Ticket to Ride Â– Chapter 1

Subject: Ticket to Ride Â– Chapter 1
Author: HrnmsGrbrd
Posted on: 2016-09-20 22:46:00 UTC

The person at the door turned out to be Minerva McGonagall. The agents hid in a room as Sarah passed them to go downstairs, then crept out and watched the action from the top of the stairs.

Undead!Sarah and the Correctors, well hidden under the Invisibility Cloak that miraculously fitted all three of them, watched the Floaters, disguised as Gryffindor students, watching McGonagall and the Williams family discussing the revelation that Sarah is a witch. "This Sarah looks exactly like our visitor," whispers Androia, as if I wouldn’t notice this myself. But from standing so close to our Sue, I can tell that they certainly don’t smell alike. How did she get between us anyway? This was supposed to be cuddling time.

McGonagall proceeded to explain, that since the Headmaster wanted Sarah to start her training from the basics, she could be given a potion, called Reincarna, that would turn her into an eleven-year-old.
“Charge for inventing an non-canonical potion,” the female student said.

"That’s the Radioactive Moss Creature, also known as RMC," whispered the agent whose name is still unrevealed. "Keep this in mind for future reference. The boy is Mittens, apparently some sort of minor devil from some sort of hell."

"How do you know, master?" whispered Androiaavata back. "They do not look like a devil and a moss creature."

"Remember that I remember everything I’ve seen in the archives. I expected this mission coming to us since I arrived in the PPC." But there was this nagging doubt. Misrepresented the story? Should I have actually read the glaurunging thing, not just the mission report?

Meanwhile, McGonagall finished a monologue with something that might be called a sentence, although it didn’t end with a full stop. "If you decide to go through this the potion will be send, together with the things Miss Williams would need for her first year and a ticket for the Hogwarts Express"

“Again, heredity does not work that way, and since when do you need tickets for the Hogwarts Express?” the RMC asked.

"There it is," hissed Undead!Sarah. "Charge them!"

“… tickets for the Hogwarts Express,” Mittens repeated as he wrote the charges.

"They can’t blame me for Rowling never bringing it up again after chapter six," whined the undead Sue.

"So, should we hit them with the book you certainly brought with you, master?"

"Not yet. There’s no single point of intervention here. We have to watch more, and we need to get this [expletive not translated] note book."

Sensing her partner’s gloomy mood, Androiaavata decided to brush his ego a bit more, lest his anger might fall back unto her. "Please enlighten me, master. If everything Miss Williams needs will be send to her, does she ever visit Diagon Alley? Should she be charged for not being chosen by her wand?"

"Doesn’t matter. We aren’t here to add to a charge list that’s already ridiculously long."

"I hope you two aren’t trying to avoid taking any action by discussing technicalities," scolded Undead!Sarah.

The other Sarah was no longer in sight; apparently she had left short after McGonagall, and if she had gone upstairs to her room, Mittens and the RMC had somehow avoided to be seen by her. Androiaavata had been too distracted to know what exactly had happened, but now the Floaters were downstairs, neuralyzing the two adults and sending them back to their canon along with the baby, then they vanished through a portal. A sudden time distortion made the agents stumble, and they had to cling to Undead!Sarah. Ten days later she faced a mirror, holding a crystal vial containing a turquoise liquid.

The human, the night elf, and the undead Sue were thrown against the mirror, and the agents watched in horror as Undead!Sarah diffused through the Invisibility Cloak and melted with the mirror image that indisputably was hers as well as the other Sarah’s.

"For a new life" she muttered, raising the potion in solitary toast "Cheers"

"Now that’s a kind of mirror magic I didn’t expect," muttered the male agent, wrapping his arm around Androiaavata’s waist to steady her as the fic yanked them both six years forward into a compartment of the Hogwarts Express.

"I am glad that she is gone," whispered the night elf, unwrinkling her nose and giving in to the embrace. "This stench was unbearable." The human agent laid a finger on her lips to silence her. After all, the Sue, now two years older then she had been before she drank the Reincarna potion, was in the same compartment and there was nothing to distract her but dwelling in her own thoughts and memories and the dreams of a ballroom dance.

As soon as the Sue had fallen asleep, the male agent removed his finger from Androiaavata’s lips and fumbled for the remote activator and Undead!Sarah’s list of important information. "When she wakes up, we’re suddenly in a potions class," he murmured. "And I don’t intend to be yanked through all the [expletive not translated] flashbacks and elsewhere-scenes Mittens and the RMC had to watch. So, the Sue’s other complaint refers to FFN1711100-6/3/24. That’s about one third through the mission."

The agents stepped through the portal and arrived in the middle of a battle, or at least a duel. A Death Eater fell onto the floor of the Great Hall, felled by Sarah’s leg-locking curse, but still able to set an indeterminate number of non-canonical Deathstrike snakes on Sarah, using his snake-animagus parseltongue skills. Sarah conjured a ring of fire around her to ward of the snakes. The Death Eater quickly conjured a thunderstorm inside the Great Hall.

Thick, heavy rain soaked Sarah to the bone, making her robes, shirt, tie, socks and grey plaited skirt (things she wore under the robes… I've noticed that the School uniform is not reduced to black robes, including a white shirt and grey trousers/skirts and a tie with the House colours) stick to her skin as well as her long hair, that had freed itself from the remaining pins. The flames were quickly dying, much to the girl's horror and the snakes that hadn't been singed were ready to jump into action the moment the fire was out.

"Locking his tongue might have been more useful," commented Androiaavata. "Charge for in-fic and redundant author’s notes?"

"I told you already that we're not here to add to the charge list. Look out!"

The agent flung himself unto his partner and both landed in a mass of tangled limbs on the floor as a fireball hurtled over them. The deranged Invisibility Cloak did not hide them longer, but fortunately Mittens and the RMC, who had found a save and dry place from where to snark at the badfic, were too busy watching a touching scene (Sarah protecting the miraculously arrived house-elf Winky) being destroyed by the way Finian Bloodstone first cast a fireball from behind Sarah and then was jerked through the room like a puppet on invisible strings to cast another, undefined spell, this time standing in front of her. Sarah felt rather than saw the blood soak her attire, mixing with the wetness from the rain that had stopped moments ago.

While Sarah conjured an unbreakable crystal ball around Winky, and the Floaters wondered why she didn’t protect herself in the same way, the Death Eater muttered an enchantment to strengthen the magical barrier that kept Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley out of the Great Hall. Sarah hit the Death Eater with an uncanonical spell, and the barrier began to break, but Sarah was too weak from wounds and snake poison to defend herself any longer when the Death Eater recovered and casted the unforgivable killing curse. In the last possible moment, Ginny wished the Death Eater away, and Jareth the Goblin King returned into Sarah’s life.

Androiaavata and her partner, who had disentangled themselves and rearranged the Invisibility Cloak, creped out of the way as Saxo Cruore – no, Finian Bloodstone, he had not been recruited yet – was dragged to the Underworld. Having dealt with this, the Goblin King started to care for Sarah.

He seemed imposing even as he asked for help, the soaking girl tucked within his arms safely.
“Soaking?” the RMC asked. “When did she get wet?”
“He must have drooled on her some more, while we had our backs turned,” Mittens said.

"No, this Death Eater made it rain on her," whispered Androiaavata. The RMC did not hear her.

“Charge for making herself soaking, thereby creation horrible implications.”

“She should be taken to the Hospital Wing” Minerva McGonagall said with her usual no-nonsense tone of voice “Madam Promfrey will most likely be awake, don’t you think Albus?”

(To be continued)

Reply Return to messages

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

Say... Doesn't Fanfic Land usually open around now? by Iximaz on 2016-09-20 14:04:00 UTC Reply

That is, when's this year's Badfic Games?

Technical Loving (possibly NSFW) by zZzSwagMortzZz on 2016-09-26 05:36:00 UTC Reply

Ilraen and Farilan meet in DoSAT and things spiral out of control. Ilraen/Farilan/[spoilers]

Nume had sent Ilraen to DoSAT for a new CAD because they'd broken their last one recently and Nume didn't feel like going anywhere. When he god there, he noticed Farillan, who was trying to reassemble something. <Um ... hi>, Ilraen said hesidantly

Farilan turned some of her eyes, which had been focused on her work, towards Ilraen, surprised. <Hello.>, she said <What are you doing here?>

<Ah ... my partner needed a replacement CAD. He sent me to get one.>

<How fortunate, I have almost repaired this one.>

<I think he specified a new CAD, and not any of the "junk ones that are held together with duct tape". My partner is ... rather demanding.>

<Humans.>, Farillan grumbled. While she was wandering over to get a new CAD from the bin, she asked <How is your repair project going?>

<Poorly, I'm afraid. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.>

<Of course.>

Farilan looked at Ilraen. Really looked. And she realized he was a very handsome Andalite. She was taken aback for a moment, and then added: <I could also give you some pointers about other things, as well.>

<If you are referring to what I think you are, then I would certainly appreciate those pointers. I haven't had much opportunity to learn about such things.>

<I've found that, in such matters, a practical approach is best.> After Farilan said this, she strode over to Ilraen and jumped his bones. They started having a really good time on a lab bench. Makes-Things wouldn't mind, they figured, since the place was already a big mess.

While they were banging in a surprisingly empty lab, Amris floated in. He hadn't been looking for DoSAT, he'd just stumbled in. He noticed the two Andalites and could feel their minds slamming into each other just as their bodies were. He asked "Are you telepaths? Because if you are, I'd like to join in." Internally, he thought "It's been a while since I've gotten laid. There's not much around here I can hook up with, except maybe the Flowers, who are total prudes. Big let down."

<Uh ... Sure>, both of the Andalites replied, with a slight echo. Ilraen added <but I'm not sure how that would work. You don't seem to have, er, well ...>

"It's not a problem," Amris replied. "Drone sex is a meeting of the minds, after all."

Having said this, Amris joined Ilraen and Farilan in relieving some tension.

(A/N: I'm not good at sex scenes, so I wrote around those. Also, Ilraen and Farilan are such a cute couple!!! Amris is here because it felt too short lol)

(( OOC: I am aware that some elements of this might contradict Culture canon. I don't care. This is the badfic games, after all. ))
The Lost Sand Ninja by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-25 23:08:00 UTC Reply

Chapter One
Somewhere in Personnel...
"I still say getting booted to Personnel was unfair," ex-Agent Kara grumbled from behind a stack of paperwork. "I was trying to help!"

"By burying both of your coworkers, several interns, Agent Cooper, Agent Jack, and Luxury in hot sand up to their necks?" asked Quen. The secretary didn't do punishment detail, which was why the Marquis had called it "training a new hire and undersecretary."

Kara finished two files and shrugged. "It's supposed to be good for your circulation and pores. I did everything right, too. I passed out flyers, I got consent from everyone, I had Mittens and the RMC warn people about my powers so no one would scream, I made sure I didn't overdo it--"

"I notice 'telling the Flowers' doesn't appear in your list of precautions," the alien girl deadpanned.

Thud went Kara's head onto her desk, scattering paperwork. "Uuuuggggh. Mom was right. I never should've left Sunagakure."

"Someone would have killed you if you hadn't left."

"I'm already dead. This is payment for my crimes." Kara picked her head back up and put the completed files in her outbox. "Seriously, how many people work here, anyway? Counting the ones who don't go on missions?"

"You know, I don't think anyone's ever done the math on that," said Quen thoughtfully. "But no one's done the math on how many crewmen there are on the Enterprise, either."

"The what?" asked Kara, finishing three more files and picking up three more her headdesk had scattered.

Quen did a double-take. "You...you've never heard of the Enterprise?"

"Should I have?" said Kara.

"Er...no...?"

Kara shrugged again and passed the next week's cafeteria menus to the alien. "So, no big deal."

The girls were silent for a minute before Kara spoke up again. "There's one other thing I don't understand."

"Yes?"

"Why did Luxury show up when I never invited her, and how come I didn't notice her until Cooper screamed? Is she a ninja too?"

Now it was Quen's turn to headdesk. Repeatedly.

"What? It's a fair assumption!"

Author's note: Yay, comedy fic! Please review so I have a reason to write more about Kara's (not-) adventures!
2nd Fic in YEEEEAAARS by Void21194 on 2016-09-25 14:07:00 UTC Reply

