen one. Discovering that you are suddenly in a world with no idea what anything is is everywhere in fiction. Think about the first Portal game, think about Minecraft, think about Avatar (not ATLA, the one with the blue-skinned people.) And as such, you have ZERO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER, aside from Avlates_usted's suggestion about changing my fic (which I won't do, NOR take it down, NOR TEN OTHER SYNONYMS FOR TAKE IT DOWN, especially now that you're up in my a** about it), which now that my argument had been explained doesn't count as evidence anymore, that I was stealing your precious, preppy, ubermensching, Enya-listening, wolf-loving Mary Sue. Now that I know things about her, I wouldn't even want to steal your idea, she's such a piece of poop. BIRD POOP.

Hah. You can't even make a case, little bird. Fly back to your mommy's nest before you squawk another thing you regret or splat another white splatter with a stupid name on this earth.

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

---

(Note from the Non-Suethor:

Wait, is this actually Jay, or... Never been contacted by Jay before on the Board. Nice to "meet" you, haha. Did you like my Suethor's roast of your Suethor? I thought the bird jokes were a nice touch :P

-Twistey)

i dont't liste to playjerrisms.. fnigers in ears by JayBird on 2017-09-04 19:37:00 UTC Reply

((Not Jay, just your Friendly Neighbourhood Huinesoron. Oddly enough, the first Jaycacia story was what led to actual!Jay contacting me out of nowhere...))

((And JayBird deserves everything she gets. ^_^ ~hS))

You mean feathers in ears. Seagull feathers, specifically. by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-06 00:01:00 UTC Reply

My mom almost got pooped on by a seagull once. It was an interesting experience.

((That is 100% true. And oh haha. I was wondering if you, and by that I mean hS, were participating in this. Did you actually read my fic? Because I think you'll recognize one of the random cameos I put in there... ;P))

((And NTtDFA seems to be holding up pretty well. See, there's logic in that brain of hers.))

Hey! I am very logical! How dare you!

((You keep sayin' that, girl. You keep sayin' that.

-Twistey))

((Oh my G-d :D)) by Zingenmir on 2017-09-04 17:34:00 UTC Reply

((I didn't even think of this happening when I made that post and it's beautiful :D

~Z))
... Was that in English? (nm) by Ronion on 2017-09-04 17:03:00 UTC Reply

Ofcurse!!!! (nm) by JayBird on 2017-09-04 17:05:00 UTC Reply

... Are you sure? (nm) by Ronion on 2017-09-04 17:48:00 UTC Reply

itt is andi Can porve it. by JayBird on 2017-09-05 16:02:00 UTC Reply

becuz I life in new ENGLAD witch is waht the langurage is NAMMED AFTER so OFCORSE iM speeking Engish. Iv cecked your'e IEP adn it sas yuo live in STUPEDVILLLE witch is NO in New Egnland so YOUR'E RWONG ADN I'M WRIGHT.

also your'e pots is flamming witc is aginst the ruls so im' reproting you to fanfic_worl lol SPOYLIRS your'e gonaa get band

~JayBird~

I'm reminded of the old adage about pigeons playing chess... (nm by Ronion on 2017-09-05 18:20:00 UTC Reply

Cool! by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-03 22:36:00 UTC Reply

This is an awesome fic! Super interesting, and the protagonist is a really exciting character and a very original concept. I csn't wait to see where it will go.

Thx so much! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-04 16:25:00 UTC Reply

I knew you'd like it! Or, well, I was hoping to say the least, considering you tend to write very manly protagonists... This was a nice surprise! Thanks!

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox Animatronic

(Note from the Non-Suethor:

She'll be better as a legitimate PPC character once I've revamped her, I swear.

-Twistey)

You mean like more glitter?

(No. Well... actually, there'll still be glitter, but... never mind. No use explaining this to you.)

I say more glitter.

(NO.)

Yes by Thoth on 2017-09-04 22:40:00 UTC Reply

(Indeed. The fictional characters are irritating. I like to send them off with a Doombolt.)

Augh. Sorry, my fictional character has delusions of being real.

(Mine too) (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-06 00:02:00 UTC Reply

So I liked the opening and how it was a twist on the trope.. by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-03 19:30:00 UTC Reply

...of someone falling into Middle-earth, input instead it's the PPC...but then the main story started and it kind of sounds like you're copying the Jaycacia stories...? I mean, the had a prophecy too, I think...

Also, maybe you should make your paragraphs shorter. They're hard to read since even when there's dialogue it isn't broken up...

Who's Jaycacia? by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-04 16:52:00 UTC Reply

Whoever she is, Morana is probably better than her.

*looks up Jaycacia* Oh, it's a lesbian ship child of the first two agents! Look at her pretty blonde hair and blue eyes! Look at that old-fashion-y dress and that smile! Look at the sunny field full of flowers in the background! Looking at the picture alone, she probably overromanticizes wolves and thinks Enya is the best singer in the world, I'd guess. Yep. Morana is definitely better.

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

(Note from the Non-Suethor:

The prophecy was intentional. I hate almost all prophecies in fiction, they're pretty much all really stupid, and the whole Chosen One thing just gives the characters an excuse to be Teh Bestest Thing Evar. Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

The paragraph thing, however, wasn't intentional. Tell me more about it, please! Where do you think I should have split up the paragraphs? Thanks for pointing that out! :)

-Twistey)

Oh, honey. by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-02 22:18:00 UTC Reply

For a second, I thought you actually had something here. Sure, the vision was a little overwrought, a few too many unnecessary details, but overall it was mysterious and atmospheric. I could get behind it, you know?

But then chapter one started. Are you a fan of one Tara Gilesbie, also known as XXXbloodyrists666XXX, by any chance? Because that's the vibe I get from the first paragraph. Way too much emphasis on clothing, a character so full of herself it borders on parody... at least your spelling is decent, that's something.

But then we get to the whole prophecy schtick, and all I can say to that is: don't. Just don't. Stop now, start over, and come up with a character that isn't the center of the PPC universe (the setting of which you've got wrong, by the way; yes it's the bureaucracy from hell, no it is not located in a typical office building).

Just, ugh. Darling. Sweetie. You show promise, you really do, but please write something that isn't going to use up the English language's stock of the word "pink."

--Lemony

Yeah, Tara Gilesbie is the BEST, thanks for asking! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-03 02:04:00 UTC Reply

It appears you've heard of My Immortal. Why don't you go read it? It'll change your opinion of what counts as supposedly "good" fanfiction forever! And when you're done with that, if you've still got criticism, well? What can I say? Some people can't comprehend true art. Have a Foxytastic day filled with *ahem* learning experiences!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic, who thinks she can handle this "flaming" thing!

(Note from the Non-Badficcer Version Of This Author:
I completely and utterly agree with all of your comments. And yes, the "four really fancy first names and a very simple last name" thing was indeed a My Immortal reference. Thanks a lot for the reply! I was really happy to find out that none of the things that you pointed out were unintentional. *high five through the computer* Thanks again! Seriously, I really mean it! :D

-Twistey)

5 Times Dawn Cut Her Hair By Accident +1 Time On Purpose! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:15:00 UTC Reply

Full Title: Five Times Dawn McKenna Cut Her Hair Accidentally (And One Time She Did It On Purpose)

A/N: So this is a slightly different kind of story than the other one I started posting below. That one's a romance, but this...well, the PPC really lacks 5+1 fics, which I think is such a shame! So I've decided to write one. And since Agent Dawn is one of my favorites, and she's had long hair for ages, I figured it'd be fun to show a couple of ways she could cut it! With or without a little help...

Enjoy!! And don't forget to R&R (and Read & Review too! ;) )

I.

Dawn was running through a Narnian forest, her long brown braid flying out behind her and thumping annoyingly against her back. It had already been a long day: first of all, she was in Narnia, which hardly ever happened. That would have been nice, if it hadn’t been so long since she’d read the books that she wasn’t completely sure of half the charges, and was having to rely on her partner.

Secondly, her partner. Ugh.

Oh, Supernumerary was a good enough agent. That wasn’t really in question.

What was in question was his attitude: which was dreadful. There were no two ways about it: working with ‘Nume’, as his lovely partner Ilraen had called him, was to suffer.

‘Nume’ was rolling his eyes now: she could just tell from his tone of voice. “Splendid. Caspian’s just landed a killing blow on Aslan. This should be...fun to sort out.”

“What about Peter killing that wolf? Maugrim?” Dawn asked. She was panting: she hadn’t had to run so much in a while.

She could feel the look of disdain from three feet away. “That is canon. Do you never reread books?”

Before she could retort angrily that yes, actually, she did reread books, loved to, in fact, but just hadn’t felt like rereading Narnia recently, something stopped Dawn short. She shrieked as she was pulled backwards by her hair.

“What now?” Nume demanded, but even he fell silent when faced by the sight that met his eyes:

Dawn was trying not to cry from the pain of having her hair pulled with so much force--and no wonder: her braid was tangled firmly in and around the grasp of a moving tree. It was one of the Suefluenced ones, and its twigs went through the braid even as vines wove their way in and around it.

“Oh,” said Nume.

“Ow,” said Dawn, as well as a fine number of further words which aren’t fit to print. “Ow!”

“I, er.” Nume fixed the tree with a look; it froze, but didn’t release Dawn. “Er. I don’t think I can untangle this.”

Dawn said another few words which can’t be printed, and Nume winced.

“Language,” he said weakly. “Er...I think I might have to cut it off.”

“No,” Dawn groaned. “Oh, great. This would happen. What a splendid day this is.”

“Hold still,” Nume said a little more strongly. He took out a knife; Dawn closed her eyes.

“Try to make it even,” she said.

Nume tried.

He really did.

*

When they got back to the RC, Ilraen stared at Dawn. <> he asked.

Dawn groaned. “Long story short, he had to cut my braid off. One of the Sued trees had it. It’s not even remotely even, is it?”

Ilraen managed to make a clucking sound without a mouth, which was really quite impressive. <>

“I don’t drink the stuff,” Dawn said glumly, “but I’ll happily drink some tea. Lots of it. And then I have to somehow find a hairdresser...they exist somewhere around here, right? I haven’t had to do more than cut off split ends in years.”

<> Ilraen said comfortingly. He put a hand on Dawn’s arm. <>

A/N: So that was the first part! What do you think? I have the whole thing planned out, so I won't be taking suggestions...except maybe for another way she could have to accidentally cut her hair. I'm still deciding on one of those.

I'm really excited for the next chapter!! Aren't you? :) Thanks for reading (and don't forget to leave me some tasty reviews...)

Whoops! Here's the last scene *with* dialogue... by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:22:00 UTC Reply

When they got back to the RC, Ilraen stared at Dawn. {Whatever happened to you?} he asked.

Dawn groaned. “Long story short, he had to cut my braid off. One of the Sued trees had it. It’s not even remotely even, is it?”

Ilraen managed to make a clucking sound without a mouth, which was really quite impressive. {Dear me. No, I’m afraid it isn’t. Could I get you some coffee?}

“I don’t drink the stuff,” Dawn said glumly, “but I’ll happily drink some tea. Lots of it. And then I have to somehow find a hairdresser...they exist somewhere around here, right? I haven’t had to do more than cut off split ends in years.”

{I’m sure they do,} Ilraen said comfortingly. He put a hand on Dawn’s arm. {Come. I’ll make you some tea.}

OMG, Dawn/Ilraen OTP! by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-02 21:34:00 UTC Reply

Theyre so cute!!! <3 rite moar plz!

