Subject: rnt u liek, 14?
Author:
Posted on: 2021-09-09 14:47:32 UTC
shouldn't u b on club penguin instead uv reeding adult-rated fanfiction?
((someBODY once told me the Daleks gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the TARDIS... ;P ))
We
Are
BACK!!!
It has been a long, hard struggle, but we've finally reached an agreement with Hereditary Prince Alois of Liechtenstein that will allow us to relaunch our website! We do have to abide by a few conditions, such as:
No disparaging the name of Prince Regnant Hans-Adam II (a delightful man who we're sure had only the best intentions in launching his unprovoked attack in Fanfic Land back in 2010)
No writing new JavaScript (apparently 'JvScr*pt' is a rude word in Liechtenstienian...ese)
No singing Meatloaf songs, especially 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' (gee, where have we heard that one before?)
But forget about that, as Acacia once said to Jay, probably. We are thrilled, thrilled, to welcome all fans of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to fanficVERSE, to write all the PPC fanfics you've ever dreamed of. Forget about 'canon'. Forget about 'permission'. Forget about 'elbows'. Forget everything except writing all the PPC fanfics you've ever... no, we did that one already, you get the picture.
fanficVERSE - for the fanfic you can't find anywhere else - and that's a promise.
What is this? This is the thread where we let our inner badfic writers have free rein. All PPC stories are technically fanfics of the Original Series - but they're all goodfics. That's clearly unreasonable - most fanfic of anything is terrible. So this is your chance to write the baddest of the badfics. Go nuts!
Who can I write about? Any agents currently in the PPC are open for you to mutilate. There's a Creativity Shield around ffV, so everything here is emphatically uncanon. Try to avoid using abandoned agents whose creators have left, and if someone asks in this thread that their agents not be used, please respect that.
Where do I post? In this thread, please. ffV is now up, running, and incredibly simplified so even I might get round to archiving the event in some finite time, but all fics are still posted on the Board.
Is anything different now we have an archive again? Not really. If you want to add to the fun by writing an author profile or giving your stories summaries, please do! If you don't, I'll just fudge something in. XD
What name should I post under? You should come up with the badficauthorest name you can, of course! You can find many previous examples on fanficVERSE (2004-2014 excluding 2011, plus 2019-20), and the rest on the wiki (until the archiving process is complete).
What sort of story should I write? A bad one! Obviously. But also one that's fun to read. Illegible ultra-typo stories are a bit boring after the first one, y'know?
Can I leave reviews? Emphatically yes - that's half the fun of the game! But do remember to leave them in character - and equally, remember that the flames you receive are not real flames. They're a game. Don't get upset.
Do I need a beta? Hahahahahahahaha. Don't be ridiculous. ^-^ What sort of badfic writer has a beta?
Do I need Permission? Again, what sort of badfic writer asks permission? (No. No you don't.)
Why are we doing this? Because it's fun! And traditional!
((Stealing the FAQ from Tomash, who lifted it from Iximaz, who borrowed it from me, who nicked it from whoever posted in 2017, who cribbed it from me, who... you get the picture. ~hS))
((No, no it cannot.))
((Warning for gore, although all such instances have been spoilered.))
A/N: You are Sir Kit.
You are a member of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (henceforth known as the PPC). You work as an assassin and have been resting before the console beeps again.
[BEEEEEEEP!]
You growl and get out of bed, slapping the accept button and reading the summary to the badfic.
"The plot thickens." You mutter to yourself. "So much for this being a good night..."
You say "Hey, mate! We got another mission! It's a bad one!"
You wake up your partner, Alicia.
You enter the code for contacting her and you watch as she wakes up. Her eyes flicker open and she smiles when she sees who is calling.
"Glorious leader! What can I do for you?"
You say "We gotta a mission. And don't call me that."
Alicia rolls her eyes. "But Glorious Leader, we have uncovered evidence that the enemy has made a major attack. We need to go and support our brethren!"
You sigh. Alicia is always like this. You don't even know how the Flowers haven't declared her officially flamethrower mad. Then again, everyone is mad here.
You drag her to the Bag of Holding. "Pack up the stuff we need. I'll program the coordinates into the console."
"But, what about your side project?" She says, frowning.
"It can wait," You reply. "I'm the Great Lich Lord. I cannot be denied." You pat your chest proudly.
You figured it would shut her up for two seconds.
You program the coordinates into the portal maker thingy.
"What's your Hogwarts house?" you ask.
"Gryffindour," She replies.
"Good. Pick up the bag, then come over here."
You watch as she walks over. "Harry Potter, o' Glorious Leader?" she asks.
"No, Twilight," you respond. "Yes, Harry Potter! Now, come on Alicia, let's go defeat another Sue." You both walk through the portal.
You and Alicia have been turned from an elf and robot respectfully to two generic Hogwarts students. She is a Gryffindour; you are a Ravenclaw. The others are a boy and a girl from Hufflepuff and Slytherin respectively. The two from the top schools get killed almost immediately.
"Dang Sue," you growl. "Where's the bag? I need to start charging her."
"I brought it over here, why?"
You look over to her; she's frowning at you. "What?"
"You're acting really weird, and weird is scary."
"You're mad, I can be as 'really weird' as I want," you say. You dig through the Bag of Holding for your charge list and a pencil. While you write down charges, Alicia reads ahead in the Words.
"Why is the Sue a vampire?" Alicia asks.
"To be speshul," you reply. You put away the charge list and continue to watch the story unfold in front of you.
Alicia begins to laugh, and you look at her. "What?"
"I'm not a vampire!" She says, laughing. She attempts to strike a pose, but falls over instead.
"We know this. Shhh!" you say. You put your hand over the robot's mouth.
The Sue, in her indefinite wisdom, decided to come out as the murderer of the two students in the top houses (Slytherin and Gryffindour respectfully), but, instead of punishment, Dumbledore gives her a lolly.
Alicia removes your hand from in front of her mouth.
"Well, Glorious Leader," Alicia says, "that... does he even know what lollies are?"
"She got a lolly. It's apparently a death sentence." said a Generic.
"But she killed the students in the top houses! She's clearly evil!" said another.
"So, Dumbledore wants to poison her with a... why the heck did the Flowers send us on this mission?" you ask. You both watch as the Sue dies, only to wake back up and declare herself immortal "from teh pson."
"He gave you poison, stupid," you say. You grab the charge list back out. "Charge for making DD OOC as shpx, for surviving poison when they can only survive pson... anything else you wanna add, Alicia?"
"No, why do we have to be on this mission?"
You close the notebook. "I'll... I'll ask the right questions later, okay? Besides, I already asked that."
Then, a scene shift happens.
"Glorious Leader!" Alicia screams. Thankfully, it is into the wall she face planted onto (into?). Meanwhile, you have a floor burn from skidding across the Generic Hallway Floor in... a generic hallway in Hogwarts. Great.
"Alicia, where were we?" you ask.
"The Sue came out as the murderer!"
"Yeah, and?"
"And I remembered that!"
You say "What, did you think we had a worse memory than we do?"
She sighs, and turns around, only to fall off the wall she was stuck on. "Ow!"
"That's what you get for turning around when you're stuck on a wall," you tease. "Oh, hey, look! Snape is part of Evil!Dumbledore's clan thingy! A rare charge!" You write down the charge.
The scene shifts again. Now, you are in a forest.
"Alicia, you can get out of the tree now."
"I'm trying my best, Sir Kit!"
"Try harder," you yell back. You notice Dumbledore and... Ron?! throwing the bodies into the water so that "teh Sue cannot feed off of them."
You want to destroy your charge list. "OH COME ON!"
"I'M TRYING, GLORIOUS LEADER!" Alicia yelled. Dumbledore looks her way, and you glare at her to shut up.
Thankfully, he goes back to his task of talking to Ron. "So, Rookwood, how's your family doing?
You say "What the-"
"Since when was Ron named Rookwood?" You exclaim. Alicia shrugs. "I don't know. But this scenario is a little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah, strange enough for a change in charge," you say, fixing the Ron OOC charge to Ron replaced.
"So, Gl-"
You interrupt her. "If you're gonna call me anything leaderish, call me liege and not a very long title, please!"
"But I-"
"No! You call me ruler or liege if you must, but never leader again!"
She nods. "Glorious ruler and liege."
You sigh.
"No," you say, but you give up. There is no way Alicia will give up this battle.
You sigh and begin to put away your things. However, yet another scene shift happens, slamming you (and your CAD, DORKS, charge list) all into the wall. No one notices, luckily. You lay on the floor, recovering, trying to get your bearings. A small voice says, "I'm bored."
You look around and see that you're back in the Generic Room.
"Lovely," you say. "This badfic is making absolutely no sense whatsoever."
Alicia looks down at you. "You okay?" she asks. "Need to go to Medical?"
"No," you say. You get up. You don't really know where to go from here. "I'm fine."
The Sue is teaching herself the Dark Arts and misspelling all the spells, so of course, instead of the spider dying or being controlled, it gets turned into a small, helpless baby spider.
"A baby spider?" you ask. "Aren't they smaller?"
Alicia shrugs.
You read the Words. "The Sue doesn't know half of the effects! She just said 'I dd the speel to turn the spooder into a babi!' Like that is even Dark Arts!"
The Sue hears you screaming your head off. "I know! I know! But it's English, not Dark Arts! And I thought it would be funny."
"Well, it isn't," you say.
You hear a giggle.
"Alicia, stop laughing," you say.
"Also, how the-" The Sue was cut off by you slamming her into the wall.
"Alicia, charge list!"
"But, the Flowers-"
"Charge list!"
Panting, she gives you the charge list.
You sigh and, wiping your forehead, look at the list. "Mary Sue with no name for some reason, you are being charged with: Being a Mary Sue, Unnecessary murder and drama at the beginning of the story, for surviving poison when you can only survive pson, making Dumbledore OOC, causing Dumbledore to have a clan, causing Snape to be a part of said clan, replacing Ron, being a vampire, causing scene shifts, annoying the agents, changing Ron's name to something ridiculous, being a wizard murderer and not getting jail time, and causing me more anger at my partner than normal. Any last words?" You get your knife out and hold it to her neck.
She looks at you, panicked. "I'm sorry!" she says.
She goes quiet.
You stab her in the neck. She dies. You portal the body into Dishonored, where no one would be surprised to see it.
"That's it for this story," you say.
"Ron replacement, Glorious Le-, er, liege and ruler?" Alicia asks.
"Right, let's go."
You portal to the Ron replacement.
You put away your knife and leave the room.
"Gosh dang it, Sir Kit! The Flowers!" Alicia said. "The FLOWERS!"
"Shpx the Flowers right now," you say. You open a portal back to the RC.
"You shouldn't have done that!" the agent says nervously. "It's going to get you in trouble!"
...
The console goes blip. The Sunflower requests you in his office.
FIN.
((In case you don't know what AI Dungeon is, it's an AI-run RPG where you input a command beginning with "you" and it creates the environment. I had to modify some of this to make it coherent, but it's still (laughably) bad. Also, either character present (especially Sir Kit, that elf is now my badfic character lol) can be used elsewhere. If you would like the custom world code whatever, I can send it to you through Discord. I don't recall my user but I'm on the PPC Discord, the one user with an Ace flag as my profile picture.))
That... is... AMAZTING
A/N: oh wow this still exists?? cringe tbh. to think i used to like this place lmfao. anyway here's wonderwall my new and last ppc mission
So I was flying with my girlfriend Lilith on our way to blow up Hogwarts Castle for fun. We were using our wings this time (the Tardis joyrides were getting boring), I had dragon wings and she had six angel wings. I looked at her purple eyes and went “I’m so glad I ran away with you from the PPC instead of killing you all those years ago because I saw you weren’t that bad and also you were beautiful and then you accepted me as a girl because the PPC is actually transphobic”, and she went “Thanks”, and I went “Oh actually now that I think about it it’s been exactly seven years hasn’t it”, and she went “Oh no”, and I went “What?”, and she went “Don’t mention it, something bad might ha-” and then I heard a portal open behind us and something grabbed me and everything went black.
*************
I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed with IVs stuck in my arm. The nurse said “Hello, how are you doing?”, and I replied “What happened?”, and she said “You were kidnapped by a Mary Sue seven years ago, and we finally tracked her back and rescued you.” I tried metalbending my shackles off, and it didn’t work, so I asked “Where are my powers?”, and she replied “We’ve been removing the glitter from you and your icky Suvian powers are gone, you must still be confused by everything that happened, don’t worry everything will be fine, also this also applies to shapeshifting powers so you’re a guy again now.” I yelled “No!”, and then I asked “What happened to Lilith?”, and she said “Oh, they killed her, you’re welcome”, and so I screamed and cried and they sedated me again.
*************
Over the next six months I made a full recovery and went back to being a perfectly respectable PPC agent, or so they thought. Secretly, instead of killing the Sues I was sent to kill, I portaled them to a safe place and started building an army. One of them hacked my glitter monitor so it wouldn’t work anymore, and so I started building up power again. Then on one fateful day I requested an audience with all the Flowers. “Why are we all here?”, asked the Sunflower Official. “You are all here to DIE!”, I said, and pressed a button on my portal thing, and all the Sues came out of the portal and killed all the Flowers. Lilith was resurrected because it turned out the Flowers were Suefluencing everything all along. I picked up the PA system’s microphone and went “The PPC is officially disbanded because I killed all your bosses, you can do whatever you want, have fun!” Then everyone was finally free to live as they want instead of caring about other people’s fanfiction, and I kissed my gf. All was well. The end.
