Subject: Who Is The Cashew Man?
Author:
Posted on: 2022-05-15 18:13:32 UTC

"You're making a dreadful mistake," Wojtek said evenly, watching as Sarkan hefted a sledgehammer.

"The readers want to know, and I need to tell them. Plus it'll be-"

"I can't tell you what will happen when you do that, but I can tell you it will be ugly," Wojtek said.

"Why can't you-"

"Because it won't be funny," Epsilion cut in, "I've sent a wire to FicPsych and Finance already. Whiskey? We're getting out of here."

Wojtek sighed, following Epsilion as the two strode out of Sarkan's office, cashews crunching under their boots as they did so.

Sarkan eyed his target, which seemed awfully thin. The Fourth Wall. He slowly rocked back with his hammer, before striking it firmly.


"Well, I told him," Epsilion deadpanned, prodding Sarkan's unconscious form with his boot.

"What do you think he asked?" Wojtek wondered.

"Don't ask. He probably asked about the cashews."

"What does any of this have to do with that parallel PPC?"

"Cashews. Scrap of their paper said they were having cashew problems."

"Do you reckon the Department of Finance will-"

"Absolutely."

"Should we send an op-ed to these individuals on the nature of Sues?"

"What do you mean, Whiskey? I've seen enough "logic" in the PPC to know it won't work. Logic doesn't make sense here, so any logical argument we construct will be logical to us and ergo illogical to them. If we're convinced by it, it won't convince them, and if we're not convinced by it, it probably won't convince them either. Better to observe, not waste our breath. I remember ways back someone said math actually hurt Sues. It's why-"

"How do you remember this with your-" Wojtek started.

"Look, I forgot how I remembered."

"That's not how it-"

"Yes. Shut up. It works like that. I scribbled it down in my notes. Memories come in and out of my head. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget."

"I'd rather forget we had this conversation."

"Agreed."


The Gossip Monitor

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Note from the editor: refrain from breaking the Fourth Wall, Sarkan cannot feel his teeth and has been buried under a pile of cashews. Also the Finance department is suing us to pay for the repairs.

We will pay them in cashews. Because they're cash-ews.

Please send us stories to publish you can publish anything

Have you seen Agent Joan?

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