Subject: Why aren't you suing them?
Author:
Posted on: 2022-05-13 16:15:55 UTC
We changed our name when asked politely! Also we are RESPECTABLE journalists who help connect the Agents with one another on a deep level and... oh dear, Jerry just got an overdose of Irony, someone get him to Medical, I don't think he took writing that all too well.
Legal disclaimer: please do not blame us for the lawsuits and countersuits.
Many Agents have CRIED OUT at the loss of the most respectable yellow pages in Headquarters, the MULTIVERSE MONITOR. Unfortunately, nobody paid for this publication and so it was lost to the ether. A great tragedy for all the PPC! However, thanks to the genius of one Archivist Sarkan, we have returned with a NEW business model!
Should you choose to accept this mission, Agent, YOUR stories will be printed here - for an appropriate fee! Spread tips, tricks, stories, or anything else you want to talk about.
Our first user-submitted story comes from one "Agent Joan." Let's see what he has to say!
Could the Flowers be "in on it?" We know that the Flowers are canon the PPC, right? Well, why do we exist? To get rid of Mary Sues, obviously. But what happens if there are no Sues? Well, the PPC wouldn't need to exist, would it? What would we do all day? I think we'd just go poof! All of us back to our original canon!
But the Flowers have none. Where would they go? They'd go nowhere, see? Clearly they'd know this, see? So what would they do? They'd make sure there's a PPC no matter what. How would they do this? By making Sues!
Think about it, think about it. Have you ever READ those papers the Flowers always shuffle around? No, you haven't. It's because they hide it, because it's SUES! SUES! ALL THE WAY DOWN!
Well, that was certainly interesting! Could he be right? Are we all just being set up to work forever?
Contact Archivist Sarkan to have YOUR stories published in this new and improved:
We at the New Multiverse Monitor are not liable for any libel suits, flamethrower attacks, wedgies, or any other form of discomfort brought about by the targets of your stories. We at the New Multiverse Monitor will publish all stories verbatim; any typos, falsehoods, or silliness will be the submitter's own. We at the New Multiverse Monitor will accept payment in any good or service, excepting cashews, because the joke about them being CASH-ews is quite old.
It reads as follows:
"Wanna get in on the fun of writing for The Mathematical Monitor? Follow these easy steps:
Don't write in equations. Write using actual words.
They must be happening around CPP headquarters or be rumors. No "tinfoil" stories. We're all really tired of them.
You can't pay us in hypercubes. Really. We have too many of them. Please don't pay us in hypercubes.
And that's it! Submit your story (or stories!) and optional payment for your edition, and we send it to our main editor(s), the Sunflower Mathematician!
The bottom is torn a little, like someone didn't want it in their newspaper (and it is distinctly newspaper paper, not from a magizine) and just tore it out. How it ended up here, nobody knows.
Meanwhile, in the CPP, behind front stories of "Kittyauthor, author of CPP, graduates from [censored for privacy] High School!" lies a different story:
Is the PPC responsible for the warping of our beloved canons?
Written by Dr. Val Burner, Head of Division of Logic Coding, human. Edited by Sunflower Mathematician, Head of CPP in general, Flower
A piece of random paper was recently brought to the attention of the Head of Complete Department of Logic, O'Ryan Keys, with the following text as one of their stories:
Could the Flowers be "in on it?" We know that the Flowers are canon the PPC, right? Well, why do we exist? To get rid of Mary Sues, obviously. But what happens if there are no Sues? Well, the PPC wouldn't need to exist, would it? What would we do all day? I think we'd just go poof! All of us back to our original canon!
But the Flowers have none. Where would they go? They'd go nowhere, see? Clearly they'd know this, see? So what would they do? They'd make sure there's a PPC no matter what. How would they do this? By making Sues!
Think about it, think about it. Have you ever READ those papers the Flowers always shuffle around? No, you haven't. It's because they hide it, because it's SUES! SUES! ALL THE WAY DOWN!
"It's fairly plausible," said O'Ryan. "But it could just be a gossip monitor. I see "Multiverse Monitor" on the top of the page, like it belonged in a tabloid or something." O'Ryan is also quoted as saying that the paper is "promising, but highly unlikely to be anything of worth."
As a personal writer for years in this newspaper, I think it's nothing more than bull[censored] and that the CPP is [censored] logical. We should know better than to put an organization responsible for, and I shudder here, killing Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and Ary Ooos as the one to spawn them. That is my only comment.
The editor has nothing noteworthy to put, aside from a rant about "authors being fictional" being removed for off-topic reasons.
Back at the PPC, another ripped paper flutters down the halls of HQ, the title reading, "Is the PPC responsible for the warping of our beloved canons?" At the very corner, where no text from the paper lurks, a small mathematical equation is written: x² + 2y - 15(pi)×z = 17
Does the Gossip Monitor find this piece of paper? I don't know. That's up to Sier to decide :).
But, either way, have another fun little segment concerning the CPP for a moment.
-kA
(Last two edits were me trying to fix numbering. This time, it's a tense fix.)
(Edit 4?: Oh gods, I misspelled mathematical. Fixed!)
"I think you need to see this," Epsilion said, turning over the paper in his hand, "another one. These papers are getting common. Doesn't seem Suvian, though. Looks almost like one of ours, but different."
"A new AU?" Wojtek asked, sipping his tea.
"There's been a spike lately. I wonder if an incursion is imminent."
"You're always afraid of some form of invasion. Why you weren't assigned to the DES, I haven't the foggiest," Wojtek grunted.
"Because the Sod sucks at his job."
"I... do not object to that statement."
"Let's spread the word of this and-"
"You hold your tongue, there's no reason to stoke unnecessary fear."
"I merely said spread the word of this particular object. As it is, I will not hold my tongue, it is in my mouth right now."
"I see the phrase is lost."
Epsilion looked at his notes, flicking through them. "Ah. Here. 'To hold the tongue: to shut your stupid mouth.'"
"Your memory problems are-"
"Perfectly normal. Let's go talk to that guy who made that new paper. The other new paper. The one with the cashews."
The Finest In Yellow Journalism Today's topic: Alternate PPCs?
Officer Epsilion (DIA) and Agent Wojtek Bearington III (DMS) have approached our office with an interesting paper, from a "CPP", presumed to be an alternate PPC. Here's their interview.
Sarkan: So, an alternate PPC?
