Subject: General Theories, Ch. 4: Language In Relation...
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Posted on: 2018-04-18 13:42:00 UTC

"That's an object." Purple was looking at Wombat with an increasingly frantic cast to his face.

"Yep." Siobhan popped the 'p' sound.

"You made the object move around."

"Yes."

"You made it intelligent."

"Wouldn't go that far, mate," Wombat said, his voice languid and slow like an old river. "I'm not a wizard, after all. Just magic."

"This could be bad, chick. This could be really... skree, this could be bad." Purple took to the air again, flying around the battered lampshade hanging from the ceiling. "Siobhan, we have to get out of here. Grab your manual and let's wing it!"

"Er, er, okay, er." Siobhan looked around for her manual, the spells it contained, the history it lied about. She stuffed it into an old green rucksack that really was too small, but it would suffice - as would the change of clothes and the slightly incongruous pair of wellies. A final rummage produced a rolled-up clip of banknotes, an electric-blue raincoat that was so vast it looked like it could double as a twelve-man tent, and a scattering of energy bars and packets of dried fruit.

"I remember when you were putting those together," said Wombat, "and that doesn't make a lot of sense because I wasn't sentient at the time."

Siobhan's arm twitched. "I was in a bad place, but I'm okay now."

"I remember you teaching yourself how to say that, too."

Purple looked at them both and mumbled something inaudible about being too old for this skree-aaah.

After a few minutes, Siobhan straightened up, coat on and rucksack over the top. "Okay, I'm ready."

Purple took flight and began circling her head. "Okay, so, this is called a-" the parakeet made a string of noises in the Speech, but Siobhan understood them as 'claudication' "- and it's how we get to where we're needed. It sort of pinches and folds the universe together in interesting ways, and it's a great way of beating the traffic to trees with purple fruit on them. Not that there tends to be any, but you know what I mean. Anyway... anywhere you wanna go, chick?"

Siobhan thought for a moment. "Anywhere but here."

"Crawley it is-"

"Anywhere but here and also not Crawley you sadist."

Purple laughed. "Always gets people, that does. Right. This might get loud..."

Siobhan and Wombat were then treated to the spectacle of the universe going very, very quiet while a small green bird started to scream its head off at it. The sound seemed far too loud, as if it was echoing in a canyon that wasn't there. The young wizard heard the Speech, though, and it was an exceptionally polite request for a claudication to co-ordinates Avram Angband three-nine-two-grapefruit. The wombat, who didn't really understand the Speech, thought that Purple was about to have seventeen aneurysms at once.

Then they moved through the claudication and everything changed.

---

The three appeared in a pub, Wombat causing some consternation by landing on the pool table and blocking someone's shot. Siobhan peeked out from underneath the enormous raincoat hood, gathered Wombat into her arms, and moved out into the front bar. It was... an experience.

The bar itself was staffed by a selection of cheerful souls with pronounced Australian accents, as is obligatory in all London pubs; that said cheerful Australians were all tree snakes working the handpumps in various elaborate ways was somewhat less normal, unless you were in Camden and the furries were on the loose. A man dressed as a Roman legionary was having a ferocious debate about geothermal power plants with something that looked like an upside-down jellyfish balanced on top of a chocolate blancmange. Three women in traditional Nigerian suits, one of whom was an iridescent shade of green, were reading a paper called "Acta Parabiologica" and talking in low, serious tones about something disturbing in there. There were two old men in a corner playing cribbage, which was fairly normal, and explaining the rules to a bonsai tree that was asking questions, which wasn't. There was a slightly squashed-looking elephant proclaiming things in the Speech for an audience of twenty floating purple orbs, and Siobhan eventually realized (after looking at a poster printed in the Speech) that this was the stand-up comedy night.

"Welcome to the Group Dynamic," said Purple. "Local hub for wizards in and out of the area. All the world passes through here at some point. Probably."

Wombat looked out of the window. "No it doesn't, mate. This is Norwich. That's the mustard museum over the road."

"Alright, if you want to get technical-"

"This is a wizard pub?"

"Yes, Siobhan, this is a wizard pub."

"... Do they have any real ale on?"

"Not for you, they don't," said Wombat, "you're seventeen."

"Skree. I'll get 'em in then." Purple took off to the bar, dodging the hop cones hanging from the ceiling with a muffled "'scuse me."

Siobhan and Wombat eventually found a table when the Roman and the jellyfish-blancmange-thing disappeared. Purple reappeared a moment later, and a tray of drinks landed with a crash on the table. Siobhan had a Coke that somehow contrived to be blue (Purple's explanation involved a lot of allusions to Greek mythology and, for some inexplicable reason, branding legislation), Wombat had nothing at all, and the bird wizard had a pint of mixed nuts.

"So, this is a wizard pub," said Siobhan through mouthfuls of blue cola. "Quite nice, really."

"Yeah, it's a decent gaff," replied Purple. "Mostly I come here to figure out what I need to do next."

"Is it generally 'order a pint of mixed nuts'? Also, how did you get a pint of mixed nuts?"

"I asked them nicely."

Siobhan groaned. "I walked right into that, didn't I?"

"Yes. Yes you did." Purple perched on the rim of his pint glass and began to peck at the nuts inside. "Anyway. We're getting out of there because there's a lot going on in the world, and even Probationers like yourself can come in handy. You're on Ordeal now, even if you don't know what it is yet; when I was on it, this was where I came to plan my next move."

"... Don't I need to figure out what's it's going to be before I can figure out any moves?"

"Don't change the subject, you."

Exactly as he said this, Siobhan felt her Manual buzz. Purple felt his Echo clang. The other patrons rattled, dinged, bwarked, and (in the case of the floating purple orbs) flashed something unbelievably obscene in Ethiopian, though that was probably a coincidence. Everyone looked at everyone else, looking at their Manuals, or just looking around and wondering what was going on.

Wombat, who wasn't a wizard, simply looked out of the window.

"Where's Norwich gone?"

---

AN: Sorry, hS. =]

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