((I actually have a less bad version of the general idea planned for, uh, eventually. Not in my actual spinoff, just noncanonical AU fun. -owo))
Much sues, very cafarsis
It's VERY CLAER thay tou're RIPPPING OFF Jaycacia with this story ! Jaycacia has a girlfriend called Lilith (soryt of girlfreiend) - your anomynous "characert" has a girlfriend called Lilith. Jaycacia has een resurrewcted befor - your "charatcer" resurrects Lilith. Jaycacia has fought bad flowers - your "charater" is fighting bad flowers. And MOST IMPROTNATNYL - both my (good) storiy and your (plajerist) "storiy" are about someone trying to DESTORY THE PPC.
Your' are a playgnerist and you should be ARRESTED.
A/N: This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands for researching random PPC stuff. A Plort fic.
There is generally a war going on somewhere in Plort. There was a war going on now, in fact. The Marizu were invading, and somehow they ambushed Neshomeh and imprisoned her in Kwotef. Baron Huinesoron held a council to determine how to rescue her. Few of the people of Plort had ever been inside the high walls surrounding it, and it was a dangerous place full of the legions of the Marizu. Various strategies and plans were discussed, but no conclusion was reached. The council adjourned and Huinesoron went to his office to think. A few minutes later, he heard someone knocking on the door.
((I love medieval stuff, and I'm hoping to get a coat of arms and hopefully participate in a Plort RP if anyone still does that. -Claire))
It's all shoruhgded in mystery! What will happend next?
Hey ppl, it’sa me! I write random stuff, so you don’t know what to expect!
Title: Hostile takeover
Pairing: none
Summary: Three agents were just minding their own business when agents try to steal their RC. Will they succeed?
((Content Warning:
Two characters have names that may be considered BL2. There is also a BL2 moment
One of the characters’ descriptions may be considered mildly NSFB/NSFW))
Chapter 1
It was a good day in the RC.
“is a good day today.” said Chelsea.
“It is indeedy.” said Lemon.
Chelsea had decided she grew tired of being the perfect hjacker goddess, so she decided to be the embodiment of sloth, one of the seven deadly sans.
“sigh, I miss my shadow clones” mussed Lemon. “They were very convenient in cleaning the house.”
“Dude, just get new ones.”
“I can’t, I missed the deadline to renew my shadow clone liscence.”
“There’s a licence?” Chelsea stared wide-eyed. “Wow”
Chelsea, doing what she does best, stares at a wall. “You know what I think?”
“What,” asked the rat, looking for something to do.
“You ought to have a name change.”
Lemon crossed her arms. “No.”
“Cmon, it’s only two letters swtched around!” Chelsea did jazz hands. “Your name could’ve been Melon!”
“Well,” said Lemon thinkingly, “it would be interesting.”
Then there was a couple of knocks on the door. “Helllllllo?”
“Ah, that must be May Ruse,” said Chelsea. Chelsea squided to the door and opened it to find it was indeed May Ruse. Also there was a rat who looked just like Lemon except she was green and had melons on her.
May spoke “sup gaiiiiiizzzzz”
“Stop that.” Lemon said.
May fromned. “You’re no fun. btw, I think this is your cousin.”
“I have no such cousin.”
The green lemon stuck her tongue out. “Your’s a meanie. Telling me LIEEEEEEEEES---”
BONK
The lemon bonked the green rat’s head. “You stop that too.”
“HUMBPNP” The green rat humphed.
“Who are you.”
“I am Melon, your second cousin thrice removed”
Lemon did a big sigh.
“Duede, isn’t this like, a family reunion and stuff?” asked Chelsea.
And then the four girls chatted about stuff.
“I think it’s time for you to leave.” sated Lemon.
“Foin.” And then Melon left.
“I hope we see her again!” said May.
“ANYWAY,” said Chlesea. “We were talking about name changes for Lemon before you cane!”
May looked excitedly at the squid. “Ohh, like what?”
“Don’t do it!” cried Lemo.
“Your name could be Demon!” said Chelsea.
“There would be implications if my name were Demon!”
There was a couple of knocks on the door. “You called?” said someone.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” screamed the squid
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa” screamed the rat
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” squeamed the hedgehog
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—
“Hurry! to the mission!” And then Chelsea and Lemon and May beeped the button and jumped into a portal
Demon entered the room. “Wow, rude much?”
To be continued????
((By the way, I just want to say thanks to whoever commented on my fics last year, I appreciate it.))
((Content Warning: BL2 warnings still apply to this chapter, and will probably apply to following chapters
There are also words that are barely different from swear words
And someone dies in this))
Chapter 2
The agents had returned from a very difficult mission, but they were clean without even a spot of sue blood since they were very very very good assassins and also there was only one sue.
“YAY” Then Chelsea flopped on the floor.
It was then when Lemon noticed a notice on the console. She picked up a piece of paper.
It said
HELLo
Since you were so rude to call me and then having the audacity to SCREAM at me, I have cast a curse on this RC.
Now you will have agents trying to steal your RC away! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHJAJAJAJAJALOLOLOLLOLOOLOLOLWWWWWWWWWW
Sincerely,
Demon
“Wow,” said May Ruse “theres ham in this” Mat then proceeded to take the ham away from the letter and ate it.
“Ooh, when will there be agents?” Chelsea asked. “Cause I’m thinking of beating the squit out of them.”
“No no,” Lemon said. “We will call upon Demon and beat the squit out of him instead”
Then they waited for him to appear.
There were a few knocks on the door.
“I’ll get it!” Then May opened the door.
It was a couple of humans, one musclely military security guard dude and a pretty country dress girl.
“Holy squit! Humans!” Chelsea cried.
The country dress girl crossed her arms. “We’ve come to take your RC!”
“Over my dead body!” said Chelsea.
Then the muscley dude pulled out a gun and shot Chelsea and then she died.
Lmon gasped, May Ruse gasped. “You [BLEEEEEEP]s!”
And then an epic fight started! They punched and kicked and stuff (the security dude never shot his gun cause lemon desarmed him) and there was magicy stuff like when dress girl uses her crystal to make lightning but she shot and she missed
Chelsea then slammed the bathroom door open from the inside and then saw a fight going on. “Holy Mackeroni”
May Ruse used her space powers on the muscley dude. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because we never got our RC’s even though we’re agents!” said the muscle dude.
“Now we were doomed to wander through the halls RCless!” said the dress girl. “Oh and it’s Quinn not dress girl”
“what” said Chelsea
“I thought it was Cordelia? Or Cornelia?” said muscle dude.
“Well, it’s Quinn now, mr Seymour butts!” said Quinn.
“Hey now!” (A/N: You’re a rockstar!)
Then Chelsea threw a water balloon except it was filled with pink ink.
Quinn cried. “You ruined my dress! This means war!”
And then war had begun. They fought nd stuff. The war ended when both humans were knocked out.
“Wanna kick’em out?” asked Chelsea
“Yes.” said Lemon.
Then the girls tossed the two humans out of the RC.
“That’ll show em!” said May Ruse.
“Now what?”
“uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
To be continued!
Chapter 3 ((Content Warning: BL2))
“EEEEEEEEyyo demon” said Chelsea, calling for Demon ”ayo ayoooooooooooo”
“Stop yodeling Chelsea” said lemon
Chelsea did a bridge “nuh”. Then she yodeled some more.
“Maybe we need candles and soma chalk?” asked May Ruse
“but we didn’t need those things when he came to our rc” said Chelsea
“True”
“Let’s try it anyway!”
Then there was a knock on the door
“I hope we can beat the—”
A fist broke through the door, and then it opened it revealing another muscley dude, except he was from the government military and a gerudo.
“Wow, a male Gerudo, you must be super special” said Chelsea
“Excuse you, I’m the Gerudo, he’s not!” said the Gerudo.
“huh I’m confused”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be doing bridges all day!”
“Hey I’m not doing—”
“Why don’t you hand over our RC?????” cried the muscle dude.
“It’s not yours you dumdum!” May Ruse pointed out
“That’s it!!!!!!!!” Then muscley dude pulled out a gun and tried to shoot only for Lemon to reflect all the bullets with a broom.
“OUT” Then Lemon wacked the military man with the broom while the Gerudo lady tries to hold her off.
“Hey,” says May “let’s try to summon him now”
“why” asked Chelsea
“so we can toss him at these jerkwads”
“ooooooooooooooh”
And so the two agents got out all the candles and the chalk and the instruction book/necrominonionionnoin and chanted the magic words
The agents who were fighting stopped and watched as the circle flashed revealing……………….
Betelgoose
“Honk”
Everyone everywhere paused to look at the goose
“What is thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat” asked the dude
“Obviously it’s a goose” said the gerudo
“Not just any goose!” Declared Chelsea as she walked to the enemy agents.
She ran to throw the goose at the agents but Lmon slammed the door making Chelsea crash but without making an inkling-shaped hole in the door.
then Lemon beep booped on the portal activator and then the agents in the hall went “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”
“Duuuuude what the frick” said Chelsea.
Betelgoose looked at Chelsea, then at May Ruse, then at Lemon, before opening the door and jumping into the portal after the agents before the portal closed.
Everyone’s confused
The end
………………..
og the chapter, that is!
to be continued
((CW: BL2, thinly-veiled swearing, body horror (I think), someone dies for the second time)) Chapter 4
The rat agent clickety clacked at the keyboard.
“Dear Sunflower Official,
Please remove the curse from this RC
Thanks,
Lemon”
And then Lemon hit send. she sighed.
“That should do it,” said Lemon
Then an email came back
Lemon read it
“Dearest Agent Lemon
It’s your problem, you deal with it
Sunflower Official”
“Booooo you suck!” Chelsea said to the sunflower jerk
“Don’t worry,” said May. “We can remove the curse without the sunflower’s help.”
Then the door knocked.
Lemon walked over to the door, cracking her knuckles and opened the door to reveal……….
A rat who looked just like Lemon except she had a yellow space jumpsuit with a thick white stripe down the middle except it didn’t have sleeves and the pant legs stopped at the knees and she had a choker with a light blue spherical jewel and her gloves’ cuffs were like Shadow the hedgehog’s except they were yellow and light blue and
“OMG it’s my kin!” cried May Ruse
“What” said the rat
“I too had a really long description of my appearance when I first came here!”
“Hmph!” humphed the rat
“Who are you” said Lemon.
“I’m you, but stronger.”
“Holy squit it’s Lemon’s evil twin!” cried Chelsea
Lemon gasped. “You also came from a family of bakers?”
“No, I was created as a counterweapon against Shadow by Gerald Robotnik”
“So you’re an actual mary sue?” asked May.
“I’m a parody sue”
“Just like me!”
“How are you even a parody,” asked Lmeon, asking the real questions
“So will you let us go?” asked Chelsea
Just then, Lemon’s evil twin’s eyes flashed and she disappeared and reappeared behind Chelsea and killed her, making Chelsea go splat and getting Chelsea’s ink on the evil twin
“Wow, you’re rude” said Chelsea’s ghost
For that, Lemon bonked her evil twin, except the evil twin disappeared before she got bonked and ended up getting bonked herself “ow” before getting her neck snapped
May Ruse gasped. And then she used her space powers on the evil twin.
“Impossible!” said the evil twin
“You’re impossible! You’re doing teleporty stuff without a chaos emerald!”
“You’re doing space powers without a chaos emerald”
“And I’m breaking the law of phycics” Then a Japanese anime highschool boy slid in his shoes into the RC. “wow neesan” he said looking at the dead people.
“You’re late, Yuo.” said the evil twin.
“You have teleportation of course I’m late”
“It’s not teleportation, it’s time stopping”
“That’s even more overpowered” Just then, Lemon got up and untwisted her head
“Impossible!” said the evil twin “I snapped your neck!”
“You only twisted my head I have no neck.”
This moment was so random the author couldn’t think of what to write next. (A/N hehehe 4th wall break!)
Then the evil twin got sniped with ink by Chelsea who’s alive again.
Then Yuo picked up the evil twin. “Wlp, I’m out. Seionara!” Then he slid away.
May Ruse looked around. “I think I’m gonna go out to Rudi’s. Wanna come with me?”
“Sure” said lemon
“okey dokey” said Chelsea
Then they went to Rudi’s
to be continued!
((Maybe next year.
Anyway, here's some trivia: the agents that have been attacking the RC have been agent ideas I had in the past.))
I liked the partm where theyre al animals! A hedgnwoh as a PPC Agent sounds super cool!!
Oath of Office
A/N: i need a better title for this. if you think of one, please tell me
I will fight for canon
My weapons will be my words
I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die or worse
Until I die, until I die
I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die or worse
I will not kill Suethors
For they are sentient things
I will kill their Mary-Sues until I die or worse
Until I die, until I die
I will kill their Mary-Sues until I die or worse
I will keep this promise
If it will be my death
I will fight to my last breath until I die or worse
Until I die, until I die
I will fight to my last breath until I die or worse
By Elbereth and Luthien
I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die, oh
By Elbereth and Luthien, oh
I will still fight, I will still fight, oh
Until I die, until I die, oh
I will still fight, I will still fight, oh
The words are impaxtful and stuff
I like tha you repeat for emphasis
“I think,” Alice Verres said, “that this whole thing you’ve got going on is really stupid.”
“... Excuse me?”, said the Sunflower Official - or rather, the DIA agent who was translating its telepathic speech. Alice had expressed discomfort at intrusions into her brain.
The 13-year-old girl pulled a stack of papers from her laptop case. “I can back it up - this is a printout of several utilitarian philosophy papers and Sequences. I would recommend starting with Brian Tomasik's ‘Do Video-Game Characters Matter Morally?’ - though it does argues from a real-world-- well, that’s the thing, isn’t it, it’s not the only--”
“We refer to it as World One,” the translator acquiesced. Despite rationally knowing that the Sunflower had no face or eyes, Alice somehow had the impression that it was glaring at her. “Get to the point.”
The girl sighed. “All fiction is real, and you can access and affect it. You have access to tech that would make you a God, capital G. And you use it to kill Mary Sues.”