XOXOX

(( She... she probably said the last bit ironically. Maybe. >.>

(( I suspect it took some serious thought to get the characters almost, but not quite right, so kudos. I am very amused. Nume objecting to swearing, pffft. ^_^ ~Neshomeh ))

TY for reviewing!! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:49:00 UTC Reply

I'm glad you...liked it? I'm not so sure Ilraen'll be back, but you never know...maybe I'll eventually write a side story? I've never really considered that pairing, but Dawn *did* just break up with Agent Des in canon, so she's single and ready to mingle...we'll see!! Thanks again for reviewing!

((I'm glad you liked it! It did take some thought, though perhaps not as much as all that--it was mainly a combination of not refreshing my memory by reading something you've written and also just going 'so I need them to do *this* for the story' at certain points. And then Ilraen managed to get himself mixed together with a bit of Aziraphale in my head, so...that was a little odd. But I'm glad it worked, and I certainly hope I can keep it up with the next set of characters! Because, yes, there are more to come...quite a few more. There are five more parts to this, after all!

But yes. I'm glad you're amused :) Coming from the author of the characters I, er, borrowed, that's wonderful. I hope you'll enjoy the rest as well.

~Zing))

A Tale of Two Women, Chapter 1!! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:00:00 UTC Reply

A/N: So this is going to be amazing! I hope you enjoy it lots :) I'm not new to this beautiful fandom, but I fancy myself a little more grown up than when I first entered, and so I've changed my screen name. I'm not going to tell you who I am (at least not right away!!) though: I want to show you all how much I've grown as a person and a writer without being immediately associated with my previous works!

So, this is a love story in the end :) But don't worry! It'll also have some adventure! ;) But I love these characters and they deserve some happiness...so here goes!!

A Tale of Two Women
Chapter One!

Jacques POV

I’ve made a change in myself; hopefully for the better. You see, I’ve got really bored of all this emptiness: I need to stop flirting with everyone, stop sleeping with anyone with a post code--oh yeah, I saw that clip--and start focusing on what’s important: finding my True Love.

I mean, that’s really all anyone wants. And I’m no different. It’s even stronger for me, I thing, because I was a fictional character to start out with…

Charlotte POV:

I was sitting in my chair last night--I’m a vampire, so I don’t need to sleep--with my pet Tarantula and thinking. Ix looks so nice when she’s asleep; she always looks nice, but at night she doesn’t worry about her scars. She’s at peace--well, sometimes. Other times she tosses and turns and cries out from nightmares. It makes me want to go hunt down everyone who’s ever hurt her and become a different kind of assassin.

Tonight she looked different ,though. More at peace. She’d been to this awesome slumber party--I wish I could’ve gone with her, but I couldn’t stand to be around so many people--and she came back with a makeover. I liked the way she looked before, but this is nice too and she seems so much happier: most of her scars are gone, and her hair is long--almost as long as mine. It falls in beautiful silken waves down her back. It even has purple high lights now, which look great. But everything looks great on her.

I haven’t told her yet that we’re moving to ESAS. She deserves a good night’s sleep--for once. But in the morning I’ll have to tell her.

I wonder what she’ll think.

Jacques POV: Eventually I decided to go to bed, fending off Luxury along the way. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Preview of next chapter:

“Don’t look at me, Charlotte, I’m hideous!”

“I thought...I thought you’d love me, if you loved anyone.”

“Oh, hey. Are you guys new here? I could...show you around…”

A/N: So, what'd you think? Tell me all about it! ALSO! What should Charlotte's tarantula be named? Vote in the comments!!

ATale of Two Women Chapter Two!!! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-03 17:13:00 UTC Reply

A/n: So I did something a little different for this chapter... Don't worry! We'll get Ix POV eventually. I just want to set things up more first!

Chapter 2

Luxury’s pov

I was just back from fighting a slime monster when I next saw Jacques. He looked gorgeous as usual with his chocolate brown eyes and pale skin; and I just couldn't believe what he'd told me last night, so I took the opportunity to walk over and ask him.

“Jacques, did you mean it?” I asked him. He turned those beautiful eyes on me, but a tiny frown marred his lovely face. “You've really given up on...on everything...to find your True Love?”

“That's right, Luxury,” he replied. I shivered when he said my name, just like always. I feel so much more alive when he's around. “I'm searching for True Love. If someone like me can even find it.”

I wasn't really sure what he meant--didnt he know that just seeing him made my heart beat faster? But he didn't continue, so I tried to be as courageous as he always is, and asked, “Jacques...do you have anyone in mind?”

“No,” he said bitterly. “I'd know by now if my True Love was someone I'd already met. I'm probably destined to be alone.”

Oh.

“I,” I said. “Jacques, I...I always thought that, well, that if you loved anyone, then it'd be me! I mean, we have so much in common—”

“Not anymore, don't you see?” he interrupted. “I've given up sleeping with people I've just met—”

“I could give it up too, for you!” I cried. I meant it, with every fiber of my being. “Jacques, I...I love you.”

“And I love you,” he replied, and I stopped breathing, “but only as a friend Luxury.”

“But, but, but we've slept together…”

Jacques laughed bitterly. “So what? We've both slept with most of HQ! And you're not in love with anyone else, are you?”

I had to admit that I wasn't, but didn't that make this so much more special?

Apparently not, because he managed to end the conversation and leave a minute later, with a kiss on the cheek for me. I lay right down to cry there in the corridor when he was out of eyesight.

A/n: aw, poor Lux... unfortunately, this isn't her love story. Maybe sometime I'll write a story about that, but it's not this one!!

No preview of the next chapter this time... I'm still getting through what I previewed at the end of the last chapter! It should've said "preview of following *chapters*", probably... Heh :)

Don't forget to review! I love yo know what you think...and the more reviews I get, the faster I write!!!

Lol. by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-03 17:20:00 UTC Reply

Lets face it Luxury is a skank anyway who doesn't deserve to have true love.

I hope Jacques ends up with Chralotte though!!! I kno you made Ix pretty in this but I can't stop remembering her as ugly lol. At least you broke them up for this becuz thatd be weird.

Oooh!!!1 by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-02 21:09:00 UTC Reply

Okay so I really really like how you made Ix not ugly, like ew werewolfs are supposed too be hot so thank you for fixxing that! Also I think you should name Chralotte's spider named Ron! Write more I wanna see Jacques fall in love with one of them!

She *really* needed a makeover! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:20:00 UTC Reply

So I gave her one! And (don't tell anyone, shh!) there may be a teensy bit of Twilight inspiration in here! I'm not as big a fan of the series as I used to be, but it's still got a place in my heart...so that's what inspired Ix's new long locks :) Well, that and the fact that they'll look gorgeous on her, don't you think?

And Ron sounds like an awesome name :D I'm going to wait and see what the other suggestions are, but if no one else comes up with something, I'll be smiling every time I write the spider's name.

And don't worry! Love isn't *right* around the corner for Jacques, but it is on its way... ;) ;)

-Avlates_usted

FINAL PASSION: CHAPTER SOMETHING by deadpassion1479 on 2017-09-02 01:56:00 UTC Reply

(A/N lol i can't think of titles or an actual story plot or how to write character but THIS JUST CAME TO ME LAST NIGHT and i hope u all enjoy my two OCS DO NOT STEAL!!! )

---

“There’s no way to stop the Sues!” Kitty screamed, grabbing at Ruby’s arm. “And if we don’t, the entire multiverse will be destroyed!”

Ruby gripped both of her friend’s wrists, staring deep into her eyes with a wild-eyed horror. “It’s— it’s too late for me, darling— you must go on alone! Go without me!”

“But I can’t,” Kitty sobbed. “I can’t do this without you!”

“You must,” Ruby said urgently. “You, and you alone have the power to save the PPC, Kitty!”

Kitty wiped away tears of outrage and sadness, and nodded grimly. “You’re... right. I— I can do this!” She turned to face the crack in the fabric of Reality, and drew her longsword.

“One last thing before you go,” Ruby cried. “Kitty... I’m— I’m pregnant!”

“What?"

“Yes!” Ruby said. “And it’s not mine!”

--

(A/N READ AND REVIEW and if you steal my Agents i'll set my minis on you!! :PPPP)

Ooh! Continue continue continue this!!! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-03 19:21:00 UTC Reply

Maybe what you should do is skip backward to Kitty and Ruby introducing themselves, and have them narrate the story from the first person perspective because otherwise how are you going to get their personalities and looks into there? Then go through the mission and make them kick lots of butt! Maybe add prophecies. Prophecies are always a good plot. I love this story so far!

Also maybe, since I wrote this good review for you, could you go review my fanfic? It's called "The New Recruit", and it hasn't been getting much attention. Thank you and have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic
Wait, but what happens next? by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:28:00 UTC Reply

I love the drama, but...I need more! How'd they get to this? How will it continue? How can Ruby be carrying a baby that isn't hers?? I need answers!

lol don't know (nm) by deadpassion1479 on 2017-09-03 00:09:00 UTC Reply

CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Chapter Eins. by Ronion on 2017-09-01 21:44:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimer goes here (dat claimer goes somewhere else entirely): All characters used are property of their respective creators. I claim ownership of nothing except altogether too much free time. =]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. This isn't difficult. =]

===

It vas beink ein fine summer's day in Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben vhen Doktor Trollenfisch, VhatThe agent extraordinaire, vas interrupted in his meditations on zer proper methods of Sue annihilation by ein knock at zer door. Puzzled by just who vould be appearing at zis hour, he sploshed out of his fish tank und opened zer Responsezentrum's door vizz ein carefully-shot pointy qwill, und zen he vas extremely surprised!

"Oh, Mein Doktor, I am thankink goodness zat you are beink here!" It vas beink zer Aviator, only it vas not zer Aviator zat zer average agent-about-town vould normally be seeink goink about her business smitink Suvians vizz laser fire und beink very sad about gettink to do so for ein living for some totally-inexplicable reason, likely to do vizz zer Time Var. For starters, she vas dressed in ein skintight leatherette vun-piece lingerie set, vizz hot pants ridink high upon her delectable, golden-brown thighs und decorative lacework formink zer bulk uff zer bodypiece. However, it vas by no means zer most notable change about zer Aviator's appearance, liebe Arceus no. Zat vould be zer boobs.

Lonktime connoisseurs of zer Aviator's jiggletacular Dalek-bumps vould be knowink zat zey vere beink ein dead heat in ein zeppelin race to begin vith, but now zer Aviator's bouncy funbumpers vere truly vomanly, vhich is to say, possessed of ein cleavage in vhich vun might conceivably lose ein medium-sized horse. Doktor Trollenfisch's eyes vere beink drawn irresistibly to zose perfectly gargantuan mounds of feminine perfection, und his eyes vere bulgink in in ein totally comedic manner! Und so vas somezink else.

"Ach, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen, vhat can I be doink for you?"

"Oh, Doktor, it ist beink zo terrible! Ever since I haff had mein leetle Elanor, I haff been zo svollen in zer chesticular region zat it has been beink impedink mein abilities in zer field, as vell as mein ability to see mein feet und fit through doors. In addition, zer mere presence of airflow flowink over zem ist beink makink me uncontrollably desirous of doink zer horizontal porkaroonie vizz every red-blooded beink of non-specific but generally male-coded gender in zer entirety of Headqwarters! Please say you are beink in zer possession of ein solution to mein two big, jiggly problems! You must! If you do not, I am not knowink vhat I am to be doink!"