S oI just wantd to sho the bestets most canin ship in the POC, so I hope you liek!

~~~

Ix relaxed in her RC reading a book.

And then suddenly, Charloote burst in the door! “HEY IX I GOT A PRESENT FOR U!”

Ix looked up from her book. “What prestnt? It’s not my brithday.

And then Charlotte bounded up superfast and kissed her. “It’s meeeeeeeee!”

“Butbutut your a vampire1 How am I supposed to do lovey things with w vamirpe from Tsilight/“

“Simple! First we” And teh rest of thes convo was sencored by the Folating Hyacitnh, becuase its TOO SEXY 4 TV

And Ix just blushed and blusehd and bleushd the lgoner ang longr Charlotte talked and seid “Can we jst kiss 4 now? Yore the best girl ever butI dutn thing I’m ready for all the stuff yuo talkin about.”

“KISSING IS COOL”

And then there aws lots of huggnig and skising.

((What is wrong with me. I do ship this, but not quite to this extent =P))

OMG ITS CANON NOW AAAAAAAAA by VOID21194 on 2016-09-29 14:32:00 UTC Reply

EVERYDOBY RUNA ROUN D AND SCREAM AND SHOTU FOR GLORSIOU GLORY!

((AAAAAAAAA I SAW IT COMING BUT I'M STILL EXCITED))

Agent Peregrin Sets Things on Fire by zZzSwagMortzZz on 2016-09-25 04:49:00 UTC Reply

A/N: I was reading the PPC hunger games, and I was inspired to write a fic about Peregrin being badass and setting stuff on fire. Also, does anyone know a good beta?

Agent Peregrin was on a mission with some pyros because he was better at making bombs than most of the department. He didn't transfer, though, because he thought DoGA were wimps. The world was twisted into brain-breaking shapes by an uncanonical forest. Peregrin couldn't stand it, so he charged in with his flamethrower. The other agents tried to hold him back, yelling "We don't even have most of the charges!", but Peregrin didn't care. He just wanted to burn stuff.

Peregrin quickly finished the mission (by destroying everything in sight) and went back to his RC, #112358. He'd never figured out where those numbers came from, or why there were commas and an ellipsis on the sign. He spent some time reading, and then took a short nap. He didn't need to work around his partner, since he didn't have one because he was just that good solo.

When he woke up, he decided to go to the Canon Library to get more reading material. He wandered the halls for a while and eventually stumbled on the library. The librarian didn't want to give him more books because the ones he had were 'overdue'. After about a minute of these complaints, Peregrin flew into a rage and planted a small grenade on the checkout records. The Librarian managed to dodge, but the records (and a good part of the desk they were on) were destroyed. The explosion also started a fire, which burned down several shelves of books, but Peregrin didn't care. Those were replaceable anyway, right?

While Peregrin was storming out the library and venting about how he still hadn't managed to get his books, he remembered that his vacation request from two days ago hadn't gone through. He'd put in for two weeks vacation after a particularly nasty (in his opinion) mission earlier in the week. So, instead of heading back to his RC, he tried to go to the Marquis' office. Normally, the hallways in HQ would have prevented him from getting there quickly, but he used his powers (A/N: what were those again?) and sheer force of will to make it straight there.

After he'd busted the door to Personnel down, the Marquis asked him, Agent Peregrin, what are you doing here?

"I want to know why you haven't approved my vacation paperwork yet," he answered with a cold fury.

I haven't approved your request because you had a vacation only a few months ago, and since you have given no justification for your current application

"The hell I haven't justified my application! You and that damm sunflower have been throwing an EXTREMELY big workload on me, and that's on top of all the stuff I'm doing with DoGA! I need a vacation NOW!."

Both Mary Sues and Geographical Aberrations are severely understaffed right now, so a heavy workload is to be expected.

"I don't CARE!" Peregrin's face was growing bright red with anger. "I'm taking. a. break."

Right then, Peregrin opened a portal to his home continuum. The Marquis tried to stop him and called security. Peregrin didn't want to be stopped, so he took his flamethrower and burned the Flower to a crisp.

As the daisy was dying, security stormed into the office. They didn't really like the Marquis, because he was maen and stupid, so they let Peregrin jump through the portal. (Later, they resurrected the Flower so no one would notice).

Two weeks later, Peregrin came back to his RC, noticeably calmer. He'd spent most of the last two weeks rampaging through Arbe, sacking concents and burning their libraries (he was still bitter about the Canon Librarian). His console had several messages from the Sunflower Official, who wanted to meet with him about the "incident" in the Personnel offices two weeks earlier.

After making himself at home, Peregrin went Upstairs and had his meeting. The SO told him that he'd thought about punishing Peregrin somehow, but that he had noticed that Peregrin was one of the better agents in the department, and so he could get away with a few incidents. He didn't even say a word about the DoGA mission. Then, the SO assigned him a partner, Tomash, so that they could learn about the ways of the PPC from an experienced agent. Peregrin was glad that the Flowers had seen reason about his need for a vacation, and he went back to his RC to meet up with his new partner, hoping that they were as awesome as he was.

(( OOC: I have driven Agent (ex-Fraa) Peregrin severely out of character. He would almost certainly never do any of these things without an extremely, extremely good reason. ))
Agh, I have no time! by Neshomeh on 2016-09-23 04:45:00 UTC Reply

Why oh why do I have to be busy with the Badfic Game on? I am sad. But I'll try to find the time to leave a review or two, maybe even continue my stories, sometime before this thread falls off the front page. *crosses fingers*

(Also, hi, Ix. I'm glad you're home and doing better. E-mail me if you want to. *optional!hug*)

~Neshomeh
50 Shades of Tacitus RETURNS! ~~ by DuskWater on 2016-09-22 16:26:00 UTC Reply

A/n: So, like, remember this from last time? It's my awesome story about the DIA and some other ppl and anyway i'm reposting the third chapter (seriously, NO REVIEWS WERE HAD and that is sad--haha, a rhyme! :D :D)) Anyway, so the first chapter is HERE and the second chapter is HERE! And now the third chapter!!!

Oh, and, so yeah this story is uh I mean
I don't really have inspriation for it anywmore but i have this new friend and she's TOTALLY INTO TACITUS/GASPARD and the gardsman and everyone so she's going to take over and it's gonna be TOTALLY AWESOME! XD U'll love it. Don't worry.

But fiiiirst...here's chapter three!!! Compleat with my a/ns 'n' everything :) :) :)

a/n SO I'M SO EXCITED THAT YOU'RE LIKING THIS STORY
Anyway
So I'm starting off with a flashback because I was in such a hurry to get up the last chapter that Iforgot a detail
but that's fine because a recap at the beginning of a chapter is very useful!!
So without further ado read on
and Ihope you like it
(PS: here's where we meet Tacitus!! Really, this time!! Aaaah!!!)

-------
Of all times for the Guardsman to get injured.

An elegantly dressed geth walks out of Tacitus' office. Every bit of its armor is in perfect condition; I am obviously underdressed.

"Golf, this week, Tacitus," it says firmly. I don't hear the reply. The geth nods at me as it passes, and Alex jumps out of his seat to go call the elevator.

It leaves.

"Mr. de Grasse?" Charlie is back with her perfect smile and her long legs. "Mr. Tacitus will see you now."

"Oh--thank you," I say. I put the glass down and get to my feet, straightening my shirt. Slowly, I walk towards the door. Charlie's smile follows me, stays fixed in perfect, professional falseness.

Alex opens the door for me. I try to smile at him, and then take a deep breath and walk through.

I'm completely focused on not making a fool of myself: just get through this interview, go home, give the Guardsman his notes. I can do this.

So, of course, the very first thing I do in Tacitus' office...is trip.

*

"You utter klutz," says my Monologue. He's utterly bored, and looking down at me where I've landed on my hands and knees. "You can't even enter a room anymore. How...pitiful."

Gentle hands grasp my elbows and help me to stand. I can't bring myself to look up for a minute, but when I do--wow. Just wow. Red-tipped black hair and an intense look that makes me even more embarrassed--and he's young. He's so young.

He lets go of me and steps back. For a moment--I blink, thinking I'm imagining it--but for a moment, he's some sort of grey and red fox as he leaps back to the desk. Suddenly, he's back to the beautiful young man who helped me up, and he grabs a pad of paper and a pen from the desk. He writes something and holds it out to me; I approach carefully and read the message.

That was quite a fall, Mr. Guardsman. Are you alright? Would you like to sit?

"Oh, uh--I'm alright," I say. Why can I never be smooth? I sound like I've been hit in the head--dull and uninspired. "And, actually, I'm Gaspard. Gaspard de Grasse. The Guardsman's been injured, so I'm here in his stead."

I'm Tacitus Dives, he writes back, and offers me his hand. I take it, and we shake; static electricity shocks me, and I pull away as casually as I can. It must be from my fall on the carpet.

We take our seats, and I set up the Guardsman's clunky-looking tape recorder. It doesn't run on tape, exactly--but he's upgraded it since the last time I asked. The on button seems to be in the same place, though.

"I have some questions, Mr. Tacitus," I say once everything is in place.

He smirks, and writes, I thought you might.

I find myself blushing red, and push my shoulders back to try to look less cowed. I raise the Guardsman's first cue card, and do my best to read his scribble--thankfully, most of these were typewritten. “You’re very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you owe your success?” When I look up at him, he's disappointed but still smiling that wonderful smile.

Business is all about people, Mr. de Grasse, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them. I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well. He stares at me, and then writes another set of sentences and hands them over. His handwriting is just this side of neat, spiky, dark, and precise. Nothing like my own boring letters. My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people. The bottom line is, it’s always down to good people.

“Maybe you’re just lucky,” I blurt out. He's arrogant. I don't usually like arrogant people.

I don’t subscribe to luck or chance, Mr. de Grasse. he writes. The harder I work the more luck I seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their
energies accordingly. I think it was Harvey Firestone who said ‘the growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership.

“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Oh, I exercise control in all things, Mr. de Grasse, he writes. His smile is humorless; he holds my stare impassively. I find that I'm blushing again. Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good-looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that. I look down at the Guardsman's next card; time to change the subject.

“You invest in manufacturing," I say. "Why, specifically?” Why does he make me so uncomfortable?

I like to build things. I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say? What can he write, really...why does he write all the time? The Guardsman never mentioned he was mute. No one does. And surely someone with his money could go around that...

But I stay on task. “That sounds like your heart talking rather than logic and facts.”

His mouth quirks up, and he stares appraisingly at me.

Possibly. Though there are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.

“Why would they say that?”

Because they know me well.” His lip curls in a wry smile.

“Do you have a philosophy? If so, what is it?”

I don’t have a philosophy as such. he writes. Maybe a guiding principle – Carnegie’s: ‘A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control – of myself and those around me.

“So you want to possess things?” I try not to raise an eyebrow; he really is a control freak.

I want to deserve to possess them, but yes, bottom line, I do.

I can’t help thinking that we’re talking about something else, but I’m absolutely mystified as to what it is. I swallow hard. The temperature in the room is rising or maybe it’s just me. I just want this interview to be over. Surely this is enough material? I glance at the next question.

“You were adopted. How far do you think that’s shaped the way you are?” Oh, this is personal. I stare at him, hoping he’s not offended. His brow furrows.

I have no way of knowing.

My interest is piqued, but I don't ask him how old he was when he was adopted--I can always ask the Guardsman later. I read the next question. “Have you had to sacrifice a family life for your work?”

I have a family. he writes. I have a brother and a sister and two loving parents. I’m not interested in extending my family beyond that.

“Are you gay, Mr. Tacitus?”

Well... He stops writing and looks at me with his smoldering eyes. What do you think, Gaspard?

My breath catches in my throat as I try to stammer a reply. It's the first time he's used my name, and even though he isn't speaking out loud, there's something about seeing it in his handwriting that makes my heartbeat accelerate.

There’s a knock at the door, and Charlie enters. “Mr. Tacitus, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in two minutes.”

Tacitus nods at her. She blushes bright pink; at least it's not just me, thank God. He gets up, and she leaves.

I collect the cards and the Guardsman's recorder and get to my feet. “Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Tacitus.”

He shakes my hand; I find myself hoping it's not as sweaty as my mind thinks it is.

If I am sweaty, he doesn't seem to notice. Are you driving back? he asks through the pad of paper. It's raining.

"Uh--yes. I'm driving back."

Well, you’d better drive carefully. he writes. He underlines it, and gives me a stern look. I wonder why he cares. Did you get everything you need? he adds.

“Yes sir,” I reply, packing the recorder into my satchel. His eyes narrow, speculatively.
“Thank you again for the interview, Mr. Tacitus.”

The pleasure’s been all mine, he writes, polite as ever. He stands and holds out his hand. Until we meet again, Mr. de Grasse. And his expression makes it a challenge, or a threat, I’m not sure which. I frown. When will we ever meet again? I shake his hand once more, astounded that that odd current between us is still there. It must be my nerves.

“Mr. Tacitus.” I nod at him. Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide.

Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele. he writes, holding it up for me to see and giving me a small smile. Obviously, he’s referring to my earlier less-than-elegant entry into his office. I flush.

“That’s very considerate, Mr. Tacitus,” I snap, and his smile widens. I’m glad you find me entertaining, I glower inwardly, walking into the foyer. I’m surprised when he follows me out. Charlie and Alex both look up, equally surprised.

Alex rushes to bring my coat; Tacitus puts down his pen and pad of paper and takes it from him, holding it up for me to put on. I do so, feeling extremely self-conscious. Tacitus places his hands for a moment on my shoulders; I gasp at the contact. If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away. His long index finger presses the button summoning the elevator, and we stand waiting – awkwardly on my part, coolly self-possessed on his. The doors open, and I hurry in desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning teal eyes gaze at me.

Gaspard, he writes as a farewell, holding up the ever-present pad of paper.

“Tacitus,” I reply, my mouth dry. And mercifully, the doors close.

--------

a/n:Whew! That was such a long chapter!! But Ireally hope you liked it!! Isn't Tacitus so hott?? Gaspard certainly thinks so!!

Don't forget to RnR!! Reviews make me write fasterrr. Next up--Gaspard and the Guardsman talk about what happened! And Tacitus may show up again ;)) Aaaaand...if you really want it....Imay even write something from Tacitus' pov!! You'll have to convince me, though :D if there's enough interestm I'll totally do it!!!

Reviweres are love!!! ~*DW**

PS: DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY NEW STORY! It's actually something I rwote really quickly last month but it's awesome and you should totally read it! I'll be putting it up really soon. Quick and fun and fluffy!! Look for it at the top of the new releases!! xoxoDW**~

REAL AN: so like hope you enjoyed!!! Next chappie will be written by my friend but posted by me because she doesn't want her own account cuz her parents said no. but shes a REALLY awesome writer and its' gonna be SO GOOD I PROMISE

and maybe i'll write something new too.......you never know!!!

xoxoxoxo ~~~DW**~

((So yes. A necessary disclaimer--a good chunk of this chapter is from the real 50 Shades book, because last year I was foolish enough to go 'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT DUSKWATER WOULD DO, JUST CHANGE THE NAMES AND SOME OF THE WORDING AND DESCRIPTIONS'. Never again. The book--undiluted by sporkings and so on--is *awful*. The 'next writer' is going to drop that idea entirely, and...well, I have some fun things planned :D We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, welcome back to 50 Shades of Tacitus! I look forward to hopefully amusing y'all and scarring SeaTurtle's characters :) Keep an eye out for familiar faces in...the next chapter, probably... ~DF))

50 Shades of Tacitus Chapter 4!! ~~ by DuskWater on 2016-09-28 02:03:00 UTC Reply

A/n: HI! I'm taking over the story and i promise it's gonna be awesome. I'm just taking over where DiskWater (hi babe!!) left off and I'm gonna keep what she wrote of course but I'm also putting my own twist on it!! Hope you like it!!!

Right, so this chapters in third person because it's different characters but keep am eye out for the end ;) don't worry there's lots of first person (aka or favorite pov characters!!!) coming up. This chapters different to set the scene but yeah just read to the end! Can't wait to write more!!! And of course……… Don't forget to review!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 4

The Guarddsman was lying down, trying to recover from his stomach wound. He had put the bloodstained cards away by now, and was vaguely thinking about getting the watch out...but nah. He kind of wanted a sandwich, and, well, tht was more important. So he got up and hobbled toward the kitchen.

He didn’t really feel bad that Gaspard had had to go interview Tacitus Dives in his stead, because, really, the lad could stand to get out a bit more. And anyway, the Guardsman hated dealing with Dives. They never had gotten along, and he always felt the young CEO was hiding something…

Anyway. Sandwich.

*********
In another part of HQ the Aviator was looking at her couch and frowning. It wasn’t like the couch had anything wrong with it; the real problem was that she wanted to sit down, but--and this was the important part--the couch was already taken. By her partner as his girlfriend.

They were cuddling (because Zeb was a cuddly sort and Dawn was very into cuddling) and it was really very cute (a/n THEYRE SO PERFECT TOGTHER IXIMAZ AND DAWNFIRE IF UR READING THIS TAKE NOTES) but the Aviator also really, really wanted to sit down…

She was about to say something, but then Zeb activated the disguise generator and turned into a human. He gave Dawn a slightly nervous smile; Dawn smiled back, and leaned in to kiss him.

The Aviator made a face and went into her TARDIS. She might as well; her eyes and mind would be saved, and there was the Gala to get ready for, after all…

*****
He really should call his sister, the Guardsman thought. She’d been bugging him about getting ready in time for the Gala that was coming up, asking who he was going to take along as a date. He’d been thinking maybe Naya; he didn’t like her like that, or anything, but it was a lot easier than figuring out who else he could go with. And besides, Naya was great. She was sarcastic, funny, and...well, he had no idea what she looked like, but that was fine. It’d work.

And maybe taking her would finally prompt his sister into making a movel…

~FLASHBACK~~

(okay so this is basically based on Cale Seche, because that should have gone so differently seriously. What were they thinking?! It would’ve been so much better like this!!))

The Reader scrambled to her feet when she felt a familiar presence approach her and Rina. Could it be—?

No. No, her brother was long gone. Her mind must be playing tricks on her.

And then three people rounded the corner and she froze.

“E-Emiranlanoamar?”

The tall black man stopped walking and blinked at her. “Xandria? The Reader--that’s you?”

The quarian beside him frowned, not that anyone could tell. “Who’s Xandria?”

“I am.” The Reader took a hesitant stepp forward, her eyes fixed on the Guardsman. “Emiran...I thought you were dead. Permanently so.”

“What about you?” The Guardsman waved the hand that wasn’t holding something. “You left the Academy and just vanished. Papa said you’d argued—”

“We did, but that’s not important.” The Reader took another step, beginning to tear up. “Emiran...Emiran, you’re alive.”

“And you didn’t call.” The Guardsman put his toolbox down with a thud and crossed his arms. “Why didn’t you call, Xandria?”

The Reader blinked at him, and wiped away a tear. “I was a little busy, Emiranlanoamar.”

The Guardsman gave her his best sad face. “I was lonely, Xandria. I had no one to talk to, and none of our other siblings were even still around except for Bibi, and you know what she’s like--all work, no fun—”

He was cut off by a hug from his sister: the first in centuries (or millennia, depending on the personal timestream). “Shut up, Emiran. Just shut up and hug me for once.”

Emiran blinked away his own tears and obeyed, hugging her tightly.

It's alright, he told her mind-to-mind. We're all safe now. It's going to be alright.

*****
They found out later that Bibi--the oldest, originally--had stayed on Gallifrey and might actually be dead. But everyone else had made it to HQ long before they did, and there were many reunions to attend. Of course, some of their siblins were a bit full of themselves, but they were always that way (except for the Notary) so Emiran and the Reader didn’t mind. The Reader was also the baby of the family, even before the Time War and everyone going traveling, so everyone was glad to see her. There were many hugs, some tears, and even the Notary clung to her fit a little while before she went back to bring herself--but everyone knew she cared.

END FLASHBAT!!

Esclava House, New Caledonia, at 08:13 on Friday the 13yh of September 2016 HST

Madam Penny had been in already to tell me that breakfast was served (and once more to say it was getting cold--she left in a hurry after I glared at her) but I couldn't stop pacing, couldn't get him out of my mind. That boy. Gaspard. I wanted him. Bad.

I shook the thought away, but it came right back, the way it kept doing all night. I couldn't concentrate. It was going to drive me--

I shook my head again. Think, Tacitus. Put your brilliant mind to use for once. I had to see him again, but how to arrange it…

I need to see him. Need to see if I can find out what he looks like wrapped in a fancy silk robe--dark, maybe dark blue--and sitting on my bed. I need--

It hit me suddenly. The Gala! If I could get him to the gala I could see him. He'd even be dressed up--

I smacked those thoughts away. How to get him to the Gala… there has to be a way. Had to be a way to get him there so I can impress him even more, and maybe get him where I've been wanting him since about two seconds after he literally feel into my office.

I'll figure it out. I'm not Tacitus Dives, heir to a fortune and self-made man of mystery for nothing.

Maybe my sister can help.

Maybe. Maybe she knows a connection that I don't.

I nodded: it's settled. I took out my portable console and sent s message directly to Harris my second in command. Contact the PI (privatate investigator). Tell him to start looking into a Gaspard de Grasse. And get me an appointment with my sister.

Harris' reply came almost immediately. He's a good assistant. Straight, and sometimes a bit unreliable and accident prone, but he's worth putting up with. second bits going to be tough. are you sure you want to see her? last time didnt go will.

For a moment I went into my other form, so I could snarl soundlessly with greater effect. Then I changed back and wrote: I'm sue. Get it done, Harris! PS: you meant ‘well’, I'm sure. This is why we need the new spell checker I've got R&D (research and development) working on right now: it'll catch more errors than anything else available. It'll make agents’ jobs easier!

He wrote back: you dont need to sell me on it tacitus. im running the project. haha!

I shook my head and finally went to eat breakfast. That Harris. Maybe I should look for a replacement--someone who didn't disrespect me…

No. They'd take too long to train, and Harris almost always followed through. It wasn't worth the energy it would take to replace him.

I looked down at my breakfast: bacon and eggs with a side of Sour Poffins. For a moment I was reminded of my ex--sweet creature, that one, my very first--but I shook the thought away and began to eat. I'd need my strength--especially if Harris made the meeting with my sister for today.

Wouldn't that be a breeze.

Oh Em Geee! by MotherShipper on 2016-09-28 03:42:00 UTC Reply

Im sooooo excited for the next chaptr! Seriously you don't even know. Thanks for translating the abreviations, its really helpful to me especially.

Keep up the good work

So much fuuuuuunnnnn~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by ComputerNeko:3 on 2016-09-27 05:24:00 UTC Reply

It's so cool getting to see these characters in my favorite book! Its such a good idea. . . I wish I'd thought of it *pout* They're such cool characters, too. And the fox bit?! Is Tacitus a kitsune?! that would explain why he's so freaking cool ^.^ super looking forward to the nxt chapter!!!

Seeeeecrets! Shh! ;) by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 07:15:00 UTC Reply

U like 50 Shades to?? Awesome!!! So I never actually read all of it but my friend did so is fine. Anyway!! I just love the plot! So I thought appc version would be awesome. I think my friends going to switch it up a little but it'll just be even more awesome because she's a great writer!!!!! And yeah, ST's characters are THE BEST EXCEPT FOR AGENT DAWN AND LIKE ALL OF THE OLDEST CHARACTERS BECAUSE OBVS OLDEST IS TESTED AND TRUE AND STUFF

Anyway Tacitus is Tacitus and u'll find out more about him later!!! Thanks for reviewing!!! And the next chapters coming soon!!