“I understand that you’re relatively new here, but surely you have seen the damage done by--”
“You know what’s worse than bad fanfiction?” Alice raised her voice. “Rape! Murder! Torture! You could put a massive dent in the multiverse’s overall suffering just by invading glowfic!”
The Sunflower tilted its flower-head. “And destroy the canon in the process.”
Alice grinned. “Even if it destroys the laws of physics, the balance of utilons is still firmly on my side. Seriously, I did the math.”
“That’s not what we do. And not what we stand for. We cannot allow you to--”
“Oh, actually,” Alice cut it off with a giggle, “I’m not here to ask for permission. I’m here to gloat.”
The Sunflower definitely had some sort of sensory organs in its disk - it turned to the translator for a moment, then back to Alice. Then back to the translator. She decided it was either confused or panicking, and just in case it was the former (and because she had a script planned), continued:
“I got in touch with some like-minded people in DoSAT. With the help of the Machine Intelligence Research Institute’s papers, they’ve been working on a recursively self-improving artificial general intelligence, which according to my calculations should reach singularity right aboooooouuuuuut…”
And then the whole multiverse was turned into fluffy coffee shop AUs.
Iyt's all rational and logicky and smart and stuff
Alos u should make ur story more accsile, bcuz ppl don want 2 hav 2 read a dictionary 2 nderstand it, u know?
But keep riting, and sumday I'm sure u'll b really good!
XOXOX
(( This made me giggle. Nice one! ~Neshomeh, amazed that Brandy managed to correctly type "dictionary." ))
Title: Sexy Times With Jieyuan
Author: Lilith Wydenbrooke
Pairing: Jacques Bonnefoy/Liu Siyuan
Rating: NC-17 ((actually more like PG-15 lol))
Warnings/Tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Content Warnings, Pancakes, Maple Syrup, Inappropriate Use of Food, I'm bad at tagging, I'm bad at summaries, Bottom Liu Siyuan, Top Liu Siyuan, Top Jacques Bonnefoy, Bottom Jacques Bonnefoy, Closet Renovations, Marie Kondo, Body Hair, Waxing, Baby Dolphins, Narnia, Internet Searches, Teacher/Student Roleplay, Naughty Student, Corporal Punishment, Miette, Haddocks, The Knights Who Say Ni, Monty Python Jokes, Mangoes, Horses, Business Practices, Corporations, Office Setting, Princess Carrying, Swooning, Resurrection, Selfcest, Clones, Catboys, Catboy Liu Siyuan, ((there will be more tags as I add more chapters, I am so sorry hS))
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin: Jieyuan having fun times together. Don’t think too much about the details! -wink-
Notes: YAOI! DON’T LIEK, DON’T READ! ALSO I’M SO MAD THAT CHRISTIANNE AND ELEDHWEN GOT MARRIED!11!! ELEDHWEN IS 2 GUD 4 CHRISTIAENEN WHO IS JUST A BITHC I CANT BELIEVE SHE GOT A TRJECK BACKSTORY TO MAKE ELEDHWN FEEL BAD 4 HER WHEN SHE IZ DA ABUSEER!1! IM NEVER RITING 4 THEM AGAIN!!11 >:(
Sexy Times With Jieyuan
Chapter One: For The Love of Maple Syrup
It was just another morning at the Protector of Plot Continuum headquarters. Liu Siyuan watched Jacques tuck into his pancakes with a fond smile. The pancakes were perfectly fluffy, made from the right combination of flour and butter and eggs and baking powder. The maple syrup was harvested from only the finest of maple trees in Canada.
“Do you like your pancakes, Jacques?” wondered Liu Siyuan.
Jacques waggled his eyebrows. “They’re perfectly fluffy.” he said. “I like them very much.”
“Good,” declared Liu Siyuan, whipping off his apron to reveal he was not wearing anything underneath. He grabbed the bottle of maple syrup freshly harvested from Canada, and poured it down his chest. “Would you like to have me next?”
Liu Siyuan raised an eyebrow at Jacques from over the tablet. “This is an example of a spring palace novel about our lives,” he stated.
“Yes, but the fact that I’m not licking maple syrup off your chest right now is proof that the creativity shield around FanficLand is working,” Jacques winked at him, as if to suggest he would probably be down to do so if Liu Siyuan bothered to ask. “What do you think, though?”
“Of the spring palace novel?” wondered Liu Siyuan, his brows now knitting together. He scrolled a little further. “This is all the same sex scene?”
“Yep.” Jacques accentuated the ‘p’. “Seems accurate?”
Liu Siyuan’s entire expression wrinkled. “I decline to answer that question.”
“Did you find Narnia?” asked Jacques.
“Worse,” said Liu Siyuan. “I found your internet browsing history.”
Jacques’ cheeks flushed plum blossom pink. “Siyuan, I respect you very much and would never do any of the things—”
He was cut off by Liu Siyuan kissing him. “I want to do all of the things with you,” he said.
“Okay!” said Jacques happily.
“It’s a turn of phrase,” said Jacques. “And for the record, getting your chest as ‘smooth as baby dolphins’ is pretty painful, if you’re using wax.”
“Wax,” echoed Liu Siyuan. “Like… from candles?”
Jacques laughed. “No, not really. Don’t use candle wax on your body, like, ever.”
“Thank you,” said Liu Siyuan, puzzled. “I have no idea when I would ever be in a scenario where I would want to, but… thank you.”
Jacques shrugged. “I mean, you never know. It could have been in my internet browsing history.”
“Why would I want to check your… browsing history?” Liu Siyuan shook his head. “I do not need to invade your privacy in order to figure out that your tastes run more eclectic than my own.”
That earned him a chuckle. “Touché,” said Jacques. “Read on. Apparently ‘all of the things’ starts with some light teacher-student roleplay.”
“Oh really?” asked naughty schoolboy Jacques, clambering onto the teacher’s desk and pulling Liu Siyuan forward by his sexy blue-green tie. “And how are you going to punish me in detention, Liu-laoshi?”
Liu Siyuan responded by kissing his student, who responded by opening his eager pink boy mouth like a ripe blossom —
“What a coincidence. I also need to take a shower.” Jacques winked.
“You are as incorrigible as the Jacques in this story.” Liu Siyuan shook his head. “This Lilith Wydenbrooke has captured your shamelessness perfectly.”
Jacques pouted at him. “Hey!”
Liu Siyuan grabbed the tablet and lightly bopped him on the head with it in a way that he could only have picked up from Dawn McKenna, before reluctantly (and with clear Morbid Curiosity in his eyes) continuing to scroll through the fic.
“If that’s what it takes,” said Jacques, pausing just to kiss his cultivator one last time, “then it’s worth it. You are worth fighting for.”
Liu Siyuan swooned into Jacques’ arms like a distressed damsel. “Oh, Jacques, take me now!” he begged, ripping his robes open. Jacques picked him up into a princess carry.
“Of course,” he said, with another kiss. “Just one more for the road.”
“This fic has the pacing of a low-budget soap opera,” said Jacques. “I honestly have no idea. Maybe somewhere around the time our in-fic selves decided to start a business called Jieyuan Co. Ltd.?”
“We start a business?” Liu Siyuan’s brows furrowed deeper.
“Yeah, apparently it gets bigger than the twenty-first century Kerblam, whats-its-name, Dauntless? Open Sesame?”
“I have no idea,” confessed Liu Siyuan. “Again, I feel as if I need cultural annotations for every other sentence people say to me here.”
Jacques chuckled. “I remember that feeling all too well. Anyway, keep reading, you haven’t even gotten to the unhinged part yet.”
“You’re still hurt,” said the cultivator, “and should relax.”
“I’m fine! The immortality thing sorta resets me, you know,” said Jacques, but he kissed back nonetheless, his hands coming up to cup the sides of Liu Siyuan’s face. Liu Siyuan pulled back with a sigh, before turning and shouting:
“A-Wang! Yuanyuan! Sect Leader Liu! Jacques is awake again!”
Almost immediately, a younger version of Liu Siyuan with short cropped hair and an ESAS t-shirt came running in. “Jacques!” he said happily. “You’re okay! We missed you lots and lots!”
Just behind him was a slightly older Liu Siyuan with his short hair in a white-to-black-ombre. He had cat ears on his head and they twitched. “It’s good to see nya awake~” purred the cat boy, his tail flicking happily. “Yuanyuan has missed master very myach.”
And then finally, another set of arms wrapped around Jacques from behind, and a pair of lips pressed themselves against his ear. “I am gratified to see you alive and well again, Jieke,” drawled a dulcet sexy low voice, and when Jacques turned to see who it belonged to, he saw the face of Liu Siyuan as a legendary immortal beauty, the cold and refined Sect Leader of Liuying Valley. His hair was done up with an elaborate silver and jade hairpiece in the shape of a crane, and his robes were in the finest of blue-green and white silks.
The original Liu Siyuan squeezed his hand. “We were all so concerned for you this time. It was the combined power of our love that brought you back from the Great Void. We hope you will not be so reckless with yourself in the future.”
“You have all of us to choose from!” added the youngest Liu Siyuan. “A-Wang hopes Jacques will take it easy and let us pamper him!”
Jacques couldn’t help but grin as he stroked his hand through A-Wang’s hair. “Of course. Where do I begin?”
“Unhinged, right?” he asked.
“That door certainly is missing a few hinges,” agreed Liu Siyuan, folding his hands in his lap. “Three copies of myself?”
Jacques raised his other eyebrow. “That’s the strange part for you?”
Liu Siyuan looked at him sharply. “That’s not?” he demanded.
“Well, there is a Mirror Multiverse, for one,” said Jacques, “and the Transfictional Canonical Defence Authority, and a bunch of other alternate timelines and parallel timelines and whatnot. I’ll even bet good money that there’s some wuxia-style Plot Protection Sect now that you’re around.”
Liu Siyuan stared at him as if he’d grown a second head. Jacques chuckled at him.
“Look, last year I might have gotten caught in a couple weak spots between alternate universes, and I… might have met some alternate versions of myself.”
Liu Siyuan’s expression seemed to suggest he was tacking on a third head. Jacques laughed and shook his head.
“It’s not that serious, I promise. We mostly leave each other alone. But you know, now that you’re involved in my life, you might also end up with a couple… alternate timelines of your own.”
“This tells me you have already met some of these alternate mes,” said Liu Siyuan, his eyes narrowing.
Jacques snorted. “If they’re alternate versions of you, are they really worth the vinegar?”
Liu Siyuan huffed. “What makes you think I am jealous of them?” he wondered drily, before crossing his arms and adding, “Which ones have you met?”
“Aah, I think… the one called A-Wang in the fic,” said Jacques, rubbing his temples. “And the sect leader one. Haven’t seen the catboy one. Yet.”
Liu Siyuan shuddered. “Thank heavens that was all,” he said, nodding at the tablet.
Jacques shook his head. “Siyuan, ah, that’s exactly how you incur the wrath of the Ironic Overpower!”
ETA: Eledhwen, Christianne, Dis, the Agent, and Liu Siyuan are fair game for badfic (though I would be pretty amused to see anyone try to write LSY with him appearing in exactly 1 thing so far). Jacques is being used here with the knowledge (and general morbid amusement) of Zingenmir.))
Warnings/Tags: Clone Cohabitation, Cats Being Assholes, Headaches, Sexy Headaches, Maids, Cosplay, Black Leather, Elves In Black Leather, Cultivators In Black Leather, Chinese, Chinese Culture, Chinese Dialogue, Royalty, Sibling Bickering, Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love, Counting, Addition, Math, Maths, Artificial Intelligence, Worldbuilding, Urple, Urple Cloud, Speshul Glitter, Glitter Cloud, Sue-Wraith, Sentient Sex Toys, Sex Toys, Dildos, Moving Dildos, Master/Slave, D/s, BDSM, Feet Kissing, Foot Fetish, Lychees, Peeling Fruits, Pampering, Patriarchy, Snowballing, Deal with the Devil, Bondage, Lingerie, Present, Unwrapping, Unboxing Video, Virginity, First Time, Deepthroating, Animalistic Instinct, Pon Farr, Heat and Mating, Discipline, Fondling, Tentacle Sex, Dehumanization, Humiliation, Breeding, Multiverse, Multiverse Domination, Multiverse Travel, Prime Multiverse, Mirror Multiverse, Headquarters, Invasion of Headquarters, Emergency, Event, Key to Canon, Mary Sue Invasion, ((actual warnings for BL2, 3, and 4, as well as implied/referenced sexual assault))
Notes: I WAS TOLD BY MY FRIENDS THAT I WASN’T MAKING JACQUES SEXY ENOUGH SO HERE YOU GO TEEHEE
ALSO UGH IT LOOKS LIKE MY EBUL TWIN STALKER IS BACK!!11 >:((( THEY RUIND ALL OF MY OTHER FICS TOO. FFV ADMIN HELP!!1111!!!
The family of five quickly learnt to live together happily. Very happily and sexily. Each of the Liu Siyuans were their own person with their own backstories and abilities, and most importantly, each of them loved it when Jacques would pin them down and stick his big, bulging —
The Agent scoffed. “You’ve also had personal experience. We had the same personal experience at the same time.”
“I do not want to know,” cut in Liu Siyuan before the Disentangler could retort. She cackled at him.
“You don’t?” The blonde Time Lord tilted her head to the side. “I thought you and him —”
“No,” said Liu Siyuan quickly. “You are mistaken.”
“Coulda fooled me.” The Disentangler shrugged, kicking up her feet onto the sofa in the PPC Lounge. The remnants of mahjong night were being cleared out, with Mandy Singh and Lin Wei-ting carrying out the leftover Chinese. Liu Siyuan still had a bit of a gag reflex thinking of greasy lo mein and orange chicken as ‘Chinese food’, but apparently some of the Celestial Empire’s great culinary traditions had gotten lost in translation over the years.
