It reads as follows:

"Wanna get in on the fun of writing for The Mathematical Monitor? Follow these easy steps:

And that's it! Submit your story (or stories!) and optional payment for your edition, and we send it to our main editor(s), the Sunflower Mathematician!

The bottom is torn a little, like someone didn't want it in their newspaper (and it is distinctly newspaper paper, not from a magizine) and just tore it out. How it ended up here, nobody knows.

Meanwhile, in the CPP, behind front stories of "Kittyauthor, author of CPP, graduates from [censored for privacy] High School!" lies a different story:

Is the PPC responsible for the warping of our beloved canons?

Written by Dr. Val Burner, Head of Division of Logic Coding, human. Edited by Sunflower Mathematician, Head of CPP in general, Flower

A piece of random paper was recently brought to the attention of the Head of Complete Department of Logic, O'Ryan Keys, with the following text as one of their stories:

Could the Flowers be "in on it?" We know that the Flowers are canon the PPC, right? Well, why do we exist? To get rid of Mary Sues, obviously. But what happens if there are no Sues? Well, the PPC wouldn't need to exist, would it? What would we do all day? I think we'd just go poof! All of us back to our original canon!

Think about it, think about it. Have you ever READ those papers the Flowers always shuffle around? No, you haven't. It's because they hide it, because it's SUES! SUES! ALL THE WAY DOWN!

"It's fairly plausible," said O'Ryan. "But it could just be a gossip monitor. I see "Multiverse Monitor" on the top of the page, like it belonged in a tabloid or something." O'Ryan is also quoted as saying that the paper is "promising, but highly unlikely to be anything of worth."

As a personal writer for years in this newspaper, I think it's nothing more than bull[censored] and that the CPP is [censored] logical. We should know better than to put an organization responsible for, and I shudder here, killing Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and Ary Ooos as the one to spawn them. That is my only comment.

The editor has nothing noteworthy to put, aside from a rant about "authors being fictional" being removed for off-topic reasons.

Back at the PPC, another ripped paper flutters down the halls of HQ, the title reading, "Is the PPC responsible for the warping of our beloved canons?" At the very corner, where no text from the paper lurks, a small mathematical equation is written: x² + 2y - 15(pi)×z = 17

Does the Gossip Monitor find this piece of paper? I don't know. That's up to Sier to decide :).

But, either way, have another fun little segment concerning the CPP for a moment.

-kA

(Last two edits were me trying to fix numbering. This time, it's a tense fix.)

(Edit 4?: Oh gods, I misspelled mathematical. Fixed!)

Honestly, it's like watching a bunch of kids bickering over who's got whose PE kit.

"Karen?"

Karen looked over her shoulder. "Yeah, Al?"

"Are you sure this is helping?"

She rolled her eyes. "Of course it's not helping. I'm just being a cow. It's more fun that way. Besides, how many times do you hear people talking about us like we're a pale imitation of what the Multiverse Monitor And/Or Monitors do? I reckon they're due a little payback."

Al's forehead ticked gently while he thought. "Wait, I've literally never heard anyone say that."

"And furthermore," said Karen, who'd built up a head of steam by now, "why should we be the inferior copy? None of these publications have any serious journalistic traditions, it's just newsletters! And yeah, they write long articles that aren't bullet-pointed lists, but we credit the authors properly and anyway I can't type that fast!"

"The Cube tried to find you again, didn't it."

"What, and that would make me feel insecure? Unsafe somehow? Like I was gonna be drawn back in and spat out again when it was done with me? Like nothing I did that didn't involve it was every worth anything? Don't be daft. You'd know if that happened. I'd be in my recliner chair checking my bug-out bag was ready. And I already did that, so I'm fine now!"

"You're not fine, are you?"

Karen's shoulders slumped, and she looked back at the screen. "... No, Al. No I'm not."

The screensaver had come on. A brightly-coloured beach ball bounced around the darkness. In depths, there were two eyes, and the ghost of a face. It shook, just a little.

Al walked over slowly and stood beside Karen, his arm falling across her shoulders, slow and gentle as his words. "You don't have to be. You won't lose us if you're not."

There was a long silence. "I know." Another one, quicker, darker. "I do know that. I promise."

"Okay." Al squeezed her shoulders and stood straight. "Your therapy group's later today, isn't it? I'll get Bogbrush to handle this, he's not got much on."

"He never does, Al. He's a toilet brush, he doesn't wear clothes." It was a weak joke, but it wrung a laugh out of Al and a smile out of Karen, watery and fragile but real. "I'm off back to my RC. Gonna have the door down for a bit. I think I need the quiet."

"You do that," Al said. He watched her hop down from the seat and head towards her RC. It wasn't normal for Infrastructure departments to have those; then again, it wasn't normal for RCs to be made of piled-up tins of spaghetti hoops. You did things for your friends.