Epsilion: Seems it. There's a "Sunflower Mathematician" instead of "Official" mentioned. Paper is marked the "Mathematical Monitor." It's like an alternate copy of the Monitor. Seems to track. I don't think anyone here seems familiar with any of this. Either we're getting punked, or there's something fishy going on.
Bearington: We know of other alternate PPCs. It is not an implausibility that this is merely another.
Epsilion: There are, or at least were also some others. Non-PPC organizations that did similar things to us. I think they're all gone now. I guess the Sues got 'em.
Bearington: Now is not time for fearmongering and conspiracy.
Epsilion: It is always important to be afraid.
Bearington: That is why you look so old.
Epsilion: I don't say you look fat, Whiskey, but I certainly could.
Sarkan: Let's stop with that, uh... I wonder why we haven't had two different Agencies end up in the same fic?
Bearington: We are presumably still outnumbered. Consider our turnover rate, consider the workload and how many we need to go through. Assuming an independent probability of assailing any particular target, we still end up with astronomical odds that two Agencies would end up in the same place at the same time. Travel between Agencies is also substantially harder, for reasons I've yet to discover.
Epsilion: I've heard Winfrey was trying to puzzle that out. She's a questioner. Those go either well or poorly. DOSAT's exploded enough times for us to know-
Sarkan: Let's not get off track. What do you think we should be doing about this?
Epsilion: We should-
Bearington: Remain calm. I don't believe they pose much of a threat.
Sarkan: Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen.
Have you seen Agent Joan? He owes us money.
The Gossip Monitor reprints rumors and stories from within the PPC. We make no claims as to the factual nature of our statements, and do not claim responsibility if any stories you submit engender libel suits or flamethrower attack. Contact Archivist Sarkan, Department of Personnel, if you wish to submit YOUR story here!
Because I would be immensely entertained if Agent Wojtek was an actual bear like Corporal Wojtek. Maybe he's of Paddingtonian origin?
Agent Wojtek Bearington III is absolutely not a Kodiak bear in a dark suit, and anyone claiming he is must be a very silly man indeed. Just because he is rather large and hirsute, fond of honeyed snacks, and sometimes absolutely unbearable in his sophistication does not mean that he is an ursine. The mere thought that a non-human creature would work for the PPC is an absolutely ludicrous proposal, too absurd to bear.
(Yes, he is a bear. But he's very sneaky about it.)
Written by Mr. G, Head of Division of Eager Logic Testing, Human.
Edited By Sunflower Mathematician, Head of CPP, Flower
It appears that the PPC has discovered The Mathematical Monitor just as we have discovered Multiverse Monitor (or Gossip Monitor, as it has apparently rebranded), seen through another copy of the paper.
"I hope the PPC is not entirely freaked out by our existence," the Sunflower Mathematician is quoted saying. "We are more disgusted by their intentional killing of Sues, Stus, and Ooos than panicked by their existence. It is much more humane to change their logic code and keep them alive."
When asked about if the PPC's sole purpose is to kill Sues, Stus, and Ooos, the Sunflower Mathematician notes that he "isn't entirely sure" but the "previous paper tend to lean in that direction." Also, when asked about what DMS, DES, or DIA could possible mean, the Sunflower Mathematician says, "They are probably names of departments, like how CDL stands for Complete Department of Logic, although what they stand for is a mystery. The PPC, likewise, is the short way of saying their organization, like how CPP is short for Continuum of Plot Protectors."
The editor has no other comments at this time, aside from a rant about how stupid the CPP's name is (from an interview with Dr. Val Burner) being removed for being off-topic.
In need of hypercubes? This very newspaper has too many! Accepting offers BELOW market value! We just really want to get rid of these things.
Also, whoever is sending us cashews please stop. The Sunflower Mathematician doesn't eat. Thank you.
"You're making a dreadful mistake," Wojtek said evenly, watching as Sarkan hefted a sledgehammer.
"The readers want to know, and I need to tell them. Plus it'll be-"
"I can't tell you what will happen when you do that, but I can tell you it will be ugly," Wojtek said.
"Why can't you-"
"Because it won't be funny," Epsilion cut in, "I've sent a wire to FicPsych and Finance already. Whiskey? We're getting out of here."
Wojtek sighed, following Epsilion as the two strode out of Sarkan's office, cashews crunching under their boots as they did so.
Sarkan eyed his target, which seemed awfully thin. The Fourth Wall. He slowly rocked back with his hammer, before striking it firmly.
"Well, I told him," Epsilion deadpanned, prodding Sarkan's unconscious form with his boot.
"What do you think he asked?" Wojtek wondered.
"Don't ask. He probably asked about the cashews."
"What does any of this have to do with that parallel PPC?"
"Cashews. Scrap of their paper said they were having cashew problems."
"Do you reckon the Department of Finance will-"
"Absolutely."
"Should we send an op-ed to these individuals on the nature of Sues?"
"What do you mean, Whiskey? I've seen enough "logic" in the PPC to know it won't work. Logic doesn't make sense here, so any logical argument we construct will be logical to us and ergo illogical to them. If we're convinced by it, it won't convince them, and if we're not convinced by it, it probably won't convince them either. Better to observe, not waste our breath. I remember ways back someone said math actually hurt Sues. It's why-"
"How do you remember this with your-" Wojtek started.
"Look, I forgot how I remembered."
"That's not how it-"
"Yes. Shut up. It works like that. I scribbled it down in my notes. Memories come in and out of my head. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget."
"I'd rather forget we had this conversation."
"Agreed."
The finest in yellow page journalism
Note from the editor: refrain from breaking the Fourth Wall, Sarkan cannot feel his teeth and has been buried under a pile of cashews. Also the Finance department is suing us to pay for the repairs.
We will pay them in cashews. Because they're cash-ews.
Please send us stories to publish you can publish anything
Have you seen Agent Joan?
"Did you hear that?" he asked.
Hear what? the Sunflower Mathematician replied.
"There was a thud," O'Ryan continued. "And... hey, where did all the cashews go?"
The Sunflower Mathematician "looked" down at his desk. Not certain. There is no leftover logic coding from them. I suspect... He "glanced" over at another wall. Ah. A breach in the Fourth Wall. I will fix that.
A pause. Nothing seemed to happen physically, but, downstairs, a certain colorful vampire shivered and cursed.
There. It is fixed, the Flower said finally. No more issue.