~~~DW**~*~

Amazing by MotherShipper on 2016-09-23 16:10:00 UTC Reply

Woohoo I love poke-shipping! And shipping in general I just like reading relationships and seeing there developement.

Lookin forward to the next chapter, hope the geth gets to joyn in on the funz ;)

**giggles** isn't this ship the greatest? by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 07:10:00 UTC Reply

I still love it even if I'm not writing this story anymore. And I'll pass the geth thing on to my friend!! I can't wait to see what she does

I'm totally into shipping but idk... My brains kind of more in Aus this year. I'm hoping I can put one together before to long..... I miss posting stories that I write!!

Thanks 4 reviewing!!
~~DW***

IÂ’m confused by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-23 13:14:00 UTC Reply

Who is this Miss Steele who szddenly pops up? Otherwise, its a really good story do far.

**blinks** idk maybe it's a typo?? by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 07:05:00 UTC Reply

((XD you caught it! Fantastic :) I left it in on purpose, though whether it ever has any impact on the story... wait and see. :) But I should have known you'd be the one to spot the lone Miss Steele! ~DF))

How have I never seen this before? by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-23 05:14:00 UTC Reply

This is amazing! More! I can't wait for the next chapter! Please, please, pretty please, more!

((More specifically, it's coming tomorrow. I want to...)) by DawnFire on 2016-09-27 07:20:00 UTC Reply

((...glance at it again before posting to see if there's anything I can add--that's what happened last time. Apart from that, though, it's done! Hope y'all are and will continue to be, uh, enjoying...

~DF))
My friend said is coming soon!!! Thanks 4 reviewing!!!! (nm) by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 07:02:00 UTC Reply

You know something? by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-23 00:37:00 UTC Reply

This is probably the best-spelled parody story about a human and a mute Zorua I'll ever read. Also, I don't think anyone's ever typed that sentence before, so bonus points for that. XD

...Seriously, this is a parody, right? I mean, I'm all for inclusivity and non-hetero relationships, but at this point the title has some connotations I really don't like thinking about when one of the main characters isn't human.

Anyway, nice writing, the idea of the Inner Monologue being vaguely separate is cool, you do you, have a great day. :)

That's totally uncalled-for by ComputerNeko on 2016-09-27 14:54:00 UTC Reply

If your really all for inclusivity, you wouldn't automatically assume it's a parody. Who cares if one of them isn't strictly human? They're both sentient and sapient so they are both capable of giving consent so they can live their lives however they want!!! And anyway it's just a story. Even if they weren't capable, no one would get hurt; it's just fantasy. There is no need for you to be so judgementall about what is just a story.

(And the idea of separating out bits of her subconscious to talk is actally canon, so it's kind of a shallow thing to compliment.)

"Her"? As far as I know, Gaspard is a cis guy. (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-27 20:53:00 UTC Reply

obverusly you havint red my sotry. by JayBird on 2016-09-28 08:44:00 UTC Reply

iff yu had reed Prize Mission you wuold know FOOL WELL taht Gasparde is a grill.

Aslo Argent Suicide was tehre too.

*raises eyebrow* (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-28 14:08:00 UTC Reply

i Dont't now what taht meens (nm) by JayBird on 2016-09-28 14:27:00 UTC Reply

Eh? by Gaspard De Grasse on 2016-09-28 01:43:00 UTC Reply

I'm not CIS, I'm personally more of an Republic guy. Though the CIS did have some pretty cool battle droids—

What? Isn't this about Star Wars? You know, the Confederacy of Independent Systems? No?

((LOL, nice. *waves*)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2016-09-28 14:07:00 UTC Reply
OMG, Gassie! by omingoXaS23 on 2016-09-28 04:29:00 UTC Reply

im ur bigest fan, gassie!

*Gloomps*

gassiiiiiiiiiiie!!

Just wait and see!! ;) by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 07:01:00 UTC Reply

I mean I have to do that now to because my friend took over the story but yeah!! I'm totally glad u like it! Anyway idk where it's going anymore and honestly idk what I had planned, that's part of why I gave it up to my friend

And I'm so proud of the monologue!! Is awesome u like him!! I just thought, y'know, it's Gaspard, rite? Every time SeaTurtle writes a depressing story about him the monologue's there in his head. So it was perfect!!

Thanks for reviewing!!!

~DW**~~

((I don't actually know exactly where I'm taking it myself, but I can definitely promise that there will never be a graphic Tacitus/Gaspard sex scene. And I really, really wish I still remembered how I came up with this idea to begin with, because I'm very curious now. ~DF))

nise, by omargiaXAAS363 on 2016-09-22 22:03:00 UTC Reply

but flauwed.
Mi prublem was taht the socks werre tooo dirty! How acn i relatete wit a caracter with dirty socks?

Berry goot, overwise (Monologue is soooo hotttt!!!!)

TDLRDT, clean ur socks.

...like, what *socks*?? by DuskWater on 2016-09-27 06:50:00 UTC Reply

Seriously I searched teh while thing and I couldn't find any. But yeah, you looking the monologue is awesome!! Doesn't he make an awesome ~~ subconscious??

Ty for reviewing!!! Hope u like how it keeps going!!

~~DW**~

Oh, lassie, by omgaXAS521 on 2016-09-28 04:05:00 UTC Reply

T'subconscious was astoundin', lass, I jus' cannae help but b'drawn t'the severe overloadin' of dirty socks - an' as much as I love it, I cannae find a connection wit' a dirty-socked lad, as you wrote.

Ooh! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:11:00 UTC Reply

Fanfic Land is open? I've been waiting, like, forever! Here's the first fic I wrote for it! :P

Let's see whatcha think!

((Please, please, if anybody has any of that stuff that lets you check where this was posted from, I'm begging you, don't. I'd be using an alternate computer, but I seriously don't have anything to do it with.))

Well, that's weird. by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 14:19:00 UTC Reply

It works for me. But, if it's not working for you guys, let's try this again.

Re: Well, that's weird. by Anonymous on 2016-09-22 14:23:00 UTC Reply

And just in case that doesn't work, here's it again! Open Says-a Me!

Excellently performed (nm) by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-23 12:14:00 UTC Reply
Finally, a working link! by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-23 00:39:00 UTC Reply

...And half the dialogue is in capslock. Yay. -_- Sorry, the only place shouty dialogue is acceptable at this point is most shonen anime *cough*Dragon Ball Z*cough* and Harry Potter.
yea so tr;dl (nm) by JayBird on 2016-09-22 14:49:00 UTC Reply
((This one works.)) (nm) by Huinesoron on 2016-09-22 14:45:00 UTC Reply

((I'm not capable of commenting this in-character)) by Sergio Turbo on 2016-09-23 09:36:00 UTC Reply

((Let alone the fact that I don't have a badficcer persona yet this year. Anyways, that was... incredibly fun, actually. it's So Bad It's Awesome, and some parts were actually pure comedy gold.

Like “When Nanoha-chan wants something to happen, reality knows to step out of the way and let it happen”. Which gave me the hilarious image of a personification of reality raising their hands in surrender at Nanoha and saying "Do whatever you want, but don't blast me into smithereens"))

((Link broken, what do?)) (nm) by eatpraylove on 2016-09-22 13:33:00 UTC Reply
((The problem is, we can't even open it.)) by Sergio Turbo on 2016-09-22 08:58:00 UTC Reply

((CHeck the sharing settings?))

Well, I am glad. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-22 12:22:00 UTC Reply

It saves us the trouble of having to read it.

11/10, excellent start to my morning.

Not Quite Myself (Part 1!) by PinkCarnations on 2016-09-22 01:42:00 UTC Reply

Soo… I was thinking about the PPC recently, and it's cool and all, but I want to try something a little different. Tweak it a little! So I came up with this! Please enjoy! ( ^_^ )

~~~~~~~~~

Cornelius felt it almost immediately, as soon as he woke up. There was something off about… well, everything. Not in an obvious way, mind you; it was as if someone had moved the entirety of reality about two feet to the left while he had slept. Nothing seemed different. And yet, everything seemed different.

The feeling stuck with him as he got dressed and wandered into the main response center. It was countered slightly by the smell of fresh coffee.

Yeah. Coffee. Maybe that would clear his head.

Cornelius had just poured himself a mug when a holographic image of a young woman flickered to life over the large projector in the center of the room. The familiar figure smiled and nodded to him, causing her virtual pigtails to bobble slightly.

“Good morning, Agent Watson,” she said crisply.

“Morning, Rachel,” Cornelius replied. “What’s the good word?”

Various statistics began to appear in the air around the artificial intelligence. “Everything is proceeding nominally regarding our technical status,” she said. “There have been no pressing alerts regarding badfic, but Intelligence reports suggest that we may soon face a higher-than-normal number of Overtale-related AU missions. There is also the matter of… Agent Watson, are you unwell?”

Cornelius wrinkled his brow. “What makes you ask that?”

Rachel glanced down at the mug in his hands. “Typically, you consumed at least half of your coffee by this point in my morning briefing. You have instead done nothing but drum your fingers on it. Vital scans and stance analysis also suggests that you are slightly stressed.”

“I… I don’t know.” Cornelius set down his coffee and ran his hands over his bald scalp. “I’m just feeling a little weird. Can’t really say what’s up.”

“I’m not sure I understand. Are you in need of services from Medical or FicPsych?”

“What? No! It’s just a strange feeling. Like something’s off.”

Rachel’s expression softened a bit. “Perhaps taking a walk might help relieve this feeling,” she said. “We have been fielding more than our usual amount of missions. It’s only natural this might take a toll on you in some way.”

“I don’t know. Besides, what if something comes up? I don’t want to leave you hanging."

“I can cover for you if anything come up. Take your time.” She smiled again. “If my hard light projector were active, this would be the part where I would pat you reassuringly on the shoulder.”

Cornelius chuckled a bit. “All right. Maybe you’ve got something. I’ll take a quick walk, see if that clears anything up.”

~~~~~~~~

More to come soon! Please comment with good vibes, ya ya!