Ein big und cheesy grin spread across Doktor Trollenfisch's face, und considering zat zer good Doktor ist beink 90% face by area, it vas havink qwite zer effect. "Meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen, I am havink zer perfect solution. Be varned: it vill be takink ein qwite unbelievable amount of time, und vill reqwire you to be obeyink mein every instruction."

"Of course, Doktor!"

"No matter how strange it might at first be seeink."

"Of course, Doktor!"

"Or how much banoffee Angel Delight it might involve."

"Of course, Doktor!"

"Echt klasse!"

Doktor Trollenfisch und zer Aviator hopped into zer big inflatable paddlink pool full of orange-flavoured jelly zat zer Doktor vas in zer habit of usink as ein bed, und zen zer fun began. Zey did everythink togezzer: zer Bouncyfunnen, zer Canoodlespoonen, zer Fricklefracklepicklehiden, und even zer Boingokaspoingokadiddlymachen, vhich ist takink four hours to be completink in full, necessitates zer presence uff ein cardboard cutout uff Benny Hill, und ist beink illegal in many countries but not, thankfully for zer common-or-garden libertine, all of zem (zough it must be beink said zat ve are beginnink to hear vorrying rumblings on zer subject from zer Albanian Ministry of Veird Bedroom Activities). By zer time zat zer pair vere takink zheir fifth "Remembering How To Legs Und Vords" break, zer Aviator found herself sayink somezink she had not been havink said in several centuries.

"Doktor... I think I am fallink in love vizz you."

Zere vas only vun think zat ein good und noble Trollenfisch could be sayink to zat.

"Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE!

I dont get it. by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-14 21:19:00 UTC Reply

Soa friend of mine said I should read this, so I adid, bt IDK who these ppl r or what's goingon onr anything. I think mabe u should use spellcheck? Or like Google tanslate or sumthing?

But its nice that they call in love at the end Iguess?

XOXOX

(( Yeah, no, she's lost. You have to have a solid grasp on actual written English before you can comprehend deeply accented written English. Plus her sexual IQ is approximately 2. She probably has an inkling that there's sex going on, and that's fine with her. She Just Doesn't Get It^TM. Abstinence-only education, no doubt. ~Neshomeh ))

... Wait until you're older, darling. by Ronion on 2017-09-15 12:17:00 UTC Reply

((Ah. That makes sense, and I'm sorry for bugging you about it. Also, abstinence-only education is... while not quite a trigger for me, not exactly, it certainly makes the red mist descend. I'm going to have a doughnut and calm down.))

(( Ah, sorry. )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-16 04:09:00 UTC Reply

I couldn't think of anything entertaining, so I posted something stupid instead and made up snarky excuses. Maybe I should've just said I couldn't think of anything entertaining.

~Neshomeh

Ronion, you're a mad genius! by lightfairy406 on 2017-09-06 18:54:00 UTC Reply

Normally I don't like stuff written entirely in a phonetic accent, bestiality, or bestiality written in a phonetic accent, but I was laughing the whole way through this chapter! Especially at Doc's description of the *deep breath* Boingokaspoingokadiddlymachen (ugh my brain @_@); Noodle Implements are always good for a laugh.

Tell me your comedy-writing secrets! No one cared about my entry last year even though I tried to make it decidedly not-serious!
CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Zwei by Ronion on 2017-09-02 02:34:00 UTC Reply

Thanks to all the people kind enough to leave reviews! I always appreciate them, and they encourage me to write more, whether the reviewers in question want me to or not. =]

Please insert the usual "I do not own any of this except the ideas" disclaimer here. Please don't insert anything else. I'm not that kind of author.

Well, not without a few drinks in me, anyway. >=]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. I'll know if you're not, and I will zap you with my special Ronion Rays. And nobody wants that. =]

===

It vas beink ein relaxink und reinvigoratink afternoon in Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben, home to zer vell-known und vell-storied VhatThe agent Doktor Trollenfisch, as vell as currently ein vell-exhausted Aviator, who vas beink vell-looked after by zer former. Vell, he ist ein gentlefisch, after all, it ist only being vell-mannered.

"Doktor," began zer Aviator, "I am havink ein reqwest to be makink of you."

"If it ist to be tryink zer last think again, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen, zen I vill be needink to get zer bicycle pump back from inside-"

"No, not zat. I vas vonderink... I vas vonderink if you vould be beink so kind as to be takink me on as ein partner. Ein love partner."

"Vhy, of course I vould! Nothink could be givink me greater pleasure, except maybe zer think you can do vizz zer tongue stud und zer singing of Die Wacht Am Rhein."

Zer Aviator's eyes vere lightink up like ein Christmas tree, only vun of zer modern vuns vizz zer electric lightink und vizzout zer lots und lots of candles in close proximity to sap-rich kindlink branches. "Oh, mein Doktor! Ve shall be together forever!" She jiggled vizz joy, ein sight to behold for several hours thanks to zer video-loopink functionality of most video editink softvare packages. "I must be tellink mein friends zer good news! If you are not mindink, I vill do so now!"

"Ach, please be goink right ahead, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen," zer Doktor replied.

Zer Aviator vas not needink tellink tvice, und she dashed out of zer Responsezentrum doors (slightly unsteadily, it must be beink said) und out of sight. Doktor Trollenfisch, who vas beink understandably tired from his many und extremely varied exertions, sat down in his bed of now thoroughly churned orange-flavoured jelly und began to ponder zer mysteries of zer universe, like vhat he vould be likink for his tea.

He had successfully und vizzout remorse (or recourse to his usual method of meal selection, namely ein dartboard in zer corner of zer Responsezentrum) narrowed down zer choices to ein mere twelve flavours of Poffin vhen zer door hissed open again und revealed anuzzer voman. Ein extremely vomanly voman. Zis vas turnink into qwite zer veek.

She vas beauty, she vas grace, und zer only reason she vas not Miss United States ist because she vas unable to be relied upon to vear ein swimsuit in zer swimsuit round. It vas indeed Agent Luxury, ostensibly of zer Department of Bad Slash but mostly beink of zer Department of Makink People Feel Better About Zemselves Und Zeir Vider Place In Zer Multiverse Through Zer Medium Of Rumpenpumpenmachen. Unusually for her, she vas not beink half-naked; instead, she vas beink almost completely naked, wearink only ein almost excessively teensy-veensy pair of black PVC hot pants zat vere leavink almost nothink to zer imagination, except maybe how lonk it vould be beink before said shorts ended up on zer floor. In milliseconds.

"Meine kleine Luxurischemädchen, how may I be helpink you on zis fine afternoon-"

"Oh, Doktor, it ist terrible, truly terrible!" Luxury held zer back of her hand und arched her back as if about to swoon, vhich caused zer Doktor's attention to be drawn to zer infamous Slasher's brace of superlative chestborne space hoppers. "I vas just valkink down zer corridor lookink for new und interesting people vizz vhich to, ahem, get acqwainted, und lo and behold I should run into zer Aviator! Or should zat be Aviatrix? I have alvays been wonderink about zat."

Zer Doktor smiled slyly. "I am thinkink, meine kleine Luxurischemädchen, zat I am knowink exactly vhere zis ist goink."

"Vell, I am glad you are understandink, because it has wracked me vizz torment!" Luxury's voice had ascended to ein vail of anguish, vhich caused her chest to be makink a long series of interestink und eye-catching movements, some of vhich vent on for over ein minute. "I ran into zer Aviator, und she grinned und smiled und tottered unsteadily past me on zer vay to Rudi's, und zen I noticed zat she vas havink bigger und more fulsome jubblies zan me! Oh, voe! Voe und thrice voe!"

"Ahhh," said zer Doktor. "I vas hopink it might be somezink like zat."

"Hopink, mein Doktor?"

"As it ist zo easy ein think to be curink, meine kleine Luxurischemädchen," zer Doktor recovered. "Vhat else could I have possibly been meanink?"

"Oh, jawohl, Doktor! However may I be beink repayink you? Zis chesticle-envy ist not becomink in ein enlightened und independent voman who don't need no man but ist likink to jiggle at zem in a vay in vhich male feminists perceive as zer only vay to be sex-positive und empowered!"

"Ach, meine kleine Luxurischemädchen, zer only payment I am needink ist seeink you receive ein clean bill of psychosexual health. Fair varning, zis vill likely be zer only clean thing you are havink after zer treatment course ist complete. You are understandink zis, ja?"

"Of course, Doktor!"

"Und you are also understandink zat in order for zis treatment to vork, you vill have to be followink mein every instruction vizzout qwestion or hesitation?"

"Of course, Doktor!"

"No matter if it should involve, say, ein bowl of dried macaroni und ein tub of Elmer's Glue?"

"Of course, Doktor!"

"Echt klasse! Now let's get to vork!"

Zis vas goink to be ein extremely in-depth experience, und zer Doktor vas greatly lookink forvard to it as he led Agent Luxury over to zer paddlink pool full of orange-flavoured jelly. Zey engaged in many sqwishy rounds of zer Jigglyjamboree, in vhich both zer Doktor und zer Slasher took part vizz relish und many uzzer condiments, includink zer Patagonian Death Vinaigrette, vhich must normally be kept in ein sealed box in case it starts tryink to transform zer croutons into somezink not entirely of zis plane of existence, but in zis context merely added to zer fun und jolly japes. After zat und ein couple of "Hasn't Zer Time Just Flown, Also Vhy Am I Not Able To Be Feelink Mein Toes" breaks, it vas time for zer main event: zer Biggenslickenwobblingencuddlemachen, ein extraordinarily complex und rigorous therapeutic procedure, upon vhich (to say nothink of durink vhich) zer good Doktor vent back und forth several times. Just as zer session vas drawink to vun of its many, many, many climaxes, zer door burst open.

"Mein Doktor! Vhat are you doink vizz Agent Luxury!"

Zer Doktor vent pink - alzough in his defence, zis is beink ein very hard think for zer casual observer to, er, observe. "Ah, now, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen, vhat ve are doink is-"

"Savink me!"

"... Agent Luxury, vhy vould you be sayink zat?" Zer Aviator rocked back on her heels, deep in thought; it took some time for her gorgeously wobblesome olive airbags to stop movink. "Vhat could to be beink needink savink from?"

Luxury sighed, vhich caused her own boobular regions to shake like ein earthquake in ein Jell-O factory. "Mein self, Aviator. Mein self. Vhen ve met earlier, some..." She looked at zer clock on zer vall, vhich vas next to zer dartboard und zerefore had ein couple of darts stuck in it. "... Sixteen und ein half hours ago, I saw in you two reasons to be beink deeply jealous."

"Two reasons?"

"Ja, vun on zer left und vun on er right. Such jealousy of ein beautiful und vunderfully vomanly voman vas absolute anathem to mein values und mental vellbeing! I had to seek treatment, und zer Doktor here saved me. I never vish to feel zose things again."

Slowly, the Aviator began to be smilink as vell. "In vhich case, I am thinkink zat zere ist beink ein permanent solution to your voes. Zer Doktor vill take you on as ein patient on ein permanent basis... and as ein lover, so all three of us can vork on your issues togezzer."

"I think zat ist beink ein vonderful idea!" Luxury could not be helpink but to clap her hands, vhich caused her to fall flat on her face vizz ein damp splutch. Vunce she had picked herself up from zer mostly-jelly, she craned her neck to look at Doktor Trollenfisch. "Vhat say you, Doktor?"