BREAKING NEWS! A breach in the Fourth Wall?
Written by Dr. Val Burner, Head of Division of Logic Coding, human.
Edited by Sunflower Mathematician, Head of CPP in general, Flower.
The Sunflower Mathematician has just reported a small breach in the Fourth Wall, which apparently stole a bunch of cashews, leaving no "leftover code" behind. We will keep you updated.
The editor has removed an entire section about speculation on the PPC because it involved the "tinfoil theory," a theory firmly debunked and is not allowed in the newspaper. The writer has paid the appropriate fines for trying to spread the theory again (78th time this has happened. After the 50th, fines began.) in the news.
We no longer have cashew problems, but please don't send us cashews again.
Then you are seriously mistaken. Honestly, luvvie, we’ve tried. Some are worth saving, like my partner but some like to catch agents and torture them for no logical reason. We can’t rework the logic code, as ya put it, of every glittery being in the multiverse, especially the ones who don’t want to be saved or changed. That being said, and I feel like I’ve been way too serious, we do have some sparklepires! Like my partner!
I am saying attempt to reform them, preferably by fixing their logic code and fixing those internal errors. It is odd that you cannot directly mess with the logic code of species and recruit former Sues. A lot of what you seem to imply is... peculiar to us.
We are currently working towards the goal of reworking "the logic code of every glittery being in the multiverse," as you put it, as well as working towards fixing the bad segments of canons to better match the canon itself, even if there are no Sues, Stus, or Ooos within the bad segment.
I am curious on what you mean by "sparklepires," so if you could reply to this message as soon as you are able to, I would be delighted.
-Sunflower Mathematician
((I'm making up some things about the Sunflower on the fly. I had a lot of HQ and backstory for CPP planned out (or in my head, at least) but not a ton about the Sunflower himself. Huh. -kA))
They’re overpowered vampires who sparkle in the sun. I’m honestly shocked you haven’t heard of them, especially if you work with Sues.
What would the PPC be without Sues? Seriously, I'm wondering.
Long story short, it's Protectors of the Plot Continuum. What the Flowers aim to protect is the fabric of the multiverse from being utterly trashed by excess plotholes - which are literally holes in the fabric of reality.
Sues are the worst offenders in plothole generation (and so the Flowers' natural antagonists), but any kind of bad writing does that really - in fact, even good writing ends up still having them (though, of course, in far minor number). So, if Sues were somehow to cease to exist, it would just entail the disbandment of the Department of Mary Sues,but aside from a reduced workload the rest of the PPC would be basically unaffected. Bad writing in general is pretty much assured to always exist, so the PPC's job stability is excellent...
It would be interesting to see, as a "what if" scenerio, Mary Sues stopped existing.
I mean, sure, DMS will disband and be the only issue, but what about the Floaters or other divisions that deal with Sues sometimes? I think the PPC would take a hit.
And, what if Sues, all Sues, stopped existing? Matthew would be gone, and so would some other agents. That would hit the PPC even harder.
Sure, your initial idea didn't pan out, but you can always alter it. I would totally read a PPC AU involving Sues ceasing to exist.
-kA
Some agent managed to wish that all Suvian lifeforms in the Multiverse would disappear, and then boom. So then not only do Sues in Word Worlds get dusted, but so do HQ folks of Suvian origin.
Obviously, per the RP going down, Dafydd has vanished in a puff of harps, but what about his kids? They don't come from badfic themselves, so they shouldn't vanish - but they can't still have Evil Maglor as a parent. So do they suddenly turn full human? What if Constance had been from badfic as well?
And that's how far down the rabbit hole I fell before I decided to let Other Minds And Hands tackle this one. ^_^
hS
AKA about as mess-free and stupid of a solution as could be :) /joking.
They aren't from badfic, so it makes sense that they don't disappear (which, very small side note: What happens to goodfic that had Sues getting defeated? I need to figure that out.), but, in my mind, it wouldn't make sense for their species to disappear. It would be like the death of a parent rather than the ret-gone (is that the right term?) of a person... similar to deleting a Sim without said Sim memories being deleted.
The species won't disappear unless it is Suvian in nature (like, a Sue was the last woodelf on Middle Earth, gets recruited, has a half woodelf child), then that part would probably revert to human.
Additional thing: What happens to canon Sues? David, do you even think before you speak? You could've shpxed up several canons.
Actually...
O'Ryan looked through his bookshelf for a book. He was bored; might as well brush up on his canons.
"Hmm, da-da, nah, not Animal Farm. Is there badfic in AF? Maybe. Da-daaa- wait." His hand hovered. "Where the uryy did all of my House of Night books go?"
"Why are you cursing in rot?" Kitty mumbled, stretching out on her bed.
"My House of Night series is gone," O'Ryan muttered. "It was cool, too! I had gotten some material to bind old books in their canon materials, so I bound them all in sone black fabric from the vampire school." He crossed his arms. "And now they're gone!"
"Well, I still have my copy of Marked," Kitty said, grabbing the book. She opened to the first page.
Instead of blankness greeting her, big, angry red letters spelled out HAS NO ATTACHED UNIVERSE.
"Huh," she replied. "I guess that sort of thing happens." She looked up from the book. "I guess that universe is now gone."
"Which explains the lack of fabric," O'Ryan muttered. "Well shpx."
Whelp, HoN is gone, as well as series with canon Sues in the front (Twilight, the whole Eragon series...). I guess that happens when you wish away all Sues.
-kA
She turned around. Where was everyone? Hadn’t Spellcheque from DTE been standing just over there, talking to Makes-Things? Where was the rest of DoSAT?
“Hellooooo?” Alberta said. “Where is everyone?” Had Makes-Things been captured? She couldn’t let anything happened to her crush boss!
But before she could say anything else, she was interrupted from a message from the intercom.
“Message from the Board of Department Heads...”
Does this mean that non-Suvians recruited from universes with Canon Sues will disappear too? Even if the fic of origin was good?
Aaah! David Null has murdered maybe half the PPC! (That will have consequences, I expect...)
But, yeah, that will probably have consequences for someone. David? Maybe. But K was responsible for bringing a possibly-Suvian artifact AND not expecting it to not be taken seriously AND for giving it to David. And then there's the mission in general (whoever sent the mission to obtain said coin) and maybe a little further back. Did K obtain the coin from someone else? Maybe, maybe not.