Not Quite Myself (Part 2!) by PinkCarnations on 2016-09-23 00:48:00 UTC Reply

First off, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE COMMENTS! I luv you and your faces! Here's more story! Oh, and there might be shipping in the future! ( ^_~ )

~~~~~~~~~~~

The walk was helping, but only a little. Cornelius still felt something digging at him in the very back of his mind.

The murmur of quiet conversation and the mingled smells of what was arguably food told him he was near the Cafeteria. He would not normally have given this much mind, but a lingering gurgle from his stomach suddenly reminded him that he had not actually had any coffee before leaving the response center. Cafeteria coffee, while not ideal, could be an acceptable temporary substitute.

He walked inside and made a beeline for the coffee machine. The liquid it dispensed was only a few steps above tar, but that was irrelevant. It was caffeinated, it was hot, and it was here. The snobbery could wait until he was back home.

Cornelius scanned the room as he sipped at his cup. His gaze stopped on a familiar figure sitting ramrod straight at one of the side tables. She was clothed all in black and appeared vaguely Asian. It was hard to tell due to the jawline-length bob obscuring part of her face, but it looked like her eyes were closed.

He wandered over. Maybe talking with someone else would help with this strange funk he was in. “Good morning, Xeleppeon,” he said as soon as he was within acceptable conversation range. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Xeleppeon opened her eyes at the sound of Cornelius’ hail. Her expression did not shift from its normal neutral state as she looked over, but she did nod. “Hello, Cornelius,” she said. “My partner and I have only just returned from several missions in a row and are, unfortunately, too tired to cook properly. We would not have otherwise come here.”

She shifted in her seat. Cornelius could now see the dark circles under her eyes. “And you?” the Nobody asked. “What brings you here?”

“I forgot to get some coffee before going out for a walk.” He took a sip as to underline his point, and was able to prevent a sour expression from crossing his face. “Needed to clear my head. Something just felt weird when I woke up this morning.”

“In what way do you mean weird?”

“Well–”

“BREAKFAAAST!” someone exclaimed from about a foot behind Cornelius. Before he could react, a pale and lanky woman darted out from behind him and plopped two plates of greasy breakfast food on the table. “Aren’t I the best, Xelly?”

Xeleppeon rolled her eyes. “That is a point always up for debate when it comes to you, Bluescreen,” she replied. “For example, Agent Cornelius might disagree with your statement considering you just interrupted him.”

Bluescreen turned on her heel and gave Cornelius a puzzled look, as if she had only just noticed him. Recognition dawned on her face. “Cornelius, right! I remember now. My bad, by the way.” She flicked her blue-dyed bangs out of her eyes and offered her hand for a conciliatory handshake.

“Not a problem,” Cornelius said as he shook her hand.

Bluescreen sat down next to Xeleppeon, towering over the Nobody by almost a foot. “So what were you guys talking about?”

“It’s nothing. I’ve… I’ve just been having this strange feeling ever since I woke up. Like something’s not right with the world. It could be stress I suppose, but… yeah, I don’t know.”

Xeleppeon tapped the tips of her tented fingers together. “Could it be due to a canonical shift?”

“That's what I was thinking,” Bluescreen said through a mouthful of scrambled eggs. She thankfully swallowed before continuing her thought. “I get headaches and vertigo whenever DC makes a major change to their canon. Doesn’t even matter that they’re not changing my specific universe. It’s like ripples in a pond, or something.”

Cornelius shook his head. “I come from World One. It can’t be a canon thing.”

The two female agents exchanged a glance. “Then my best bet would be stress,” Xeleppeon said. “A general malaise, possibly from too many missions.”

“It happens to everyone eventually,” Bluescreen added. “My advice? See if you can wrangle a vacation out of whoever it is that’s running the DIAU. Take some time to clear your head.” She picked up a piece of bacon with her fingers and took a bite out of it. “In case that doesn’t work, which is pretty likely, I would recommend getting drunk.”

There was a small sigh from her partner. “You are a veritable font of wisdom.”

“I do what I can.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought Cornelius was a Halo AI by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-23 15:12:00 UTC Reply

And who are these Xeleppeon and Bluescreen people? Are they your OCs? Sorry if I asked an obvious question; I'm kinda sleep-deprived. *yawns*

Seriously, though, I hope Cornelius gets that vacation. (And that my character can cone, too :P)

Not in this universe. by PinkCarnations on 2016-09-24 02:32:00 UTC Reply

It's an AU where people are sort of… swapped around and mixed up. Everyone's based on a PPC canon, u just have to fingure out who is who!

Good liuck, have fun!

ThereÂ’s actually somebody who can rite here! by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-22 10:51:00 UTC Reply

And haS An intriguing story to tell. I cant wair to read more!

((Sorry, don’t have the time to flame the other writers individually.))
So mysterious! So strange! Can't wait till the next chapter! (nm by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 08:05:00 UTC Reply
Intrigue. I likey. :3 (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-22 01:56:00 UTC Reply

((I have no regrets)) by mattman14 on 2016-09-22 01:39:00 UTC Reply

Lieks comment and sutbsricbe! ...wati this aint' Youtube.

---

So Ajax was chillaxing in the RC of Get Rekt Mate like a baller.

And then suddenly, A WILD Mathew APPEARS! “Who wants some magic?”

Agax jumped up from his easy chair. “I do I do!”

“Well, then, have a lot of it!” Math shouts some funny words and then disappears into the eether.

Ajax walked around his RC for a bit, wondering what his new powers were because mat didn’t tell him. “So what can I do now…”

Ajax thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until he realized that none of the minis were moving! he could stop time!

“OMG I WALAYS WANTED TIME CONTROL POWERS” Ajax screamed att he top of his lungs, and he walked out of the RC singing How I maeet Your Mother songs at the top of his lung.

“ score a ten wod be just ofne, BUT I RATHER BE DRESSED TO HTE NINES! It’s a truth you cant refuuuuuute, duh duh duhh dhu! NOTHING SUIT EM LIEK A SUOT!”

An then he sou Levy his waifu and said “Hay baby, wanna have freaky time sotp sex?”

And Levi aas all “OMG YE I WANNA DO YO UNDET THE CRESRNT MOON (cuz full mons make uer crazy)

And then they ran toff to go do sthff, mainyly each other.

((Is this cheating?))

Joy unconfined. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-22 13:55:00 UTC Reply

What new nonsense is this? I was about to lambast the other fic as any decenet person would do when faced with an abomination but might as well do a two-in-one by attacking this godawful and blatant plagiarisation and the parent fic which spawned it.

Let's go through the list, shall we?

-Bad Spaghetti
-Randumb capitalization
-General stupidity
-Singing
-The existence of this thing

And in you're case:

-Ctrl+F+Replace

100^(-1) / 100. I don't know why I spend my time reviewing this.
Hey! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 08:04:00 UTC Reply

This is just like Void21194's fic! You can't do that! That's copying! You can't do that! Meanie!

((It's the Badfic Games. If there's badfic that does it, you can too, so I'd say you're golden.))

First Fc in YEEARS!!!!!!!!!! by Void21194 on 2016-09-22 00:45:00 UTC Reply

Lieks comment and sutbsricbe! ...wati this aint' Youtube.

---

So Valon was chillaxing in the RC of Terror like a baller.

And then suddenly, A WILD K’ETH APPEARS! “Who wants some magic?”

Valn jumped up from his easy chair. “I do I do!”

“Well, then, have a lot of it!” Keth shouts some funny words and then disappears into the eether.

Valon walked around his RC for a bit, wondering what his new powers were because keth didn’t tell him. “So what can I do now…”

Valon thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until he realized that none of the minis were moving! he could stop time!

“OMG I WALAYS WANTED TIME CONTROL POWERS” Valon screamed att he top of his lungs, and he walked out of the RC singing How I maeet Your Mother songs at the top of his lung.

“ score a ten wod be just ofne, BUT I RATHER BE DRESSED TO HTE NINES! It’s a truth you cant refuuuuuute, duh duh duhh dhu! NOTHING SUIT EM LIEK A SUOT!”

An then he sou Kala his waifu and said “Hay baby, wanna have freaky time sotp sex?”

And Kale aas all “OMG YE I WANNA DO YO UNDET THE CRESRNT MOON (cuz full mons make uer crazy)

And then they ran toff to go do sthff, mainyly each other.

((I swear, this got WORSE as it went on, eheheheh. This is Voyd, by the way.))

So random! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 08:03:00 UTC Reply

So crazy! So good! Love it, love it, love it! Keep going! And maybe give us some details on what Valon and Kala are doing, eh?

((... Fanficcer!Me, learn the art of taking your lust and shooting it in the face over and over and over until it's dead. I don't care if it's like a certain evil, white and pink, creepy cat we all know and hate and always comes back. Kill it anyways.))
I have no life. by K'eth on 2016-09-22 00:50:00 UTC Reply

PERFECT, 10/10 FOR GRACE AND ELEGANCE, WOULD BANG!

Ummm okay this is my first fic Ihope its good! Â¯\_(ãƒ„) by BluEyedWonder on 2016-09-21 19:34:00 UTC Reply

Ha okay so first of all the disclaimer: Jay and Acacia, do this sdisclaimer!

Jay: Firsy BluEyedQoner is the BEST.

Acacia: Secodn she doesn't own the PPC YET BUT WE'RE GONNA GIVET IT TO HER!11!

Awwk thanks guys! :D I'm blushing. Anyway, onto the fic!

---

Chaper 1:

it was a beautiful day when the Notary was told ehs was gonna be the Savior of the PpC.

She was in her RC waiting for a mission when two knocks came at her door. "who could that b??? she wondered she never had visitors because all the other agents thought she was mean eeven though she was the sweetest nicest person in all HQ. they wrea all posers and the Notary knew she could get tehm all back easily but she was too good a person for tha so she didn't.

She got up and opened the door (AN the notary has no partnernow I didnt likt eh clown). it was Jay and Acacia!!!

"we need you to save OOC!" Acacia stated.

"Yu are the Savior of the PPC and only you can do it! Bad stuff is happeninf and you have to dtop it!"

notar looked at them stunned. She, save averyone? but none of the PPC liked her and she was so normal, hw ould she save everyone???

"ill try," she said shyly blushing. "but i dont know if ill be abel to cause no one in the ppc likes me."

"theyre stuupid.' acacia said. she grabbed the Norary's hand and jay grabbed the other. "time to sae the PPC! they said and left to go do that.

---

Ummmmm so howd i do?? no flames ples first story never done one before i hope you al like it1! please read and review!!

-BluEyedWonder

No! Bad Notary, bad! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:59:00 UTC Reply

You're a villain! You're not allowed to save anybody! We all hate you! Bad! I'll make you go crazy! I'm spitting on paperwork right now, you hear? I'm chopping red tape into tiny bits! I'm... I'm calling you Notes.
That's right. The very nickname you hate the most. Notes. Notes. Notes, Notes, Notes, Notes, Notes, Notes, Notes. Perish.

((I'm sorry! But... well... characterization? Eh heh, eh heh, eh heh... Okay I'll leave now.))

Noooooo stopnotary is a misunderstoof chaaracter!! D: by BluEyedWonder on 2016-09-23 01:46:00 UTC Reply

shes not actually a villain shes just misdunertood stop eing meen!!

-BluEyedWonder

She was mean first! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-23 04:22:00 UTC Reply

She's all mean and nasty and she insulted Kala and just left Rina out in the middle of HQ!

But we can be certain she wasn't always like this. by Ronion on 2016-09-23 11:29:00 UTC Reply

Remember the Folded Time interludes from the first Continuity Council story? We meet one of the Notary's previous regenerations there - Fourth, if memory serves - and she was pretty awesome, hanging around with that Lola bird who was clearly her girlfriend and off having Two-Fisted Galactic Adventure. If she can be like it once, she can be like it again.

Assuming, of course, that Scapegrace ever writes anything involving her again. Lazy little [EXTREMELY CENSORED]

But she was mean before she was nice, too! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-26 05:31:00 UTC Reply

And then she was nice, and then she turned mean again! And unless she regenerates again, she's gonna keep being mean! And don't insult Scapegrace! I like those stories!

((Oh, wow, it feels so weird to be saying 'Don't insult Scapegrace', given the circumstances.))

She very well might. We've only got a handful of stories... by Ronion on 2016-09-26 10:59:00 UTC Reply

... To go on here. And I'm not saying that Scapegrace is a bad writer, merely a glacially slow one. We all complain about George R.R. Martin, don't we? =]

((It's fine. Many therapists have also told me not to insult myself, though since they require me to tell them the truth, well, there's a limit as to how not-insulting I can be. =] ))

Wow, a Notary redemption fic?? by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-21 22:27:00 UTC Reply

That's so cool! I can't wait to see how she saves the PPC! :D

((OOC: Seriously, well done. I particularly enjoyed Acacia's "we need you to save OOC!"))

Notary is my fav character. by BluEyedWonder on 2016-09-22 22:35:00 UTC Reply

Wont say yet but itll be awesome!! ;)

((Thanks! I'm glad you like it. Funnily enough, "OOC" was actually an accident: what I generally do is type as fast as I can and leave all mistakes. I wasn't really trained in touch-typing so I get a fair few that way, "OOC" being one.))

-BluEyedWonder

More! More! (nm) by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-21 21:47:00 UTC Reply

A Minor War In Heaven by Ronion on 2016-09-21 14:53:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimer: The PPC is the property of Jay and Acacia, whose presence is elsewhere and elsewhen, and whose spirit fills the ether of HQ as its inhabitants continue their nugatory vigil over the darkest reaches of the multiverse.

===

she lies abask among the trees and nymphs of the wilding forest between and calls me not. she sleeps. her watch is stood in fairyland. this place this boscaresque idyll is seen only by what third eye she possesses and is little thought upon by us mere mortal defedators who have not the slightest glimmer of the veil-piercing power of minds. and yet we are here watching the flowers grow in the little vale of pale blue flowers and tall trees.

militator. kakorraphiophobe. two. one. hunting through the mertensias that shame the symbelmune with their lustful presence. she leads. her sacricolist follows. blood in the water falling like a burnt man cast from his castaldy like an arrow loosed to divine the future like bullet and bomb like the misbegotten child of dead and lonely gods. this is not my area of expertise.

who is devotional. who can be. what is devotion even for other than to sate the whims of little lives lost in a theomachy not of their own making but will lead them to their mortal resting places. the long knives come. pity the columbine heiress of majesty not her own. pity her cardinal lips. pity her hair wave after wave of atrous curls kokytos in flood. pity the vestments of her ignoble faith corbeau chiton leatherette heels where around her is uncaring unseeing duck dreadnought drabbet. piteous. vicious. being of vice.

she is a whisper of robes like trees holding court. i am earthen made of the dark parts of space she is composed and constructed of high time clockwork galataean. or something like it. moths flit between the blue flowers. quarry pauses sniffs the air her coterie unmoving cardboard slategrey colours churning as it spins its song interrupted nails on chalkboard trimmed to the wick and wire. a slim pad is produced. a charge. execution. light shines as blackened bogiron flits parts vermiel. lifeless life ended. amnesia. ascension to higher orders of dimension.

there to rest in a gunmetal prison silent ceaseless love unbound unbidden unwanted deeply shared. uncompanionable quiet. waiting for the next distraction.

pritey good, by omingaXSA124 on 2016-09-22 12:43:00 UTC Reply

but i thinku thatt it neds mor foccusss on boiled cabbage - ther simplyy wasnt enuf boiled cabbage 2 make this stor-e as perfct as itcould be.

TLDRDR: ad mor boilt cabbage.
um kk this is good by JayBird on 2016-09-21 16:18:00 UTC Reply

iM not suer who its' abut thoguh? is itt Jaycacia? it srot of sounds' liek Jaycacia wiht the tees adn magick asn all. i mene Jaycacia'd mine byt its' ok yu cann borow here!
That's a lot of fancy words. by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-21 15:04:00 UTC Reply

Is there going to be a part 2? You left a lot of stuff unexplained, but I like where (I think) this is going. *runs off to google the new words*
This again. by The Great Destroyter on 2016-09-21 15:00:00 UTC Reply

Another year, another offering of absolute literary garbage before my eyes. Its a little tiring to see, really.

So, what do we have here? A long srting of words that are clearly evidence that you're time is spent between looking up words in the thesaurus and trying to imagine what 'cool' is like. Unfortubately, you fail horribly at both.

You're capitalization is off, you're prose is denser than a uranium brick, and I have no idea what is even going on in this story.

0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001/10, get off the internet, kid.

--

((I am so sorry.))

And now, the full reply you don't deserve. by Ronion on 2016-09-21 15:26:00 UTC Reply

I deliberately opted to use no capitalization or punctuation marks aside from full stops in the piece to give a stream of consciousness feel to the narrative. As it stands, your ability to parse prose or style beyond a dogmatic adherence to standardized grammar is neither my fault or my problem. Mithras help you if you ever encounter Ulysses.

And yet you sat down and replied. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:30:00 UTC Reply

Checkmate.

Heaven forfend that anyone try and make you learn something. by Ronion on 2016-09-21 16:15:00 UTC Reply

Ignorance, after all, is your castle; and what an impenetrable fortress it is. For someone may tell you and tell you again of what is right, what is true, what the wits of mankind can achieve, and you content yourself with the sole fact you have internalised: that you are right, and everyone else is wrong. Whatever jewels are laid before you, you ignore, and treasure instead half-bricks and cobblestones as your Blue Hopes.

One is reminded of the old adage about playing a pigeon at chess.

Your the one who is angry here, not me. (nm) by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 16:35:00 UTC Reply

Not angry. Insulted. Because you insulted me. by Ronion on 2016-09-21 17:13:00 UTC Reply

Honestly, it's like trying to teach quantum physics to geese.

HONK by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 17:23:00 UTC Reply

HONK HONK HONKY HONKA HONK HONK HONKA HONKY HONKA HONK HONKS HONKER HONK HURK HONK HONKA HONK

That's the most coherent comment you've posted all day. by Ronion on 2016-09-21 17:39:00 UTC Reply

Did you have help?

You. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-22 01:11:00 UTC Reply

Your an inspiration to us all— you keep doggedly fighting to be right when there is nothing to win.

I don't need to fight to be right. I am right. by Scapegrace on 2016-09-22 11:44:00 UTC Reply

I'm fighting to improve you in the vain and forlorn hope that there's a brain cell lost somewhere underneath the midden of sludge that calls itself, without evident irony, The Great Destroyer (or Destroyter if you prefer). You evidently care enough about what's going on here to comment on every fic that's gone up -- why not offer criticism that's actually useful, rather than the petty gruntings of a third-rate troll?

Because its fun posting stuff like this. (nm) by The Great Destroyet on 2016-09-22 15:19:00 UTC Reply

... How? (nm) by Ronion on 2016-09-22 15:35:00 UTC Reply

Because. (nm) by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-22 15:47:00 UTC Reply