Vhat else could possibly be beink said?

"Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AGAIN!

CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Drei by Ronion on 2017-09-02 17:14:00 UTC Reply

AN: Thanks again to everyone kind enough to leave reviews! I'm always in favour of concrit, and (and this is directed at MrsSupernumerary of this parish) I recognise that the format can be a little unforgiving on the eyes. Nevertheless, it's a fun writing challenge to do an entire fic in the phonetic accent of Doktor Trollenfisch, so here I am. Doing it. >=]

I don't own anything except the combination of boredom, caffeine, and a dilapidated computer that allows me to create this fine body of work.

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. If you're over the age, do read it! And get in touch if you can bulk-buy Angel Delight, I need a lot of it for a series of excellent and very pertinent reasons which this content warning is too narrow to contain.

===

It vas beink several morninks after zer mornink after all zer commotion und schvoodilypoopinK had begun, und Luxury, zer Aviator, und zer good Doktor Trollenfisch vere loungink artfully on zeir shared orange-flavoured jelly bed. It vas beink vun of zer mandatory "Please Be Rememberink How To Brain Und Movement Und Vords Und Brain" breaks, vhich vere largely necessitated by ein combination of stamina und some very interestink Poffins zat zer Doktor made ein mental note to never, ever introduce to Gabrielle. Not zat zis vas beink too big of ein problem; zer adorable leetle Flareon vas mostly livink und vorkink in zer Male Post-Natal Depression Vard of FicPsych, vhere she could be ein therapy-fluffball to any and all Draco Malfoys who vere crossink her path.

As he lay reminiscink in zer paddlink pool, Luxury und zer Aviator got quietly to zeir feet und sneaked off sneakily to zer Responsezentrum's en-suite. A few moments later, zhey came back und called for zer Doktor, vhich caused their mountainous cleavage to jiggle und bounce around like four blancmanges on ein extremely active trampoline. For vunce, zough, zat vas not beink vhat caught zer Doktor's eye, at least not for more zan ein couple of minutes. Nein, his eyes vere drawn inescapably to zeir necks.

"Are you likink zem?" Zer Aviator asked. "Beink ein Time Lord, I am not really sleepink all zat much-"

"I am not beink sure anyvun has been sleepink all zat much," Luxury interjected vizz ein lascivious expression.

"... Vell, ja, but it means I have been havink zer time to make zese! Zey are leetle tokens to be showink everyvun who ist seeink zem zat Agent Luxury und mein self are belongink primarily to you!"

Vhat zer Aviator vas referrink to vas zer collars of bright neon-pink leather zat adorned zer vomen's necks. Zey vere also spiked vizz vhat, upon beink inspected more closely by Doktor Trollenfisch, transpired to be beink his own qwills. Lastly, zey vere beink adorned vizz ein metal tag inscribed vizz ein image of zer Doktor und ein meesage sayink "if found, please return to zis Trollenfisch along vizz any uzzer small items and/or packets of orange-flavoured gelatin". Vhich vas proof of zer Aviator's skill at collar fabrication, as zer writink vas qwite small.

Zer Doktor vas beink delighted vizz zer new development! "Oh, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen! Meine kleine Luxurischemädchen! Zis ist beink ein most frabjous day! Calloo und indeed callay! Ve must be celebratink zis turn of events, my vord yes!"

"Vell," began Agent Luxury, "if ve vant to be celebratink in zer usual fashion, ve must first be retrievink all zer greasy frogs-"

"Ach, ve can celebrate like zat later vunce ve have found zer pickle jar. I am talkink about goink out to celebrate! Vhat are you sayink to Rudi's?"

"I zink ve are both sayink ein big, bouncy jawohl, mein Doktor!" Zer Aviator grabbed her new partners in ein big und sqwishy hug, zer inevitable results of vhich delayed zeir departure by roughly seven hours. After zat, und vunce zer girls had found some clozink zat remained un-gooped, zey journeyed off to Rudi's to celebrate zeir newly-minted Polyculenvanteneinencrackeren!

It vas beink ein fairly crowded evenink in Rudi's bierkeller, vizz many agents, support personnel, und miscellaneous lifeforms zat vere mostly zere for people to look at and go "Wow, zer Headqwarters of zer PPC ist beink ein big und diverse place vizz many interesting-but-still-humanoid-and-thus-boinkable aliens!" in attendance. Most everyvun had zer remains of ein cocktail or seven on zeir tables und vere in varying states of deshabillé, vhich informed zer Doktor (whom, it must be said, had razzer lost track) zat it vas indeed beink ein Vednesday. Zer Pink Trio vere lookink around for ein spare table vhen a call came up from vun of zer booths.

"Agent zer Aviator? Ist zat beink you? Come here, come here, please be comink to sit vizz us!"

Zer Aviator spun around. "Oh, mein Doktor, it ist beink mein friends Ix und Charlotte! I am thinkink ve should be sittink vizz zem und sharing our good news!"

"I am quite agreeink, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen! Onvard, to zer booth!"

Zer three squeezed zemselves into Ix und Charlotte's booth, ein protracted progress vhich (particularly in zer case of zer Aviator's sumptuous vomanly assets) necessitated zer use of butter und also sometimes ein crowbar. At last, zo, everyvun vas seated in ein vay vhich zhey found comfortable, or at least vas not beink involvink ein elbow to zer funbags.

"Oh, zat ist beink tremendous news," said Charlotte excitedly vunce zer Aviator had told zem er previous events, includink zer bits involvink zer rubber bicycle tyres und zer industrial-grade valrus costume. "I am - nein, ve are beink zo happy for you! Isn't zat right, liebling?"

"Oh, ja," said Ix, zo zere vas ein quietness to vhat she said. "Ve are both beink zo happy for you."

Doktor Trollenfisch picked up on zer tone immediately. "Meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigtmädchen, vhatever ist beink zer matter!"

"Oh, Doktor, you are seeink through mein cunning emotional disguise, und noticink zat I am not beink mein usual happy-go-lucky und bouncy self!" Ix sighed und shook her head. "It ist nothink you can be beink helpink vizz anyvay. It ist not beink ein think vizz vhich anyvun can be beink helpink."

"If zere ist somezink you are needink to be gettink off your chest," zer Doktor began, but he vas beink interrupted almost immediately by ein sob from Agent Ix!

"Oh, mein Doktor, it ist vhat ist beink on mein chest zat ist zer problem! I vas practicink mein Potterverse magics und mein vand happened to backfire vhen I vas casting ein Engorgement Charm, und zhen, vell... zis happened!"

Zer ESAS Agent threw open her robes und pulled down zer front zipper of her skintight latex bodysuit (vhich zer Doktor had hitherto been unavare came in zer colours of Gryffindor House), to reveal ein huge pair of truly vomanly enormoboobs! How zer latex had been keepink zhem sqwished inside to zer point vhere nothink had been seemink amiss, zer Doktor did not know or indeed care to speculate.

"... You know, meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, zis might just be beink mein lucky day."

"Your lucky day?"

"Zat's right, your lucky day." Zer Doktor steeled himself for zer comink hardships, or at least for zer comink hardness. "I may vell be beink in possession of ein solution to your two big, swinging, jubblytastic problems, but zer treatment ist beink extremely complex und in-depth."

"Complex und in-depth! Oh, liebe Arceus! I am feelink zat I should be havink mein partner und mein liebling Charlotte zhere to be beink mein moral support, as vell as beink any uzzer type of zupport zat may end up beink necessary!"

"Und I vould be only too happy to do so, mein liebling," Charlotte said gently. "So, vat are you doink for zis curative process?"

"Vell, first I vill reqwire assurances from zer pair of you zat you vill be followink mein instructions to zer letter."

"Of course, Doktor," zhey chorused.

"No matter how unusual it may at first be seemink."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Or how it might involve simultaneously too much neoprene garmentry und yet somehow not qwite enough."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Echt klasse! Meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, meine kleine Funkelndeblutsaugermädchen, please be finishink your drinks und be accompanyink me to mein Responsezentrum post-haste! Zer sooner ve begin, zer sooner zer treatment plan vill be effective!"

Doktor Trollenfisch und zer four agents bounced out of zer booth und back to Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben, und zen zer Doktor's plan to treat Agent Ix's condition began in earnest. Zer four agents vorked in harmony to salve Ix's voes und make her be feelink deeply und personally satisfied. Zey began vizz zer Flickenbeanen, und followed zat up vizz zer Stonkingbiggenrackenjigglen, und zer final course - und medically speakink, zere could be beink no alternative - vas zer Rubberupundthoroughboinken, in vhich zer superhuman speed und strength of Agent Charlotte proved to be most useful, zough she did have to be reassured zat zer treatment vas necessary und technically legal as, courtesy of ein complex netvork of international treaties, Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben operated under zer auspices of zer Burkina Faso Subdepartment of Horizontal Greased-Veasel Tangos, und zerefore anyzink zat vas goink on in zer pool of (now refreshed) orange-flavoured jelly vas beink entirely above-board.

Eventually, all five agents made zeir vay back to Rudis, vere zer Hawaiian-themed decor und signs proclaiming it to be Andalite Karaoke Night told zer Aviator zat it vas beink ein Friday, und zerefore she owed Luxury ein tventy. (Tventy vhat, alas, ist beink unknown) Zey settled down in zer same booth as before, zough now Ix und Charlotte vere beink much closer to zeir newfound playmates.

"I... I vas havink not zer slightest notion zat I vas in such dire need of your help, mein Doktor," said Ix, whose speech vas beink most languid und relaxed now. "I cannot be thankink you enough."

"Nor can I," piped up Charlotte, "zo I am thinkink Agent Luxury ist havink zer many suggestions vhich involve zer chocolate trifle und zer beanbag chairs."

"Ach, meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, it vas beink zer very least I could be doink! Indeed, I should be beink thankful to you und to your partner for decidink to stay vizz us on ein permanent basis!"

At zis, Ix just blushed ein leetle bit und ran her finger over zer spiky pink surface of her new collar. "Vell, I never vant to feel zer vay I used to again. Und now I never vill."

Zer now-expanded Interlockenpolyculen chatted for ein bit, savourink zer atmosphere of closeness und zer feelink of extraordinarily tight latex in various different colours on zeir respective skins. Zat mood, zough, vas shattered vhen a small cough came from zer head of zer table.

"Vhat," said zer FicPsych representative, "ist goink on here?"

"Oh, Nurse Jenni!" Ix vas suddenly lookink hunted. "I vas not expectink to be seeink you here!"

"I am avare. I, however, vas expectink to be seeink you. Yesterday. Vhere vere you, mein leetle scamp?"

"I vas vith zer Doktor!"

"Hm. Und how do you feel about zer Doktor?"

Zere vas only going to be vun possible response to zat.

"Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AGAIN AGAIN!

CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Vier by Ronion on 2017-09-04 11:20:00 UTC Reply

AN: Thanks once more to everyone kind enough to leave reviews! I know, I know, I left the last chapter on a little bit of a "cliffie", as the kids say, but I assure you: all will be revealed. >=]

I should also like to give a truly enormous thank you to Avlates_usted, whose kind description of my work as "really... strange" and "funny, I guess" touched the very core of my black and wizened heart. =]

I own nothing. Property is a myth constructed by late-stage capitalism in order to cement the power of the overclasses over the working lifeform. Also something something these characters ain't mine. =]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. Don't look at it. Just turn around - SLOWLY - and walk away. Don't let it know you saw it. Don't let it know who to come for. Just walk away slowly until you can't hear the little buzzing noises, then run.