Al checked the intra-departmental message board for anything from the Shallot or Bogbrush. The latter was currently having a spirited debate (or absolute flaming row) about who was in charge of the Real Conspiracy, so he was indisposed; the former was currently circling back to an in-depth reupping of his core competencies, which meant he was playing golf again. He sighed, closed the tabs, and brought up a new PageMaker document. You did things for your friends. He selected a random number, selected a second one that Will Shock You, cracked his knuckles, and began to write.

The Gossip Monitor

The finest in yellow journalism!

Inconceivable! It seems there are at least THREE MARY SUE publications within the halls of our very own Headquarters? Is this a silly gag perpetuated by some pranksters, or is this something DEEPER and potentially RUINOUS!?

Here is Agent Joan, whose words are being transcribed without any editing whatsoever:

You see, I told you! I told you all! It's the Flowers! They're doing this! Making us think we're crawling with rats, making them, ooh they make them all, they're responsible for all of this! They think they can get away with it, but a new day, a Crisis, a REVOLUT - OW! PLEASE! NOT THAT! I WAS KIDDING I SWEAR! OH PLEASE NO! ANYTHING BUT THE UNCOMFORTABLY WARM AND MOIST PILLOW! PLEASE! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU-

(TRANSMISSION TERMINATED)

Fascinating! Who did this? Why would they? Was Joan right? Has my microwave casserole finished cooking? All will be revealed in our pages eventually! Keep your eyes peeled, Agent! We'll follow this story as it develops... as soon as we can find Agent Joan's RC.

SEE YOU AT THE NEXT ISSUE OF

THE GOSSIP MONITOR

The Gossip Monitor makes no statement as to the validity of anything published on these pages. The Gossip Monitor has no responsibility for any consequences that may come from you publishing your stories in it, whether it is libel suits, hangnails, or getting your door kicked down at three in the morning by an angry mob. Contact Archivist Sarkan if you have a story you'd like to share - the Monitor would be nothing without YOUR input! A small fee is requested for our publication of your stories, we will accept payment in any good or service except for cashews, both because the "cash-ew" joke is old and because one of our new interviewers is allergic. If someone can find the Mary Sue publication sources, a cash prize of all the cashews we were given will be awarded. Please. There are so many cashews, we don't even know how they got there. Please do not sue us for libel, we can only pay you in cashews if we are found guilty.

Dear Archivist Sarkan,

It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorised use of the name "New Multiverse Monitor" in conjunction with a publication not authored by the editorial team of the New Multiverse Monitor. We, the editorial team at RC 2536, are the current authors of the publication "New Multiverse Monitor" and thus the correct holders of the publication name.

In addition, you have made several libelous claims regarding our status and readership, most notably that "nobody paid for this publication" and that it was "lost to the ether". Both statements are erroneous, as we have been continuously publishing since 2011 HST.

We request that you cease and desist all operations pertaining to the unauthorised usage of our name and the printing of false claims regarding our publication. Failure to correct may result in your publication being held liable for any damages we have suffered as a result of your libel and infringement.

It is in our best interest -- and yours -- that this issue be settled amicably to avoid further legal remedies as provided by the bylaws of PPC City New Caledonia.

Sincerely,
Nita Incog, EIC New Multiverse Monitor

((No, she didn't read about the subsequent name change. Yes, you're free to run a third MM in concurrence with mine and hS's MMs. For reference, I did the 2013 incarnation, and Nita and Anon were spotted interviewing the Ellimist last year, so they're still around! ~Lily))

Did you know that it only takes two matches to (MESSAGE REDACTED. THALIA, STOP GIVING AGENTS TIPS ON HOW TO BLOW THINGS UP- THE EDITOR).

Ugh, fine. You guys are boring. Did you know that Agent Lux has (MESSAGE REDACTED FOR INAPPROPRIATE COTENT- THE EDITOR).

Really? I can’t give any good tips here! Ok, fine. I’m going to Starwind Rohana, she’ll let me publish stuff.

As everyone of taste and discernment knows, the only TRUE source of journalism (yellow, blello, or octarine) in PPC HQ is the REAL Multiverse Monitor, which has been in continuous publication for, lemme just check, MANY YEARS.

For a given value of 'continuous', at least. Honestly, Breeze, do you have to pick a fight with every upstart New Monitor?

Yes! If I don't, who will?

Possible one of the other half-dozen claimants to the title.

NONE of whom DESERVE to use it. We created the Multiverse Monitor from the ground up! WE didn't steal any names-

I hear there's a blue elf who disagrees on that point.

--shaddup 'Stel, that doesn't count. The point is, OBJECTION!

~Starwind Rohana -Estelnar Celebduin (editors, REAL Multiverse Monitor)

((hS here; I had to, particularly since they have an issue out only two months ago. HQ's original tabloid journalists will always chime in when someone claims their name; it's best just to ignore them.))

(("Blue elf" - the first Multiverse Monitor in the PPC was a newsletter; the only surviving parts are editorials by Al's Waiter, the Blue Elf. ~hS))