It just depends on how things go and how deep this rabbit hole is. Long, long way doooown.
-kA
I was more thinking "original references to said universe from goodfic without Sues (so not good parody fic) just go away" rather than "everyone from Canon Sue universes are also dead" because this is far along and some agents already shown to be here could be from them. If there are no agents from goodfic from those universes, then yes.
Otherwise, if the species is Suvian in nature (IE HoN vampyres), then the character is gone, no matter the quality. If not, then just references to the goodfic and the original canon are gone now.
If there are, again, no goodfic agents present from destroyed canon universes, then "everyone from those Canon Sue universes are also dead," whether they were from goodfic or not.
-kA, who misspelled vampyres in O'Ryan dialogue but is keeping it under the guise of "the original word is now gone for some reason from O'Ryan's mental dictionary."
Deirdre's world is hardly described at all, I just realized. I should do something about that.
Wait, would Boadicea, a Terrarian agent who I haven't really done anything with besides RP on the Discord, disappear as well? She does, ah, have powers on account of being from Terraria, i.e. not staying dead if she gets killed, a small hammerspace inventory (or maybe just a large backpack, I'm not sure), and she probably heals faster than a normal human. Come to that, I'm not sure she is human. I am trying to write her as non-Sueishly as possible. I don't really have everything planned out for her backstory, but it's something like this.
After Seth, the Guide, dies and she fights and kills Wall of Flesh, she starts climbing back up to the surface. On the way up through the caves, she falls through a plothole into the PPC HQ. She wanders around, filching food from RCs and getting into a few fights with agents because of it, and eventually gets her own RC and partner and things go on from there. I haven't decided if she's going to meet Rebecca and Deirdre, though.))
So that's:
Don't assume that just because your characters have powers that they are Sues. That leads people into writing rock partridge characters*. Just have other characters and the setting behave plausibly towards this character and their powers. Boadicea can't die? Neither can Jacques Bonnefoy, since he's a Jack Harkness character replacement. He has Lots of Thoughts about this. His immortality also means he can face down overpowered Sues in ESAS. Boadicea has a Bag of Holding? So does Liu Siyuan, a ton of Time Lords, and any agents that have obtained Bags of Holding. The Disentangler uses her bigger-on-the-inside pockets to hold comically large objects.
Suvians aren't defined by the powers they have, or what they look like. They're defined by how other people and the canon react to them. Give Boadicea whatever powers you want for her, but think about how Rebecca and Deirdre would react to those powers. Give Boadicea whatever personality traits you want for her, but think about the pros and cons of those traits. (Ex: If she's determined, she could also be stubborn at the wrong time. If she's loyal, she could be blindly following someone who means harm simply because they were nice to her, etc) That's how you can best avoid Suedom.
*Nothing wrong with rock partridges as a bird, ofc.
((It just sounds like having canon powers, being from World One, and coming from a fiction you wrote yourself. They wouldn't be gone.))
((If Deirdre coming from an original world would disappear, then so would... uh, every one of my agents except Kittyauthor and Paye. And they are still alive, so Deirdre should be fine also.))
((-kA))
... because in the game, Terraria characters can get pretty absurdly OP.))
There's only like five pages of official lore. Now that I think about it, there doesn't really seem to be a lot of Sueishness to begin with. There is a good chunk of body horror because the Corruption and Crimson are gross. I think it could potentially be written as a grimdark thing. Or something like that. The player character "hero" does some decidedly unheroic things. Such as killing the Guide and fighting the Wall of Flesh to gain more power and and massively screw up the world in general. I believe it is up to interpretation whether that whole business was intentional.
"You know what would make our lives easier?" K asked, spinning around a small golden coin on the desk.
"If I wasn't kidnapped into this qnza organization," David Null replied. "Then I wouldn't be spending time here with you."
"Wishing for money," K said, ignoring David. "We'd get enough money to buy our way out of here!"
"Pfff," David replied. "Like the Flowers would actually let that happen. We'd have to buy the organization out for that to happen. I think HQ's worth is set at, what, ten quintillion American dollars? No way we'd get that much." He sat up in his chair for about two seconds, fixing his sitting position, before leaning back once more. "We'd have to get filthy shpxing rich for us to buy this place out."
"Maybe weapons," K said, flipping the gold coin.
"Maybe we can convince half of PPC to buy the gold coin you're shpxing with," David replied sarcastically.
"Well, we could," K said, "because this is a wishing coin."
David sat up.
"You're shpxing with me," David deadpanned.
"No," K said. "This is a wishing coin. Enchanted to give exactly one wish."
"Yeah, you're shpxing with me," David replied, relaxing. "No way in Uryy is that real."
"It's as real as me or you," K said. He tossed the coin to David. "How about you make a wish?"
"It's fake," David said. "If I said, 'I wish all Sues would disappear,' nothing would-"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
"Mission time," David said. He tossed the coin back to K, then turned to the console. "Mission tim- wait."
Dear Mr. Null,
I don't know what happened! I didn't do it! But Matt and Natalie are gone!
[BEEEEEEEEEP!]
"Oh, shut up!" David yelled, slamming the mute button, ice settling on his heart.
WARNING! RED CODE ALERT! SUES HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM BADFICS AND MISSIONS! RED ALERT! STAY INSIDE YOUR RC AT ALL COSTS! RED ALERT!
"I shpxed up," David muttered. He then passed out.
David, don't play with mysterious coins! But, hey, I wanted to write A Thing and I might end up writing this AU. Who knows?
And, to be clear, this is an AU, not an Emergency. Please no one panic.
-kA, who is not angry but is wondering why they wrote this.
Lori Starrett looked up at the sound of klaxons. "What's going on?" she demanded. "Did Mandy pull the fire alarm again?"
Her husband Bill shook his head. "That's not what the fire alarm sounds like," he pointed out. "Maybe Helen or Niamh will have more information."
The door to the De-Glitterifier room (with said De-Glitterifier still under repairs) opened and Dr Niamh Tran came running out, blonde and panicking. "Something's happened -- all the test subjects have disappeared!"
Lori blinked. "Disappeared?" she echoed.
"Vanished in puffs of Urple smoke," clarified Niamh. Her phone suddenly rang. "Hold on, lemme get this."
Bill and Lori exchanged a look. "So the Suvians have vanished," said Bill, just as a nearby console pinged with a message. "Scratch that, apparently all Suvians have vanished."