===

"So, you are feelink zat zer Doktor ist beink 'echt klasse', in your own vords, ja?"

Zer Trollenfischenharem vas hangink on to zer every vord of zer speaker, Nurse Jenni Robinson, as she vas interviewink Agent Ix in zeir booth at Rudi's bierkeller. It vas also beink noticeable zat zey vere eyeink up zer nurse's bountiful und most vomanly bounceroos, vhich vere currently beink imprisoned (in zer Trollenfischenfivesome's collective opinion) by ein varm-lookink cable-knit sveater in ein subdued shade of dark blue.

"Ja, Nurse Robinson," replied Agent Ix. "Zer Doktor has done somezink for me zat not even mein vonderful liebling Charlotte could be doink!"

"Und vat vas zat?" Jenni clicked her pen und leaned forvard, zer vobbling motion caused by vhich made zer cable-knit pattern of her sveater briefly resemble ein vell-plucked bass guitar string.

"Me."

"Ah. I am seeink." Jenni pulled back, her bounteous melon harvest jiggling up und down like beach balls on pogo sticks. "Agent, I vill have to be talkink vizz you und your newfound friends in a more... private environment. All of zem must be beink in attendance, in particular zis Doktor Trollenfisch of whom you are speakink zo highly. Ve are havink ... much to discuss."

"Vell, zere ist alvays beink Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben, zat is havink more zan enough space for everyvun," said zer Doktor cheerily.

"... How?"

"I have not been beink qwestionink it for all zer time I have been beink ein agent of VhatThe, Nurse Robinson, und I am not intendink to start now."

"Zat ist beink fair enough. Come. Ve vill meet zere post-haste."

All six people duly left zer bierkeller, vizz Doktor Trollenfisch und Nurse Robinson leadink zer vay und zer uzzer four Agents following dutifully und jigglefully behind zhem. It gave zer Doktor time to really begin noticink how zer Nurse vas holdink herself, vizz zer stiff posture und severe expression of ein matron, razzer zan zer more... approachable mode of dress und body language he had been comink to be expectink of zer humanoid-und-top-heavy females in his (admittedly limited) acqwaintance. However, somezink vas catchink his gaze out of zer corner of his eye - a brief vhite shimmer under Nurse Robinson's thick und boob-smotherink sveater. Vhat it vas beink, he did not know, but zer ponderations served as ein expert distraction for zer navigation of Headqwarters' many und varied corridors.

Eventually, zey filed into Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben, und Jenni took ein seat on zer big svivel chair vhile her subject und zer Interlockenpolyculen took zeir usual seats in zer paddlink pool full of orange-flavoured jelly. Zer general bouncink around zat zis caused did not distract Nurse Robinson from preparink for zer interview, alzough zer Doktor noticed ein thin sheen of sveat appear on her forehead from zer obvious effort zat such ein think reqwired.

"Now zen, Doktor. I am havink somezink very important to be askink you."

"Zer stains on zer valls vere here vhen I moved in und are havink nothink to do vizz zer large sign over zhere sayink 'Vet T-Shirt Contest Round Siebzehn: Hypoallergenic Strawberry Custard'."

"... Not qwite vhat I vas havink in mind, but zat is most reassurink nonezerless. Vhat I am havink to ask you is beink of ein personal und... sensitive nature."

"Sensitive?"

"My vord yes."

Zer Doktor vas now tryink his best not to smirk. "Indeed. You are beink among friends here, meine kleine Sveaterheifernursenmädchen. You can be tellink me, tellink us vhatsoever ist beink on your mind!"

"Oh, mein Doktor, it ist beink such ein relief to be free of zer burden of secrecy und isolation!" Nurse Jenni, her severity now beink entirely forgotten, threw off her cable-knit sveater und revealed underneath it ein shining vhite latex nurse outfit, complete vizz zer kind of cleavage in vhich people could be goink for mountaineerink holidays. "Mein most splendiferous hooters have been beink zo unbelievably sensitive! Zey are cravink zer sveet und sqweaky touch of latex, mein Doktor, for it ist beink zer only think zat ist leavink me vizz even zer remotest sense of self-control! Oh, mein Doktor, vhat are ve to do?"

"I can be thinkink of ein few thinks," zer Doktor replied, already flopping over to zer cupboard full of paraphernalia (zer contents of vhich included, but vere by no means limited to, vhips, chains, posture bars, posing bars, gay bars, space bars, chin-up bars, Temple Bars, und vun marmoset who vas lookink like he had recently been seeink some Scheiße) "but zey vill be beink reqwirink certain assurances from you, ja?"

"I am understandink, Doktor."

"You vill need to be obeyink mein every instruction."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Regardless of vhether or not you personally consider it legitimate medical procedure."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Or vhether or not it ist involvink zer unconventional usage of ein contrabassoon full of cheese."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Echt klasse! Meine kleine... vait, zat ist no longer beink accurate... meine kleine Milchsaftenkrankenschwestermädchen, ve must begin immediately!"

Zer treatment plan, already much proven over zer course of hundreds of combined hours (und combined limbs) of practice, began vunce more! Zey did zer Dipsydoodlen, but only for ein varm-up; after zat, it vas time for zer Schlickenbangenkettlemenden, vhich (considerink all zer PVC und sunflower oil involved) made ein noise like zer organ of Chartres Cathedral playink Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor if all zer pipes vere beink made of several hundred increasinkly agitated gerbils. Finally, zo, it vas time to complete zer course of action vizz diligence und proper respect for zer medical process, vhich could only mean vun course of action vas possible: zer Jiffenstiffenrumpenpumpenhumpenbunken, vhich vas considerably more difficult zan ist normally beink zer case, as zere vere only beink half ein dozen of zem und not vun of zem vas beink ein CORGI-registered gasfitter, vhich vas frankly just inconsiderate.

Such treatments are by necessity big consumers of both time, energy, und chocolate sauce, so vhen Doktor Trollenfisch glanced up at zer clock und noticed it vas qwarter past cluster of misaimed darts on ein Tuesday, he thought it vas beink time for ein "Makink Sure Zat Nobody Ist Sufferink From Heat Exhaustion Or Possibly Vitamin D Deficiency" break. Durink zis period, zer Aviator appeared vizz anuzzer pink und spiky collar, vhich she wrapped around Nurse Jenni's neck vizz zer same grace zat Nurse Jenni had vhen being wrapped around zer vide assortment of implements in zer Responsezentrum.

"Oh, meine kleine Milchsaftenkrankenschvestermädchen, it ist lookink most beautiful on you!"

"vurbl," vurbled zer utterly shagged-out Nurse.

How could vun possibly respond to zer vord vurbl?

"Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!

CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN Ch. Funf by Ronion on 2017-09-12 12:07:00 UTC Reply

AN: Thanks to every single one of my reviewers! It's always nice to see what people think, and indeed that they think, which (as demonstrated by JayBird, brandywine_baby, and so forth) I think we all agree is such a rare joy. I should like to give particular thanks to Lemony Eggnog, who gave me cause to think about this chapter in more detail. Blame them, therefore, for its lateness, or thank them, depending on your outlook. =]

The usual disclaimer applies. I own none of the characters, only the instinct to have them start sweatily boinking in a tub full of orange jelly, which I'm reliably informed is perfectly normal and natural and won't send me to Hell. =]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. If you're under the sea, please do, but please also try not to electrocute yourself, it rarely ends well for anyone involved. =]

===

It vas beink several veeks after zer Trollenfischenpolyculen had formed, und zey had not been idle, mein goodness no. Zere had been many discussions on zer nature of beink, zer pressink cosmological und psychological issues of zer day, und how best to be gettink orange-flavoured jelly out of zeir hair und clothink. Zere had even been ein mission, vhich ve vill not be goink into today, but suffice it to be sayink zat zer upshot vas zer Suvian in qwestion had been usink sexual energies as ein power source for his attacks, und zerefore zer Doktor und his harem had spread him thinly over ein vide area.

Zey decided vun fine mornink to be goink to Rudi's bierkeller vunce again, for it vas beink zer easiest vay to seat everyvun around ein table vizzout everyvun endink up under, on top of, or wrapped around it. Also zer Doktor had been beink in contact vizz BM und ein booth capable of containing zer horde of bouncing jiggleblimps had been constructed, apparently vizz zer aid of ein chainsaw, vhich vas ein boon to all concerned. Zer group toddled amiably (und, it must be beink said, not alvays in ein straight line) until zey vere arrivink at zer bierkeller, but vere beink most shocked to find zat zeir newly-minted booth vas beink occupied!

Zer Doktor took zer lead, floppink gently over to zer seated figure, hunched over ein glass of somezink zat vas smellink like ein bucket of turpentine vhich had been beink hom to ein dead goat for several veeks. "Hallo, mein freund. Are you beink alright?"

Zer figure, who vas upon closer inspection female, looked up at zer Doktor over her glass of nonspecific brain killing juice. "Nein, I am not beink alright. I am not even beink slightly right. I am havink ein... problem."

Zer Doktor looked at her thoughtfully, vhile zer Aviator fished in ein pocket for anuzzer strip of pink leatherette und some pointy qwills. "Ja, zhere's ein lot of zat goink around at zer moment."

"I am seeink zat, but it ist not ein problem of jubbular fulsomeness, even zo I am possessed of ein pair of bristols zat are makink Pamela Anderson be lookink like ein ironink board vizz ein couple of peas glued to it. Nein, mein freund, mein problem ist vizz vhat ist underneath mein boobies."

"... If zer redness und veepink persists past three days, I must be urgink you to consult zer Medical Department vizz immediate effect-"

"Mein heart, mein small, pink freund."

"Ah. I am seeink."

Zer Aviator stuffed zer pink leatherette strip back in zer pocket with ein barely audible harrumph.

"Ja... I am believink zat you genuinely are seeink. But zhen, you must be beink zer notorious Doktor Trollenfisch, righter of wrongs, slayer of Legendaries, und creator of harems zat cater to ein peculiarly specific fetish. It ist beink easy for people to open up to you."

"Zat ist definitely zer case," replied zer Doktor as he reminisced about exactly zat. "Perhaps I can be beink of assistance in zis matter?"

"Perhaps you might."

"Vell, first I vill be needink to be knowink your name, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen. I am thinkink zat zis ist beink integral to proceedinks."

Zer Agent knocked back zer rest of her drink, vhich vas blessed relief to everyvun vizz nostrils. "Dawn McKenna."

"Ein pleasure, Agent McKenna! Zo, ve must be seeink vhat zer problem ist beink! Ist it beink ein affair of zer love vhich ist beink unreqwited, or unsuitable, or simply strange und latexy?"

"Ist latexy even beink ein vord?"

"Look at zer rest of zer script, are you thinkink zat vhether or not somethink ist beink ein vord really matters to zis author?"

"Point. Vell zhen, I suppose I must be tellink you. I... am beink in love. Vizz ein Pokémon."

"Ach, ja, I am certainly havink some experience vizz zat."

"You know, I vas somehow able to be guessink zat." Zat vas zer first time in zer whole conversation zat zer Doktor had seen Dawn smile. "But ja, it ist not beink you, mein Doktor. It ist beink old partner of mine. He ist beink zo soft, und zo fluffy, und I am just vantink to snuggle him for days at ein time!"

"Vait," interjected zer Aviator, "you aren't meanink Zeb, are you?"

