Subject: You're welcome!
Author:
Posted on: 2020-02-27 12:48:20 UTC

Glad I was able to help you improve! It's still not perfect, but it's definitely better than the original. The main advice I have is just to keep practicing and keep getting concrit - for me there's a lot about writing that you have to learn for yourself.

On the story itself, rather than just in general: there are still a few SPaG issues. In particular watch out for your tenses. There's a couple of places where you switch from past to present and back again.

In some parts your description is great, but in others it feels a bit like you're just saying what happened rather than giving me a sense of it. I'd suggest maybe grounding it more firmly in Issac's point of view, because it feels like it's being told from the perspective of an external observer.

Still, that's a great improvement. Keep it up!

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