(The Disentangler had laughed at that when he first mentioned it, and noted that Naergondir had once complained something similar about Galadriel Brand™ Lembas. Liu Siyuan was glad to hear that he was not alone in this accursed boat.)
“There are so many better things we could be doing,” grumbled the Agent as he continued to scroll down the fic page. “We could be translating Shrek into Circular Gallifreyan. We could be watching paint dry. We could be on a mission —”
“Now that’s something you never hear here at Headquarters,” declared the Disentangler as she stopped the Agent’s hand in order to better read the words:
Liu Siyuan rubbed his forehead. A vein was throbbing on his forehead. It made pain go all over his body, except in some parts of him it felt a lot more pleasurable. He liked the word throbbing. It reminded him of Jacques.
He then turned his attention to his two younger siblings. Well, not really siblings. They’re more like clones, or just alternate dimension selves. Would those be your siblings? Would it be weird to kiss them?
“I am right here,” said Liu Siyuan, arching an eyebrow. “And I have functional ears.”
“I know.” The Disentangler smiled sweetly at him. “And I said what I said.” She paused, tilting her head to the side. “What is your stance on kissing your clone, anyway?”
“Well, I would,” declared the Disentangler. “Who’d know better how to kiss me than me?”
“Not sure how I’d feel about it,” mused the Agent. “I mean I guess it could just be a complicated masturbation fantasy, but I’m not nearly obsessed enough with myself to want to do it.”
“Oy, are you calling me self-obsessed?” The Disentangler widened her eyes and wobbled her lips at him. The Agent chuckled, turning around solely to elbow her.
“You did just say no one else could kiss you better than yourself,” he pointed out, before continuing to read:
Yuanyuan would look especially good in a maid outfit, and A-Wang would look so good in black leather, and Liu Siyuan would like to wear nothing but whipped cream and maple syrup again, all the easier for Jacques to lick off of him.
“渣猫 (Bad kitty)! 你给我快回来 (Get back here this instant)!”
Liu Siyuan was thrown out of his daydreams by A-Wang and Yuanyuan arguing again. He sighed. “What seems to be the problem now?” he wondered.
“It’s my turn with master tonyaht,” complained Yuanyuan, licking at his paws because he was a catboy. “A-Wang already had him yesterday. He’s being so mweedy.”
“Am not!” protested A-Wang. “I just 爱 (love) Jacques so much that I don’t want to leave his side ever and ever! Also anyone else who tries to get with Jacques is a thot.”
Liu Siyuan gasped in horror. “All lovers of Jacques are queens, A-Wang!”
“Some fancy new kid lingo, I guess,” suggested the Disentangler.
The Agent frowned. “Maybe it’s a misspelling of thought?”
Immediately Jacques found himself with two arms full of Liu Siyuans — one of them A-Wang, wide-eyed and cute and sobbing, and the other one Yuanyuan, tail flickering irritably.
“Yuanyuan loves master very much,” said the catboy sadly. “But Yuanyuan can’t seem to spend enough time with master. Because master spends so much time with A-Wang.”
“A-Wang is a good boy and earned the extra time, unlike Yuanyuan who keeps on destroying our house!” A-Wang pouted cutely. “Jacques should choose between us!”
“I hate you!” hissed Yuanyuan, baring his claws. Jacques laughed sheepishly, pulling the two Liu Siyuans apart and kissing each one. He was playful and nipped Yuanyuan’s lips as he left and he was very sweet with A-Wang.
“I have two hands, you know,” he said. “And two legs for the other two, so four limbs in total, one to love each one of you.”
“I am gratified to hear that Bo-qianbei can, in fact, add two and two together,” he grumbled.
“So how exactly do you use a leg to love someone?” wondered the Agent, shaking his head.
The Disentangler snickered. “It’s not the leg itself, but what lies in between it and the other leg.”
The Agent raised an eyebrow. “Air?”
The Disentangler rolled her eyes. “Wrong. Read the fic, fic reader.”
“Hey, I didn’t ask to be the one holding the tablet,” complained the Agent. He tried to hand it off to her, but she shoved it back into his hands like a hot potato. “Come on, Dis, if you’re gonna stand there and make snarky comments, at least sacrifice a couple braincells to help us scroll through the monstrosity or something.”
“Nope.” The Disentangler grinned. “For the privilege of hearing my witty commentary on this fic, I charge a fee of ‘don’t make me hold it’.”
“That’s what she said,” said the Agent. Liu Siyuan grumbled something about them both being five, and leaned over to scroll on.
Bobby was a purple-pink tentacle. But also Bobby was so much more. It was named Bobby from Baobei (宝贝, treasure), and it was indeed a treasure because it could do anything.
Bobby was made from cobbled-together DoSAT technology and all of the Liu Siyuans’ love and now it was a very smart AI personal assistant. Its true form was one too eldritch to behold, so most of the time it chose to be a purple-pink tentacle or a cloud of purple-pink glitter. Bobby could do anything its owners commanded, and it took a lot of power, so Sect Leader Liu, who did most of the enchantments to make Bobby come alive, was using his magic to power Bobby.
Bobby lived underneath their bed. Sometimes Bobby would be invited to pleasure one of the Liu Siyuans, extending its tentacle into their eager and willing —
“You want to read about an eldritch AI sex toy?” wondered Liu Siyuan.
“Look, when you put it like that, that actually sounds pretty fun,” said the Disentangler, pouting. “None of my sex toys are eldritch at all.”
The Agent made a face. “Have you been inside that drawer of yours lately, Lachesis? I think some of the toys have had babies.”
The Disentangler sent him an unimpressed look. “Yeah, of course they would. They’re sex toys. It’s what they do.”
Jacques extended his foot, letting Liu Siyuan kiss it more. He leaned back on the throne and opened his mouth for another peeled lychee. A-Wang took the lychee from Yuanyuan and fed it to Jacques through a kiss. Jacques held his head in place so his tongue could explore A-Wang’s mouth.
Not to be outdone by his younger counterpart, Liu Siyuan started to suck on Jacques’ —
“Oh, come on,” spluttered the Time Lord. “you want to control the pace of this so bad; why don’t you hold it?”
“Why would I want to hold it more than I already have?” demanded Liu Siyuan. “I did my holding! Twelve chapters of it! With Bo-qianbei!”
“In all fairness, that was pretty creepy,” said the Disentangler, gesturing towards the scene. “I’m not gonna kinkshame the feet stuff—”
“I do not like it, and I am the one being written about, so.” Liu Siyuan crossed his arms.
The Disentangler nodded. “Well, that aside, I’m pretty sure Jacques would have a problem with being addressed as master all the time.”
“I mean it also just looks weird, doesn’t it?” agreed the Agent. “Reminds me of that one movie that just completely misrepresented geisha…”
Jacques looked at Bobby, and then looked at A-Wang waiting for him on the bed. The youngest of the Liu Siyuans was dressed in a see-through gown of pure white lace, with the cutest little blue-green ribbons tying him spread-eagle to the bed. He was blushing like a virgin, because Sect Leader Liu’s magic had restored his cherry and Jacques was going to pop it.
“Oh, Jacques,” moaned A-Wang in a wonton manner, baring his silky white throat with the blue-green ribbon collar on it. He was a pretty present waiting to be unwrapped and loved. Jacques wanted to ruin him completely for everyone else.
“Yes,” he said to Bobby, extending a hand towards it. The cloud of glitter deepthroated him, filling him with Love Power.
With a primal growl, Jacques turned towards A-Wang lying there on the bed, tore off all of his clothes, and pounced on him.
The Agent kept scrolling, his brows furrowing as the scene continued to unfold. “Oh, this goes south very quickly.”
Liu Siyuan frowned. “South as in physically moving south along someone’s body, or south as in when things get out of hand?”
“Yes.” The Agent looked up. “Let’s just say he does, in fact, ruin A-Wang.”
Liu Siyuan’s nose wrinkled, before he finally acquiesced to taking the tablet from the Agent. “Then what?” he wondered, as he scrolled down to find out:
“I only unlocked Jacques’ animalistic instincts,” said Bobby!Jacques, grinning wickedly with his purple-pink eyes flashing. Sect Leader Liu trembled at the sight of the awesome orbs. “Now with his sexiness and my Love Power, there is nothing and no one in this universe that I cannot do!”
“This is contravening the laws of AI robotics thingy!” Sect Leader Liu shook his head. “You hurt A-Wang! You must recognise your fault and pay penance!”
Bobby!Jacques laughed evilly and swooped in closer, extending his pink-purple tentacles to tie up Sect Leader Liu. The cultivator started to struggle, but Bobby!Jacques only laughed at that and extended more tentacles to caress the cultivator everywhere.
“I have no use for you anymore,” declared Bobby!Jacques as Sect Leader Liu began to cry a perfect single tear down his cheeks. “I’m demoting you. From now on, you are only a plaything, to be used and bred at my leisure.”
“Bred?” he demanded.
“I mean, I hope that’s a typo, for your sake.” The Disentangler laughed. “If anything, Jacques is the one who could get bred—”
“He could be submissive and breedable, if you asked!” joked the Agent.
Liu Siyuan looked up at the rafters of the PPC Lounge. “Would either of you like to continue reading about one of my clones getting assaulted by an Urple tentacle monster?” he asked drily.
“It’s not even going to be good tentacle smut,” grumbled the Disentangler. “Skim on.”
“I am now the Master of the Bonneverse!” declared Bobby!Jacques. With a snap of his fingers, the ground below Headquarters started to crack open, and millions and millions of Liu Siyuans and Jacqueses started to roll and tumble out of the abyss, laughing and kissing and touching each other.
Everyone throughout Headquarters was dismayed! They hadn’t seen this coming at all. People scrambled to and fro, portalling away as the Siyuan-kin and Jacques-kin began to take control of Headquarters.
“And now with the power of the Bonneverse in my hands,” continued Bobby!Jacques, as he pulled the Key to Bonnefoy out of a random plothole (A/N: tee hee get the Tawaki reference?) and started turning the very walls of Headquarters into beautiful shades of pink and purple, “I AM GOING TO REMAKE THIS WORLD IN THE IMAGE OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE, LIU SIYUAN!”
Liu Siyuan looked at her oddly. “Who is Rassilon?” he asked.
“Man, I wish that were me.” The Disentangler patted his shoulder. “You really don’t need to know, promise.”
The Agent looked down at the cracked tablet. “So if the screen cracked,” he said,” does that mean we don’t have to read any more of this fic?”
“What?” gasped the Disentangler. “Just when the Bobby-possessed Jacques takes over the Multiverse — I mean, the Bonneverse?” She snorted. “It’s just starting to get good! I want to see what Jenni’s reaction would be to this.”
“Probably a deep, worried sigh, followed by a sound and sexy exorcism,” said the Agent, nodding sagely.
“Maybe not a sexy exorcism, given all the, uh, sexy times already happening,” appended the Disentangler. She clapped Liu Siyuan on the shoulder. “Good luck with the rest, eh? If you do manage to finish it with your sanity still intact, we’ll buy you PPTea.”
“Could I have payment up front?” wondered Liu Siyuan, staring hatefully at the tablet. “Something tells me I shall be stuck here for quite some time.”
It turned into a tentacle hentai!
Warnings/Tags: Dystopian Hellscape, Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alpha Jacques, Omega Liu Siyuan, Rule 63, Gender Changes, Genderbending, Cisswapping, Soulmates, Soulmate Bonds, Soulmate Marks, Red String of Fate, Dictators, Customs, Immigration, Nature Documentaries, Natural Instincts, Rutting, Petting, Pets, The Sunflower Official, Sunflowers, Sentient Flowers, Talking Flowers, Audrey II, Antifa, The Multiverse Monitor, Newspapers, Magazines, Books and Publishing, Bathrobes, Somnophilia, Dream Sex, Dragons, Dragon Anatomy, Bad Dragon, Dubious Consent, Ejaculation, Teenagers, Child Labour, Coffeeshop AU, Meet-Cute, Idols, Boybands, BTS, My Immortal, The Simarillion, High King Fingon, Latte Art, Secret Codes, Paparazzi, Secret Identity, Identity Reveal, English Names, Name Changes, High School AU, Love Confession, Japanese Culture, Taiko Drum, Senpai/Kouhai, Catgirl, Catgirl Dawn McKenna, First Kiss, Blushing, Shy, Resistance Fighters, Infinity Stones, Infinity Gauntlet, Metatextual Dialogue, ((actual warnings for BL2, 4, 10, 11; the latter two are for the teenage barista/idol and high school AUs))
Notes: UR ALL SO LUCKY I AM WRITING THIS 4 MYSELF AND NOT 4 ANY OF U LOSERS. STOP ASKING ABOUT THE TAGS. I WILL NOT B SPLITTING THINGS INTO SEPARATE FICS. I WILL NOT TAG THINGS JUST BC U WANT THEM >:(( THIS IS FFV NOT COMNOMNOMNOMUNISM!
“Welcome to the Bonneverse,” announced the automated voice over the loudspeakers as the ship began to descend into the hangar of what was formerly the Protectors of the Plot Continuum Headquarters but was now the Headquarters of Jieyuan Co. Ltd. “Today’s forecast calls for cloudy skies with a chance of space-time bubbles. All Siyuan-kin are to present themselves to Personnel to be tagged and fitted with their Red Collar of Fate. All hail the Master, the Deathless Lover, First in Our Hearts!”
The cultivator jerked away on instinct, before turning around to fix the full brunt of his glare on the intruder. “Lux-qianbei,” he said, stiffly, clutching the tablet to his chest.