Dawn just vent bright red, vhich vas normally vhat happened vhen zer Aviator talked to people, as vell as traffic accidents und nosebleeds.

"Meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, I must be beink honest vizz you: I am not seeink zer problem here. If you are beink in love, vell, you must be tellink him. Fortune favours zer bold, mein Freund, as long as zey are beink ein physical tank vizz ein decent Special Attack stat."

"Ach, Doktor, it ist not beink zo simple," said zer Aviator, her pleather corsetry glintink in zer light of zer bierkeller. "Zeb ist not beink into vomen of any species, let alone humans."

"Ahh, I am seeink now. Truly, zis ist ein Biggenstickyvicketen."

"Isn't zat zer veird bedroom activity zat vas recently banned in Albania by zer relevant ministry?" Dawn asked.

"I am not beink able to comment on court cases zat are currently ongoink," zer Doktor replied shiftily. "Regardless, I am thinkink zat you must be tellink your crush how you are feelink. Even in zer event of rejection, it vill be beink ein veight off your mind. Love ist not alvays sexual - stop sniggerink at zer back, meine kleine Funkelndeblutsaugermädchen, I can still be hearink you - und zer love of ein close und dear friend can be beink just as satisfyink as zer love zat ist involvink zer sqweaky inflatable mallet und zer host of honkink great bazoongas bouncink around like zer Kentucky Derby if it vas space hoppers instead of horses. Love ist love, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, und love ist beink zer highest good."

"Zat ist certainly beink ein lot to think about," said Dawn after ein vhile und ein other drink zat smelled of zer death of livers. "Aviator, vould you be zo kind as to arrange ein meetink vizz Zeb? I am thinkink zat zer two of us are soon to be havink ein lot to discuss."

Zer Doktor grinned hugely as zer Aviator fetched ein phone. "I am only havink vun think to be sayink to zat, meine kleine Lessensaddendrunkenmädchen."

"Vhat ist zat beink, mein Doktor?"

Zer Doktor's enormogrin spread even further across his face-analogue. "Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AT SOME POINT IN ZER FUTURE!
Contrabassoon full of cheese?! I'M A BASSOONIST! by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-04 19:35:00 UTC Reply

You're abusing the instrument! I am really offended! }:@

Lol, just kidding, I'm not offended. It's all fine. It's all fine. *breathing slows back down to a normal pace* This fic... is really funny...

And man am I glad that my *ahem* female torso mass is of quite a small size.

-Twistey

---

(Note from the Shmexier Version of the Author:

You play a what?

-NTtDFA)

Shut up.

To quote Citation Needed's Gary Brennan: by Scapegrace on 2017-09-04 19:53:00 UTC Reply

"I don't know whether the rash is from the cello or if it's simply because he's such a fantastic deviant. You should see what he does with his contrabassoon. Quite, quite dreadful. And very bad for the wood."

Okay, now I have to ask... by Thoth on 2017-09-05 01:24:00 UTC Reply

Okay, so you reference Zero Punctuation, and then you reference Citation Needed, both shows nobody else on the board or the Discord seems to know anything about except me. You're frequently rather blunt, and often kind of a jerk. You collected Tomb Kings and Legion of the Damned at least, both armies I've expressed interest in, and both of which bear some resemblance various respects to my army of choice, Thousand Sons.

...Are you my strange female (are you female? you looked female in the gathering picture, so I'm going by that...) clone/AU double/whatever who is British or something?

I mean, I don't think you are (no clone of mine would be this good at writing), but that is genuinely weird.

Oh, I don't just reference CN. by Scapegrace on 2017-09-05 08:40:00 UTC Reply

I've recorded a pilot episode of it, in which I hosted three Boarders. Moreover, I intend to do it again when I have the time and Tomash can record. =]

Also, you've made a slight misconstruation here; I used to play Lost and the Damned, not the Legion of the Damned. I've never been particularly interested in beakees, even those of the Cursed Founding, because I liked to win through tactics and PBI and not just because my army was full of power-armoured supermen. =]

But yeah. My secret's out. I'm a clone. Curse you for betraying my greatest and most secret shame. =]

My bad by Thoth on 2017-09-05 11:50:00 UTC Reply

Yeah, for some reason I got LotD and LatD confused. Ow. Okay, so that part doesn't stand.

However, I clearly can't be your clone, and you obviously aren't my clone. So we need to find the entity we were both cloned from. And... probably kill it or something. I dunno.

...Coming to a TV near you, 9/8 Central!

Hooray, the topic drifted away from weird bits of my post! (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-06 00:10:00 UTC Reply

Comedy gold! by Lemony Eggnog on 2017-09-04 16:16:00 UTC Reply

This series is a national treasure, or it would be if ffW were a nation. Are we technically part of Liechtenstein now? I'm unclear.

I must be losing my mind, because at this point I can actually read it without having to cross my eyes and stand on my head first. If I start typing in Comedy German, too, send help.

Do you think it might be time to change up the routine a bit, though? Sure, the good Doktor COULD go around curing the entire female population of HQ of their inflated funbag-related woes, and that would be epic, but supposing someone came along who could show HIM a thing or two? Normally I'd suggest the good Nurse Jenni for this role, but seeing as she's already jumped in the pool, I dunno. You'll have to get creative. I'm sure that won't be a problem for you. :3

--Lemony

...well, that was... by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:34:00 UTC Reply

...I don't think I really got most of that--what's the accent you've written it in? It looks like a different language! But what I managed to read looks really...strange. As in, no one seems to be in character except for Gabrielle, who I know likes Draco...

A bit of it was funny, I guess...? I like Nurse Jenni! You should definitely put Jacques in a future chapter, though. He makes everything better.

(( Oh my god. {X D )) by Neshomeh on 2017-09-02 03:11:00 UTC Reply

I demand that this be read aloud and recorded for posterity. Yes, demand. All of it. All present and future installments, in full. Some art is meant to be performed, and this qualifies. And if it causes anyone physical injury from literally busting a gut, well, that is the price we pay for epic comedy. {= D

~Neshomeh

Your Fisch is my command. =] by Scapegrace on 2017-09-02 03:46:00 UTC Reply

Also, if you don't mind my asking: may I request your permission to use Jenni in a future chapter of CHRONICLES OF ZER BIGGENBRASSENPORKENTHINGEN? If nothing else, it's only polite to ask. =]

Yay! by Neshomeh on 2017-09-02 05:30:00 UTC Reply

And yes, you may. This should be interesting. ^_^

~Neshomeh

Ooh! by Thoth on 2017-09-02 16:50:00 UTC Reply

Yeah, once I managed to decipher the German, this fic was fantastic.

Dangit Scrape! Why do you have to write stuff like this to outshine all the talentless hacks like myself? ;-)

PFFFFFFFFFFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA by twistedwindowpane on 2017-09-01 23:15:00 UTC Reply

Excuse me for doing caps lock, but ZHE GERMAN ACCENTS ZHOUGH!

-Tvistey
Uhhhh okay by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 21:50:00 UTC Reply

I mean I guess its okay but you write really weird so it took me way way to long to understand it??!

Anyway I think you should write Jenny or Dawn next!

((Oh gods help me I can't breathe for laughing))

A dangerous mission! by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-01 20:30:00 UTC Reply

[AN: this is my first fic! isn't it awesome! it's awesom!! I know! Give me good reviews please!]
Captain Deadly had been a Space Marine for 15 years with the spacwolves. He worked for the ppc since recently. He was busy romancing a female coworker (he often dated many people) when The Boss walked in. "Captain Deadly! he said, we have a dangerous mission for you." The Captain Looked Up At The Bosses Face. The booss was very tall, and the Captain was normal hieght. "yeah. Whatever. Give me the notes." The boss handed him the notes, and he looked at them. "This is dangerous." "I know. thats why we gave it too you." "okay." Captain Deadly went out into the cetral access room to access the room where the portals were kept, so he could go into the dangerous mission. He went in, and he saw a sue. He waited until the sue was married. then it was a marry sue. so he killed the marry sue, and went home.

Hah! Married Sue! Good pun! by NightmareTwisteyTheDemonFoxAnimatronic on 2017-09-03 17:40:00 UTC Reply

Maybe you could stretch out the fic a little to make it longer and more detailed and more exciting? Like what does Captain Deadly look like? He's probably pretty hunky, so don't let words be spared when they could be used to describe his fabulous bulging muscles. Either way, this fic's plot is nice, and it fits right in with PPC canon! (Although sometimes it's also nice not to be canonical, but your fic is one of those situations where it's better to be canonical.)

Anyway, Thoth dearie, could you leave a good review on my fanfiction? It's called "The New Recruit", and I worked so hard on what there is so far - there's a lot more to come! It hasn't been getting much attention, though - the only comment I've gotten on it so far was a troll. :( Since I left this good review, could you leave a good review? Thanks and have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey The Demon Fox Animatronic

(Note from the Non-Suethor version of this author:

My apologies for calling you "dearie".

-Twistey)
Another Mission: Dangerous Mission 2! by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-01 23:43:00 UTC Reply

[AN: Thanks for the reviews guys!!! Except for the trolls, the trolls can go and [REDACTED BY FFW STAFF]!]
Captain Deadly got back to his cubicle. on his wall was his army uniform he used when he served with the Spacwolfs. On his other wall was a picture of his daughter which he had after he entered the army. Then an alarm on his computer rang. it was from the boss. he picked up the piece of paper and went out to the portals, heading for middleeath. When he got to middlearth, he disguised himself as one of the dwarfs. He was naturally short, so this was easy for him. Deadly continued to look around until he saw the Sue. He realized she was going to join the fellowship. So he convinced legolas to let him join the fellowship too. "hello legolas," he said. "I'm Deadly. Let me join the fellowship." "Sure thing said legolas." He travelled with the fellowship for several years as they moved towards mordor. The Sue, "Mary Smith," tried to kill gandalf at the Mines, so Deadly Saved Him. Finally, just after the sue almost killed Boromir inside Barred Door - requiring Deadly to save him - Deadly finally had enough charges so he stood up and said "I am going to kill you because you are a marry sue and I am ppc agent." "Oh no" said the sue. And then Deadly killeded her with a Plasma Ruffle from Dune. Arwen wanted to marry him in thanks, but he turned her down because he wanted to get back to work. So he portalled out.
kk but t hat was a bit essay? by JayBird on 2017-09-01 20:46:00 UTC Reply

i mean ddin't the merry sue try to fite? ist not that essay to kill a sue unless your'e like Jaycacia or som1, and evene she wuoldnt' kill her TAHT essaly. neway good sotry/

~JayBird~
...er... by twilitRose048 on 2017-09-01 20:42:00 UTC Reply

You don't really seem to understand what 'dangerous' constitutes. 'Dangerous' implies long, complicated words being used to describe the danger and action! The emphasis, naturally, is on the long and complicated words. Those are very important to any fiction, and sorely lacking here, I would say.

