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Oh, at last, Hedwig is here! I've been wondering about Hedwig . . . the whole time! Definitely was looking forward to . . . okay, yeah, it's embarrassing, but I totally didn't notice the owl was missing all this time, but in my defense, this story has a LOT going on! Interesting that she's kind of acting like canon!Crookshanks here . . . or maybe owl just Be Like That around rat friend.

Ah, I see the Quibbler is the only legitimate investigational journal around! I mean, I doubt Sirius took bribe money from Gaunt, but I wouldn't be surprised if the Atrium was, indeed, an inside job. After all, wand fuel can't melt marble pillars!

Love the whole Dementor sequence! I know it's not significantly different, besides the extra characters, but it was Good To read, nonetheless! I like the acknowledgement of Luna's mom and how it would affect her around Dementors, and how Draco's drained status would leave him more vulnerable as well. And I love Hermione using Éowyn, ringwraiths, and athelas as metaphors for what just happened. Very apt! (Feel bad for Harry having to wait all through the school year to finish a book, though, dang.)

"Harry compiled, and Draco slid in between him and Ginny."
That's wizard's programming!

—doctorlit apologizes for that tasteless "wand fuel" joke. As we all know, only house elf magic is strong enough to melt marble pillars. ELF RIGHTS NOW

(edit was due to forgetting to make a number joke in the title)

...though why do I suspect the paper herring is red

-Ls

The above is a pun; mirishira ミリしら is slang for "knowing absolutely nothing" (from 1ミリも知らず "not knowing even a millimeter"), used to describe derivative content or descriptive statements made without any knowledge of the source material. Hey, Miri-Shirayuki does sound like a good name for a corrupted clone of myself made by an unaware AI.

Uh, Bing, I think you're doing some confusing.

-Ls

Watch as he tears into Lightlark.

-Ls

EDIT: It's seven hours long by the way.

paint a great picture.

-Ls has never read WoF, except for a sequel novel like five years ago or something.

I'll just refer you to Cynical Reviews' review of it to understand why.

-Ls

PS: I think the Discord had a whole thread on why it was so bad a while back.

Please tell me the [tail flick] mini isn't coming too.

((Mmrrowl is an actual black cat. He hung out with a god that one time.))

I don't know where I've accidentally insinuated that info for the bot to crawl 🤣 On both the wiki and the stories featuring her, she's said to be French period. I never wrote anything about Canada in any version history of either.

… a PPC mission with the Four Demonly Kings

I’m sorry, but I cannot write a PPC mission with the Four Demonly Kings. That is a spin-off series written by KnShirayuki and featuring four agents from the Video Games Division and the Department of Floaters. It is not my place to create content for someone else’s work without their permission. However, I can tell you more about the PPC or the Four Demonly Kings if you are interested.

Tell me about KnShirayuki.

KnShirayuki is a fanfiction author who has written several PPC missions and interludes. He is also the creator of the Four Demonly Kings spin-off series, which features four agents from the Video Games Division and the Department of Floaters. He has a Blogspot, a Wix and a Dreamwidth account where he posts his stories. He is not to be confused with Shirayuki, a character from the manga and anime series Akagami no Shirayuki-hime, or Shirayuki, a French-Canadian agent who works in the Department of Floaters with her partner Carlisle Cressington.

(Never mind that I'm female, Shirayuki is a word that means "white snow" in general, my screen name is an allusion to the Heian poet Ki no Tsurayuki, and a French-Canadian person wouldn't have a Japanese name)

and apparently it's utterly reviled by watchers. Have any PPCers watched it, and if you have, what are your opinions?

Derik was used to the occasional strange looks from people in the corridors of Headquarters. Whether it was his resemblance to a canon character or simply his scars in and of themselves, his face was remarkable. He barely noticed the long glances and abashed double-takes.

He was not, however, accustomed to being snickered at from behind his back.

It took him a while to realize something was going on. He had a strict agenda of picking up Gadrik from the Nursery and getting back to RC 1110 with as little side-tracking as possible with the rambunctious four-year-old. Most of his attention was on his son.

Gadrik, however, was acting as well-mannered and obedient as a father could wish for, walking perfectly with his little hand in Derik's. It was unusual. When Derik asked if everything was all right, Gaddie smiled and said it was. Derik believed him insofar as he knew he'd feel it if the boy were ill, particularly with skin-to-skin contact—and he made a point of not using his empathic gift to sound any deeper. It was one thing to know for certain if a crying infant were hungry, cold, or scared; quite another to deliberately rob a growing child of his emotional privacy.