“You’re really not going to let me see what you’re reading?” wondered Lux with a pout, slinking onto the couch beside him. Liu Siyuan inched back a little. “Come on, Lulu, I wanna see!”
“Lulu?” echoed Liu Siyuan incredulously. “Is that not a dog’s name?”
“What? I thought you said you were a lonely dog.” Lux nudged him, grinning. She then snatched the tablet away before he had a chance to protest, scrolling down the page. “Ooh! ‘Over to the left is Response Centre 5242, once the RC of our Master the Deathless Lover. It is now a shrine we make our yearly pilgrimages to, to pray for fertility and mind-blowing sex’. Siyuan! I had no idea you read this sort of stuff! I could’ve given you so many recommendations!”
“No, thank you!” exclaimed Liu Siyuan a little too hastily. He took the tablet back and clutched it to his chest. “I merely lost a bet to Bo-qianbei. He said if the story updated, I would have to read the entire thing or else,” his expression wrinkled, “be forced to wear a t-shirt to the next mahjong game that says ‘bawk bawk bitch’ on it.”
Lux laughed at that. “Lulu in a t-shirt is a tempting situation,” she remarked thoughtfully, “but Lulu trying to read badfic about himself is priceless!” She settled down fully onto the couch. “Come on, do your worst.”
Liu Siyuan looked down at the lack of proximity between them, and then at all the space extending to the other armrest of the couch. “Are you not a little too close?”
“Nope!” trilled Lux, now half-squished into his lap as she took the tablet from him and scrolled on.
Other Siyuan-kin were captured feral from other parts of the Bonneverse. These were usually the varietal sorts of Siyuan-kin, who exhibit different traits based on the different space-time bubble settings they were in. Those captured Siyuan-kin were fitted with their Red Collars of Fate upon processing at Jieyuan Co. Ltd. Headquarters.
Life is very nice for the majority of Siyuan-kin, who are treated like pampered pets and given everything they desire by their Jacques-kin masters. Most of the time, all they desire is to be stuffed full of their Jacques-kin’s Love Power until they’re bursting with more Siyuan-and-Jacques-kins —
Liu Siyuan stared oddly at her. “Do I even want to know how you can recall that off of the top of your head?” he wondered.
“I told you! I’m a fount of reading recommendations!” Lux grinned from ear to ear. “Basically in that fic, Numey has a collar that glows when he meets his soulmate, Ilraen, and then Ilraen spends the next eighty chapters teaching him how to love through tender, kinky —”
“I would like to not think about Yile-qianbei in such a context, thank you,” interjected Liu Siyuan. Lux pouted at him, but subsided quickly and continued to read.
Good morning, Mr Bonnefoy! said a passing Sunflower as Jacques was standing out in the morning sun with a mug of coffee and this week’s edition of the Bonneverse Monitor. The cover story was something about an explosion at a Jieyuan Co. Ltd. factory on the planet Shan Shen, potentially rigged by members of a resistance organisation of Siyuan-kin that the Non-Propaganda Communications Division had dubbed ‘Siyuantifa’. Jacques shook his head at the idea that Siyuan-kin would even wish to flee from their pampered lives.
“Good morning, Mr Sunflower!” he replied cheerfully. “You seem to be in a good mood!”
The Master has seen fit to replace my malfunctioning A-Wang unit, said the Sunflower, preening its fronds. The one I have currently is too mouthy, and not even in a fun way.
Lux shrugged, examining her nails. “Yeah, a lot of people like to pair up the SO with people,” she explained. “I mean, I guess there’s just something about those fronds, you know.”
“I do not know, and would like to continue not knowing,” deadpanned Liu Siyuan.
“Well, personally, I think the SO/human thing is a bit overdone and trite,” said Lux, tapping at the tablet thoughtfully. “I mean, we get it, everyone just wants to copy Jaycacia Thornbyrd! There’s no heart in it! And certainly not enough love for any of the other Flowers…”
Leave it to Lux to see fanfiction involving the Flowers and decide the one major flaw was that everyone went for the Sunflower Official. Liu Siyuan shook his head, not exactly sure what else he expected, before reaching over to scroll down a bit more:
At the factory, Jacques was instructed to take off his clothes. He was then given a velvet bathrobe and led to the post-decanting quality check room. A line of Siyuan-kin were lying there, still fast asleep from their vat-induced dreams. They were, of course, completely naked, but also completely slicked up from the vat goo and ready to be tested.
Jacques could feel his inner dragon rising to the occasion. Scales popped up on his face and arms in excitement at seeing the beautiful naked forms of the sleeping Siyuan-kin. “Good morning, beautiful,” he told them, walking over the very first one who was only faintly starting to stir. He could see that this model actually was fitted with breasts and other female parts. “Oh look at you, you’re going to be amazing.”
Jacques leaned in to kiss the sleeping Siyuan-kin, who moaned into the kiss on instinct. This aroused Jacques even more, his double-headed piston of love now standing at full attention. He was very regretful that this Siyuan-kin was not his soulmate, or else her Red Collar of Fate would have glowed. But still, just because she wasn’t his, didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to sample the goods. It was his job, after all.
Jacques quickly spread the Siyuan-kin’s legs, and —
Liu Siyuan blinked at her. “You have no interest in this?” he wondered.
“I’ve read better,” replied Lux, examining her nails idly. “‘Ilraen’s Vacation’ had hotter sex.”
Liu Siyuan spluttered. “How many of these fanfics does Yile-qianbei have?”
“A good amount!” Lux grinned at him. “He’s an Andalite, which makes him pretty exotic! And he used to work with Numey.”
Liu Siyuan nodded. “The, er, Agent Supernumerary that was… tamed? In your previous recommendation?”
“Yup!” Lux nodded happily. “I haven’t seen him around in a while, Numey. I guess he finally snapped and went off on a long-expected vacation! Shame you never got to meet him. You two could’ve helped each other pull the sticks out of your asses.” She winked, clearly implying she would not object to witnessing such a situation.
Liu Siyuan glowered at her. “Compared to you, anyone with a sense of decency or personal boundaries would look as if they had a branch in their backside.”
“Everyone boring, you mean,” retorted Lux.
Liu Siyuan raised an eyebrow. “If I am so boring, you are perfectly welcome to leave me alone.”
“But how can I resist this? Lulu’s so cute when he’s clutching his pearls at boring kinkfic,” tittered Lux, wriggling happily. Liu Siyuan looked up at the rafters in exasperation before shoving the blonde out of his lap.
“Jacques-gege!” squealed the Siyuan-kin in her sleep, her hands clutching wildly at him. Jacques wondered if her dreams were as good as his reality, where he could put each of his love rods into a warm and slippery environment, squeezed in on all sides by her inner muscles. Maybe she was dreaming of two Jacques-kin when it was just him. He wishes he could join her in her dreams and fill her up with his superior Jieyuan Co. Ltd. brand Man-Cream™.
Liu Siyuan tilted his head at the tablet in consternation. “Did… did he trademark his —”
“Yup!” Lux shook her head. “Like I said, I’ve read better. Heck, I’ve written better. My comprehensive how-to guide on defloration was better than this!”
“Please tell me that is a gardening guide,” grumbled Liu Siyuan.
“It’s not!” Lux grinned from ear to ear. “I mean, it could be, if you wanted to give some Flowers some love —”
“Xing-qianbei!” exclaimed Liu Siyuan loudly, as the door to the PPC Lounge opened again to admit a distraction in the form of three new people. “Lin-qianbei! Did you require more help in clearing out the…” he sighed, “Chinese food?”
“That’s why we brought backup of our own!” chirped Mandy Singh, waving at him. She then nudged said backup, who appeared to be an elf of a similar build and handsomeness as Naergondir, with a similar light in his eyes. “Huinesoron, say hi to Agent Liu!”
Agent Huinesoron regarded Liu Siyuan with a wary coolness as he put a hand to his chest. “Well met,” he said, a little stiffly. “Agent Huinesoron of DOGA and DAS, at your service.”
“Liu Siyuan of DBS at yours,” replied Liu Siyuan, with a bow of his head. It was difficult to appear dignified with Lux of all people inching back into his personal space.
Agent Huinesoron seemed to have noticed that as well. “We’re not interrupting anything, are we?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Just some badfic!” interjected Lux, turning around to stick her legs across Liu Siyuan’s lap. “Lulu here is the star of it! Sort of. His clones have taken over Headquarters!”
“She is talking about the events in the fic,” appended Liu Siyuan quickly, moving her legs away.
“Ooh, this I gotta see.” Mandy bounded over to the couch, leaning over one armrest to read the tablet over Liu Siyuan’s shoulder. “I am Ryan. I am fifteen,” she read, “I am fifteen and I am the newest barista at Cafe Jenny Obsquo! This is my new job and I am so excited!”
“Mandy,” chided Lin Wei-ting from Agent Huinesoron’s other side. “We still need to move the kung pao chicken and egg drop soup, remember?”
“Wait, this is funny!” Mandy quickly took a seat on the couch next to Lux, gesturing for her colleagues to join them. “Come on, just a little bit of badfic? As a treat?”
“Since when is badfic considered a treat?” wondered Agent Huinesoron, long-suffering.
“Since when it’s funny and clearly not affecting us!” chirped Mandy. “You should consider this bonding time!”
“I have been here longer than you,” pointed out Agent Huinesoron. “I have plenty of close acquaintances that I have bonded with, nay, even friends.”
“We’re not friends?” Mandy gasped in mock affront, before looking over at Lin Wei-ting. “Did you hear that, Wei-ting? We’re not even close acquaintances. Oh, my heart! My poor mortal heart!”
“How will we ever carry on?” agreed Lin Wei-ting with similar levels of pathos.
Agent Huinesoron audibly exhaled and sent a look of commiseration at Liu Siyuan. “These two and Naergondir have spoken of you,” he said. “It almost seems inevitable that our paths would cross. As if certain Narrative Laws have had a hand in our fates.”
“The Narrative Gods do have a certain sense of humour,” agreed Liu Siyuan.
“See, I told you.” Mandy smirked knowingly at Lin Wei-ting. “Let’s stay a little bit. I want to know more about this fifteen-year-old barista.”
I am Ryan. I am fifteen! I am fifteen and I am the newest barista at Cafe Jenny Obsquo! This is my new job and I am so excited!
I have long black hair like undulating midnight waves that reach my mid-back and sparkling dark-brown eyes like rich burnt umber. I am tall, and I am willowy, and I have abs in all the right places.
Agent Huinesoron frowned from the other armrest, well away from both Mandy and Lux. “Who is this… Ryan?”
“Judging by the contents of the past,” Liu Siyuan resignedly glanced at the tablet, “sixty-three chapters, probably some younger variant of me.”
Agent Huinesoron considered him, probably taking in the dark robes and general not-from-the-era-of-Starbucks atmosphere. “I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’ve never worked as a… ‘barista’, then?”
“I have no idea what a ‘barista’ is,” confirmed Liu Siyuan.
“It’s like the people that work at PPTea,” said Lin Wei-ting quickly. “They make drinks. Mostly coffee drinks, though.”
“Ah.” Liu Siyuan nodded. “I have tea-serving experience, but that may be a given considering where I hail from.”
“Eeh, not always.” Lin Wei-ting shrugged. “I prefer using tea bags, myself.”
Liu Siyuan sent him a look of abject betrayal.
“He was cousin to my king,” replied Agent Huinesoron, and, having apparently sussed out the implications in Mandy’s question, added, “I can see a light resemblance, but Agent… Liu? Is not of the Quendi.”
Mandy giggled. “No shit, Sherlock,” she said, “but he is a cultivator.”
Agent Huinesoron looked over at Liu Siyuan. “Yes, the Eldar are fond of growing things, but I fail to see how that makes Agent Liu qualify.”
“He’s not growing things,” protested Mandy. “He’s growing a golden core. From where he gets special powers. And good looks. And immortality.”
“Just because someone is handsome and immortal doesn’t make them an elf,” countered Agent Huinesoron. “Elves are distinct from Men. Men cannot become Elves.”
“The term ‘cultivator’ is a translation,” Lin Wei-ting pointed out. “The original Chinese character is xian, 仙, which is also used to describe elves and fairies.”
“An imprecise umbrella term doesn’t make someone an elf, either,” grumbled Agent Huinesoron.
“Aren’t elves in some continua short little mischief-makers?” Mandy grinned. “So isn’t the term ‘elf’ also imprecise?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter whether or not Lulu counts as an elf,” declared Lux, sprawling herself out on both Liu Siyuan and Mandy’s laps so that she could ogle Agent Huinesoron upside-down. “The point is, he’s a long-haired immortal pretty boy who makes bad decisions. He’d fit right in with you guys.” She winked.
Agent Huinesoron and Liu Siyuan shared matching looks of scepticism, before Liu Siyuan took the tablet from Lux and continued to read:
“One cup of Love Power Latte, please!” said a handsome baritone voice from behind while I was frothing my milk. I turned around, and all of a sudden my neck felt very warm. I gasped, looking into a pair of deep cerulean orbs.
Those were the eyes of my soulmate! I shivered. “Who are you?” I asked.
“Yofennob Seuqcaj,” said my soulmate with a smile. He had hair the colour of burnt honey amber and eyes the colour of a cornflower pond. He smelt of coffee, cocaine, and a whiff of byronic despair.
The Noldo considered the name for a moment, and then asked (with clear dread in his voice), “Is it… Vorindo?”
Liu Siyuan raised an eyebrow. “You are familiar with Bo-qianbei?”
“Oh stars, no,” said Agent Huinesoron, shaking his head a little too emphatically. “Naergondir is his friend — somehow — so everything I know about him, I have learnt against my will.”
I was so starstruck! I am biggest fan! He is the lead singer of BTS (Bonnefoy The Star), and everyone in the Bonneverse loved him. His videos on BonneBonne (A/N: like BiliBili lol) are the highest-rated ones ever, because his voice was like liquid sex!