The Romance of Crim'ka and Cynthia: Chapter One by twilitRose048 on 2017-09-01 19:12:00 UTC Reply

(A/N: Personally, I would say that the entire reason anyone would read stories regarding Crim'ka and Cynthia was so that they might read a romance between the two, a romance which one can clearly see if they read anything in which the two are involved. Thus, I have decided to take matters into my own hands.)
Cynthia’s left, chocolate-brown orb was temporarily obscured as she winked at Crim’ka, her partner—indeed, supposing that Cynthia was successful, the practitioner of magic most dark and foul would soon enough be her partner in multiple manners.
“Why might you be winking at me so, my dearest friend Cynthia?” Crim’ka inquired, elevating a single brow in a manner most inquisitive.
“You see, Crim’ka, I was musing over something which I have been pondering for, frankly, far too long,” Cynthia responded, the manner in which she spoke seeming to be designed to lead to a question from her partner that he might understand what she meant in greater clarity.
“And what, Cynthia, might that be?” Crim’ka questioned inquisitively.
“Well,” Cynthia replied, twirling a bit of the ebony hair whose beauty was surpassed only by the assassin herself around her finger, “I was thinking of how close we are, how long we have been partnered together, how much we enjoy one another’s company, and I thought that perhaps… we could be soul mates; that is to say, that perhaps we are meant to be.” She paused to wait for a response, expression hopeful.
Crim’ka’s visage transformed in that moment from the color of fresh snow to the color of the roses that spring up after that snow has been melted by the sun which burns in an intensity not unlike the passion the agents felt for one another at the time of which I write. He threw his arms around Cynthia in an embrace which was, as both agents knew in their innermost hearts, long overdue.
“Oh, Cynthia!” the dark mage cried happily. “I was worried that you might never ask!”
Cynthia breathed a sigh of relief before partially separating herself from her partner that she might kiss him.
“I must say,” Cynthia said between kisses, “I did not expect, joining this organization, that I would find love with a character in a fanfiction of one of my favorite games.”
Crim’ka merely smiled and said, “Ah, Cynthia, truly, the most benevolent aspects of our reality arise in the strangest of circumstances.”
A bit more accurately, he started to say this; you see, dear reader, Crim’ka was interrupted partway through the last word in his sentence by his darling Cynthia kissing him once more, resulting in a muffling of his speech. Crim’ka, however, was not particularly offended regarding this particular fact. He was much too busy with the nigh-intoxicating pleasure and catharsis of finally kissing his beloved.
(A/N: Thoughts on the narrative I have authored? I was pondering if perchance the language is not sufficiently-sophisticated...)

Um, kk, so by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-02 21:22:00 UTC Reply

this is really good, I think! So Crimka and Cynthia are in love I guess? And they like kissing eachother and stuff like that? But uh, there's lots o wrds, which is good I guess, bot maybe you could punt in more ACTOON, like with stuff happening! Ooog, they could go on a mission 2gether, and it could b dangerous, and what if 1 of them got huirt and had 2 b saved by the other1! That would b kewl.

XOXOX

(( I mistyped Cynthia with a U instead of a Y [the two are adjacent!], and I would have let it stand for badficcer authenticity, but the Board flags that sort of thing. You'll have to imagine the typo yourselves. ^_^; ~Neshomeh ))
i lickey! by JayBird on 2017-09-01 20:49:00 UTC Reply

ist allways nice too see too girls fall in LOVE. i hop your'e gonig to wright lost more abut Cynka and Crimthia tehy are ABORABLE..

~JayBird~

Er, thank you, but... by twilitRose048 on 2017-09-01 21:18:00 UTC Reply

'too [sic] girls?' Crim'ka is male (how did you even mistake Crim'ka for a girl? I used masculine pronouns for him exclusively throughout the fic). But, yes, I do my best to make sure the two of them are as adorable as possible, and I appreciate your recognition of this; furthermore, I do indeed plan on writing more of them. As a matter of fact, I think I shall do just that! (It does, however, take some time to find sufficiently-long words and metaphors which accurately convey that which it intended. An unfortunate reality, but reality nonetheless.)

Too confusing. by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 19:38:00 UTC Reply

You use sooo many bug words n stuff! Can't u write like a normal person?!

Perhaps it is confusing to *you.* by twilightRose048 on 2017-09-01 19:47:00 UTC Reply

No, I shall not reduce myself to such lowly standards of penmanship as a 'normal person.' I find that my writing skills demand better than that, thank you very much.

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 1) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 13:36:00 UTC Reply

AN: Hiiii all my lovely readers! I was missing out on Numey goodness so I decided it was time for another fic! I kinda have some ideas of what I want 2 do with this but nothing solid yet so I'll be asking you for ideas! ENJOY!

My name is Jessaminthe Layla Windflower Evenstar. I'm Arwen's sister and Elron'ds daughter and the princess of Rivendell.

one day I was walking by the river singing to myself.

"How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb"

I was ready to torhw my self into the river and drown. My father Elrond wanted me to marry Aragorn! Aragon was nice I guess but Aewen loved him more so I couldnt marry him and do that to her!!!!1 So I was walking by near the river to singing to myself. I was so sad and mad I didn't know what to do.

"Without a soul My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back Home"

Suddenly...........

I was falling!!!!!!!

I WAS FALLING THROUGH A HOLE IN THE GROUND!

"AAAAAA" I screamed!

I covered my eyes as I fell!

And suddenly.....

WHUMP!!!

I was caught!!!!!!

I opened my eyes and felt my heart race! I was caught by the most handsome man I've ever seen!! He had glasses and gelled black hair, and his glasses had a red rim to them (I know they're green but red is just cooler) and he was smirking crooked at me. He looked like Andrew Garfield mixed with Chris Hemsworth and he was sooo hot. Like Edward Cullen or something. Yum.

"T-t-t-t-hank y-y-you f-f-or s-s-s-s-saving me", I stammered.

"Hey it was no problem", He said still smirking at me. "What's your name?"

"Jessaminthe Layla Windflower Evenstar", I said "But everyone calls me Jessa Or Jess".

"Jess is a beautiful name for a beautiful elf", The Man said, setting me down and kissing my hand(!) What a gengleman! :D "My name is Supernumberary and I'm an agent of the PPC"

I gasped.

AN: So what do you think? PLZ R&R! Next chappie she's going to meet someone else and then we'll start with the love triangle but we all know she'll end up with Nume in the end, lolol. Until next time! <3

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 2) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 19:27:00 UTC Reply

Thanks everyone who left the nice reciews!! No I didnt write the ssong but I don't remember who did lol. HATERS CAN GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE.

I was walking down HQ excited. The Sunflower offical given me my asignment, DMS! I was sad it wasn't with Nume but I would be okay with it because I could meet lots of people in HQ and he and I could always find eachother later.

So I was walking down HQ excited when I went around a corner and bumped into........

OMG CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!!!

"CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!!!" I screamed.

"No, I'm Jacques Bonnefoy", He said and I looked closer at him and he had long hair in a sexxy ponytail like Jacob Black but he otherwise looked just like John barrowman and I got all warm and excited seeing my favorite character.

"Oops sorry", I said blushingly. "I'm Jessaminthe Laylana Windflower Evenstar and I'm new"

"A newbie? Wow, I remember when I was new. Want me to show you around?", Jacques said so we went back to his room and had sex (omg).

After I was very happy and giggly but I felt kinda bad because Nume might be sad now. But as I went outside the room I saw.......

NUME!!!!!

He was all crying and sad because he saw me and Jacques go intogether.

"Nume I'm sorry", I said in sadly.

"I don't want to look at you!", nume shoutef an he ran off crying.

AN: So sad :( But Yay for Jacques!!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 3) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 21:32:00 UTC Reply

AN: Thanks twilitRose048 for the suggestions for making the story better!

I ran after Nume but he was gone! Sad I went to the courtyard where I sat by the river and cried and cried.

I heard footsteps and looked up it was....................

Dafidd Illidan?!

"Are you an elf?", Dafidd asked curiously.

"Yeah", I sniffled tucking my black and gold omber hair behind my ears to show him they're pointy tips. "Want to coem to my RC?", I asked with my green and blue and gold eyes sparking happyly.

"Sure", Dafidd said. He added, "I never seen another elf before now"

"I'm Arwen's sister", I confessed and Dafidd gasped. "That makes you the princess!?"

"It does", I said sadly.

"I'll come with you to you're RC", Dafidd decided.

We went back. My RC was all gold with a big round bed in the center that was still ruffled from when Jacques and me had sex (:P) Speaking of Jacques, he came out of the bathroom with rose petals in the tub drying his hair.

"Whose this?", Jacques asked me madly.

"This is Dafidd Illidan, he is a friend", I said.

"Hello", Dafidd said.

"I have to go now but I'll be back", Jacques said and kissed me. He left. I was sad but my lips were tingly so it was good.

Dafidd and I went onto the balcony overlooking the courtyard

"Do you ever miss Rivendell?", Dafidd asked.

"Yes", I said "It makes me so sad to think of my family but I have a new family here now... You."

We hugged and laughed and talked about ourselves all night.

AN: Awww, wasn't thtat sweet? Please leave nice reviews for me!!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 4) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-02 14:27:00 UTC Reply

I was walking into Rudis when I noticed Nume sitting at a corner table. I walked over. "Hi", I said.

"Hi", He said back. He looked mad and sad.

"Are you okay?", I asked.

"Yea", He said and I smiled. "Aw, it's okay, you don't have to lie to me. I'm sorry if I upsetted you when I slept with Jacques but he was so hot and I couldn't help myself"

"I'm not hot?", He said and I laughed.

"You are but I'm not and I'll never be good enough for you", I sayed sadly and began to cry long tears of sad.

"Jessa you are perfect", Nume said taking my tiny small delicate flower hand in his strong big chiseled ones

I couldn't believe it and I ran out of the room crying because he was lying to me!!!

AN: Oh wow, isn't that sad? Poor Jessa! True love is soooo hard.

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 5) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-02 20:12:00 UTC Reply

I sat in the courtyward head in my hands sobbing. It felt like my heart was going to break! Shatter into a hundred million tiny peices that peirced my soul.....

"ITS NOT FAIR!", I said sobbing. "I love him but he doesn't truly love me back!! He doesn't see me for who I really am and it's not fair!"

Dafidd held me and stroked my hair while I cried in his chest. "Shh there there, it's okay", he said quietly then gasping.

"What is it?", I said sniffling.

"You have the Windflower Birthmark!" Dafidd said gasping. He touched the birthmark on my neck and I slapped it away. It was a really ugly birthmark that looked like a lotus blossom dancing in the breeze and I hated it because it made me look so different from everyone and Arwen would tease me on it.

"I didn't say you could touch me now leave me alone!", I shout and lie down on the rock still crying now tears of sad and embarrassment too.

"But Jess", Dafidd tried to say but I screamed at him and he went away.

Little did I know that the birthmark on my neck was starting to glow or that my eyes had turned red and purple. The Windflower legacy was about to awaken!

AN: DUN DUN DUN! Don't worry dear readers, Numie and Jess will get together soon!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 6) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-02 22:08:00 UTC Reply

AN: You guys say the nicest things about my fic! No worries, we get to the romance........ NOW!

I stood up. My neck was burning and wind was blowing though the trees! I was calling a storm!!!!!

I made myself calm down but I didn't know that my Windflower Legacy was giving me the power over weather!!! Also I can now turn into a wolf.

When a Windflower reaches Sixteen she has to find her true love or die if she doesn't find him soon enough.

So when the storm stopped I went back into HQ. And then I went back to Rudis. Something was calling me there.

I saw Nume sitting at the corner but this time it was different. I felt all hot all over and I wanted to grab him and kiss him until we can't breath. It was true love! It was love at first site but I never realized it until now.

"Nume I'm sorry I yelled at you", I said and leant in to kiss him.

Nume put a finger on my lips and shhd me. "You never have to apollogize for anything", he said. And he kissed me back!