whos scapegrace? by omorgerXSAS22223 on 2016-09-22 12:37:00 UTC Reply

Whers Ronion?!
Dide you kidnipe her?!

Youu moanster!

Pay no attention to the Scape behind the curtain. =] (nm) by Ronion on 2016-09-22 12:55:00 UTC Reply

*Destroyer (nm) by Ronion on 2016-09-21 15:19:00 UTC Reply

((100% intentional.)) (nm) by SeaTurtle on 2016-09-21 15:22:00 UTC Reply

((I know. So was pointing it out snidely. =] )) (nm) by Scapegrace on 2016-09-21 15:26:00 UTC Reply

((This is going to be a terrific Badfic Games.)) by SeaTurtle on 2016-09-21 15:34:00 UTC Reply

((There's so much material to flame for the despicable little troll I'm writing. I hope that I don't actually hurt someone's feelings— but any fanfic forum needs a good flamer to rustle jimmies and be a nuisance so I'm filling the vacancy as best as I can.))

((That's you?!)) by Cat-on-the-Keyboard on 2016-09-22 04:37:00 UTC Reply

((*hugs you* your character is making my day!

--Key))

((I aim to flame. Or amuse. Whichever works.)) (nm) by SeaTurtle on 2016-09-22 13:58:00 UTC Reply

Ilran byes milk. by omegaXAS223 on 2016-09-21 06:12:00 UTC Reply

Ilran boght the milk and said 'thank u fine sir for his freshh rejuvenating mikl i shal consume it trogh my mouth,' when, sudenly, randumly, out-of-nowerely, unxpectdly, the mary sue appeared.

'the marey sue!' Ilarn exclummd, as the mary sue appeared sudenly, randumly, out-of-nowerely an unxpectdly.

'iv kidnapt PPC!' marit swue shrikked lik the harpi (its a roman monstr taht shriks) adn she shodwe a pitcture of PPPC, who wass tyed up on an chair.

'Not PiPiCee!' Illarien holwed lik a wolff (its a animal taht holws, i dont know if its roman???)
'is da chair commfor-table, ta least?'

'No!' marry sue said.

'nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'
Ililiarrenilraen scremd lik a screming man (its a type of man but ti screms, maybe roman but probly not)
and he screemed and scremd an shot at mary with bullets and lasers will he bet her an save PPC?

RAT REVIEW AND REVIEW TO FIND OUT

no flams pls im stil sensittve my 7th cusin removd's co-wokror's neighbore died 11 yrs ago ;_;

Phew, what a relief. by Lemony Eggnog on 2016-09-26 22:22:00 UTC Reply

I clicked on this dreading a horror in the school of "Cloud Mows the Lawn," but thank god, it's only inane, and actually in a so-dumb-it's-funny kind of way. I'm not sure if that makes you a great troll or a terrible one.

Let's make no mistake, though, you're definitely a troll.

--Lemony

Haven't seen you in a while. Hi! :) (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-27 05:06:00 UTC Reply

Illlren saves th day by omeganEXAS223 on 2016-09-22 12:35:00 UTC Reply

Illllllllren boght the milk and said 'why joly good, cheerios for this fin'e bevrage, i looketh foreward 2 ingeasting it trough yousage of mi human digestyve system, beygining with my mouth.'
When, suddenly, gmary sue appeared!

'mari sew!' Ill11lrehn screched, shockd like a man wit a brokn electrikal sistem instead ob a spine (very dangrus, don't do this!)

'Ilran! I see you-'

'My namel is Illlren!' ollraen hoofed (lik huffing but HE HAS HOOFS XP)

'Really? Oh, I didn't - I didn't realise. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'

'It's okay, really.'

'No, it's not, that was really unfair of me, and I promise - I promise it won't happen again.'

'No, really, it's fine, seriously.'

'Thank you. That means a lot.'

'Seriously, Mary. It's okay.'

But mayr sue sighed, shure of herself inside taht it wasn't.
'I kidnarped OFUM!' she yelled lik am ex-boyfrend in an alliyway and u have a knif and he has no fone or escape root. She tok out a picture of OFUM tyed up 2 chair (PPC was tieed up too in backgrond, but dis weren't souprisin - illaren knew this)

'not OrfUM!' 11raen exclammed (lik exclaiming, but HES A CLAM XP)

'yes, OFUM!'

'NO!'

'yes!'

'nO!'

'Yes!'

Ilareen cursed her surprerior diplomatic skilles, considering surrander.
'are the ropes losse enouf for comfrort?'

'No!' maeiry soup no-d.

'Nnooooooooooooooooooooo!!!'
Ilarrrrrrrrrrrrrren screemeed, engaging barttle statins. will he bet her an save PPC an OFUM?

MOUSEE REVIEW TOOO FIND-OUT

no flams pls, i am drenchd in petrol an i migt cattch fire :(
What. (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-21 22:28:00 UTC Reply
Unreadable. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:05:00 UTC Reply

Did you wake up this morning and rub you're face all over the keyboard? Its the only explanation I can think of for the raisain d'etre for this abomination unto mankind.

Your probably the worst story out of the bunch on this website. I give you i/10 because any value this story has is purely imaginary.

--

((Note to self: use the i/10 joke more often in real life.))

WHAT?! by omegaXAS223 on 2016-09-22 12:07:00 UTC Reply

wat else am i ment to rub aal ovr the keyboard aftre i waake up?!

Agnet Luxury Seduces the PPC Univverse by Nifar teh Pirate King on 2016-09-21 00:24:00 UTC Reply

AN: Yeah i did steel the title from "Squirell Girl Beats Up the Marvel Universe", pls don't sue meh, i don't have any moneh!

Agten Lux Secduses the PPC Uneverse Chapter On

Luxary was walkng down the hall in the PPC HQ. She was dressed in a short black skirt an a aqua-lavender croptop and she had her long blonde hair in a bun. She was on her way to see the Marquise de Sod, by special request. She knocked on the door and from inside she heard "Oh, anget Luxery! Come in!"

"Oh Soddy~! Wat evar could u want wit me? Have I ben a bad gril~?"

"Yes mis sLuxray you have. yiu have been a verry bad girl, and now i'm gonna punish you!"

(AN: I'll let u imagine wat happens next! ;P C u nxt chappie!)

No, please! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:54:00 UTC Reply

Tell us what happens! Show us what goes on in that mind of yours! I can't wait to see what the Marquis does to her. Winks.
Re: Agnet Luxury Seduces the PPC Univverse by Splendor on 2016-09-22 01:45:00 UTC Reply

Like, OH EMM GEE!! Finally a fik for my fav girl, LUXRUY!

shes so amazing i even chose a name like hers!1!

You should, like, totally make a NFWF version for teh lewd details! XDXD
*slowclap* (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-21 15:10:00 UTC Reply
Three lines. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:07:00 UTC Reply

Zero content. If your going to write a story, don't slap three sentnences together and expect you're readers to be happy with that,

losthopeforhumanity/10.

Get good, son.
Best name for a fanfic containing Luxury. Tenouttaten. by Cyanogynist on 2016-09-21 10:36:00 UTC Reply

*slow clap*

Ticket to Ride by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-20 22:25:00 UTC Reply

Summary: A Sue who should not exist anymore teams up with the Department of Inaccuracies to right a wrong.
Genre: Serious Business
Rating: T, I suppose.

DISCLAIMER: I still don’t own the PPC, it belongs to the legendary agents Jay and Acacia. Nor do I own Androiaavata’s home continuum World of Warcraft, which is property of Blizzard Entertainment. The Harry Potter series of books was created by the magnificent Joanne K. Rowling. The Labyrinth probably doesn’t need to be disclaimed here because it isn’t actually involved. The Making of a Queen belongs to Artemis Samhain, who may kindly keep it. It was sporked by EileenAlphabet and you should go and read this, because it’s good although it’s not free of errors (and I siriusly don’t intend to recap this monster of a mission report). The agents in the Department of Inaccuracies are mine.

Author’s Notes:
I subdued last year’s little rebellion; Androia knows her place again. Since you gave me more than the requested number of reviews, this is all your fault.
Many thanks to my beta reader ElenaAlgebra for the valuable suggestions I mostly ignored. All residual errors are obviously mine.

Prologue

The music was soft and mellow, almost seductive, as it had always been. Her dress was dark black like her hair, the tight bodice held by spaghetti straps fitting her lustrous curves, the wide skirt swinging free as she whirled around and around. All the other dancers, in their costumes made of damask, silk and satin, hid their faces behind masks; they didn’t matter. There was only One who counted, the handsome immortal who held her tightly in his arms and spun her around, until the daydream ended abruptly when he steered her into a wall.

Actually, the obstacle was a door set into one of the walls of the endless grey corridors. Sarah shook her head to clear her mind and glanced at the number on the door, comparing it to the first number scribbled onto the sheet of paper in her hand. Apparently she had got good advice. Just don’t pay attention while you walk, and you will arrive where you need to be. And yes, here she was, and she didn’t bother to knock. How could she be expected to be polite after all they had done to her?

A pink-coloured human-shaped flash crossed the room at amazing speed and disappeared behind a door when Sarah entered RC #1953. The elderly man who had been left behind glared at Sarah. "What’s your business here?" he asked savagely.

Sarah countered the man’s fury with an icy tone. "Is this the Department of Inaccuracies?"

"Why would you assume that such a Department even exists?"

"Because the – entity at the help desk said this would be the place to take my complaints to. I have been unjustly charged by employees of your organization, and my story has been misrepresented in their mission report. What do you intend to do about this?"

The man’s mood appeared to lift immediately. He took some sort of device out of a drawer and pointed it at Sarah. It looked like a sort of pocket calculator. Sarah could not see the display.

[Sarah Aithne Rhiannon Williams. Half-witch/half-Fae female OC, known to be ’such a calm, collected girl, who always had good timing’. Not!Labyrinth x Harry Potter. Undead Sue. Out of Character 50.38%.]

I frowned at the display. 50.38% is barely enough for a badfic. Maybe we should throw in some bad role-play and unwanted innuendo. Fortunately, Sarah had already given us a head-start. Good timing indeed.

The man frowned, shrugged and then drew his face into a malicious grin as he started to take more devices out of the drawer and stuff them into his pockets. "Androia," he shouted, "bring the quill patches! It’s one of those missions again." He turned to Sarah. "Do you have the exact coordinates on your paper there?"

Since she couldn’t get to her uniform while the stranger was there, Androiaavata had slipped into her old novice gown. Hearing her master’s voice, she hefted the appropriate flash patch onto her left shoulder and returned to the RC’s main room, just in time to hear the stranger talk. "To gather the evidence, we first need to go to ISBN-9780747573609/66-29".

"But this is a canon destination," said the non-human girl who had just re-entered the room. She was now wearing a long blue gown with a quill dropping red ink on the left shoulder, and Sarah wondered what species she might be. Her ears would have been far too long and pointy even for a Fae, reaching up above her head, and the pink of her face was too bright even for the given situation.

"No disguises then," decided the man. "The canon characters can't see us anyway." Meanwhile, the girl whose name was apparently Androia, had typed on several keys at a thing that looked like a computer console, and a blue-gleaming rectangle had appeared in mid-air. "Ladies first," said the man with a little bow. With an irritable frown, Sarah stepped through the portal. The two agents followed and arrived on a platform at Paddington station just in time to watch a giant man and a small boy approaching a train.

Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would carry him back to the Dursley’s, then handed him an envelope.

"Here it comes," hissed Sarah. "Pay attention!"

‘Yer ticket fer Hogwarts’, he said. ‘First o’ September – King’s Cross – it’s all on yer ticket.’

Sarah jumped excitedly. "There, have you seen it? Now we can go to my story. The coordinates are FFN 1711100..."

I rip the paper out of her hand, take the remote activator out of my pocket and type in the coordinates I memorized so long ago. This is going to be fun.

"Wait," says Androia. "Are there any original characters in this story? They will see us. Did you bring a Dorks?"

Insubordination again? Implying that I forgot important equipment? Or a legitimate concern? I glare at her. "I’ve got something better than the D.O.R.K.S." And I whip out the Invisibility Cloak.

(To be continued)

Ticket to Ride Â– Chapter 1 by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-20 22:46:00 UTC Reply

The person at the door turned out to be Minerva McGonagall. The agents hid in a room as Sarah passed them to go downstairs, then crept out and watched the action from the top of the stairs.

Undead!Sarah and the Correctors, well hidden under the Invisibility Cloak that miraculously fitted all three of them, watched the Floaters, disguised as Gryffindor students, watching McGonagall and the Williams family discussing the revelation that Sarah is a witch. "This Sarah looks exactly like our visitor," whispers Androia, as if I wouldn’t notice this myself. But from standing so close to our Sue, I can tell that they certainly don’t smell alike. How did she get between us anyway? This was supposed to be cuddling time.

McGonagall proceeded to explain, that since the Headmaster wanted Sarah to start her training from the basics, she could be given a potion, called Reincarna, that would turn her into an eleven-year-old.
“Charge for inventing an non-canonical potion,” the female student said.

"That’s the Radioactive Moss Creature, also known as RMC," whispered the agent whose name is still unrevealed. "Keep this in mind for future reference. The boy is Mittens, apparently some sort of minor devil from some sort of hell."

"How do you know, master?" whispered Androiaavata back. "They do not look like a devil and a moss creature."

"Remember that I remember everything I’ve seen in the archives. I expected this mission coming to us since I arrived in the PPC." But there was this nagging doubt. Misrepresented the story? Should I have actually read the glaurunging thing, not just the mission report?

Meanwhile, McGonagall finished a monologue with something that might be called a sentence, although it didn’t end with a full stop. "If you decide to go through this the potion will be send, together with the things Miss Williams would need for her first year and a ticket for the Hogwarts Express"

“Again, heredity does not work that way, and since when do you need tickets for the Hogwarts Express?” the RMC asked.

"There it is," hissed Undead!Sarah. "Charge them!"

“… tickets for the Hogwarts Express,” Mittens repeated as he wrote the charges.

"They can’t blame me for Rowling never bringing it up again after chapter six," whined the undead Sue.

"So, should we hit them with the book you certainly brought with you, master?"

"Not yet. There’s no single point of intervention here. We have to watch more, and we need to get this [expletive not translated] note book."

Sensing her partner’s gloomy mood, Androiaavata decided to brush his ego a bit more, lest his anger might fall back unto her. "Please enlighten me, master. If everything Miss Williams needs will be send to her, does she ever visit Diagon Alley? Should she be charged for not being chosen by her wand?"

"Doesn’t matter. We aren’t here to add to a charge list that’s already ridiculously long."

"I hope you two aren’t trying to avoid taking any action by discussing technicalities," scolded Undead!Sarah.

The other Sarah was no longer in sight; apparently she had left short after McGonagall, and if she had gone upstairs to her room, Mittens and the RMC had somehow avoided to be seen by her. Androiaavata had been too distracted to know what exactly had happened, but now the Floaters were downstairs, neuralyzing the two adults and sending them back to their canon along with the baby, then they vanished through a portal. A sudden time distortion made the agents stumble, and they had to cling to Undead!Sarah. Ten days later she faced a mirror, holding a crystal vial containing a turquoise liquid.

The human, the night elf, and the undead Sue were thrown against the mirror, and the agents watched in horror as Undead!Sarah diffused through the Invisibility Cloak and melted with the mirror image that indisputably was hers as well as the other Sarah’s.

"For a new life" she muttered, raising the potion in solitary toast "Cheers"

"Now that’s a kind of mirror magic I didn’t expect," muttered the male agent, wrapping his arm around Androiaavata’s waist to steady her as the fic yanked them both six years forward into a compartment of the Hogwarts Express.

"I am glad that she is gone," whispered the night elf, unwrinkling her nose and giving in to the embrace. "This stench was unbearable." The human agent laid a finger on her lips to silence her. After all, the Sue, now two years older then she had been before she drank the Reincarna potion, was in the same compartment and there was nothing to distract her but dwelling in her own thoughts and memories and the dreams of a ballroom dance.

As soon as the Sue had fallen asleep, the male agent removed his finger from Androiaavata’s lips and fumbled for the remote activator and Undead!Sarah’s list of important information. "When she wakes up, we’re suddenly in a potions class," he murmured. "And I don’t intend to be yanked through all the [expletive not translated] flashbacks and elsewhere-scenes Mittens and the RMC had to watch. So, the Sue’s other complaint refers to FFN1711100-6/3/24. That’s about one third through the mission."

The agents stepped through the portal and arrived in the middle of a battle, or at least a duel. A Death Eater fell onto the floor of the Great Hall, felled by Sarah’s leg-locking curse, but still able to set an indeterminate number of non-canonical Deathstrike snakes on Sarah, using his snake-animagus parseltongue skills. Sarah conjured a ring of fire around her to ward of the snakes. The Death Eater quickly conjured a thunderstorm inside the Great Hall.

Thick, heavy rain soaked Sarah to the bone, making her robes, shirt, tie, socks and grey plaited skirt (things she wore under the robes… I've noticed that the School uniform is not reduced to black robes, including a white shirt and grey trousers/skirts and a tie with the House colours) stick to her skin as well as her long hair, that had freed itself from the remaining pins. The flames were quickly dying, much to the girl's horror and the snakes that hadn't been singed were ready to jump into action the moment the fire was out.

"Locking his tongue might have been more useful," commented Androiaavata. "Charge for in-fic and redundant author’s notes?"

"I told you already that we're not here to add to the charge list. Look out!"

The agent flung himself unto his partner and both landed in a mass of tangled limbs on the floor as a fireball hurtled over them. The deranged Invisibility Cloak did not hide them longer, but fortunately Mittens and the RMC, who had found a save and dry place from where to snark at the badfic, were too busy watching a touching scene (Sarah protecting the miraculously arrived house-elf Winky) being destroyed by the way Finian Bloodstone first cast a fireball from behind Sarah and then was jerked through the room like a puppet on invisible strings to cast another, undefined spell, this time standing in front of her. Sarah felt rather than saw the blood soak her attire, mixing with the wetness from the rain that had stopped moments ago.

While Sarah conjured an unbreakable crystal ball around Winky, and the Floaters wondered why she didn’t protect herself in the same way, the Death Eater muttered an enchantment to strengthen the magical barrier that kept Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley out of the Great Hall. Sarah hit the Death Eater with an uncanonical spell, and the barrier began to break, but Sarah was too weak from wounds and snake poison to defend herself any longer when the Death Eater recovered and casted the unforgivable killing curse. In the last possible moment, Ginny wished the Death Eater away, and Jareth the Goblin King returned into Sarah’s life.

Androiaavata and her partner, who had disentangled themselves and rearranged the Invisibility Cloak, creped out of the way as Saxo Cruore – no, Finian Bloodstone, he had not been recruited yet – was dragged to the Underworld. Having dealt with this, the Goblin King started to care for Sarah.

He seemed imposing even as he asked for help, the soaking girl tucked within his arms safely.
“Soaking?” the RMC asked. “When did she get wet?”