“Jacques!” I gasped, and then quickly put my hands over my Red Collar of Fate, which was still glowing. I was very self-conscious about my collar. It’s my biggest insecurity.
My soulmate put a finger to his lips. “Please don’t tell anyone else. This is just our little secret.” He winked at me. “I have to use a secret codename every time I go out, so the paparazzi won’t notice me. But you’re right, I’m Jacques.”
“Here’s your latte,” I said with shaking hands and a quivering voice. I pushed the cup of latte at him. “I know you probably have a lot of people whose collars light up when they see you, but —”
Jacques shook his head. “No, actually, I know none of them really love me for who I really am, on the inside. I know they adore me but I am so lonely sometimes. The other band members are nice, but I need true love.”
“I just gave you some,” I joked, gesturing towards the latte. He sipped it and smiled.
“Perfect,” he said. “I’ve been watching you for a while, you know. You have the cutest smile and I’m so glad you’re my soulmate. What’s your name?”
“Ryan,” I said shyly. “Ryan Liu.” (A/N: so his English name is Ryan lol! What a twist!)
“Ryan,” said Jacques seriously. “Would you like to go on tour with me?”
“…Is that also a fic starring Yile-qianbei?” asked Liu Siyuan.
“No, actually.” Lux sat back up — or was pushed back up by Mandy — and shifted so that her legs were dangling over the back of the couch. This had the unfortunate side effect of making her skirt fly up, causing Liu Siyuan to politely avert his gaze. “It stars Jaq-Jaq and Zebby! Literally, because Jacques is a Broadway actor in it. And he meets Zeb in a coffee shop.”
Liu Siyuan really needed to leave his RC more. He had only some idea who Zeb was, and that was mostly because Dawn McKenna had mentioned him a couple times before.
“I thought coffee shops were a popular place for fanfiction meet-cutes,” remarked Mandy.
“Sure, they’re practically archetypal at this point,” agreed Lux, “but this particular combination of coffee shop meet-cute plus Jaq-Jaq being a musical star is a little suspect, isn’t it?”
“Says the person who once staged a musical with him involving a cardboard cutout of Dafydd Illian and a boar’s head,” grumbled Agent Huinesoron.
Luxury pouted at him. “It was avant-garde! You wouldn’t understand.”
“And I’m all the better for it,” agreed Agent Huinesoron.
Jieke-chan was sitting across the table in the cafeteria at PPC High from his senpai Siyuan-kun.
“There, there,” said the scientist. “At least they got the vague geographical region right?”
“The Celestial Empire and Dongying are not the same!” hissed Liu Siyuan.
“The whatsits?” asked Mandy.
“Ancient China and Ancient Japan,” said Lin Wei-ting quickly.
“Oh, yeah.” Mandy shook her head, and then turned and grinned at Agent Huinesoron. “It’s like the Noldor versus the Sindar.”
Agent Huinesoron raised an eyebrow. “So… a band of seven people from Ancient China and their followers immigrate to Ancient Japan and eventually end up causing the downfall of Ancient Japan because of their father’s shiny?”
“Okay, more just ‘two completely different languages that everyone assumes are mutually intelligible because they’re spoken by people of a certain race’,” amended Mandy.
Also with Jieke-chan was his best friend Dawn-chan (A/N: I know it’s bad to have a self-insert so this is my friend instead!). She was a neko girl. She had kawaii nekomimi desu.
The cherry blossoms were falling outside. It was so beautiful and pink. Siyuan-kun should have a Red Collar of Fate, but it wasn’t visible underneath his gakuran. Jieke-chan wondered if he could make Siyuan-kun reveal the collar just to see if it’s him. He had to come up with a plan.
“You can do this!” cheered Dawn-chan. She started to beat a taiko drum. (A/N: I don’t know how they cheer in China but that’s how it is Japan so close enough right?)
Jieke-chan girded his lions. “Siyuan-kun,” he said, approaching the taller senpai, blushing with a letter and homemade chocolates, “please take care of me.”
Siyuan-kun took the letter. It was a hart felt confession. It said:
Siyuan-kun,
Will you go to prom? With me???
Jieke-chan
Siyuan-kun gasped, one tear falling from his eyes onto the letter. He suddenly remembered how the two of them had grown up together. How Jieke-chan was always there for him. His heart swelled in his chest. He dropped the letter and took Jieke-chan’s hand with one of his hands. The other one undid a button on his gakuran and gave it to Jieke-chan.
“EHHHH? YABAI!” screamed Dawn-chan. (A/N: Yabai is just oy vey in Japanese!)
Jieke-chan’s eyes went wide and he blushed. “Siyuan-kun?” he gasped. He blushed.
Siyuan-kun opened the collar of his gakuran to reveal a soft red glow. His Red Collar of Fate was glowing! Jieke-chan couldn’t believe his eyes.
“Senpai’s collar has been glowing ever since we met in elementary school,” said Siyuan-kun, as he pressed the button into Jieke-chan’s hands. “Senpai hopes Jieke-chan will take care of him, too.”
“Jieke-chan love-loves Siyuan-kun!” exclaimed Jieke-chan, and then he leaned up and KISSEDhim (A/N: omg!!) and the cherry blossom petals fell into Siyuan-kun’s long ebony hair. It was so beautiful.
Siyuan-kun blushed when they pulled apart with just a small string of saliva hanging in the air as a sign of their connection. “My heart is on fire, Jieke-chan,” he breathed dramatically. “I need to take a bath and cool down…”
Liu Siyuan raised the tablet to look down at her. “And which PPC fanfic is Lilith copying now?”
“Well, with the love confession and the friend helping with said love confession,” mused Lux, “I would have to say ‘Should U, Wuld U, Kudzu B Mine?’. Not as clear-cut as the segment ripping off of ‘A Lion’s Pride’, but ‘Should U, Wuld U, Kudzu B Mine?’ is already a Brechtian deconstruction of PPC fanfiction, with all of the classic hallmarks: overpowered original agents, romance involving Flowers, non-diegetic audience apostrophe…”
“You mean in-text author’s notes?” asked Mandy.
Lux’s nose wrinkled. “‘Should U, Wuld U, Kudzu B Mine?’ is a masterpiece,” she declared. “This is just the cheap Chinese knock-off!”
The three agents of Chinese descent in the room raised their eyebrows.
Lux laughed sheepishly. “Whoops, sorry!” She then sent a wide-eyed look over at Agent Huinesoron, who grimaced at her in a ‘better you than me’ sort of way.
“Since the fic mentions factory clones of myself, I guess the comparison was warranted,” muttered Liu Siyuan as he continued to scroll.
“Great. The Multiverse can’t take this much critical instability,” said Lori Starrett. “We’re going to have to do something about this. What do you think, Siyuan?”
The original Liu Siyuan, along with his younger A-Wang and Yuanyuan counterparts, slammed a hand on the table. “First, we have to rescue Sect Leader Liu,” he said. “He’s the one who created Bobby; he’ll know all of Bobby’s weaknesses.”
“Part of the power that Bobby wields is the Key to Bonnefoy,” added A-Wang, pulling up a picture. The Key looked like Jack Harkness’s wrist strap, but there were glowing stones inside. “We have to get that off of him too before we can destroy him.”
“Okay,” said Dawn, “but should we do that first or rescue Sect Leader Liu first?”
“Oh, you missed a lot of the earlier bits!” said Lux, still leaning against Liu Siyuan’s knee. “Basically one of Lulu’s clones made an Urple tentacle monster that possessed Jacques and made him take over the Multiverse.”
“You were not here for that,” Liu Siyuan pointed out. “Did you read the earlier chapters, too?”
“What, like it’s hard?” scoffed Lux, blinking innocently up at him.
Liu Siyuan shook his head. “I cannot think of anyone who would willingly want to read this monstrosity.”
“Aren’t we doing that right now?” wondered Mandy.
“I lost a bet,” said Liu Siyuan. “The rest of you are here of your own volition.”
“And with that reminder, I think maybe it’s time I attempted exiting stage left,” announced Agent Huinesoron, rising to his feet. He looked at his colleagues, then gestured towards a tray of kung pao chicken and a large container of egg drop soup. “Shouldn’t we be getting these back to DAS before they get too cold to salvage?”
Lin Wei-ting sighed, clambering off of the armrest. “Yeah, probably,” he agreed. “Come on, Mandy.”
Mandy scrunched up her nose. “You’ll be okay, right, Siyuan?” she asked. “You know you don’t have to finish, either.”
“No, my honour hangs in the balance,” stated Liu Siyuan with a comically grave expression. “I refuse to let Bo-qianbei win. I do not want to wear a t-shirt to mahjong.”
Lin Wei-ting snorted. “I’m sure you could pull off a t-shirt,” he said.
Liu Siyuan blinked. He was pretty sure the scientist did not actually mean to encourage him to undress; that sounded more like something Lux would do. “I thank you for your faith in me,” he said, “but I would rather keep my clothes as they are.”
“Bo~ring,” teased Lux, finally getting back onto the couch as Mandy vacated it. This time, she sat atop the backrest, perched like a scantily-clad bird. As Agent Huinesoron helped Mandy and Lin Wei-ting carry out the very last trays of Chinese takeout, Lux caught the elf’s eye from across the room and blew a kiss at him.
Agent Huinesoron sent a commiserating look at Liu Siyuan, before he pointedly turned away and headed out of the Lounge.
Lux sighed. “It’s always the prissy ones.”
Liu Siyuan had no idea what to say to that, so he held up the tablet. “Moving on?” he asked.
That cheered her up immediately. “Moving on!” agreed Lux brightly, before nudging his shoulder with her shin. “Lulu’s being so nice to me all of a sudden!”
“I would prefer not to go blind alone,” replied Liu Siyuan, and pulled up the next chapter.
I've been sitting on this content for WEEKS because I'm just in SHOCK that u think u can write something this OOC and just plain WRONG and GET AWAY WITH IT. In your VERY FIRST CHAPTER there's oocness!!! From the start? Like, how do you get them so far off I don't
So yeah, I'm just kind of BOGGLED at the fact that u think u can just wander back into this fandom after like six YEARS or whatever and not even, like, LOOK AT NEW JACQUES CONTENT BC if u did ud know how SUPER REALLY WRONG U ARE like srsly, did you just read the mission with lsy and go YAY TIME FOR SLASH!!????:!!?????!!!!! and that's it?? Liek, no, girl, u have to get CAUGHT UP if u want to write Jacques properly he'd never do half this stuff you managed to get him eating PANCAKES wrong!!!!!!! Like, get caught up before u start posting new stuff??? Ur going to spread miscarriages mission Morrison mischaracterization like???
And you didn't even get LSY right I don't even understand, like how can u get him so wrong? There's barely even anything written for him yet!!! Sit down, lil Lilith, u don't know what the heck ur doing with these characters AND IT SHOWS. Like, u couldn't even start small with a cameo or something?? I mean, they'd probably be ooc there to, but like. Wooooow, girl.
~~~**DW~~~~~*
-- ((Sorry it took me so long to get this going! :P But here we go at last. 1, 2, 3 fangirl fight, go! Probably still a bit slowly, but the thread seems to be slightly active, so why not? ~Z
Also feat.: real words autocorrect tried to give me when I swiped 'misclassification'--nope, sorry, that's another one. It doesn't like mischaracterization, I guess, though it doesn't underline it in red or anything, at least...))
sorry i was like gettin famous elsewhere on the interwebz!!111 and i did reed moar jaques content but it wasn't SMEXYY ENOUF DUHHHHH i mean whotf is grace??!!! and itchy underwear? lol not sexcee at all!!! at least i hav da ballz to write smutt and all you can say is "he touched her in all da rite placez" lol coward!!
neway it's fan FICTION and i do wht i want? canon is dead and i am the god of this fic and if i want it to be smorgasbord of kinks that appeal 2 me specifically i can!!! u don't get to 1039243823494 kudos on ao3 writing silly vanilla fluffballs liek what u do!!!
((I am sorry. I am so sorry ahahahaha))
but theres no purple tentacle in HQ cuz jay an acacia would have sad if there where??? this sotry is so wierd!
((But honestly I want Shrek translated into Circular Gallifreyan as a real thing, and I want it on my wall, and I want it YESTERDAY. And “I did my holding! Twelve chapters of it! With Bo-qianbei!” made me chuckle. The “wonton” typo is of course always solid. XD
Long story short: I am exceptionally invested, even if FunGirl is just confused.))
shouldn't u b on club penguin instead uv reeding adult-rated fanfiction?
((someBODY once told me the Daleks gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the TARDIS... ;P ))
Isn't Jacques in a relationshipwith Jenni Robinson? Why did you have to write slasshfic about him with Liu Siuyan? that just doesnt make any sense.
jacques is big sexy man with lots of girlfriends and boyfriends? jenni isn't his only person? also :/ i liked jenni better with suicide :/ or nume ://///
((Just in case you really were concerned about this, since I know you dislike extracanonical slash, Jenni is fine with Jacques/LSY -- the not-horrible-badfic variety anyway. So don't worry too much!))
like how a lot of people write Aragorn/Legolas or Frodo/Sam slashfic. I don't hate LGBTQ people or anything, I just get annoyed with uncanonical slash. -Claire))
I'm going to have to say we need to agree to disagree on its validity and/or place in fandom. I personally didn't read slash for Tolkienverse until after the Hobbit movies came out and I started shipping Bilbo/Thorin, but allowing other people to read into their favourite works with homoerotic lenses is not going to hurt you or your own reading, I promise.
