Subject: Sexy Times With Jieyuan [1/?]
Posted on: 2021-09-07 12:47:20 UTC

Title: Sexy Times With Jieyuan
Author: Lilith Wydenbrooke
Pairing: Jacques Bonnefoy/Liu Siyuan
Rating: NC-17 ((actually more like PG-15 lol))
Warnings/Tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Content Warnings, Pancakes, Maple Syrup, Inappropriate Use of Food, I'm bad at tagging, I'm bad at summaries, Bottom Liu Siyuan, Top Liu Siyuan, Top Jacques Bonnefoy, Bottom Jacques Bonnefoy, Closet Renovations, Marie Kondo, Body Hair, Waxing, Baby Dolphins, Narnia, Internet Searches, Teacher/Student Roleplay, Naughty Student, Corporal Punishment, Miette, Haddocks, The Knights Who Say Ni, Monty Python Jokes, Mangoes, Horses, Business Practices, Corporations, Office Setting, Princess Carrying, Swooning, Resurrection, Selfcest, Clones, Catboys, Catboy Liu Siyuan, ((there will be more tags as I add more chapters, I am so sorry hS))
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin: Jieyuan having fun times together. Don’t think too much about the details! -wink-

Sexy Times With Jieyuan

Chapter One: For The Love of Maple Syrup

It was just another morning at the Protector of Plot Continuum headquarters. Liu Siyuan watched Jacques tuck into his pancakes with a fond smile. The pancakes were perfectly fluffy, made from the right combination of flour and butter and eggs and baking powder. The maple syrup was harvested from only the finest of maple trees in Canada.

“Do you like your pancakes, Jacques?” wondered Liu Siyuan.

Jacques waggled his eyebrows. “They’re perfectly fluffy.” he said. “I like them very much.”

“Good,” declared Liu Siyuan, whipping off his apron to reveal he was not wearing anything underneath. He grabbed the bottle of maple syrup freshly harvested from Canada, and poured it down his chest. “Would you like to have me next?”

“And this,” said Jacques Bonnefoy smugly as he watched his friend scroll down the tablet, “is an example of a functional creativity shield.”

Liu Siyuan raised an eyebrow at Jacques from over the tablet. “This is an example of a spring palace novel about our lives,” he stated.

“Yes, but the fact that I’m not licking maple syrup off your chest right now is proof that the creativity shield around FanficLand is working,” Jacques winked at him, as if to suggest he would probably be down to do so if Liu Siyuan bothered to ask. “What do you think, though?”

“Of the spring palace novel?” wondered Liu Siyuan, his brows now knitting together. He scrolled a little further. “This is all the same sex scene?”

“Yep.” Jacques accentuated the ‘p’. “Seems accurate?”

Liu Siyuan’s entire expression wrinkled. “I decline to answer that question.”

“I was cleaning out your closet the other day,” said Liu Siyuan later after hours of lovemaking, as he traced patterns down Jacques’ chest. Jacques needed to wax his chest. He was getting a little too hairy. Liu Siyuan liked it much more when Jacques’ chest was as smooth as baby dolphins. But it didn’t really matter, because Jacques was perfect no matter what amount of body hair he had. “I found something very strange.”

“Did you find Narnia?” asked Jacques.

“Worse,” said Liu Siyuan. “I found your internet browsing history.”

Jacques’ cheeks flushed plum blossom pink. “Siyuan, I respect you very much and would never do any of the things—”

He was cut off by Liu Siyuan kissing him. “I want to do all of the things with you,” he said.

“Okay!” said Jacques happily.

“Why would it matter to me what amount of body hair you possess?” wondered Liu Siyuan as he paused in his scrolling to boggle at this scene. “Also… baby dolphins? Do adult dolphins not have smooth skin?”

“It’s a turn of phrase,” said Jacques. “And for the record, getting your chest as ‘smooth as baby dolphins’ is pretty painful, if you’re using wax.”

“Wax,” echoed Liu Siyuan. “Like… from candles?”

Jacques laughed. “No, not really. Don’t use candle wax on your body, like, ever.”

“Thank you,” said Liu Siyuan, puzzled. “I have no idea when I would ever be in a scenario where I would want to, but… thank you.”

Jacques shrugged. “I mean, you never know. It could have been in my internet browsing history.”

“Why would I want to check your… browsing history?” Liu Siyuan shook his head. “I do not need to invade your privacy in order to figure out that your tastes run more eclectic than my own.”

That earned him a chuckle. “Touché,” said Jacques. “Read on. Apparently ‘all of the things’ starts with some light teacher-student roleplay.”

“You spank Liu-laoshi?” gasped the cultivator in mock horror. “You pull his hair like the blushing schoolgirl? Oh! Oh! Detention for Jacques! Detention for Jacques for the next seventeen hours!”

“Oh really?” asked naughty schoolboy Jacques, clambering onto the teacher’s desk and pulling Liu Siyuan forward by his sexy blue-green tie. “And how are you going to punish me in detention, Liu-laoshi?”

Liu Siyuan responded by kissing his student, who responded by opening his eager pink boy mouth like a ripe blossom —

“I never want to see the phrase ‘eager pink boy’ ever again,” said Liu Siyuan, throwing the tablet down on the sofa with a horrified shudder. “I feel as if I need to take a shower now, and I have not even read the worst of the sex scenes.”

“What a coincidence. I also need to take a shower.” Jacques winked.

“You are as incorrigible as the Jacques in this story.” Liu Siyuan shook his head. “This Lilith Wydenbrooke has captured your shamelessness perfectly.”

Jacques pouted at him. “Hey!”