“He must have drooled on her some more, while we had our backs turned,” Mittens said.

"No, this Death Eater made it rain on her," whispered Androiaavata. The RMC did not hear her.

“Charge for making herself soaking, thereby creation horrible implications.”

“She should be taken to the Hospital Wing” Minerva McGonagall said with her usual no-nonsense tone of voice “Madam Promfrey will most likely be awake, don’t you think Albus?”

(To be continued)

Ticket to Ride Â– Chapter 2 by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-20 23:14:00 UTC Reply

While Mittens and the RMC stayed to take care of the mini-Aragog, the human and the night-elf agent followed the canon characters and the Fae outside of the Great Hall and along the halls of Hogwarts, but when the canons turned to the Hospital Wing, Androiaavata felt herself dragged further upstairs. "Where are we going?" she asked when the other agents, the canons and the Stu were all out of earshot. "Are we not supposed to hit Agent Mittens over the head with a printout of the badfic? And probably the RMC should be hit with it as well."

"We’re supposed to stay healthy, so we can continue doing our job. Thus, we’ll change into some dry clothes before we make any further plans. And concerning this misrepresenting-the-badfic thing, considering that they somehow managed to stay dry, I wouldn’t expect overworked agents remembering every detail of such an outdrawn scene. Maybe we can shove it under the rug. This doesn’t need to be decided now."

Talking so much and climbing up a stair don’t go well together for an elderly man. I was quite out of breath when we arrived at the seventh floor, but I was still able to find the tapestry showing Barnabas the Barmy trying to teach trolls to dance the ballet, and to walk Androia past it three times while thinking hard: ‘We need dry clothes and a place to change, and I also need a printout of this badfic.’ Unfortunately, nothing happened. Why the heck didn’t it work? Maybe the Invisibility Cloak hid us too well, even from the Room of Requirements? I dropped the cloak and paced the corridor again, concentrating hard on what I wanted.

Androiaavata took the Invisibility Cloak up from the floor. While her hands folded it into a neat package without her even thinking about it, she watched the human become more and more angry. When he stopped pacing, the wall opposite the tapestry was still just a blank wall. The man uttered a series of words the universal translator didn’t translate, because, as he hat put it once, "these are not appropriate for big, innocent, young ears." She wondered whether she should tell him that she couldn’t stop thinking that all this talk about health and getting into dry clothes was just a pretence to make her take her clothes off again. To her surprise, the human stopped cursing before she could make up her mind, and displayed this wicked smile she still didn’t know what to make of.

Just for a minute, I forgot that the Room of Requirement is not a Room of Wish-Fulfillment. So this has been decided for us. We are not required to hit agents with a badfic they misrepresented in their mission report (and the wet garment clinging to the girl's body isn’t actually a bad view), but we still have to decide whether "making yourself soaking" can stay on the charge list when this was actually done to her. Anyway, I remember the perfect place to finish this, so I defocus my eyes to find the cave that appears about 85 percent into the mission report, or, as it turned out to be in terms of the badfic, in chapter eighteen, section six, paragraph two.

The human’s face went blank for a moment, as it usually did when he read the words, then he took the remote activator out of one of his pockets and typed a sequence of numbers. ‘It is powered by plotholes,’ thought Androiaavata frantically, ‘it is powered by plotholes. There is certainly no electricity in it.’ Fortunately her partner didn’t remember the fiasco Mittens and the RMC had experienced with their neuralyzer, or his usual reasonability had been worn out over the last hour, so that he didn’t try to compare the portal generators remote activator to the remote activator of a TV set. The portal flickered into existence and the two agents donned the Invisibility Cloak again and stepped through. They arrived just at the same time as Jareth.

"Well, well, look there sisters, what the cat just dragged into our neck of the world" an old, high-pitched voice reached his ears just as he reached the open top of the mountain, the winds tangling his long cape around his legs "Anyone would have thought he of all creatures would know better than to stir up things that have already been set in motion to pass"

Although the place had been called a cave in the first paragraph, at the end of a long way up the mountain, or through the mountain, the world settled for a grotto when the words made it obvious that the three Fates could see the Goblin King and that Jareth could hear the Fates talking before he even had reached the entrance to the so-called cave. Androiaavata noted that this came in handy for an attempt to use her druidic magic. As Jared and the Fates, who might actually have been Norns – and the real deal to boot – indulged in some banter, and the youngest Norn casually cut a life thread, the wind carried from somewhere far enough a scream of sorrow, further confirming that this couldn’t actually be far underground. King Jareth reminisced about Sarahs latest shenanigans, before he took a seat atop one of the many heavy rocks scattered on the floor, which wasn’t made of solid rock, since Androiaavata and the word world noticed that there was sand an ash all over his boots by now. Very handy this was.

Apparently her partner had the same thought, for he shoved a book into her hands and whispered his advice. "Since you’re so font of hitting people over the head, you do it. I’ll get the note book."

The two agents then watched silently as the Goblin King tried to return the gift of eternal love for a soul mate who had sent mixed signals over the last twelve chapters and apparently didn’t intend to love him back in the expected way. The Norns told Jareth that only Sarah’s death could free him from their gift, and a thread to the wizarding world that had been forgotten for the last twelve chapters raised its ugly head for a short moment.

"If they found a decent beta reader and left the Potterverse and the Labyrinth alone to enact their original story, the Haunted King might actually be a good fairy tale," grumbled the human agent.

"We are not here to judge the badfic," reminded Androiaavata. "At least this is what you told me – master," she added after a short hesitation.

No more words were spoken. After all, there was really nothing left to be said.

The agents arrived at the cave, just as Jareth had stormed out. The three women looked up at them and smiled, had a little chat with the Floaters, were neuralyzed with no effect whatsoever and were sent back to Norsk Mythology, where they belonged. Then the Floaters planned their final attacks, exploiting the Faes’ allergy to iron and Sarah being a heavy sleeper.

The RMC grinned. It was quite a disconcerting sight. “Did you bring any duck tape?”
Mittens actually looked mildly affronted at the question. “I brought two rolls.” Then he also grinned, and the agents of the Department of Inaccuracies decloaked.

Roots broke out of the sandy floor and wound around the Radioactive Moss Creatures legs. It tried to speak or to draw its sword, but found itself totally immobilized by the power of nature’s magic. Mittens got one of his knives out before he was stopped by a Commanding Voice. "Agent Mittens! Hand Over This Notebook. Right Now!"

Mittens forgot immediately that he was not standing in front of a superior officer and gave this stranger whatever he wanted. Androiaavata approached the RMC, lifting Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone high above her pointy ears. "Ages ago," she said, "you asked since when tickets are needed for the Hogwarts Express. Your answer is in here, at the end of chapter five." The book came down onto the RMC’s head. "Know your canon, Agent Moss!"

Meanwhile, the human agent had scribbled into Mittens’ notebook and handed it back. "Now Continue Your Mission, Agents!"

The spell’s duration expired, the roots fell off the RMC’s legs and retreated into the ground, and the two Floaters hurried through a portal back to Hogwarts.

"Must we follow them and watch the assassinations?" asked Androiaavata, looking worried.

"Sarah Sue being drowned in the Bog of Eternal Stench? No way! I’ve had enough of that stench. Let’s go home."

(To be continued)

Ticket to Ride Â– Choose Your Own Epilogue by HrnmsGrbrd on 2016-09-20 23:38:00 UTC Reply

0:
Did you read "The Making of a Queen aka. The raison d’être"?

Yes – continue at 2
No – continue at 1

1:
Go read it now, at least the charge list near the end.

Continue at 5.

2:
Did the charge list contain "inventing tickets for the Hogwarts Express"?

Yes – continue at 4
No – continue at 3

3:
As soon as the two agents arrived in RC #1953, the human ran to the console, brought the RMC and Mittens’ mission report up to the screen and scrolled down to the reading of the charge list. "We did it!" he crowed, turning to wrap his arms around Androiaavata and sweeping her up. "It’s actually changed! We broke through the Creativity Shield!"

Androiaavata struggled to escape. "Do you really think this is something good?"

A voice droned from the general direction of the ceiling.

"WE ARE LEGAL! YOU WILL BE DISPATCHED!"

[Expletive not translated]!

Continue at 6.

4:
As soon as the two agents arrived in RC #1953, the human ran to the console, brought the RMC and Mittens’ mission report up to the screen and scrolled down to the reading of the charge list. His face fell, and he used again some of the words the UT never translated. "It’s still there", he continued. "[Expletive] Creativity Shield!"

"You know," said Androia thoughtfully, "there might be a solution for this problem."

The male agent turned around to glare at her unbelievingly. "And what would that be? The Creativity Shield is assumed to be unbreakable!"

"Ask for Permission and get us into the real PPC, where we can actually achieve something. Did you really never think of this?"

[Expletive not translated]!

Continue at 6.

5:
Did you read it?

Yes – continue at 2
No – continue at 1

6:
A/N: Is this the end of the Department of Inaccuracies and its self-insert agent? One never knows. There’s still the issue of Agent Mordecai Lee in "A Very Alternate Source of Mental Agony" (Link: https://archive.is/http://rc6664.webs.com/mission5.htm) saying that Hermione Granger was not fifteen years old at the time of the Yule Ball. But since this didn’t go onto the charge list (and PitViperOfDoom is not available for "beta reading"), there is hope that Dark Lady Jane will not return to complain about it.

((Serious question: What would the community think about taking on a faulty mission report without asking for the author's consent? Obviously such an attempt would be condemned to fail, because it is impossible to break the creativity shield and actually change an existing mission report as long as this report’s author doesn’t agree. It still may be a way to acknowledge that the PPC is not infallible, like an errata for a printed book, but funnier than just a list of known errors.

ETA: This was initially written more than a year ago, but then Imperial Liechtenstein invaded Fanfic World. So, since I actually got Permission now, I would also like to know what the community thinks about making the Department of Inaccuracies a canon department. After all, PPCing the PPC may not be as bad an idea as I thought when I started this trilogy.

And although these are the badfic games, serious reviews – or sporkings – would be appreciated too. I’m still learning this job. I hope that everything bad in this mission report is intentionally so, and that everything I intended to be bad is actually perceived as typical badfic. But how can I know if you don’t tell me?

HG))

hohoho, I got kewl storiz!!1 by RIch@rd on 2016-09-20 18:49:00 UTC Reply

Zey are abaout tou siupah azants. Richard is suepah ajent of the PPC, with hiz syupah girlfriend, ah parner, Marina, who is a great wizard, who can do tech stuff and magic stuff at ze saime taime, not laike zis wik Dressden.

Richard is aosom tou, he kill Siu wif tou souordz aned iuzing a PErusona bicoz hi got tiz issiu in hiz heat. And when he want to do really esplozif stufff, he stzealz esplossifs to shoot hiz enemiz.

And togezer zey kill all ze worzt Siu, and zey are friendz wiv oll ze ajentz in PPC. Spchially Aviator. Chiz coul.

((Cannot believe I'm writing that.))

End anozeur stori!11! by RIch@rd on 2016-09-21 23:33:00 UTC Reply

Ze mine gai wont stop mi, jest bicoz Aim Frentch iznt a risone to tok to mi laik zis!

Richard end Marina are sent on e michion by ze bad Floouerz, hou haite Ajants. eunefortunételi, ze glitterbag zey ave to kill iz a bad troll, hou iz a bad writer on purepoz. it iz called Destroier, and it iz réli bad mini.

Leukili, Richard end Marina are ossome. Eu majic word f Marina méq ze mini euneibeul tou mouve, zen Richard shout hiz éd wiv hiz Evokeur for Perusona, bicoz hi nid it "Perusonah", hi sayz, and zen hiz ossome Perusona killz ze mini Troll.

((I began the accent thing as a spur of the moment thing, then continued because that was just too funny.))
A pitiful attempt at transitonliterating a French accent. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:10:00 UTC Reply

Honestly, in the time it took you to spew out this complete drivel and for me to read it I coul'dve done something useful with my life. Give me my 3 minutes back.

1/10, because at least you tried but on second thought it really wasn't worth it.

--

((Realtalk through: the Suethor French!accent voice is genius and perfectly over-the-top. Please, more.))

Do you perhaps mean transliterating? by Ronion on 2016-09-21 15:28:00 UTC Reply

Or is that just me looking through a thesaurus trying to find what cool looks like?

---

((This character is brilliantly observed.))

Yes. (nm) by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:35:00 UTC Reply

Darkheart & Lightheart: Chappie 1! by JayBird on 2016-09-20 16:28:00 UTC Reply

A/N: kk so i no i SED i was gonig to rite TEH DAUTER OF JAYACACA THONBIRD, but i dont' wat to so iI wote tihs insatd. enjo!!1

Jaycacia Thornbyrd leant against her husband, sketching a picture of them (A/N soo she has psychick powars wihch let her sea tehm like its form the oustide). "Do you remember when we all got pregnant and then Lux said the babies were all us?" she asked.

Yes, I do, my beloved, the Sunflower Official said, turning so she could sketch his face better (A/N NO he ash't got a fase but YU KNOWAT I MEN). It was so lucky that Medical was able to take all the babies out and have them be born and grow up in the past. And wasn't it strange that your baby turned out to be HQ?

Jaycacia giggled. "That was pretty strange, but also makes sense, because PPC HQ was my other parent, you know."

"But I'm your real parent, right?" Jay simpered, looking up from their bed. (A/N i ddin't manag to wirte it in but jAy is nacked in tihs seen oky?!!)

Jaycacia giggled. "You are the best kind of parent, my love," she said. "The kind who isn't related to me and so we can have sex!"

"Yay!" Jay bounced up and down in the bed. "Do you mean right now?"

"I wish we could," Jaycacia said, getting out of the bed, "but I sense a darkness growing in the heart of HQ. I have to go and solve it - for the sake of the PPC!"

And she swept out of the room, pausing only to grab a silk robe from the back of a chair. (A/N o yea and Jaycasia was nakee too. u no how ppl used to rite sotries with toppless elfs in??? its' like taht)

The Sunflower Official and Jay stared after their love. It's amazing how dedicated she is to the PPC, the SO said.

"If it weren't for her, the PPC would have been destroyed about a million times," Jay agreed. "We are so lucky to have her."

We are, the SO agreed. We are all so very lucky to have her.

~

"... normally around this point you say something."

Jay Thorntree looked up from her book. "Hm?"

Acacia Byrd gestured at the bustling Roman marketplace around them. "You come to my city. You track me down. You act surprised to see me. And then you say it."

"Do I?" Jay considered this. "I might just feel like coming to see you."

"Jay." Acacia pulled a tray of necklaces off the top of her handcart and tugged the cover over what remained. "Just admit it. She's back."

"Ah!" Jay beamed at her friend and held out a sheet of paper. "How did you know?"

Darkheart & Lightheart: Chappie 2!! by JayBird on 2016-09-21 10:22:00 UTC Reply

A/N omg NOW REVIES?!?!?! i tihnk i myt STOP WRITTIN ALL TO GET HER now!!!!! oky hers the necks chappi!

Jaycacia was walking purposefully along the corridor when a voice behind her snarled, "Mary-Sue!"

Jaycacia whirled, her powers at the ready to destroy whichever Mary-Sue had been foolish enough to infiltrate PPC HQ. "Where?!"

In front of her (A/N onli now taht shes' turnd a rond!1) stood a woman dressed in white. She had a large collar and an angry face. "It is you!" she snarled, pointing three guns at Jaycacia. "You are the Mary-Sue!"

Jaycacia gasped. "But Avatar!" she explained (A/N YE she reconis her SHHJ yol'l see in a minuet). "I thought we were friends!"

The Avatar pointed another gun at her. "So did I," she snarled, "but that was before I learned that you are... a Mary-Sue!"

"But I'm not," Jaycacia said. "That must mean... you have been tricked!"

She stretched out her mind, drawing on all the powers she had been granted by a wandering Flower years ago + the training the Sunflower Official had given her + her memories of her time as the Moonflower. "Why, Avatar," she gasped, "I didn't know you were... pregnant!"

"Yes I am," the Avatar snarled, "and it is my mother's instinct that tells me you are a Mary-Sue." She pointed another gun at Jaycacia (A/N hoe manny is taht now lol). "Now I am going to kill you, you Sue."

"But don't you see?" Jaycacia pleaded. "That is just what the one controlling you wants you to do."

"Hah!" the Avatar snarled. "No-one is controlling me."

"But they are!" Jaycacia pointed dramatically at the Avatar. "I sense a darkness within you... a darkness that comes from your baby... a darkness that has a name..."

(A/N DUN DUN DUUUUUUH)

~

"I like this Avatar woman."

Jay rolled her eyes. "You would; she's got more weapons than you can shake a stick at. Also: don't recommend shaking a stick at her."

Acacia threw a pitted olive at her friend's head. "You know what I mean, though. She saw Jaycacia as a Sue! She's the first person to do that since... well, us."

"Mm." Jay reached over and plucked the olive bowl from Acacia's fingers. "These are good. But you've missed something."

Acacia looked back at the sheaf of papers. "Yeah?"

"Mm-yup." An olive bounced off the final lines. "The Avatar, whoever she is, is a character in a Jaycacia Thornbyrd story. Take it from me - by the end of this, she'll either be dead, or in bed with Jaycacia."

Acacia mulled this over. "... I hate it when you're right."

Darkheart & Lightheart: Chappie 3!!! by JayBird on 2016-09-22 14:44:00 UTC Reply

A/N okies MidnightMariposa097, ill keep writting JSUT FOR YO.

"I sense a darkness within you... a darkness that comes from your baby... a darkness that has a name..."

"Acacia!"

Jaycacia span around. "That's exactly what I was going to say!"

Behind her, standing in the middle of the corridor, was a creature of lightning - a lion in blue and black - Zeb. "I don't know how," he said, stalking forward, "but when the badfic made the Avatar pregnant (A/N u see?! i Hav read teh sotries!!), it made her baby the dreaded Acacia Byrd."

"That's weird though," said Jaycacia, "because Acacia is supposed to be Dafydd Illian and Aurora E. Lorra's baby, and also how do you know?"

"That was what Lux told you, " Zeb said, "but she cannot be trusted, because her black magickckck was tricked, and also I know because I have evolved from electric type to magickckck type! But my magickckck is blue and not black, so it's better and doesn't lie."

"Wow," said Jaycacia. "But how does that even work?"

Zeb reached her side and looked up/down at his partner (A/N not sur how tal he iss?). "Where did you think Lux got her magickckck from?" he asked. "I was a Luxray - now I am a LUXURY, like her! The male ones look like me and are blue magickckck type but the female ones look like her and are black magickckck type, it's like the colours on my fur."

"Wow," said Jaycacia. "But she is sexy and you're a cat."