Our tonges battled for dominance and I sat on his lap as fireworks went off in my head! He picke me up and held me against a wall as we began kissing.

"Want too go back too my room?", Nume asked.

"Let's use mine the bed is bigger and made of gold", I said and Nume smiled and we went to go have sex.

SO THERE WE GO! Yay I can't believe it's finally happeed! Their so cute together, right?!! :DDDDD But it's not a goo story without DRAMA and ANGST so see that in future chapters! R&R and no flames!!!!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 7) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-03 00:39:00 UTC Reply

And the drama begins! Don't forget to R&R! Hearts!!

After Numie and me finished we layed in bed cuddling and kissing.

"I never felt like this before", Numie confessed inaudibly. "Like with you I can finally be myself and be happy."

I sighed and nuzzled his neck and running my fingers through his luxurious hair. "My father wanted me to marry another when I was in Middle Earth", I said sadly "But now I have you I"

Numie was suddenly verry mad. "You never told this to me before!", He shouted jumping out of bed. "Do you not trust me or something!"

"Numie wait" I tried but he was already gone.

I went out on my balcony. It was starting to storm because it was reacting to my emotions. I jumped off and did a flip landing sad on the ground below. I sat on a rock and cried and cried.

I felt a hand on my hair. "Oh my daughter", a voice said sadly "I am sorry it had to be this way"

I looked up and gasped. It was.................

SELENE WINDFLOWER!!!!!

AN: DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 8) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-06 00:02:00 UTC Reply

AN: Talullah Greenslevs belongs to JayBird who is totally awesome!!!

Selene patted my hair while I hugged her an cried. I always tought my mother died because I thought me and Arwen were sister. Twins, actually.

Selene smiled when I sayed this. "Elrond and I were lovers a long time ago, and then he married Arwens mother. You and she are twins on you're father's side."

I nodded. That made sense.

"So what does this mean now?", I asked curious.

"You need to find you're soulmate", Selenr said "before you turn 16 or else you'll die."

"But mom I already found my soulmate", I said "His name is Supernumery and he's the love of my depressing life!"

"Have you consumated consummatted comsumated had sex yet" selene asked

"Yes"

"Ok good then you won't doe", Selene said smile. "So now you need to get married. I will see to the arrangements."

"You're the best mom ever!", I said hugging her. "I will go find a bridesmaid right away"

Talullah Greensleeves gasped when I told her the news. "YES I WOULD LOVE TOO BE YOU"RE BRIDESMAID" she shoutted and we jumped up and down hugging eachother because we were best friends like that.

Talullah was a mermaid and also Legolas twin so we grew up together as best friends and played pranks on our siblings all the time. It was great.

And then I ran away to tell Numie the good news.

AN: JayBird this one was for u! Next chappie will have more numie goodness.

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 9) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-08 18:05:00 UTC Reply

Talullah Greenslevs still belongs to JayBird!!

I wanted to cry while Tallullah was helping me into my wedding dress. but that would ruin my makeup so I held it in.

My dress was twenty lairs of tulle and satin and the top of it was covered in lots of diamonds so I shone whenever I moved! My makeup was blue and green and gold and matched my eyes perfectly.

My hair was braided in lots of fancy braids and I was wearing my white diamond and white gold elvish tiara that matched my gown.

It was going to be my special day~

"Jess you look perfect!", Talullah said happily and hugged me.

"You look good too", I said. She was wearing a pink one sleeve and rinestone gown that matched my boqet of pink roses.

My gown was old, it was Selenes aka moms which that I fit into perfectly. And the tiara was new my father Elrond had it made for my coronation as princess of Rivendel when I turned 16. My makeup was blue and my sparkly rainbow diamond shoes were borrowed from tallullah who had over 200 pairs. She was wearing pink strappy heels with a bow on the side.

We hugged and laughed and talked about the honeymood. Numie and mewere going to go to a private tropical island his parents who were very rich owned.

Then I heard the music start and I almost fainted I was so nervous and excited!

AN: OMG Can you believe the big day is finally happening?!?! Me neither!!! I hope u guys liked the pics of the wedding!

What The Heart Wants (Chapter 10) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-10 01:10:00 UTC Reply

((OOC: I'm going to rot13 this because it ain't safe for work at all.))

Ok so I wanted to write a wedding but I don't know how to do that so let's just skip ahead to the honeymoon.

Numie and I burst into the room which was gold and furbished with crystals everywhere. It had a huge fluffy bed and strawberries in a bowl on the table.

Orsber V xabj vg, ur’f tbg obgu bs zl unaqf va uvf ivfryvxr tevc nobir zl urnq, naq ur’f cvaavat zr gb gur jnyy hfvat uvf yvcf … Uvf bgure unaq tenof zl unve naq lnaxf qbja, oevatvat zl snpr hc, naq uvf yvcf ner ba zvar … Zl gbathr gragngviryl fgebxrf uvf naq wbvaf uvf va n fybj, rebgvp qnapr … Uvf rerpgvba vf ntnvafg zl oryyl.

Fhqqrayl, ur fvgf hc naq ghtf zl cnagvrf bss naq guebjf gurz ba gur sybbe. Chyyvat bss uvf obkre oevrsf, uvf rerpgvba fcevatf serr. Ubyl pbj! … Ur xarryf hc naq chyyf n pbaqbz bagb uvf pbafvqrenoyr yratgu. Bu ab … Jvyy vg? Ubj?

"Fubj zr ubj lbh cyrnfher lbhefrys … Xrrc fgvyy … Jr’er tbvat gb unir gb jbex ba xrrcvat lbh fgvyy, onol … Yrg’f frr vs jr pna znxr lbh pbzr yvxr guvf … Lbh’er fb qryvpvbhfyl jrg. Tbq, V jnag lbh … V’z tbvat gb shpx lbh abj, Zvff Wrff … Uneq ... Pbzr sbe zr, Wrffnzvagur.", Nume said.

So I lay back against the pillows and we did so.

AN: Omg so was that hott or what :P See if you can guess what book it was inspired by! Leave nice reviews!!

kk tah was coo by JayBird on 2017-09-11 15:05:00 UTC Reply

taht was defnitiely verr secy adn swonds exaxtly liek how i kno sesx works!!! sahme we ddin't get to se the weeding tohug!

~JayBird~

((In contrast to brandy, JayBird is very clear that sex is a thing. She, uh... isn't actually all that clear on what it is, but she's not going to admit that to anyone.

((Of course, she's also been writing these stories for a good thirteen years now, so "Repeat to yourself 'it's just the show/I should really just relax!'" I guess. ~hS))
Oh... by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-11 14:53:00 UTC Reply

Um I think uy should put a warning on this storyu now, cuz this is liek rater R or X or sumthing.

XOXOX

(( I think poor Brandy is a little traumatized. Her soul is made of romance and fluff and not much else. *pats Suethor* ~Neshomeh ))

OOC: Show her the Chronicles. Please. I will beg. =] (nm) by Scapegrace on 2017-09-12 12:24:00 UTC Reply

Npghnyyl, vg jnfaÂ’g ubgg. by DirtyOlMan on 2017-09-10 09:37:00 UTC Reply

Ur cvaf lbh gb gur jnyy, boivbhfyl fgnaqvat, naq gura ur fhqqrayl fvgf hc, naq gura lbh’er nccneragyl ylvat ba gur orq? Gur cybgubyrf gbgnyyl chg zr bhg bs gur npgvba. Vg ybbxf yvxr lbh tbg lbhe vafcvengvba sbe qvssrerag cnentencuf sebz qvfwbvag fprarf, cbffvoyl va qvssrerag obbxf. V pna’g thrff jung gurl jrer, cebonoyl fbzrguvat V qvqa’g ernq. Gjvyvtug? Svsgl Funqrf?

I can;t w8 4 the wedding!!!! by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-09 02:56:00 UTC Reply

OMG it iz ZO KEWL how u put pick2res int he story like tha!!!! How do u do that??? This shoes, OMG, i want sum!!!

Uodate uptade uptade!!!

XOXOX

(( Funny story: I read the previous chapter with links in it right after coming across a weird site redirect that made me think I had a trojan, the description of which suggested random links were another symptom to watch out for. After thoroughly checking my computer, I realized they only showed up in that post, and then I got the joke. ^_^; Srsly, those shoes tho. Those could blind someone. ~Neshomeh ))

yaaaaaaaaY!1 by JayBird on 2017-09-06 12:53:00 UTC Reply

taht is suck a good twits taht shes' has to mary Supernumberary! aslo that tehyr'e only twits on teh fathers' side! ASLO TAHT TALLULAH IS HER CHILD HOODFIEND OMNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

neway your'e owsome

~JayBird~

oH my gob!!!1 by JayBird on 2017-09-04 16:39:00 UTC Reply

so Dyfydd is her amlost-bother and Numb is here boyfiend adn now sElenene is her mothher?!?! Jessaminthe is retailed to amlost as meny ppl as Jaycacia lol.

neway god sotry &nd iM' pleased taht yu yoused my idear.

~JayBird~

What a coincidence! by Avlates_usted on 2017-09-02 21:26:00 UTC Reply

We're using two of the same characters in our fics! But you've made Jacques more of a side character...I'm not sure I like that. I mean, Jacques is awesome, and he deserves to be happy after all the awful memories her got from being Captain Jack...

Then again, I didn't make Nume *that* central to the plot, so maybe we're kind of even. Just a little bit.

I love that you've included Davydd, though! But what's he doing at HQ? Didn't he retire ages ago?
OMG! by brandywine_baby89 on 2017-09-02 21:13:00 UTC Reply

I jsut stardet reading this and it's so cool! I r.r. luyke the lotus flowre in the breeze! And the gllowing wyes! And I can't w8 to c what ahppens next!

XOXOX

WEIGHT i just notised somethin!! by JayBird on 2017-09-01 20:51:00 UTC Reply

her middle name is WANDFLOWER just like Argent Selene's last nam!!!! is Jessaminthe secretly Erlond and SELENE's daughter?!?!?!?!?

um kk so i guess tahts' spillers so DONT' READ TAHT FOLKS

~JayBird~

Oooh! by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 20:53:00 UTC Reply

I hadnt thought of that but its a good idea! Thanx!!!

Hmm... by twilitRose048 on 2017-09-01 19:53:00 UTC Reply

I do find that perhaps you are lacking in complexity of your choice of words, or more accurately, in complexity of prose as a whole; for example, rather than 'He said,' you could use 'He spoke, gazing sorrowfully into my eyes.' That is but an example, but I think you will find that one can extrapolate from there.

Oooh, that's a good idea!!! (nm) by MrsSupernumerary on 2017-09-01 19:56:00 UTC Reply

My sincerest gratitude for the compliment! by twilitRose048 on 2017-09-01 20:02:00 UTC Reply

I do try my best to help my fellow authors improve their skills.

kk so thast cool by JayBird on 2017-09-01 13:49:00 UTC Reply

Soooo your'e like a gril falling into Muddle-earth only BAWCKARDS???! I LOBE IT!!!!! aslo I realyy like that snog your'e singinging, did yoy wright it your'eself?!?!?!

~JayBird~
Gotohell! by xXth0th999Xx on 2017-09-01 13:48:00 UTC Reply

yur story sucks. it's bland and boring. its all jusr stupid romantic garbage. i think you shouls fo to hell becauae i heard there's a writinf class there. where you could learn to write better. like me. i am a really good writer like you aren't.