As for slashing a character with a canonical partner: Jacques and Jenni have a special relationship. I'm not going to get into details on it because they're not my characters and it could be spoilery, but the baseline is that they are both shippable with other characters despite also being in a relationship with one another. Any Jacques/LSY content that happens from me, canonical or noncanonical, is written with the knowledge and consent of both Zing and Nesh. ~Lily))
... and thinking like I usually do. My brain does not like this waffling. Sometimes one kind of thinking bleeds into the other, and the weird mental images I keep getting from the badfics don't help matters. To put a long story short, my brain is doing its level best to turn into a pile of spaghetti. Now that I think about it, this was less annoying than other non-slash badfic I have read. I don't have much experience with slash, good or bad, so why should I be judging it? In the heat of the moment, I think I also forgot about the rule of "your kink is not my kink". Sorry if I was rude. -Claire))
you're actually able to change what the "Author" field says even though your account name is something else. We generally just keep the badfic writer personas limited to the Badfic Games thread.
Another thing: a lot of people on this Board, myself included, are part of the LGBTQ+ community. I know you said you have nothing against those types of people, and I am sure you do not, but it does come across a little bit insensitive to hear so frequently how much uncanonical slash bothers you. Many of us have felt similarly about slash when we were younger, but many of us have come to enjoy slash pairings (canonical or otherwise) that we enjoy. Slash is not everyone's cup of tea, but reminding everyone constantly about how much you dislike it when it's not a canonical pairing (and canonical M/M and F/F pairings for a good amount of pre-2010s media is incredibly rare to find) shades into a sort of condemnation of the genre that can put other people on this Board on edge. I really hope, come Permission time, that your chiefest impression on the Permission Givers is not "that person who hates slash". I doubt it will give them much confidence that you are able to write missions in the spirit of the PPC.
In any case, thank you for the apology. I hope you have a fun Badfic Games! Please try not to take any of the badfics too seriously. ~Lily))
before i started sputtering indignantly.
he's literally reskinned jack harkness!! and also in dw canon jack has lots of BOYFRIENDS! so it's actually more IC for jacques to be with a man ://///
get it cuz it's like FanGirl but im all about the FUN? I am FUNGIRL. GET IT?
omg i cant believe it's that time of year! im so excited! Im digging up an oldie but a goodie haha and i have NEVAR posted anything anywhere befor so BE NICE ok?
Title: an all lower-case song lyric title(with some parenthesis)
Pairing: hS/Reader porbably lol spoilers i guess
Summary: My mother SOLD me to the PPC?!?!?!??!
Chatper 1: Beginnenings
[BEEEEEEEEEEP COME ON Y/N I SAID BEEEEEEEEP]
Groaning you rolled out of your bed and tried to remember were you were. oh right. you were at the PPC because your terrible mother had sold you to the PPC because she couldnt pay the bills because she was an alcolic.
FLASHBACK
“Y/N!!!” mom screeched like an angry owl. “get out of bed!!! you lazy!!! girl!!!”
Groaning you rolled out of your bed and put your naturally blonde with blonde highlights hair up in a messy bun and then you put on your biggest hoodie that said PPC Protectors of teh Plot Continum on it and it had all of the hottest guys on it like Hinesoron and some others. The hoodie was way too big on you cuz your too skinny and everyone hates you but you also look so pretty when you have just woken up though you are like barely aware of it. you went down to breakfast and there was mom still super mad but you werent even late so you dint know why.
“y r u so mad?” you asked and mom thrw a piece of toast at your face like a shurken.
“don’t disrespect your elders!!!” she scremed. “you are so lazy and rude!!! I cant have you in the house nemore!!! I am selling you to the PPC!!!!”
“what” you cried tears streaming down your face from your orbs that were sparkling with tears.
“they will straighten you out an no mistake!!! and they are paying a hefty sum might I add!!! this will buy me a lot of booz and also drugs!!!”
You couldnt believe that your mom was selling you to the PPC for drug money. but it was true! You thought you could run away from it but she made you pack a bag so you took your big duffle bag and you put all of your clothes that were black and all your potted plants (you love potted plants for some raisin) and a poster of Hs wearing a golden cape and your stationary computer and eighteen books. you loved to read because you were not like other girls that were all about make-up but you were still naturally so much prettier than them.
Mom called you down again. You took one last look at your room and crid some more then you took your bag and left. There was someone new in the kitchen and mom was counting hundreds in piles and piles on the table.
“hi” said the sunflower official thtat was there. “i have herd a lot of good things about you Y/N. Are you ready to become an assassni?”
END FLASHBACK
So here you are about to get a mission. BUT. Who is your PARTNER?!?!?! FIND OUT
(since i am only 14 if you are mean to me in comments I am callin the FBI! it is my FIRST FANFIC)
((Hello, this is Ekwy. And this was so much fun, but the second person POV scrambled my brain. I never played with writing badfic with my agents back in the day, but Blank, Ekwy, Moira and anyone else is totally up for grabs!))
Chapper Twop: The PARTNER
“get up sleepyhed we have a mission” said a sexy voice from the other side of the bed and you looked over there blinking slep from your orbs.
over there was a guy he had dark hair and pointy ears he was hott. AND. You recognised him!! how was that possble??
“u are Hinesoron!” you gasped. “wait. U are my partner?”
“my reputation preseeds me” he smirked an you blushed. “yeah. the SO put us together. i wont be babysittin you tho so dont get any ideas. no rules when it comes to sue killing.”
omg. he was so sarcasic. You got out of bed and grabbed your bag sniffing.
“well lets go” you said being a profeshnal.
“ooo new kid gonna get teh job done?” he smirked raisin an eyebrow. “thats rich.”
“um actually i am not new i have read all teh ppc missions” you said because u have. “i will be an elf when we go to middleearth” an you put in the buttons that you will be an elf with pointy ears and long blonde hair an a bow an arrow.
Hiunosoron is impressed. “you have red them all wow u are not like other girls i am impressed” he said raising an eyebrow. “ok new kid lets go.”
you were so pleased cuz u had sounded cool and you are not like other girls other girls cant read but THEN you stumbled and fell over cuz u are clums. BUT. u felt a pear of stong arms rapped aroun dyou. OMG. he had CAUGHT u!!!
"carful new kid" he smirked "don want u hurtin urself....."
then he got quite. he staired into your orbs an u starred into his orbs. your lips were so close you could smell his breathe an he was moving closer an closer
Author’s Note: OMG what is goin to HAPPEN!!!? FIND OUT NEX TTIME!!!! Comments made me rite FASTER lol!!1
Huinsoron sounds like a YA vampire boyfriedn
Ithink Brandy i right that Huinesoror is jsut another versian of Dafydd Illian (you can read "A Morning of Mourning" to finds out whothe other vrsions are!) but thats'd okay bacuase mayble he's just a mean version?? NEway I loke how you'e writing a mission! Thery'r not enough PPC missions I think.
I'hae no idea what's going to happen next!!
((You'd better watch out, or there'll be a girl named Y/N running around in JayBird's latest offering... :O ~hS, laughing his socks off))
Bcuz he sounds ore like Sumernumberary. He's a meenie in canon and he SUX, and Huinesoron is NOT. He is the same peson as Dafydd ad Supernumersary is ihs EVIL father, wchih u would NO if u read JayBird's stories which u SHOULD bcuz they r GR8!
Also r u steeling MY idea of having an new anget oartnered w/Huineoron, bcuz I totes did that 1st. ): U should R&R my story "A 2nd Chance"! and if u do mabe I wil rite more!!! lol :DDD
https://fanficverse.neocities.org/FfW/Story50-1.htm
XOXOX
(( IIRC, Brandy didn't used to have any idea who Supernumerary is, but since JayBird wrote about him I guess she does now. Sort of. {= P I mention this mostly for my own reference, because keeping track of what Brandy thinks is like trying to lasso clouds.
(( Very amused, looking forward to seeing where this goes! "Orbs," gotta love 'em. For some reason, I can't stop snickering at "Chapper Twop." ^_^
~Neshomeh ))
i think he would just be hotter if he was mean 1st and then got nicer??? it is called an ARC. um an i have red all teh jaycacia storis but this is MY STORY and i rite HOW I WANT
um ur story is rilly old an i dint even red it lol so maybe dont acuse me its not even tru????
((Thanks! I have made it my mission to never ever write "eyes" in this story. xD My chapter misspellings are a little reference to Welcome to Fanfiction.Net! (and Wattpad) by JelloApocalypse on Youtube. (bl1 is like mentioned by name once but misspelled and in a parody setting, I am just tagging it to be on the super safe side.) ))
they seem so boRING? where iz da cool powers??? u should read jaybird's stories. jaycacia is so much better than y/n!!!
um she hasnt even been on a mission yet!!! so!!! i hav red all of jaycacias storis and i am not a PLAGIRISER so i rite y/n how i LIKE and maybe she has powers but their SECRET did you even think bout that????? NO U DINT cuz U A HATER
((Doubt I am the first with a few of them, but I am just trying to spell it wrong differently each time. ...This is not at all going to come back to bite me, is it? XD
/Ekwy)))
and getting squashed.
((Ekwy I am sending you my medical bills I need to get stitches from all the laughter!! Incredible ~Lily))
so instead of Y/N u can pretend it says lillith Whydenbroke an u dont have to b so MEEN!
((Thanks! It does my heart good to keep thinking of the dumbest possible way of misspelling something. XD)
though I'd perfer one withhe hottest GIRLS on it obsicousl.
Can't wait to find out who youre partner is! I cant' guess at all!
it is an HONOUR 2 b reweiwd by THE GRATE!!!
ansers will come!!! soon!!
(Author’s Note: Hello y’all, Louie Carolole’s older sib here. Louie’s unfortunately suffering burnout at the moment, but he was real insistent I help him crank something out for this group. I feel he’s grown attached to the community, and all that. Anyway, I think it’s nice he finally found a good place to express his imagination, and I’ve tried to be supportive of him the last few years. Wouldn’t be a good sister if I didn’t, eh?
So. This bit of writing's technically from me, I guess, so I’ll change up the name a bit to suit. Ideas are from him, but actual translation into understandable words are from me. To be honest, though, the only knowledge I have of this canon is from the wiki, so don’t expect characterization masterpieces.
So yeah. Hope you understand, and I hope y’all enjoy the piece.
-Lou Carole)
(Disclaimer - Homestuck, Y’gatha Mesome’s home continuum, belongs to Andrew Hussie. Y’gatha herself belongs to that one aspiring artist on the wiki’s Discussion page, whoever owns the throwaway account of No1r413. World One belongs to whoever or whatever created World One, a topic that is still hotly debated by World One-ers to this day. The PPC belongs to Acacia and Jay, wherever they are. The Emergencies referenced belong to those who created them in the first place, though I’m not entirely certain who they were. Pokemon belongs to Gamefreak and I guess Nintendo. The Cthulhu Mythos belong to H. P. Lovecraft. I only own the characters of the half-flesh robot, Mr. Matterhorn, and Torchic 04.)
(Content Warning: Contains cooking with fire, chopping with knives, zombie-robots, metal limbs popping off, a reference to a very Not-Safe-For-FourMoons character, large Homestuck bug aliens, and ligma.)
“Pew pew pew! Y’gatha Mesome obliterates your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum with her muse of all aspects powers!”
Y’gatha Mesome grinned, baring glitter-caked fangs at the two unfortunate souls in front of her. Her insectoid wings buzzed loudly as she hovered ominously in mid-air, and her pupiless eyes glowed with an ever-changing array of light. The raw power of a Muse of All Aspects flickered around her claws, and her smile grew wider as she thought of the fear she was causing the sad mooks in front of her.
Neither soul gave her more than a sidelong glance.
The older one, an overweight, elderly man with more wrinkles than a crumpled tuxedo in a dog park and a graying beard flecked with unidentifiable meat, raised an eyebrow.
Y’gatha stared at the two as they shuffled around their strange little working area, pulling glittering meat from wooden boxes and moving them around and chopping and slicing and generally doing Cafeteria work without a care in the world. This didn’t please Y’gatha very much, and she cleared her throat.
”Pew pew pew-”
The older worker slammed the cleaver they were slicing with down with a loud thunk and spun his head around to stare at her.
“What is it?” he asked.”Surely you can wait a little, eh? Souffle won’t be ready ‘til lunch hour.”
The younger worker, a scrawny but comically top-heavy woman with metal where some of her skin should’ve been and rotting, sinewy muscle where the metal wasn’t, poured a few drops of Bleeprin onto a tray of meatloaf and started spreading it with a rubber spatula.
“To be fair, lunch break doesn’t really… exist around here. Time is weird, and all that.” She idly scratched the pair of dry, raggedy rodent ears on the top of her head with a metallic claw. “But still. Main courses aren’t ready yet.”
Y’gatha looked from one worker to the other, slowly feeling like she wasn’t being taken seriously.
”Y’gatha is not here for souffle,” she proclaimed, drawing herself up. ”Y’gatha is here to obliterate your entire fun sucking wet-blanket-”
The older worker clicked his tongue loudly. “You said that already,” he remarked, chopping at a stick of butter. “Can’t go attracting the ire of the Department of Redundancy Department now, eh? Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Besides,” added the younger worker. “You’re already a bit iffy on that front to begin with. There’s been a lot of people wanting to destroy HQ before, from what I’ve heard, so this almost seems repetitive.” She picked up the tray of meatloaf and walked over to the oven.
The older man tilted up his chopping board, sliding his sliced butter into a small bowl, chuckling as he did so. “I’ll say. But hey, at least it’s something, eh? Normally work’s boring as all get-out, so anything’s a nice change of pace.” He picked up a few shakers of salt, pepper, and black glitter and began sprinkling it into the bowl.
He adjusted his glasses and turned to the other worker. “Take for example, Slorp. You remember Slorp?”
”Slorp?” hissed Y’gatha, striding forward and standing in front of the old man, arms crossed. ”What is Slorp, and what does it have to do with Y’gatha’s story?”