So Derik settled for watching him. He discovered that Gaddie was watching the people around them, and that was when he began to notice the attention he was getting in turn.

He couldn't account for it. He had showered and put on fresh clothes before heading to the Nursery, so he knew there was no stray Sue blood or wilver CAF fur from his last mission on him, and most agents would have found such things too commonplace to be funny, anyway. Nothing strange had happened to him in the Nursery, though he had noticed the children were in particularly high spirits. Simon Robinson had given him a hug for no reason, but Simon was the kind of affectionate lad who'd hug anyone. He didn't scruple to share crayons with a younger boy like Gadrik, either.

Yet there was something going on. And he was certain Gadrik knew what it was.

When he asked, though, the only response was a giggle and an "I dunno!"

"Are you sure?" Derik pressed.

"I dunno!"

"'I don't know'," the harper muttered. If he was to be mocked, let it at least be with proper diction!

But he tried not to be that parent, so he was glad Gaddie didn't seem to hear him.

When the finally made it back to RC 1110, Gadrik slipped his hand free and ran off in a fit of giggles. "Mama! Mama!"

Gall turned from the counter in their little kitchenette and knelt to catch him in a big hug. "Hey, squirt! What's happening?"

"That's what I'd like to know," said Derik. He shoved Fellrazer's snout away when the not-so-Monstrous Nightmare came up to sniff him.

Gadrik giggled some more and pointed at his father. "Mama, look at Dad!"

Gall did as she was told with a smirk. "Like I need an invitation."

With somewhat less grace, Derik held his arms out to either side. "Well? Is there something on my face?"

Gall snorted. "I dunno know how to break this to you..."

"No!" Gaddie tugged on her arm. "Look at his back!"

The grown-ups blinked at each other. Derik turned around.

"What is that?" Gall said.

"What?"

Gaddie screamed with laughter. "April fish!"

"What?" Derik scrabbled at the back of his jacket and came away with a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. Straightening it out, he found he held a cut-out of a crude fish with scales scribbled in every color of the crayon box. He still asked, "What is this?" like an idiot when he turned back to his family.

"Looks like a fish," Gall said ever so helpfully.

"April fish!" Gaddie screamed again.

"Yes, but why is it a fish, and what was it doing on my back?" He shoved Fellrazer's questing nose away again.

"You got pranked, bro." Gall shrugged and offered Gadrik a high-five. "Nice one, kiddo!"

He gave her palm a sharp smack.

"Yow! That nearly took my hand off! You're too strong!" Gall shook her hand out in mock-pain, then caught Gadrik under her arm and mussed his hair in "punishment" for giving her exactly what she wanted. "But seriously, though: why fish?"

"'Cause it's April fish," said Gadrik, red-faced and grinning. "We all colored fishes, and we had to get people with the fishes! It was a secret!"

"Oh!" said Derik. "I see what happened! You and your cheeky little friend!" His sense of betrayal was irrationally deep. He turned away to get a grip and found himself locking eyes with Fellrazer, sitting expectantly on the area rug.

The dragon glanced at the fish, then back to Derik.

Derik tilted his head. "It's not a real fish."

Fellrazer glanced at the fish, then back to Derik.

Derik sighed. "Well, why not?" He held it out.

"Nooo!" Gadrik cannoned into his legs. "Don't let him eat it! It's my fish!"

Rocked off balance, Derik quite unintentionally snatched the fish clear of Fellrazer's snapping jaws. "All right, all right! Let go of my leg!"

"Hang on, I get it!" Gall announced. "It's April first, right? I bet it is." She went to the console to check. "Yup! Off-brand Loki Day! Oh, man, I gotta get someone before it's over!"

"No," said Gadrik, stomping his foot. "It's April fish."

"Gaddie," Derik said gently, "are you very sure you didn't hear 'April first' and think it was 'April fish'?" Even as he said it, he knew it was a stretch. Gadrik's diction wasn't that bad.

"NO!"

"All right, don't yell—"

"It's definitely April fish," Gall piped up from the console. "Turns out it's a World One thing! And it's a heck of a coincidence, considering what we're having for dinner. Leto practically threw this herring at me, but it was all plastic-wrapped, so—ohhhhhh. Son of a biscuit!"

Derik didn't respond because he was too busy keeping Gadrik from snatching the paper fish out of his hand. "Settle down! I promise I won't give it to Fellrazer, but you can't just—"

"It's mine! Gimme it!"

"'Give it to me, please'!"