Liu Siyuan grabbed the tablet and lightly bopped him on the head with it in a way that he could only have picked up from Dawn McKenna, before reluctantly (and with clear Morbid Curiosity in his eyes) continuing to scroll through the fic.

“No!” gasped Liu Siyuan. “You can’t do that—you’ll die! Or even worse, you’ll be stranded in the Void forever and I won’t ever be able to find you!”

“If that’s what it takes,” said Jacques, pausing just to kiss his cultivator one last time, “then it’s worth it. You are worth fighting for.”

Liu Siyuan swooned into Jacques’ arms like a distressed damsel. “Oh, Jacques, take me now!” he begged, ripping his robes open. Jacques picked him up into a princess carry.

“Of course,” he said, with another kiss. “Just one more for the road.”

“Oh, that was unexpected.” Liu Siyuan frowned. “When did it get serious?”

“This fic has the pacing of a low-budget soap opera,” said Jacques. “I honestly have no idea. Maybe somewhere around the time our in-fic selves decided to start a business called Jieyuan Co. Ltd.?”

“We start a business?” Liu Siyuan’s brows furrowed deeper.

“Yeah, apparently it gets bigger than the twenty-first century Kerblam, whats-its-name, Dauntless? Open Sesame?”

“I have no idea,” confessed Liu Siyuan. “Again, I feel as if I need cultural annotations for every other sentence people say to me here.”

Jacques chuckled. “I remember that feeling all too well. Anyway, keep reading, you haven’t even gotten to the unhinged part yet.”

When Jacques opened his eyes again, the first face he saw was Liu Siyuan’s. “Siyuan!” he gasped, clambering into a sitting position. Liu Siyuan pushed him back down, kissing him.

“You’re still hurt,” said the cultivator, “and should relax.”

“I’m fine! The immortality thing sorta resets me, you know,” said Jacques, but he kissed back nonetheless, his hands coming up to cup the sides of Liu Siyuan’s face. Liu Siyuan pulled back with a sigh, before turning and shouting:

“A-Wang! Yuanyuan! Sect Leader Liu! Jacques is awake again!”

Almost immediately, a younger version of Liu Siyuan with short cropped hair and an ESAS t-shirt came running in. “Jacques!” he said happily. “You’re okay! We missed you lots and lots!”

Just behind him was a slightly older Liu Siyuan with his short hair in a white-to-black-ombre. He had cat ears on his head and they twitched. “It’s good to see nya awake~” purred the cat boy, his tail flicking happily. “Yuanyuan has missed master very myach.”

And then finally, another set of arms wrapped around Jacques from behind, and a pair of lips pressed themselves against his ear. “I am gratified to see you alive and well again, Jieke,” drawled a dulcet sexy low voice, and when Jacques turned to see who it belonged to, he saw the face of Liu Siyuan as a legendary immortal beauty, the cold and refined Sect Leader of Liuying Valley. His hair was done up with an elaborate silver and jade hairpiece in the shape of a crane, and his robes were in the finest of blue-green and white silks.

The original Liu Siyuan squeezed his hand. “We were all so concerned for you this time. It was the combined power of our love that brought you back from the Great Void. We hope you will not be so reckless with yourself in the future.”

“You have all of us to choose from!” added the youngest Liu Siyuan. “A-Wang hopes Jacques will take it easy and let us pamper him!”

Jacques couldn’t help but grin as he stroked his hand through A-Wang’s hair. “Of course. Where do I begin?”

Liu Siyuan closed the tablet and set it down on the coffee table, wide-eyed. Jacques raised an eyebrow at him.

“Unhinged, right?” he asked.

“That door certainly is missing a few hinges,” agreed Liu Siyuan, folding his hands in his lap. “Three copies of myself?”

Jacques raised his other eyebrow. “That’s the strange part for you?”

Liu Siyuan looked at him sharply. “That’s not?” he demanded.

“Well, there is a Mirror Multiverse, for one,” said Jacques, “and the Transfictional Canonical Defence Authority, and a bunch of other alternate timelines and parallel timelines and whatnot. I’ll even bet good money that there’s some wuxia-style Plot Protection Sect now that you’re around.”

Liu Siyuan stared at him as if he’d grown a second head. Jacques chuckled at him.

“Look, last year I might have gotten caught in a couple weak spots between alternate universes, and I… might have met some alternate versions of myself.”

Liu Siyuan’s expression seemed to suggest he was tacking on a third head. Jacques laughed and shook his head.

“It’s not that serious, I promise. We mostly leave each other alone. But you know, now that you’re involved in my life, you might also end up with a couple… alternate timelines of your own.”

“This tells me you have already met some of these alternate mes,” said Liu Siyuan, his eyes narrowing.

Jacques snorted. “If they’re alternate versions of you, are they really worth the vinegar?”

Liu Siyuan huffed. “What makes you think I am jealous of them?” he wondered drily, before crossing his arms and adding, “Which ones have you met?”

“Aah, I think… the one called A-Wang in the fic,” said Jacques, rubbing his temples. “And the sect leader one. Haven’t seen the catboy one. Yet.”

Liu Siyuan shuddered. “Thank heavens that was all,” he said, nodding at the tablet.

Jacques shook his head. “Siyuan, ah, that’s exactly how you incur the wrath of the Ironic Overpower!”

((Lilith Wydenbrooke and her hacker are back in business, everybody!

ETA: Eledhwen, Christianne, Dis, the Agent, and Liu Siyuan are fair game for badfic (though I would be pretty amused to see anyone try to write LSY with him appearing in exactly 1 thing so far). Jacques is being used here with the knowledge (and general morbid amusement) of Zingenmir.))

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