"Isn't that a good thing?" wondered Lori. "This whole organisation is dedicated to eradicating them, and if they've all just vanished..."
"Would sorta put us out of a job," Bill pointed out. "And it's not like anyone back home will believe us anymore when we tell them what we've been up to for more than a decade."
"We'd probably end up transferred to the MRD or something," said Lori, "though that's not exactly a difficult change. But if Sues are gone, then what's the point of a De-Glitterifier?"
Bill sighed. "And DMS agents would probably have to transfer out to other departments."
Lori's phone then vibrated with a message. She pulled it out. "It's from Liam," she reported, as Niamh strode back into the room. "Anything, Niamh?"
"Apparently there's a party in the Cafeteria," reported Niamh, "celebrating the vanishing of all Suvians. What's Liam saying?"
"I haven't read it yet," said Lori. But when she did, her heart began to sank:
Something's happened
A bunch of my classmates just disappeared
Did you and dad do something?
"Some of Liam's classmates are also gone," Lori announced. "He's wondering if we did anything."
"Nothing beyond what we usually do," said Niamh, crossing her arms. "Does he know which kids?"
Lori texted the question to Liam. Bill's own phone rang, too, and he sighed when he saw the caller ID. "It's Christianne and Eledhwen."
Lori groaned. "We need to stop taking their calls. They just keep using us for stuff."
"This could be serious, though," Bill pointed out. "We should at least make sure they haven't vanished, right?"
Lori snorted at the implication that Christianne and Eledhwen were of Suvian origin. "You talk to them," she said, just as Liam messaged back with a list of names. "Oh, no."
"Oh, no?" echoed Bill and Niamh.
"Most of the kids on the list are badfic rescues," said Lori. "That, plus the Sues in our experiment room --"
Bill frowned, and put his phone on speaker. A panicked scream rang out, causing the three scientists to wince.
"--I LOOKED AWAY FROM MURIEL FOR JUST ONE SECOND AND THEN SHE'S GONE!" shrieked Christianne's voice. "I tried calling John, too, but he's not picking up his phone, and neither are his friends --"
"He has friends?" wondered Bill.
"Yeah, I don't know how that happened, but I guess when you get in trouble for opening a plothole to Rollercoaster Tycoon together you end up becoming friends." Christianne's sigh rustled like static. "I'll call Jacques."
"Isn't Agent Bonnefoy a badfic rescue, too?" asked Lori, in spite of herself.
"I'll call Jacques," repeated Christianne in a voice of increased panic before hanging up the call. Bill looked over at Lori, his eyebrows raised.
Lori groaned. "Fine. We'll go help them look for their missing children. But we're picking up Liam first."
Also fascinated by the concept. Also an AU!
Carlisle Cressington yawned and opened his eyes. He was glad Mina's ability to thwart the Ironic Overpower allowed him to take naps.
Wait a minute. Where was she? As he last recalled, she had been running around, trying to reenact some weird meatloaf disaster using their minis or something. It wasn't like her to run off without waking him up. He frowned. Actually, where were their mini-Aragogs? All the cages were empty.
Obviously she was trying to prank him somehow. "Mina, I know you're there somewhere. And this RC is not large enough for hide-and-seek. Please reveal yourself posthaste."
He waited a minute before trying again. "Mina, I know you've done someth--"
He was interrupted by a loud [BLEEEEEEEEEPMESSAGEFROMTHEBOARDOFDEPARTMENTHEADSBLEEEEEP!!!!!]
A message from the Board of Department Heads--For unknown reasons, all Suvians have completely ceased to exist. All personnel must report to their RCs. Repeat, report to your RC.
((Mina and Carlisle first appeared in this RP. This time, Carlisle will shine. Also, they're coming to a Permission Request near you! Soon as I can figure out hosting. And yeah, the console BLEEPs.))
K picked up the ringing RC phone.
"Hello?" he said.
"D-David?" answered Paye, her voice wobbly.
"No, it's Agent K," K responded. "Are you o-"
Paye began hysterically sobbing.
"Uh, um, uhhh," K stumbled. He was never good at responding to crying students. Why didn't he hang up the dang phone?
He heard the phone crackle, and Paye's sobs became distant.
"David Null, are you there?" asked a different voice, hard as stone.
"This is not David," K said. "This is his new partner, K."
"Well, then you shouldn't... wait." Whoever was behind the phone cleared their throat. "Is David Null alive?"
K looked over at David. His sides gently rose and fell.
"Yeah," K responded. "Just asleep."
"Paye, you can stop crying now," the voice said. "He's alive, just asleep. Is your RC door locked, by any chance?"
"I haven't checked," K responded. "May I ask why?"
"Our door is locked," the voice said. "There is apparently a party in the Cafeteria, but the doors to most RCs are locked. I just checked with O'Ryan Keys."
"Well, uh, I guess stay where you are," K responded lamely. He hung up.
"Matt and Natalie are gone," K muttered. "I wonder what else is affected?"
...
"I find it odd that even the Spirits we were suppose to attack are gone now, too," O'Ryan said. The sleeve of his suit dripped onto the concrit floor. It was once covered in glitter (purple, to be exact, from a certain mass mpreg fanfic) but now was just wet. With what, O'Ryan didn't dare guess.
Kittyauthor lay on the floor, curled up, thanking the Heavens and Whitney that she was unaffected.
"With you alive," O'Ryan said to his partner, "we know it doesn't affect former gods, thank goodness. But, what else does it affect?"
Insert disclaimer about this being an AU I promise here.
-kA
Zara stared at the place where her partner had been. “Dia?”
Sparklepire or not, she was pretty sure they weren’t supposed to vanish in puffs of glitter like that. Maybe she should call someone? Meg would probably know about stuff like that.
She rang her up. “Meg?”
The demon answered in her usual Cockney accent. “‘Ello, human. Is… somethin’ wrong? I mean, we just got that weird call to stay in our RC’s and my door is locked, but beyond that, is there somethin’ else?”
“Dia’s gone and Thalia isn’t picking up,” she answered. “And I don’t have Doom’s phone number.”
There was a pause on the other side of the phone, filled only with crackling static.
“Gone? Wotcha mean, gone?”
Zara scratched Bella’s ears, quietly thanking whatever had taken her partner hadn’t taken her pets. “Gone. Like vanished in a puff of glitter type of gone. Should I call up Paye? I think I have her number after that mission.”
