Subject: I like this!
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Posted on: 2020-02-18 22:49:20 UTC

I haven't re-read the original version yet, so I'm starting out just by talking about the rewrite. I dig it! It introduces a lot of interesting questions about Vania, but also about Doc. He's strangely non-reactive to all the strangeness happening in front of him. Not completely, but just enough to make you wonder what his deal is. He throws himself away from danger, but doesn't cry out; he asks questions about Vania and she confuses him, but he seems to take it more or less in stride. He's not unsettled enough to object to going on the mission with her, at least.

As for Vania, I am very intrigued by the way she snaps in and out of phase, so to speak, and I'd love to know why she can talk about Paul but fails to recognize his name when Doc says it. Very strange! And I definitely don't think it's too dark. I think it rides that line between light enough to be fun and serious enough to have depth very well.

{some minutes later}

So, the older version also does the job of hinting at strange things afoot, but I don't think it does quite as well at drawing me in and making me curious to learn more. Definite improvement. Good job! {= D

~Neshomeh

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