Subject: "Odd"
Author:
Posted on: 2018-01-04 02:11:00 UTC

Author's Note: I. Uh. I don't know why a story like this even came to me, it just . . . did. I'm so sorry.

Warning for alcohol use.

* * *

Bob shifted a bit, trying to straighten himself in his chair. An awful ringing was sounding in his ears, thought he had no clue when, exactly, it had started.

Wait . . . ringing?

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Not ringing, not in his ears. "Console," he muttered, his throat feeling tight and phlegmy. "Mission."

Bob's forehead suddenly smarted with pain, as the lip of a glass bottle had tapped him there, quite strongly. "Vat? Vat iz dis you are talking apout? Mission? Dare iz no mission for you, but to talking mit me, here."

Bob scrunched up his brow. The console was clearly BEEPing . . . wasn't it? Although, come to think of it, his head did hurt quite a bit. And the slightly echoed, hollow rumble of the Angel's voice rather muddied the sound in his ears. Still, though: "The light is red, though . . ."

"Humph!" replied the Angel. "Vot are ve caring vor de colors of lights? Ve are a pair of revined gentlemen, holding proper discourse mit each other, yes?"

Bob forced his vision to focus on the creature sitting atop his RC's card table. It was a bit difficult, because his vision listed just a bit to the left, and because the Angel's rum cask body, beer keg legs, and wine bottle arms blended in so well with the table's layout. "My . . . my job, though . . . A mission . . ."

"Vy you are not pe in condition for mission! Hu! Hu! Hu! You are pe very dronk, mein friend! He! He! He! Here, haf yourself a little of de water." And the Angel refilled Bob's glass from one of its arm bottles labeled "Kirschenwasser."

Bob grinned and downed the clear liquid, expecting water, but delighted to find it tasted of cherries. "Thank you, Angel," he sighed, "You're such a good—"

The door to the RC slammed open. Here it is! The security dandelion fired a shot from a wide-barreled firearm, launching a large net through the air.

The Angel must have been far more nimble than its body would seem to allow, as from Bob's perspective, the net should have found its mark. However, it only managed to snap closed over some of the inanimate beverage containers near the Angel, taking them off the table to shatter onto the floor.

Plan B, please.

"On it!" a DIA agent yelled as she stepped through behind the Weed. "Angel of the Odd, you are under arrest!" She lobbed a yellow-and-black ball at the table. The ball split open and shot red energy at the Angel.

The Angel clearly wasn't expecting any more success from this attempt than from the previous one. When the red energy reached him and began pulling him back into the ball, he uttered a "Mein Gott!" before the ball closed over him.

The ball fell to the floor. It shook once.

The security team stared.

It shook again.

Bob stared.

It shook a third time.

"All right!" The DIS agent moved to pick up the ball. "Contact the Captain and have him tell Bellman Next we've—"

The ball burst open and the Angel of the Odd skittered across the floor.

"—got her pagerunner." She picked up the Poké Ball, its hinge swinging uselessly open.

He's using the console! the Weed moved across the RC on its roots, but the Angel of the Odd had already stopped the alarm and opened a portal.

"Wait, Angel!" Bob slurred. "When will I see you again?"

Jumping nimbly through the dandelion's vines, the Angel laughed. "He! He! He! Vy, te Angel ov te Odd is alvays mit you! Any time you be find a strange accident iz be ruining your day, there I be!" He escaped out the portal, which snapped shut behind him.

"Nooo," Bob murmured. "Angeeel!" He stretched across the table, reaching for the closed portal, and sending bottle and glasses clattering down around his head as he came to rest face-down on the table.

"Seriously, dude. Get some help."

* * *

Author's Note: Agent Bob Cholera was named at random by Granz and Larfen J. Stocke, Esq. typing out random names in the chat. At his request, Agent Cholera henceforward belongs to Larfen J. Stocke, Esq. "The Angel of the Odd: An Extravaganza" was written by and belongs to Edgar Allen Poe. Thursday Next and the term "pagerunner" belong to Jasper Fforde. Poké Balls belong to Nintendo and Game Freak. Alcohol is drugs, kids. Don't do drugs.

—doctorlit, apparently making a habit of forcing himself to write characters with odd written speech

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