There was a scratching sound before Meg answered. “I mean, I guess? Maybe she’d know somethin’. I’m going to try and revert back to my normal form and see wot the hell is going on.”
((I’m aware that Coco and Bella probably should be gone too since they’re badfic characters but losing both her pets and her partner would break Zara. And the last thing HQ needs is another agent gone flamethrower crazy, especially an agent with Bloodwrath))
"Hmm?" David Null said. He lifted his head from the console panel.
Multiple messages flashed and flickered, several from other agents panicking at partners disappearing, some panicking about where their minis went (while other apparently still had theirs), someone demanding who was behind all of this...
David put his head back down, torn between whether this was a nightmare or if he just caused a world-ending event.
Riiiiiing
Click
"Hello?" K said, presumably to the phone. David couldn't tell.
"Paye no longer lives here," K replied. "I don't recommend calling her. She's in... a sensitive state."
"Cut the fuvg and say she's crying," David muttered. He was used to (too used to) the way K talked around things. K, in David's eyes, sugar-coated fuvg so much that he could rot teeth. K probably thought David was too harsh.
"I won't give out her number," K replied.
Clack
"David, you up?" K asked, roughly shaking the vampire.
David growled and swatted K's hands away. Did the man already forget how much he hated being touched? Apparently. David forced his head up from the console again and turned off the monitor.
"You know-" K started.
"Don't shpxing dare," David replied. He got up and went towards the door. "I'm gonna go comfort Paye."
"The door, it's uh..." K trailed off.
David tried the doorknob. It wouldn't budge.
"It's locked," he growled. "Guess they already know who shpxed up their universe, huh?" He laughed. "Guess I screwed up big time, huh?"
"David, please," K said. "You're not-"
"Cut the fuvg," David replied. He kicked the door. "I just caused a mass extinction event. Matt's gone. I'm pretty sure our minis are gone. Any badfic character is gone. Everyone, anything. And now I'm stuck, waiting punishment."
"Well, all RC doors are locked, I think," K said.
"Sure," David replied.
"No, I'm serious!" K said. "Paye partner said so! They said that they called O'Ryan and his door is locked!"
"Oh, so now we're hostages?" David asked. "I wonder how everyone is doing in World One. I hope my family is not held like us."
"They're not agents, right?" K asked.
"Oh uryy no," David replied. "They never were. I outright said for them not to."
"Then maybe not," K said.
David walked to his bed and sat down.
"How long was I out?" David asked.
"Pribably an hour? Two, maybe," K replied.
"I need to think," David said. "Mind leaving me alone for, uh, thirty minutes?"
"We can't leave!" K exclaimed.
"There's a bathroom," David said. "Through the gray cabinet. I need some time alone to think."
-kA
Btw, I noticed a mini-Agent, Davis.))
But that does sound fun. Maybe someone was messing around with some Infinity Stones better left un-messed-with?
see: Tawaki's Key to Canon and Mirror Multiverse arcs.
But if this hypothetical World Without Suvians/Snap thing were to happen, it would have to be out of continuity simply because it changes a foundational aspect of the PPC and affects everyone's spinoffs. It was originally floated as a "what if", but I just wanted to mention it again before we get too carried away with hypotheticals.
The next question would be, of course, if all Suvian life got dusted, what would the parametres be? A certain amount of Glitter in someone's blood? Do agents who have Sue Trackers get dusted since they're being observed for borderline Suedom, or is it solely people who hail from badfics? In that case, what happens to folks like Agent Ithalond, or numerous Nursery children?
So, anyone with a Sue Tracker (which would include my upcoming Agent Mina) would lose all Suvian aspects of their personality. I guess badfic agents are gone in some cases, as that's what kA did. Let's see what happens next...
And yeah, very much not canon.
Honestly, it's like watching a bunch of kids bickering over who's got whose PE kit.
"Karen?"
Karen looked over her shoulder. "Yeah, Al?"
"Are you sure this is helping?"
She rolled her eyes. "Of course it's not helping. I'm just being a cow. It's more fun that way. Besides, how many times do you hear people talking about us like we're a pale imitation of what the Multiverse Monitor And/Or Monitors do? I reckon they're due a little payback."
Al's forehead ticked gently while he thought. "Wait, I've literally never heard anyone say that."
"And furthermore," said Karen, who'd built up a head of steam by now, "why should we be the inferior copy? None of these publications have any serious journalistic traditions, it's just newsletters! And yeah, they write long articles that aren't bullet-pointed lists, but we credit the authors properly and anyway I can't type that fast!"
"The Cube tried to find you again, didn't it."
"What, and that would make me feel insecure? Unsafe somehow? Like I was gonna be drawn back in and spat out again when it was done with me? Like nothing I did that didn't involve it was every worth anything? Don't be daft. You'd know if that happened. I'd be in my recliner chair checking my bug-out bag was ready. And I already did that, so I'm fine now!"
"You're not fine, are you?"
Karen's shoulders slumped, and she looked back at the screen. "... No, Al. No I'm not."
The screensaver had come on. A brightly-coloured beach ball bounced around the darkness. In depths, there were two eyes, and the ghost of a face. It shook, just a little.
Al walked over slowly and stood beside Karen, his arm falling across her shoulders, slow and gentle as his words. "You don't have to be. You won't lose us if you're not."
There was a long silence. "I know." Another one, quicker, darker. "I do know that. I promise."
"Okay." Al squeezed her shoulders and stood straight. "Your therapy group's later today, isn't it? I'll get Bogbrush to handle this, he's not got much on."
"He never does, Al. He's a toilet brush, he doesn't wear clothes." It was a weak joke, but it wrung a laugh out of Al and a smile out of Karen, watery and fragile but real. "I'm off back to my RC. Gonna have the door down for a bit. I think I need the quiet."
"You do that," Al said. He watched her hop down from the seat and head towards her RC. It wasn't normal for Infrastructure departments to have those; then again, it wasn't normal for RCs to be made of piled-up tins of spaghetti hoops. You did things for your friends.
Al checked the intra-departmental message board for anything from the Shallot or Bogbrush. The latter was currently having a spirited debate (or absolute flaming row) about who was in charge of the Real Conspiracy, so he was indisposed; the former was currently circling back to an in-depth reupping of his core competencies, which meant he was playing golf again. He sighed, closed the tabs, and brought up a new PageMaker document. You did things for your friends. He selected a random number, selected a second one that Will Shock You, cracked his knuckles, and began to write.