"That's true," Zeb said, "but I can turn into a man, look." And he turned into a man and then he turned back.

"Wow," said Jaycacia. "So what do we do now?"

"There's only one thing we can do," said Zeb.

~

"So Lux is a Pokemon now?"

"Hmph."

"And magic-type... I don't follow the fandom, but I'm pretty sure that's not a thing."

"Hmph."

Jay glanced over at her friend. "And you are in a massive sulk, be-cause...?"

Acacia's finger stabbed down on the paper. "I'm supposed to be dead."

"Well, you know, dead, evil baby taking over your mother's mind..." Jay tipped her head to the side. "When you think about it, there's a lot of similarities..."

Darkheart & Lightheart: Chappie 4!!!! by JayBird on 2016-09-23 14:42:00 UTC Reply

An/ tahnks MidnightMariposa097 && Amomynous for ur revuews!

"We're going to have go to back in time to before the badfic got the Avatar pregnant and make her pregnant ourselves!

Jaycacia blinked. "What?"

The Avatar blinked. "What?"

"It's the only way!" stated Zeb. "We can't make the baby go away or else we could destroy the entire time continuum!"

"He's right you know," said the Avatar, putting away her guns. "That's what would happen if you took my baby."

"Thanks, partner." Zeb smiled at her. "But if we go back and make her have a different baby in her instead, then everything will be fine! And also Acacia will never be born, so you won't have to have a bad mother."

"Wow," said Jaycacia, "that makes a lot of sense. But how are we going to go back in time?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Avatar. "I have a Tardies which we can use."

"But you can't come!" said Zeb. "If you see your past self that would destroy the time continuum!"

"But no it won't," said the Avatar. "Because that was before I regenerated so I looked different (a/n here babie wos okae wehn she regnertated so dot' worrt!)."

"Oh okay then," said Zeb. "Let's go!"

So Jaycacia and Zeb and the Avatar went to the Avatar's Tardies and got into it. "Engage!" shouted the Avatar, and the Tardies read her mind and transported them back to when the Avatar got pregnant with the badfic. Then they stepped out and looked around for her.

"Oh no!" shouted Jaycacia, pointing at where the Avatar (a/n teh old on mot the nev one!) was getting into bed with the badfic. "We're too late!"

~

Acacia leant on the windowsill, gazing out at the city. "You know, there's a poet around somewhere who insists on comparing Rome to a woman - beautiful, wise, faithful, all that."

Jay looked up from the roasted dormouse she had been dubiously prodding. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Acacia looked down at the page in her hand. "Sometimes I wonder if he's ever met a real woman."

"Hey, now, that's not fair." Jay surreptitously wiped her greasy finger on her sleeve. "There's lots of- some- there's got to be at least one woman who's really like that."

"I'm reading Jaycacia Thornbyrd stories." Acacia carefully tore off a corner of the paper and began to fold it in half repeatedly. "It's not exactly conducive to faith in humanity..."

Darkheart & Lightheart: Chappie 5!!!!! by JayBird on 2016-09-26 11:17:00 UTC Reply

a:n OMGH BRANDY BABY!1! glonks* i misset yu! aslo i tohught at frist yo siad you wre bussy wit boys adn stuf LIL!!!! neway so i wes gonig to stop but YOI INSIPID ME TO KEEP GONIG yya!

"No!" stated Zeb. "We cannot be too late! We have to get in there and have more sex with her than the badfic is! (a/N so kk iM not sur how geting prengant words?! LOK i meen I KNW hoe it wrosk but whn tehres' more tahn 1 boy?!? anways i tHink tihs is write)"

"Okay," yelled Jaycacia. Then Jaycacia and Zeb and the Avatar ran across the room. They took each others' clothes off as they ran, and also Zeb turned into his hott human form. Then they reached the bed. Then Zeb shouted "Avatar I am here to get your pregnant so the badfic doesn't!", and the Avatar said "Oh okay," but the badfic said, "No I will get her pregnant."

So then Zeb tried to have sex with the Avatar, but the badfic kept confusing him so he had sex with Jaycacia (A/N GodMooodAdict!1!! yu can sned taht intwerebs to mi enail anddress!!!) or the new Avatar instead. But also Jaycacia sacrificed herself and made the badfic have sex with her, so it couldn't confuse Zeb as much as it wanted.

So Zeb managed to have lots of sex with the Avatar. "Yes!" he shouted. "Now we will stop the evil Acacia being born ever!"

Then a bolt of midnight lightning cracked down from the ceiling and knocked Zeb off the bed.

"Oh no!" cried Jaycacia. "We are having sex!" (A/N so funi sotry my fiend wantsed tihs to be a VERI RUDE line adn i sad NO WAU but I sill licked teh Joke so i Sad it like tihs insetd. hop thats' okies!)

"Oh yes," cackled an evil voice, "you are doubly having sex! For not only have I stopped Zeb from getting the Avatar pregnant with his nice baby (and also now the badfic is having sex with her instead so it will deffo be an evil baby), but also I am already back!"

"Oh no!" cried Jaycacia again. "Mother!"

"Oh yes," cackled Acacia Byrd. "I'm ba-ack!"

~

Acacia put the page down carefully. "Oh, hells."

((I intended for real!Acacia to go on a long rant here, but checking, that's really not her style. So she gets understated instead.))

((Also, JayBird has been writing Jaycacia stories for 12 years, which - assuming FF.net rules for fanficcers - makes her at least 25. Dwell on that for a moment, and then "repeat to yourself, it's just a game/I should really just relax...!"))
JayBiiiird!!1~! by brandywine_baby89 on 2016-09-26 00:34:00 UTC Reply

OMG I'm sorry I haven't reviewued ur story yat, I've been supoer bys w/school an stuff. :( But don't stop now bxus u r super gr8 and I need 2 know wat happens w/; Jaycacia and the Avatar!!! ILU!!!

XOXOX

Moar!11!! (nm) by Anonymous on 2016-09-23 12:13:00 UTC Reply
Aww, thank you! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-23 01:29:00 UTC Reply

I'm ever so grateful! The magickckck type was absolute genius! Please, please, I can't wait to see the end! More, more! Snickers intensify.

No, no, don't stop writing! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:51:00 UTC Reply

I totally want to see what happens next! And I want to know about this Avatar person! And I can't wait to read what happens at the end! Snickers.

Let's see how I do with LotR by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-20 16:10:00 UTC Reply

I literally haven't read LotR so let's see how I do with it. Dr. McNinja/LotR/Some other stuff crossover. My 1st fic plz R&R, be nice!

"Wait! I want to join" Dr. McNinja said to B0romir
"Why"
"Because it sounds fun" "Ok" the dwarf or whatever said
They were in Riverdall and there was a pavilion or maybe a gazebo I don't know i only watched part of the 1st movie.

"Wait why is he wearing a necklace"
"That's Frodo and the One Ring we're gonna go destroy it" said Pippin "It's evil so we can't touch it"

"Ill carry it" the ninja replied "Ive handled the forces of Chaos befor except at that time it was an evil rainbow unicorn motorcycle thing"
"You sound qualified and brave, here you go" said Frodo handing over the ring.

So? What you think? I'm going to add other crossovers ande possibly sum pairings so stay tuned!

Part 3! by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-23 16:06:00 UTC Reply

A/N Thanks to MidnightMariposa097 for their loves! I rote pt 3 for all yallses!

"Fiineee," wined Luxury "I guess sticking around won't hurt to much"

"Good" said Dr. McNinja

At this point Gandalf said "The hell are you doing man there's only 9 of us. Begone!" and he threw fireworks at him but Dr. Mcninja did a double backflip to dodge and threw shruikens at Gandalf.

"Noooooooo" yelled Legolas but at that time Harry Potter showd up. "Protego tibi" and the shruiken bounced off the shield spell.

Everyone was in awe. "I am the most powerful wizard in the world" Harry said brandishing the Eldar wand "And by the way I'm comming to. Let's leave Gandlaf behind all he does is abandon people partway through the story for no reason"

Gandalf shrugged. "I can't argue with that logic. Good luck." And the new 13-member Fellowship set off. Gimli had no comment whatsoever because more powerful people would offset the unluckfulnessity of the number 13.
ummmm hoo ar tose ppl? by JayBird on 2016-09-20 16:12:00 UTC Reply

i meen I tihnk Boromor is an argent in Teim Pheonicks, rihgt? But I tihnk you wrote Dotcor Fizzgerald wron a bit.

Aslo tehre arent' any palivios in HQ. I sotped reading tehre.

O right PPC stuff by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-20 16:23:00 UTC Reply

I totally forgot so here you go

At that point the Librarian portaled in along with Luxury because she begged him to come along

"Who are you" the entire fellowship asked in unison except for Gandlaf because he was confused and senile.

"Oh no tey cn see us" said the Librarian
"I never even got any private time with you" bald Luxury

"Want to come with us" asked Dr McNinja "And of course I can see you I'm a ninja I can see everything"

"OMG YAASSSS I always wanted to be part of the Fellowship" said the Librarian.
"Um are you sure that's a good idea?" said Lux "I mean we are supposed to kill them right"
"But it's the Lord of the Rings! Think how much we'll be able to help with our canon knowledge" replied the Librarian.

"Plus it'll be more awesome with me here" pointed out Doctor McNinja. "Come on you know you want to"

"Fiineee," wined Luxury "I guess sticking around won't hurt to much"

This is so cool! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:47:00 UTC Reply

Can you put in more? Ooh! Do Tortall! Do Valdemar! Do Harry Potter! Do everything! Make this even more awesome!
Delete this story. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:42:00 UTC Reply

This si the first thing you should do. Then, unplug you're computer, disassemble the side panel, locate your hard drive, and destroy it. Is is the only way to make sure this literary plague doesn't spread to the rest of the planet.

You're borrowed characters are flatter than paper, your prose is drier than the soil of Mars, and its a miracle I haven't died of sheer boredom while reading your pitiful offering.

2/100. Only yhe appearance of Doctor McNinja is somewhat redeeming this story.
Concrit welcom BTW but no flamers I have no self esteem (nm) by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-20 16:26:00 UTC Reply

Crack pairing idea: by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-20 15:52:00 UTC Reply

Ill giv anyone a interwebz if they write a Jaycacia/Zeb fic

[Wonders at the horrific implications]

Write it yourself. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:54:00 UTC Reply

Or do you just sit around and demand free entertainment all the time?

--

((I am so sorry))

Mattman's Primal Reversion! by Mattman The Comet on 2016-09-20 15:29:00 UTC Reply

*Cue Primal Reversion SFX, the greek letter Xi appears instead of Alpha or Omega*

He's reverted to his mattman14 Form!

You know what, though, by Larfen J. Stocke, esq on 2016-09-21 06:18:00 UTC Reply

'Primal Reversion' is the most perfect name for the Badfic Games I've seen so far.

Hi there! Thanks for your enquiry. by support@fanficWorld on 2016-09-20 14:44:00 UTC Reply

We're currently experiencing technical difficulties here at fanficWorld, but stay tuned! We hope to resume normal service as soon as...

Hang on, it looks like our administrator wants to send a message of his own. Patching you through.

*kzzzzzzt*

-iruses against their laptops, right? At the same time, we'll strike at the fifth-storey server room, try to regain a foothold in-

Ah! Loyal supporters of fanficWorld, rejoice! After a year of hard fighting, we are finally on the verge of driving those rascals from Imperial Liechtenstein back from at least one of our server rooms! Admittedly, we might have to firebomb the servers to drive them out, but never fear! We'll have backups brought in as soon as we clear out the rest of the building.

In the meantime, don't let our oppression get you down! For you, fans of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, have a mission of your own to complete. And that mission is... WRITE MORE FANFIC! We may not be able to host it for you, but believe me, we are ROOTING for you to write it!

Okay, support@fanficWorld, you can take them back now. Girls and boys, this is going to be a tough mission, but the spirits of your departed predecessors in Tech Support are-

*kzzzzzzt*

Well... there you have it! A mandate from the boss himself to write as much as you can, in memory of all fanficWorld has been to you. This is support@fanficWorld - the site for the fanfic you can't find anywhere else - signing off.

Oh, and if someone could get a supply package through the blockade? I'm dying for a coffee.

Or, in other words... welcome to the PPC Badfic Game 2016.

What is this? This is the thread where we let our inner badfic writers have free rein. All PPC stories are technically fanfics of the Original Series - but they're all goodfics. That's clearly unreasonable - most fanfic of anything is terrible. So this is your chance to write the baddest of the badfics. Go nuts!

Who can I write about? Any agents in the PPC are open for you to mutilate. There's a Creativity Shield around ffW, so everything here is emphatically uncanon. The only exception is that, if someone asks in this thread that their agents not be used, please honour that. I can't imagine why you would, but the offer's there.

Where do I post? In this thread, please. As you can see, fanficWorld itself won't be involved in this year's game - I don't have the energy for archiving right now. (Yes, again. I know, I know. :()

What name should I post under? You should come up with the badficauthorest name you can, of course! Take a look at some of our previous examples.

What sort of story should I write? A bad one! Obviously. But also one that's fun to read. Illegible ultra-typo stories are a bit boring after the first one, y'know?

Can I leave reviews? Emphatically yes - that's half the fun of the game! But do remember to leave them in character - and equally, remember that the flames you receive are not real flames. They're a game. Don't get upset.

Do I need a beta? Hahahahahahahaha. Don't be ridiculous. ^-^ What sort of badfic writer has a beta?

Do I need Permission? Again, what sort of badfic writer asks permission? (No. No you don't)

Why are we doing this? Because it's fun!

hS

((Gack! No archiving again.)) by Hieronymus Graubart on 2016-09-20 22:08:00 UTC Reply

((I may need to rewrite the third part of the Department of Inaccuracies Trilogy into goodfic so that it can be archived in my upcoming spin-off. This, of course, means that the department will need to be made canonical. If agents wearing Octagonal Snowflake badges appear in the PPC, it’s your fault!

HG))

I know, I know. :-/ by Huinesoron on 2016-09-21 09:47:00 UTC Reply

I can probably archive the Inaccuracies story as a one-off (as I'll also be doing with Jaycacia, for the same reason); I just don't have the energy/time to do everything, because it takes /so long/.

hS

That would be nice. by Hieronymus Graubart on 2016-09-21 10:33:00 UTC Reply

Although it may not help to avoid the Octagonal Snowflakes, at least I would not feel like I must ask for Permission to create a new department before the "example mission" drops off the Board. This would give me more time to think about an alternative Flash Patch that is as hilariously unrelated as the Potted Cactus or the Three-Eyed Rubber Duck.

HG

RISE of the Aviator! by Gr8tstFanb0yoftheAegis97 on 2016-09-20 19:48:00 UTC Reply

Okay, guys, I decided to write about the Aviator cause she’s pretty cool. Hope you guys like it, and please review!

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

The sue was the one from Bird Brain, and she was talking about the difference between orcs and goblins and stuff, and the Aviator had had just about enough of her stupidity.

“They are exactly the same!” the Aviator exploded, grateful for the distraction. Then she pondered “But are they in the movieverse, though?”

Zeb said nothing (AN/: because I hate the character and feel like excluding him, it’s a creative choice so just live with it okay?)

“Well, it’s never said that they’re not,” the Aviator said to herself. She was annoyed. She tilted her head and thought. “I’m going to attack the Sue now, and I don’t have to worry about charging her because everyone loves me!”

Suddenly, Davros appeared behind her, cackling maniacally. ‘Capture her, my pretties!’ he cryed, as the Daleks shot tendrils of electricity and bound her painfully between the two (AN: I know they don’t in Doctor Who but these do cause Davros made these special Daleks). As the Aviator cried out in pain, she screamed, ‘Why?”

“SCIENCE!!!!!” Davros stated menacingly, and began to apply the electrodes, still cackling with glee as the Aviator saw wings conveniently placed in the corner. “NO! YOU’re gonna do to me what you did with that Sue!”

“Yes,’ said Davros, “I will. And I will tell you why, it is because of my fetish for wings, and my queen must be a winged Timelord!”

“You mean you’re going to make me. . .” her eyes dialed in horror, “The QUEEN of the Dalleks?!!!” Davros cackled in agreement.

“I’ll never love you!” the Aviator threatened bravely.
“That is why I have also procreated the Doctor!!” stated Davros, as the Doctor stepped into the laboratory room. The Aviator could see him over the top of the tight leather suit Davros had put her in before taking her to the opposite end of the compound and bounding her to the cold metal table (A/N: sorry, forgot to write that, lol).

The tall blonde Tim Lorde stepped from the shady doorway, and the Aviator could tell he was one of those Dalek slaves from that one episode with Amy and Rory’s divorce cause he had a blue-glowing-eye sticking out from his forehead. He also had wings, which he fluttered. Ignoring Davros’s sudden blush, she was suddenly intreeged, not just by the hot Timelord, but also by a plan! She had an idea!

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Okay, guys- that’s the end of my first chapter! Word says its like 500 words long- WOW!!! Hope the next one doesn’t take so long to write. Everyone who reviews to let me know they liked my story is the best!

HOW DARE YOU BASH MY ZEBBY-WEBBY!!!!! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:45:00 UTC Reply

He's a better person than you'll ever be! He's awesome! He's perfect! You won't get away with this! I'll do such terrible things to your precious Aviator that you'll think I was Iximaz herself!

((Falls over laughing)) (nm) by The Good Mod Addict on 2016-09-23 15:47:00 UTC Reply
I'm half-tempted to write a Notary/Zeb shipfic now. =] (nm) by Ronion on 2016-09-22 11:45:00 UTC Reply

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 14:27:00 UTC Reply

NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

((Oh, wow, now I kind of want to see that, just to revel in its awful glory. Look what you've done, 'Ronion'. Are you happy? Is this what you intended to cause?))

I agree, but with far fewer capital letters. (nm) by lightfairy406 on 2016-09-27 05:08:00 UTC Reply
Well, now you've forced my hand entirely. by Ronion on 2016-09-22 15:53:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimer goes here, dat claimer goes somewhere else: I don't own any of Scapegrace or Iximaz's characters. The PPC is under the stern and eternal guard of Jay and Acacia, who are all-knowing and ever-watching. Yes, even when you're in the bog. Especially then. Ancient Rome has changed them.

===

The room stank of sweat and heat.

That was what the Aviator noticed when she walked in, though she didn't so much notice it as feel it smack her in the face like she owed it money. She stumbled a little, grasping the doorframe to try and stay upright.

"Zeb."

"Uh... hi, Aviator." Two pointy grey-black ears peeked furtively out from behind the sofa. "You, uh, you had a good day?"

"Why did I have to force my way in here, Zeb."

"Oh, you did?" The Aviator could hear the blush in his voice. "Oh, um, yeah, that. Need to get on at BM about that door sticking."

"It sticks, Zeb, when you lock it, Zeb, and especially, Zeb, when you deadlock seal it, Zeb."

"Uh... hehe... it... does?"

"How did you even do that without opposable thumbs?"

"... hrdlbrblbp"

The Aviator leaned in, turning her head sarcastically. "Say wha?"

"I had a bit of help, okay? From my girlfriend. My partner, who is a girl, and who I am very happy with, and who is not my beard."

"Oh. Oh! You coulda told me! Come on, who's the lucky lady?" The Aviator bounced over, landed heavily on the sofa cushions next to Zeb... and stopped dead.