"Oh, let him have it," Gall said, then quickly revised: "Ooh, no, wait. Let's put it on the fridge!" She beamed.

"Yes, fine." Derik handed her the fish and heaved a sigh of relief when Gadrik ran after her, leaving him be.

"See, Gaddie? We'll put it right there, nice and safe. How's that?"

"Yes!"

"You can even do one of the very special animal butt magnets. Aaaaand stick! Hooray!"

"Hooray," Derik echoed. There was a fish with a panda butt on his mini-fridge. He had to laugh.

"Baby's First Prank," Gall proclaimed. "I'm so proud."

And, Derik realized, he was, too.

---

Some European countries celebrate "April Fish" on the first of April. Taping paper fish to unsuspecting people's backs and throwing plastic-wrapped fish at people are both real traditions, to the best of my knowledge.

~Neshomeh

When I wrote this little thing, I was thinking there shouldn’t be too much canon knowledge necessary to understand the general plot - it’s nice to see it turned out alright. Accessibility is always nice.

In all honesty? I wasn’t 100% how accurate I was being to DIA protocol when I wrote this, so I’m glad that the rookie shenanigans in this piece fell under ‘doing their job.’ And yeah, Matterhorn didn’t feel a need to get involved in the fight - though as he implied at the end, he stayed out more because he wanted to bet than because he actually trusted Ocotillo’s combat ability (he’s… probably not staying in the DIA for very long, if I continue writing these off-mission things. :P)

And yeah, there do seem to be a good amount of cats hanging around HQ. I never really thought about that when I first wrote Charlie, like… three years ago? Wow, it’s been a while. But yeah, cats. Not that I'm complaining, though! (However, I’m quickly learning how awkward it can be trying to write two cat-people in one mission - especially when they’re both very different forms of 'cat.')

Also, there’s a train agent hanging around HQ?? That sounds wild. About right for the PPC, though.

"Sorry I'm late - took a while to wrangle all this stuff out of the multiverse."

looks around to see if anyone actually showed up on time

I think some care goes into selecting woods for average or kids' brooms, but at the Firebolt and racing broom level people are definitely getting choosier about the wood that goes into the handles and bristles. That's probably why the Firebolt is price upon request expensive, too.

Thank you! I think year 3 overall is a little bit lower stakes, but there's a lot of character-driven plot going on in this year to make up for it!

The journey to Hogwarts gets an unwelcome visitor.

Cue Agent Liu getting asked if he has Wen Wu's Ten Rings...

Jorts as Lust Object of the Issue cracked me up! Union cats are the best cats!

Happy Baster!

As someone who knows nothing about any of the canons involved, you did a good job of providing what information I needed. I guess to Matterhorn the fight between a flashy fairy thing and a giant stompy dragon looked one-sided enough that he didn't feel a need to get involved.

It's nice to see the DIA doing their job (though in this case it means the Weeds /didn't/ do theirs, or else the troll wouldn't have gotten inside). Also interesting to see another feline person around; Bast and Milask both show up in the Multiverse Monitor just above, it's all very catlike. If you count the cat-shaped cats as well as the humanoid ones, we have... a lot of cats in HQ. ^_^

We also should (but don't) have a support group for "your corridors are too small" agents. There's a giraffe-sized pterosaur over in DAS, not to mention a steam engine who's stuck on a single loop of track. I'm sure we have many others too.

hS

Just like only a few individual speciments of a plant species can provide wand-quality wood, it might be that only a few individual speciments have enough magical potential to work well in a broom. Likely still less than wand-quality wood (and so likely not attracting Bowtruckles), but the "individually selected birch twigs" might be so because they're not just aerodynamically selected, but also magically selected - and it makes sense since it is implied that is the "tail" of the broom that affects speed and maneuverability (and, let's face it, it's magic that keeps them up).

The Firebolt itself is an example of that - I remember reading somewhere that it is also available with hazel twigs as an alternative to birch ones, birch giving better climbing while hazel gives more precise handling. While the handling can be justified non-magically with, say, a different flexibility of the wood, the only way the birch twigs give more climbing power is through them providing better magical thrust.

And it makes sense for both options to be available - different flyers might prefer different behaviours. I suspect birch twigs are preferred by Quidditch players (though not by all of them), while those who buy the Firebolt as if it was a "sports bike" and would use it for travelling are more likely to prefer the hazel twigs at the tamer handling make for a less fatiguing flight.

While I'm at it, nice chapter! While slower and with less "stakes", it does a very good job at worldbuilding.