The finest in yellow journalism!
Inconceivable! It seems there are at least THREE MARY SUE publications within the halls of our very own Headquarters? Is this a silly gag perpetuated by some pranksters, or is this something DEEPER and potentially RUINOUS!?
Here is Agent Joan, whose words are being transcribed without any editing whatsoever:
You see, I told you! I told you all! It's the Flowers! They're doing this! Making us think we're crawling with rats, making them, ooh they make them all, they're responsible for all of this! They think they can get away with it, but a new day, a Crisis, a REVOLUT - OW! PLEASE! NOT THAT! I WAS KIDDING I SWEAR! OH PLEASE NO! ANYTHING BUT THE UNCOMFORTABLY WARM AND MOIST PILLOW! PLEASE! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU-
(TRANSMISSION TERMINATED)
Fascinating! Who did this? Why would they? Was Joan right? Has my microwave casserole finished cooking? All will be revealed in our pages eventually! Keep your eyes peeled, Agent! We'll follow this story as it develops... as soon as we can find Agent Joan's RC.
SEE YOU AT THE NEXT ISSUE OF
The Gossip Monitor makes no statement as to the validity of anything published on these pages. The Gossip Monitor has no responsibility for any consequences that may come from you publishing your stories in it, whether it is libel suits, hangnails, or getting your door kicked down at three in the morning by an angry mob. Contact Archivist Sarkan if you have a story you'd like to share - the Monitor would be nothing without YOUR input! A small fee is requested for our publication of your stories, we will accept payment in any good or service except for cashews, both because the "cash-ew" joke is old and because one of our new interviewers is allergic. If someone can find the Mary Sue publication sources, a cash prize of all the cashews we were given will be awarded. Please. There are so many cashews, we don't even know how they got there. Please do not sue us for libel, we can only pay you in cashews if we are found guilty.
No really, I am.
(TRANSCRIPTION START:)
"Mm... cashews..."
"Sarkan! What are you-"
"Cashew time."
"But-"
"Cashews."
"But you said not to be paid in-"
"When we run out of cashews I'll accept them as money again."
"But they-"
"We have too many right now. I'm fixing it."
(TRANSCRIPTION END)
In lieu of tree nuts, please fortify your will to live by alternative means, like screaming at your creator for making you unable to enjoy cashews.
Legal disclaimer blah blah blaaaaaah please don't sueeeeeeeeeeeeee it would really suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Dear Archivist Sarkan,
It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorised use of the name "New Multiverse Monitor" in conjunction with a publication not authored by the editorial team of the New Multiverse Monitor. We, the editorial team at RC 2536, are the current authors of the publication "New Multiverse Monitor" and thus the correct holders of the publication name.
In addition, you have made several libelous claims regarding our status and readership, most notably that "nobody paid for this publication" and that it was "lost to the ether". Both statements are erroneous, as we have been continuously publishing since 2011 HST.
We request that you cease and desist all operations pertaining to the unauthorised usage of our name and the printing of false claims regarding our publication. Failure to correct may result in your publication being held liable for any damages we have suffered as a result of your libel and infringement.
It is in our best interest -- and yours -- that this issue be settled amicably to avoid further legal remedies as provided by the bylaws of PPC City New Caledonia.
Sincerely,
Nita Incog, EIC New Multiverse Monitor
((No, she didn't read about the subsequent name change. Yes, you're free to run a third MM in concurrence with mine and hS's MMs. For reference, I did the 2013 incarnation, and Nita and Anon were spotted interviewing the Ellimist last year, so they're still around! ~Lily))
Wait, are you the same as the other guys saying to be the Monitor? We changed our name already in accordance with the prior Cease & Desist.
We tried asking Legal about all of this but they just screamed and threw eggs at us.
We're very sorry for any inconvenience.
That on-fire trash can of fake news have no connection to us. We are but a humble team of actual journalists dedicated to bringing actual news to the hardworking citizens of Headquarters. We pride ourselves on our journalistic integrity and actual utilisation of sources and research. Do not ever mistake us for them.
Nita Incog, EIC New Multiverse Monitor
((Nita might have high-minded ideals, but NMM is really a bit like Buzzfeed News in terms of fluff and clickbait with the occasional hard-hitting investigative piece.))
We changed our name when asked politely! Also we are RESPECTABLE journalists who help connect the Agents with one another on a deep level and... oh dear, Jerry just got an overdose of Irony, someone get him to Medical, I don't think he took writing that all too well.
Legal disclaimer: please do not blame us for the lawsuits and countersuits.
We were Multiverse Monitor until the return of the Old MM, then to differentiate between our editorial teams, we switched to New Multiverse Monitor. You specifically named your publication the New Multiverse Monitor, ergo infringing on our existing claim to the name.
Nita Incog, EIC New Multiverse Monitor
"Return"? We never went away! We've been out here creating quality journalism since Day One!
On and off.
All right, a few missions got in the way. And that whole thing with enormous germs invading HQ, which I still think is too ridiculous to be true.
Breeze, you literally watched it happen.
Could've been a mass hallucination. Hey, we haven't run a mass hallucination story in a while! Did you hear Agent Suicide was seen running naked through the halls outside the DBS?
Um... no?
Me neither! But I bet if we ask around we'll find someone who did. To the Respectablejournalismmobile!
~Starwind Rohana
- Estelnar Celebduin (editors, REAL Multiverse Monitor)
then your issues from 2007-sometime post-2013 have all gone missing. Perhaps they're trapped in null space. You should go check.
Nita Incog, EIC New Multiverse Monitor
And you can't steal our cashews.
Nyeh.
We wll sue you! Bcause we’re Suez! Geddit, cuz were suvain?
((Sigh. The pun. It had to be made.))
We're gonna call ourselves teh Multiverse Mornitor 2!
((Sigh. This newspaper is terrible.))
Did you know that it only takes two matches to (MESSAGE REDACTED. THALIA, STOP GIVING AGENTS TIPS ON HOW TO BLOW THINGS UP- THE EDITOR).
Ugh, fine. You guys are boring. Did you know that Agent Lux has (MESSAGE REDACTED FOR INAPPROPRIATE COTENT- THE EDITOR).