"A tha ba wha?"

"Um... we've been going out for some time."

"Ka ja va wha?"

"And, uh, well, we're into a lot of the same stuff."

"Ga ma pa wha?"

"And she helped me find an outfitter who does latex for people in my shape-"

"ARGHNRK!"

"Oh, come now, Moon Moon, don't twitch so," said the Notary far too primly for someone wearing what she was. "I'm sure you've seen a purple latex walrus costume before."

"Yeah... me and Antri. Are an us. So, uh, been up to much?"

Reviews of the security camera footage showed that the Aviator actually broke the land speed record when she bolted from the room.

Yaaaaaay by MotherShipper on 2016-09-23 15:54:00 UTC Reply

I love dis storie and look forward to more! Zeb mustlose all innocence and your the one to make it happin!

((GMA here, I decided to become something worse than my previous incarnation.))
BEKKJFS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??! ((ROFLs. Yay, acronym-verbs!)) by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-23 01:26:00 UTC Reply

((Is ROFLing still a thing, or am I being a crazy grandmother right now? But wow, this was hilarious! Absolutely lovely, truly lovely. Oh, right, there's also part where I'm supposed to respond to this in character. Ahem.))

NNNOOO!!! Zeb is too good for her! She's a horrible person! She's evil, and he's not! Go away, bad shipping! Shoo! Shoo! The Aviator's off my list now. Now, I'm gunning for the Notary! I WILL DESTROY HER! SHE WILL FEEL AGONY FOR ALL OF TIME!!!

So, a canon story then? This is Scapegrace, after all... (nm) by Ronion on 2016-09-23 03:58:00 UTC Reply

No... It will be worse... far worse... by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-23 05:02:00 UTC Reply

((Dun dun dun! In all reality, I doubt I can trump what I just read. Pardon me while I go read Gunnerkrigg Court, it looks fascinating.))

I look forward to seeing it... by Ronion on 2016-09-23 11:26:00 UTC Reply

And having Zeb undergo such elaborate torments that even Iximaz would balk at inflicting them on someone cute and fluffy.

((Yeah, Gunnerkrigg Court is amazing. And the fanbase is really smart - in one chapter, someone worked out that an unnamed character was Brunnhilde of the Valkyries from the fact that she kvetched about her dad and her magic used triangles. In a matter of days. That's why that one fic got my back up so much; it's a small fandom and a smart fandom, and it deserves better than that. Also, thank you for liking my work! I really do appreciate it. =] ))

I don't want to live on this planet anymore. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:24:00 UTC Reply

This is such abject dreck that I'm currently checking air fares to Mars at the moment. Its a little expensive but I think its worth it to put as much sistance between me and your story as humanly possible.

Your obviously using a popular if terribly boring character in order to cash into the armies of fanboys the Aviator has and accumulate readers. You're story is bad and you should feel bad.

You probably won't even post a part 2 because you ran out of insane ideas to fill your story with.

-1/10, need to clean my brain.
ummm kk. by JayBird on 2016-09-21 10:24:00 UTC Reply

butt Zed shud totlly hav deaten teh Darloks bedus he is ECLECTIC POWRD so he can soot tehm with ECLISITY. u cat juts ignoe him becs yo down't lick hin.
OMG SO HOT by ComputerNeko:3 on 2016-09-21 06:31:00 UTC Reply

Avie-senpai is so smexy *lercherous eyes* uwu I hope you finish the story cause I want more!! Your writing is really good I could really picture the surroundings. I dont watch Doctor Who but the Davos guy seems super cool, you did a good job describing him!!

((Meet an exaggerated version of Middle School!Key, who thought she knew what good writing was, and how to give concrit. . . Please note that the real me has never called anyone "senpai."))

Imperial Liechtenstein? by jebboy on 2016-09-20 17:23:00 UTC Reply

Wow so many people don't even know that country exists. It was a little surprising reading that.

I have no clue how we came up with that, either. by eatpraylove on 2016-09-23 15:15:00 UTC Reply

My suggestion is to just roll with it and laugh at our badfic author alter-egos.

I do have a clue by Hieronymus Graubart on 2016-09-23 16:41:00 UTC Reply

We probably didn’t want to offend the Vatican or any country that’s big enough to do something about it :-). And who would know Tuvalu, Nauru, San Marino or Palau (which is actually bigger than Liechtenstein, although it has less inhabitants). And Monaco (much smaller than Liechtenstein, but slightly more inhabitants) just doesn’t work.

Actually, we probably didn’t want to offend a fellow Boarder from that country, and the risk of ever seeing a Boarder from one of the countries listed above is negligible.

HG

You're all wrong. by Huinesoron on 2016-09-23 21:14:00 UTC Reply

The reason I picked Liechtenstein is that Liechtenstein is funny. ^^

(In 2011, the first year I couldn't be bothered with archiving, I blamed it on them occupying fanficland. The move in 2012 to fanficWorld was blamed on the continuing Liechtenstein oppression. They remain a helpful scapegoat.)

(Also I would never want to pin anything on San Marino. They made it through Italian unification, they must be scary people.)

hS

About San Marino... by Sergio Turbo on 2016-09-24 09:54:00 UTC Reply

Actually, it was left alone because they supported and sheltered people persecuted for... wanting Italy's unification.

Giuseppe Garibaldi allowed them to stay as their own nation out of sheer gratitude.

Tl,dr: San Marino remained independent because they supported the unification.

Something like that can work only here in Italy.

That is hilarious. by Huinesoron on 2016-09-24 14:56:00 UTC Reply

When they say truth is stranger than fiction... you couldn't get away with writing that.

hS

Supernumerary: Gay or European? by JokerKing420 on 2016-09-20 16:25:00 UTC Reply

A/N.: So, this is one of the ideas I had while looking up some funny music. I heard this song - HERE - and an image of the PPC sparked in my mind! You have to admit it's perfect! Don't forget to R&R - you'll get some fresh cookies!

Agent Nume (A/N.: Sorry, I'm gonna have to shorten his name - no way I'm gonna write it correctly every time) sits at one of the tables of the PPC Cafeteria. Several tables behind him there's a whole group of Agents (I'm talking The Aviator, Will GraY, Des, Dawn, Valon, whoever-else-you-want there, etc.) discussing him. Finally, when he can't hear them, Charlotte points at him:

There! Right There!
Look at that tan well-tended skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay.

The Librarian looks closer at Nume, as he's next:

I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not gay, I say, not gay.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)

That is the elephant in the room.
Well, is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?

(WILLIAM GRAY)
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

(CHARLOTTE)
Look at his silk translucent socks.

(THE LIBRARIAN)
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seein'

[Charlotte tilts her head.] What are we seein'?

Is he gay? [Charlotte mouths: Of course he's gay!]
Or European?

[Everyone "OOOOH"s]

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?

Everyone looks at Zeb, who only shrugs, "Well, hey, don't look at me."

(DAWN MACKENA)
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They both say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.
[Charlotte rolls her eyes] Oh please.

Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

(WILLIAM GRAY)
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Is he gay or European?
or-

The Aviator suddenly slams her hand on the desk, looking angery:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not gay, I say, no way.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume
Is automatically-radically
Ironically chronically
Certainly flirtingly
Genetically medically

[As they sing, Nume is seen talking to another male agent. They seem happy and flirty]

GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
[Nume kisses a woman agent on the hand] DAMNIT!

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Gay or European?

(THE LIBRARIAN)
So stylish and relaxed.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Is he gay or European?

(THE LIBRARIAN)
I think his chest is waxed.

(DAWN MC KENA)
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

(LOLA MCCANDLES)
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

(KARA JENG)
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.

(CHORUS OF AGENTS)
Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-

Finally, William stands up, silencing everyone. "Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try."

He walks up to Nume, speaking loud enough for everyone to hear. "So, Mr. Super... This alleged affair with Ms. Luxury has been going on for...?"
"2 years." He said.
"And your first name is...?"
"Nume."
"And your boyfriend's name is...?"
"Ilraen." He suddenly goes wide-eyed and coughs loudly. "I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend. I thought you say best friend. Ilraen is my best friend."

From the back of the group of Agents out comes very angry Ilraen, and screams at Nume. "You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it. I no cover for you, no more! Peoples." He turns towards the group. "I have a big announcement."

This man is Gay AND European!
And neither is disgrace
You gotta stop your being
a completely closet case.
It's me, not her, he's seeing.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming one-man cabaret.

Nume stiffens. "I'm straight!"
"You were not yesterday." Ilraen winks at him from one of his stalk eyes.

He stands on one of the table, as he and the Chorus finish!
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!
(And European!)
He's gay!
(And European!)
He's gay!
(And European) and Gay!

Nume slams hands on the table: "Fine okay I'm gay!"

HOORAY!

A/N.: So that's it. Let me know if you like it, and if you want another song done in the same way!!!!

Oh, come now. by Lemony Eggnog on 2016-09-26 00:45:00 UTC Reply

Everyone with eyes knows the answer to this question! Or at least, they do if they've read my fic. ; )

You haven't changed much from the original song, so 5/10 for creativity, but it is funny. I giggled. Hats off to you for that.

--Lemony

(( I am happy to know that this exists. It's not a perfect fit, but as Lemony says, it's funny. I giggled. ^_^

~Neshomeh ))
So perfect! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:43:00 UTC Reply

This was absolutely hilarious! Totally awesome! Please, more, more! Though why are Nume and Ilraen always shipped together? They know other guys, you know.
((I should be mad at Kala's comment, but I'm really not XD)) (nm by Voyd on 2016-09-21 17:02:00 UTC Reply
Lazy. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:28:00 UTC Reply

You just took the lyrics of a song and then jsut used the name of other agents to fill in the blanks like a desperate high schools student falsifying their bibliography in the vain hope that the teacher doesn't instantly recognize their plagiarism.

0. Just 0.

--

((I have to say that this song is terribly catchy. Now it's going to be stuck in my head forever.))
w0ww! by JayBird on 2016-09-21 10:29:00 UTC Reply

ddi you right taht snog all bi yurself?!?!?!?
That was......... by mattman14 on 2016-09-20 17:20:00 UTC Reply

.........Bloodt hilarrious, keep up the gooed work

[[*Whole hearted, subconsciousness clapping*]]

Becoming Human by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-20 15:27:00 UTC Reply

SUMMARY: When Supernumerary asked to be partnered with an Andalite, he had no idea how deep the partnership would become. SupernumeraryxIlraen.

A/N: HI GUYS!!! So I decided I'm going to finally start that Nume/Ilraen fic that's been bouncing around in my head! Hope you like!

Chapter One

Supernumerary of the Department of Improbably Crossovers was sitting in a chair reading a book. He looked up whe nhe heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he said and got up to answer it. He almost fell over when he realized the Flowers had sent him an Andalite. "Are you my new partner?" he asked eagerly.

The Andalite nodded. "My name is Ilraen." He said. (A/n I can't remember the rest of his name sorry!) "I was rescued from a badfic. It is very nice to meet you." He held out a hand and they shook.

Nume was startled when an electric shock past between them but he shook it off and stood aside, holding the door open so Ilraen could come in. "I'm Supernumerary," he said. Ilraen smiled.

"I don't think you're supernumerary at all." He said, "Even if you are in a rather small department."

"No no, that's my name," Nume said, laughing. "So what brings you to the PPC?"

"I am a badfic rescue." Ilraen said, his extra eye things moving around as he looked at the RC. "But I was given a chip in my head that gives me information about the Andalite home world so I can better act like a real Andalite." He smoothed down his cerulean fur then laced his fingers together. "It will be good to get settled in."

"I could give you a tour later." Nume said.

Ilraen smiled, except with his eyes because he didn't have a mouth. "I would like that very much."

A/N: More to come as I get inspired! More reviews=MORE INSPIRATION!!!

Becoming Human, Chapter Two by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-20 15:38:00 UTC Reply

A/N: @GodMooodAdict!1!! IKR?!! Thank you so much for the nice review! Everyone, Make sure to review if you want more!

Chapter Two

As Nume and Ilraen were walking down the corridor, Ilraen stopped when a new smell hit his nose. "What is that?!" He asked alarmed.

Nume looked at him. Curious. "What's what?" He asked.

"That smell!" Ilraen said looking around.

"That's food." Nume said. "Food is something humans eat to live." He said noticing Ilraen's confused face. "You eat with your hoofs, we eat with our mouths."

"What is a mouth?" Ilraen asked

"This." Nume opened his mouth to show him. "Mouths are also used for talking. And... other things."

"What other things?" Ilraen asked.

"Maybe I'll tell you later" Nume said embarrassed. He liked Ilraen, not in that way (YET) and didn't want to scare him off so soon as partners. Mersifully he was saved when they heard their console going off back in their RC. "Oh hey look at that, we have a mission." Nume said hurrying away.

A/N: Ooooh Ilraen gets to become human for the first time next chappie! Stay tuned and don't forget to leave nice reviews!

Becoming Human, Chapter Three by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-20 15:55:00 UTC Reply

A/N: @mattman14 Thank you!

Everyone else, review! More reviews, more chapters! Everyone wins!

Chapter Three

After Nume and Ilraen got their disguises set they went through the portal into the mission. Immediately Ilraen tripped and almost fell over because he wasn't used to two legs but Nume caught him.

Nume realized he was holding a very handsome good looking young man with bright red hair in his arms and he almost dropped Ilraen in suprise. His heart fluttered and they just looked at eachother for a while as Ilraen's face slowly started turning the same color as his hair.

Finally Nume coughted and said "Right then, up you get." He helped Ilraen to stand.

"This is very uncomftorbale," Ilraen said. "How are you supposed to balance on just two legs?"

"I can help with that." Nume said and held out his hand. "Here. Hold my hand." His face was slowly becoming the same color as Ilraen's hair too. "It will help you keep your balance while you learn."

Ilraen nodded and held Nume's hand. His face was red as he got his balance. "Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of—" He said letting go.

Ilraen yelped and fell over taking Nume with him. Nume ended up lying on the ground with Ilraen on top of him.

They were quiet for a moment. Nume's face was now bright red.

"Um." Nume said.

"Um." Ilraen said too.

"Get off me." Nume finally said, and gently pushed Ilraen off him.

"I think I will need to keep holding your hand a little longer." Ilraen said, and blushed. "Just for educational purposes you know."

Ilraen nodded. "Yes, that would be a good idea." He hoped Nume couldn't tell how embarassed he was.

Nume rubbed the back of his neck. "Yes, that's a good idea." He agreed. "But not for too long." He added quickly. "You need to learn how to walk on your own after all."

Ilraen smiled. "I am a fast learner." He said. "Speaking of learning, when will you tell me those other things mouths are used for? Now that I have one I would like to learn."

Nume's face was as red as it could get. "Maybe later." He said quickly. "right now we have a mission to do."

Ilraen nodded. "Then let's do this."

A/N: Wow this was a long chapter! And Oooh, we have them being all cute and awkward around eachother!! <3 <3 Don't forget to review!!

Becoming Human, Chapter Four by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-22 00:20:00 UTC Reply

A/N: So many nice reviews (Exsept from The Great destroyer, I bet you didn't get enough hugs from your mommy, did you, you big baby?)! Hope you all like the new chater!

Chapter Four

Nume and Ilraens mission was a tough one but they got the job done. They detangled the mized up continuas and went home to their RC where Nume was sad because Ilraen had to go back to being an Andalite.

Then he had an idea.

"Hey Ilraen." Nume said. "Want to go to New Caldonia?"

"What's that?" Ilraen asked.

"It's the city where the PPC is." Nume said. "We could go get ice creams together."

"What's that?" Ilraen asked.

Nume smiled, "Ice cream is a type of food. Humans eat it for fun."

Ilraen looked confused. "Why would you not eat for nourishment?" he asked.

Nume smiled again, "Because. You'll see why soon."

A/N: Oooh a cliffie! Lol. Review! BUT NO FLAMES!!!

OMG!!! by MidnightMariposa097 on 2016-09-22 07:39:00 UTC Reply

I luved this soooo much! They're, like, so cute together! Please, more, more! I want 500 words per chapter! No, wait, 1000! No, 5000! Yeah, that's enough!
113 words of uselessness. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-22 04:08:00 UTC Reply

Most people would consider this a single moment in a scene but you're dead imagination decided to package a trivial conversation as an entire chapter.

Furthermore, your cahracterization is so flat that construction workers are using it as a level balance.

Dreadful effort. 0.2/10, learn to write.

Learn to write, he says... by Ronion on 2016-09-22 11:40:00 UTC Reply

Learn to write. Where do you suggest she start, hm? Your/You're differentiation? Spelling? You know, those things you can't do reliably either?

All you accomplish with your posts is venting your own spleen. If you think people should improve, give them pointers as to how. Anything else is just meaningless noise.

Of course, meaningless noise is rather your métier, so you're not going to change, but at least I can feel better for having made the effort.

Rubbish. by The Great Destroyer on 2016-09-21 15:52:00 UTC Reply

Its like you watched a low quality romance series before writing this abomination. While grammmatically correct, your filling these chapters with so much clichays that it becomes horrendously impossible to read. It's all déja-vue and bland and overall gross.

You're time is wated on this site. Go outside and do something productive instead.

yawn/10. Next.
yaaaaaaaag! by JayBird on 2016-09-21 10:27:00 UTC Reply

taht is petty cute! hav yu got ane hatters yet whu say yu sohuldnt' mack Supernumberary and Illian gay?! becuse if yoi do TEHYR'E WRON.
dis iz gr8! by Nifar teh Pirate King on 2016-09-21 00:50:00 UTC Reply

I totes can't wait to see more!
*manly squelling* by mattman14 on 2016-09-20 16:27:00 UTC Reply

its son cute! i want more1

[[I'm just gonna sit around in this hellscape of my primaly reverted brain until my agents come around]]

Next Chappter?! Yat! by mattman14 on 2016-09-20 15:43:00 UTC Reply

I abosolutely love this so far keep uup the godo work1

[[Protesting screams are heard subconsciously by everyone, they elect to ignore it]]

SQUEEEE! by GodMooodAdict!1!! on 2016-09-20 15:34:00 UTC Reply

OMG I just looove what youve done here

Im just so glad that somone else sees the Nume/Ilrean pairing and i can't wait to see what you come up with! Keep it up!!!

Yaaaay! I've been waiting for this!~ by MrsSupernumerary on 2016-09-20 15:11:00 UTC Reply

And I am so, so very sorry for how immature I've been in years passed. Now I'm going to write MATURE Nume/Ilrean slashfics for ALL YOUR ENJOYMENT! :DDDDD