Really? I can’t give any good tips here! Ok, fine. I’m going to Starwind Rohana, she’ll let me publish stuff.
We didn't censor that.
We blame the Flowers.
As everyone of taste and discernment knows, the only TRUE source of journalism (yellow, blello, or octarine) in PPC HQ is the REAL Multiverse Monitor, which has been in continuous publication for, lemme just check, MANY YEARS.
For a given value of 'continuous', at least. Honestly, Breeze, do you have to pick a fight with every upstart New Monitor?
Yes! If I don't, who will?
Possible one of the other half-dozen claimants to the title.
NONE of whom DESERVE to use it. We created the Multiverse Monitor from the ground up! WE didn't steal any names-
I hear there's a blue elf who disagrees on that point.
--shaddup 'Stel, that doesn't count. The point is, OBJECTION!
~Starwind Rohana -Estelnar Celebduin (editors, REAL Multiverse Monitor)
((hS here; I had to, particularly since they have an issue out only two months ago. HQ's original tabloid journalists will always chime in when someone claims their name; it's best just to ignore them.))
(("Blue elf" - the first Multiverse Monitor in the PPC was a newsletter; the only surviving parts are editorials by Al's Waiter, the Blue Elf. ~hS))
Let's see what our very first response was!
See responded to message
Ah, it seems we had a chronological aberration. Headquarters Time is a lot like a pretzel that was thrown into a river, in that it's all soggy and twisted around. We were of the opinion that the Multiverse Monitor hadn't existed for five hundred thousand years. Or five minutes. Or both.
We will call ourselves the Gossip Monitor (The Finest In Yellow Journalism) henceforth to prevent any lawsuits or inconvenience to your business.
The Gossip Monitor is not liable for any libel suits, flamethrower attacks, wedgies, or other discomforts suffered as a consequence of sending stories to us. Please contact Archivist Sarkan if you wish to be published. He can be found if you look for him.
Here at teh Mary Sue Monitor, we help our Suvian friends abolish plotcontiuums, with good decent spelling!
All the best ways to seduse Legolas!
Avoiding PPc Agents!
How to have a tragic back story!
And more!
Sincerly, ((Either the EPC or League of Mary Sue Factories, whoever could more plausibly publish this.))
((Is this too much? I didn’t want to use any of my Agents yet, so I came up with this.))
how dare u steel are idea!!!111 teh editurs of teh Le Petit Sue r teh multiverzes premier magazine de la mode et la mode de vie Suvienne!!!!
((I once had a sample cover page of this hypothetical Mary Sue magazine floating around somewhere in the depths of my Tumblr. Someday I'll unearth it!
Yes the usage of the incorrect French adjective and article was intentional. ~Lily))
Hear @ the Mary Su Motiner, we know taht we are thw only origina newsapaper 4 Mari sues! Besides, hu like French aniway????
((Wow, the SPaG is atrocious, instead of merely bad. And I like that you used French. ))
pourquoi pas le francais??? c'est la langue d'amour et les suviennes aiment l'amour le plus fort dans la multiverse!!! u r just a haterzz!!!
((I grade Japanese high schoolers' essays for a living, so I have seen some very funny SPaG mistakes in my time. No chatspeak, though! Just some creative ways to spell "bird" and "frog".
J'appris le français au lycée et l'université, alors mes aptitudes n'est pas très courant :P))
We guzz what ? We spex sponysih! Etas ben, 2!1111 Tu etes oribla!
((My French isn’t too shabby. I think.))
((THE SPAG! IT HURTS!))
OUR OFFICE IS FILLED WITH GLITTER AND IT IS MIXING WITH THE CASHEWS PLEASE WHY.
Legal disclaimer, why are the cashews ruined...
We hat cashewz soooo much!111111 Kashewz r la plus maliest!1111 But Glittter iz la meilur! It will mak u a Suu 2!!
((There’s some butchered French in there too. Seriously, who writes this? Oh, wait....))
togETHER wiV le pOwer de Glitter, nous avons takE vOer le multiverse!!!11!
((something something a Voltron of Sue Publications))
C'est est! La Linguage de Love!!!111
I dug up the cover of 2013's Le Petit Sue! Behold:
I guess in 2013 I did use the correct article/adjective, but in 2006 when I first came up with the idea (and that was years before I started learning French) I had the wrong ones. I don't have the 2006 ones anymore because they were drawn in notebooks in between my homework and probably long-since tossed out.
I really do like. And, um, guess I accidentally stole your concept. Maybe the Mary Suniverse Monitor and Le Petite Sue can rivals.
Especially since LPS was mostly a joke on my end that never actually showed up in any PPC writing, haha.
Big Sue Magazine, you’re guide to ruining cannon!
((That’s their catchphrase. And I think this merger was a good idea.))
In all seriousness, wow. It looks like something I would find in my eye doctor's office (my eye doctor has some weird stuff) or something my aunt would give me.
Both of those are meant to be complimentary in this case. You did a really good job editing!
Now I wanna create a Sue who falls in love with the 11th doctor.
-kA
...then you could make her, and my Agents could end her.
-Ls, suggesting.
We at the Gossip Monitor have just received word from a Suvian publication! Inconceivable! Let's go talk to Patrol Officer Epsilion for an inside scoop on this sort of phenomenon.
"When I think about this, I think of that old quote of fighting monsters in the abyss, how you'll become one. We've all fought a lot of monsters and looked into a lot of abysses, so I think it's apt. Got to wonder. What sort of glitter-monsters are marinating in these walls? I think if an Agent doesn't crack, they start to glitter. Why else would I have a job?
We should cycle Agents. Keeping pairs is good, one can report if the other goes rotten, but we need vacation time. Our troops deserve it. Otherwise they start to glitter, and make stuff like that. Time is a knot here anyway. Better we do it slow than do it wrong.
For the DMS: You! Agent! Put down that glittery sword! It'll corrupt you! That rose-pink-gold katana of flame may seem a conversation piece, but it'll ruin you!"
Fascinating words, fascinating. Send your reports to the one and only:
We at the Gossip Monitor are not responsible for any libel suits, flamethrower attacks, wedgies, or spitballs thrown your way if your work is published here. All comments are written 'as is' and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of the owners or editors of the Gossip Monitor. If you wish to contribute to the Gossip Monitor, please reach out to Archivist Sarkan, and provide the appropriate publication fee.