The younger worker slid her tray of meatloaf into the oven and slammed the door shut, before tapping away at the timer. A whip-like, hairless tail awkwardly poking out from the back of her uniform twitched slightly, sending flakes of dead skin floating to the ground. “Don’t remind me,” she said. “I was cleaning meat out of my wires for weeks after that.”
“And we were cleaning your limbs out of the meat! Ho! Ho! Ho!” The man casually sidestepped Y’gatha and opened up a drawer.
“...Yeah, and that. Made the cleaning a lot harder than it should have been, let me tell you that.”
”Y’gatha-” Y’gatha tried again, but neither Cafeteria worker seemed to be listening anymore.
The older agent chuckled again as he pulled out a whisk and began churning the spiced butter. “But believe me, it was worse before then. Were you there when the Macroviruses showed up?”
The younger agent blinked, stepping away from the oven. “Um. I don’t think so, no.” She headed over to a large refrigerator, pulling out a few containers.
The old man nodded. “Well, believe me, it was a wild time back there! Ho! Ho! Ho! Giant bugs, sister. Giant bugs. They crawled into people and did giant evil bug things and generally made a mess of everything. Lots of chaps died.” He pulled out a jar of sugar and began heavily coating the top of the butter mix.
“I almost died!” he continued with a grin. “Ho! Ho! Ho! And when that was over, the Sue Factories invaded!”
He put the jar (which for whatever reason had transformed into a bag) of sugar to the side and picked up a bird-creature passing by. “Oh, hello there. Torchic, Ember.” The small orange chicken-thing in his hands obliged, shooting a burst of fire at the sugared butter.
The rat-like younger worker blinked again. “Ah, was that when-” She shot a sidelong glance at Y’gatha. “Erm. Hey, how good are you at keeping secrets?”
Y’gatha scowled. “Y’gatha will obliterate-”
“Yeah, good enough.” She turned back to the old man. “That’s when I started working here, right?”
The man laughed. “Ho! Ho! Ho! In a sense, yes.” He turned to Y’gatha with a conspiratory grin. “One of the Sues there, she was. Don’t even know if she ever got sent for a de-glittering session or nothing. Ho!”
The Torchic in his hands started squirming a bit, so the man put it down. “Ah, yes. Good Pokey-man.” He patted it lightly on the head. “Good work, here.”
The Torchic took a moment to proudly puff out its chest, displaying the tiny bird-sized pore fungus flash patch taped to its feathers, before spinning on its heel(?) and trotting off.
The younger woman pursed her lips. “Right. Not that it matters, of course. Nobody seemed to mind me working here, and I’m frankly fine with it. Better than soldiering, at least. Limbs come off less frequently, too.” As if on cue, on of her arms popped off with a metallic click and fell to the floor in a sad heap of rotten flesh and rusted metal.
“...Screw you, Ironic Overpower.”
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” boomed the old man, adjusting his inch-thick glasses.
”Excuse me, Y’gatha is still important!” shouted Y’gatha. Neither agent reacted.
The younger worker bent over and picked up her disembodied arm before roughly jamming it back in place with a sound that was a combination of wet meat squelching and the hair-raising screech of metal on metal. “Anyway,” she said. “Could you pass the sugar?”
“Ah, sure. Sorry about that, I’m just finding everything dreadfully funny today. Ho! Ho!” The man picked up the jar of sugar and tossed it across the kitchen. It nearly clocked Y’gatha in the head, and she ducked away, hissing.
“Thanks.” The younger woman caught the jar in one metal claw and set it next to a carton of milk and a packet of table salt.
“So,” she added, pouring some sugar into a bowl. “Y’gatha, was it? What’re you here for, again? Where’re you from?”
Y’gatha pulled herself fully upright. "Y'gatha is from the Discussion page on your Wiki, here to obliterate your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum! You utter buffoons do not even know you are but puppets under control of-"
She was interrupted by a glob of butter being flung onto her face.
"Nope!" the old man said with a grin, swinging a large measuring spoon by his side as Y’gatha hissed and began wiping off her face with her claws. "Not doing another Swan Song, thank you very much. One was enough!"
“Don't know what you're talking about, but I fully agree. Fourth wall breaking’s a real touchy subject, especially here of all places.” The younger worker mixed in the packet of table salt and a pinch of cornstarch, before unscrewing the lid of the milk carton. “So. Y'gatha. Before you go to try and blow up the place, how about you get to know the people a little? I promise they’re a lot better than they seem at first.”
The old man chuckled. “Believe me, I know. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
The woman continued. “It doesn’t have to start with violence, you know? Talk to people. Explore the place. Maybe take a look around before you raze it all to the ground. Besides, who knows? You might even wind up attached a bit.”
“Hold up, where are our manners?” said the old man. “We never even introduced ourselves!” His gray, raggedy beard twitched as he grinned, and he held out a glitter-and-blood-stained hand. “Ligma B. Matterhorn, at your service! Well met, and ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ho! Ho! Ho!”
He gestured over to the younger worker, who had gone to mixing at her bowl of ambiguously-edible Cafeteria slime. “The anime ratgirl over there is Koratta Tesso. Don’t mind the rusty metal bits and rotting flesh, she still has more soul than a good amount of folk I’ve met here! Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Lies and slander,” Tesso deadpanned, pouring the off-white slime from the bowl into a saucepan. “Anyways, welcome to the PPC, enjoy your stay while you can.”
Y’gatha blinked, horribly confused and feeling angry. These idiots weren’t giving her the attention she craved, the respect she deserved with her powers, they weren’t scared or-
Of course.
They weren’t Agents, that had to be the issue! The conflict between Sues and the PPC always seemed to revolve around Assassins and Disentanglers and Floaters and the like, not background extras like Cafeteria workers.
Y’gatha grinned. It was time to find some real targets.
The old man raised an eyebrow at her. “So. You staying for the souffle, or…”
Y’gatha cackled, wings buzzing louder as she raised herself off the ground. ”No souffle!” she screeched. ”Y’gatha is off! Y’gatha is powerful! Y’gatha will be respected!”
In an act of spite, she raised a hand and fired a bolt of multicolored energy into the kitchen, blasting several prepared dishes and containers of ingredients to pieces. She cackled again as her eyes glowed bright, lighting up the walls like a disco ball.
“Pew pew pew! Y’gatha Mesome obliterates your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum with her muse of all aspects powers!” she roared one last time, before blasting out of the kitchen, out of the Cafeteria, into the halls of HQ, leaving behind only the echoing of her mad laughter.
The two cafeteria workers stood in silence for a bit.
“Well, then,” the older one said, shrugging. “Back to work, I suppose.” He picked up his bowl of freshly-made butter-and-glitter crème brûlée and put it to the side.
The younger one sighed. “She didn’t even say goodbye.” Her tail flicked in agitation, and a few more flakes of dead skin scattered off. “Rather rude, even for a Sue.”
“Eh.” The old man shrugged and pulled out a jar of Bleeprin, scattering some pills into a measuring spoon. “Could’ve been worse, as far as big dramatic shenanigans go. Could’ve been another Key to Canon thing, or another Swan Song.” He tumbled the pills into a small baking tray and dumped a tub of cookie dough on top of them, ignoring the splotches that flew out of the pan and into his beard.
“I… I don’t know what those are, but alright.” The younger worker bent down and started picking up the broken glass and shards of metal scattered from Y’gatha’s energy blast. She looked up at the old man. “Anyways, should we just pretend this never happened?”
“I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
((Welp. Guess this is happening again. Anyways!
This badfic was actually spawned from a combination of midnight delirium and my natural lack of ability to piece together a long-term story. I just... kinda let loose and let the sleep-deprived writing muse take the reigns for this one.
So, hope y'all like it. Or hate it, which would probably be better for a badfic games piece. Signing off.
-OrangeFox))
(Author's Note: Once again, we return. Turns out? Bro really liked what I wrote and demanded to help make ideas for more. I supposed it couldn’t hurt- I never did like leaving things on a cliffhanger.)
(Disclaimer: The Dojo and matching manager belong to Soap and Alleb. Luxury belongs to Jay and Acacia. Melpomene was originally written by Tawaki, ended up on the "up for adoption" page, and I don't know whether this disclaimer holds up as strongly for them anymore. Doesn't hurt to put it down, anyway.)
(Content Warning: Contains uncomfortably-worded threats [blaming Louie for those ones], innuendo, and a singular chancla.)
Y’gatha glided down the hallway, scanning back and forth. She knew - she wasn’t sure how, she just knew - that where the Generic grey halls were, there’d eventually be Agents. It was only a matter of time.
She turned a corner and came across a small doorway labeled as a Dojo. Grinning to herself, knowing there must be Agents in this place of violence and feeling this was as good a place as any to start her line on conquest, she looked in and opened her mouth to scream her signature chant.
”Pew pew pew! Y’gatha Mesome obli-”
A few seconds later, Y’gatha found herself retreating down the halls under the unrelenting, painful blows of the Dojo’s owner. To be more specific, the chancla she wielded with force and finesse greater than anyone, glittery Warrior Sues and power fantasy Stus included, Y’gatha had ever known.
Y’gatha fled, her wings carrying her faster than they ever had in her life as the short, deadly woman’s yelling and cursing faded away into the distance. She turned another corner, barely making the turn with her speed-
And came barreling into another person, sending them both collapsed on the floor in a pile.
Y’gatha took a moment to regain her vision, but it was then she noticed the person she was pinning to the ground.
She was a blonde, ditzy looking woman with a short ponytail and the sort of vacant expression one normally had after one-too-many shots of dogwater mead. She also happened to be wearing clothes that showed what Y’gatha thought, even by her own glittery standards, was far too much skin for the late morning.
But the most important detail was the badge. Emblazoned with a three-eyed rubber duck, Y’gatha remembered the symbol from her Factory training. A Bad Slasher - which meant an Agent. This was what she had been waiting for.
“Oh, hello there!” the woman chirped, somehow unfazed by Y’gatha, destroyer of fun sucking wet blanket continuums, pinning her to the floor. “This wouldn’t be a preposition, would it?”
Y’gatha stared for a split second, completely stunned by the complete lack of fear response.
“Excuse me?” she finally said.
The blonde smiled and tilted her head coyly, fluttering her eyelids. “Last time I checked, usually the pinning comes after the clothes come off. Did you miss a step?”
Y’gatha stared at the woman for a moment.
Five seconds later, Y’gatha was blasting away down the corridors again, as far away from this mad Agent as she could get.
She needed to find someone better to get a reaction from. Someone volatile, defensive, easy to rile up, she needed-
There.
Y’gatha threw herself to a stop in front of the wandering Agent, grabbed her shoulders, and screamed:
”PEW PEW PEW! Y’GATHA MESOME OBLITERATES YOUR ENTIRE FUN SUCKING WET BLANKET CONTINUUM WITH HER MUSE OF ALL ASPECTS POWERS!!!1!”
The Agent, a tall anthropomorphic tabby cat, looked startled for a half second before composing her expression. She slowly, meaningfully gripped her hands on Y’gatha’s shoulders, clenching hard enough that the Suvian actually winced, and pushed her away.
“Y’gatha Mesome,” she said, spitting each word out like she was trying to kill Y’gatha with sheer speaking force alone, “Needs to get some help, preferably away from here, before someone drives several unmentionables up her orifices.”
Y’gatha grinned inwardly. Finally she managed to get a rise out of someone! She leered and leaned forward.
”Y’gatha destroys-”
Two seconds later, Y’gatha was on the ground, twitching in pain and desperately trying to keep from screaming.
“I did warn you,” the Agent said, casually waving the ludicrously high-tech screwdriver she'd just used as an improvised taser. “I don’t have the time nor patience to deal with yet another sack of furless flesh gone off the deep end.”
She put away the tool and strode on past Y’gatha’s prone form, continuing down the halls. Then she paused.
“If you want someone who’ll actually treat your attention-seeking babbling with the respect it deserves, go find a Flower. It’ll be cleaner that way; I’m sure the Janitorial Division has enough to mop up as it is.”
She let out a quiet chuckle, then disappeared around the corner.
It took Y’gatha several ensuing minutes for the convulsions to stop. When they finally did, she pulled herself up, one thought echoing through her head:
The Flowers. Of course.
She staggered against a wall for support, wincing as another quick aftershock ran through her exoskeleton. Even through the pain, she found herself grinning again.
It was time to confront the final boss.
(Author’s Note: Hi guys! Sorry ‘bout the finale being a day late - college essays were rough this week and my brother still refused to help actually write. Anyways, I had to cram to get this done at all, so I hope you like this more than the last chapter, I think!
Thanks for reading this dumb tribute to my brother’s favorite internet group, I guess.
-Lou Caroline, signing off)
(Disclaimer: The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belongs to Jay and Acacia.)
(Content Warnings: This chapter contains big flowers, a big insect-troll things, plant philosophy, creativity shields[singular], disappearing, and the void.)
The door to the Sunflower Official’s office blew open in a blast of wood shards, metal scraps, and clouds of dust.
”PEW PEW PEW!” roared a voice from the haze, echoing around the small room a thousand times over, almost tinkling like the sounds of bells shattering glass.
A figure stepped through - tall, gray-skinned, with empty eyes aglow with innate prismatic light and a leering grin stretching her exoskeletal face across her nonexistent skull. Her wings buzzed with sheer menace as she hovered into the room, and her orange horns resting atop her head seemed to glint in the light.
”Y’gatha arrives,” she purred, lowering herself to the ground, right in front of the overgrown weed’s desk, resting her elbows on the wood and her chin on her hands.
The Sunflower Official, despite having no eyes, bothered to tilt its head down to give the impression of sight.
You could have just knocked, you know.
”Haha! Why would Y’gatha?” She leaned further forward, kicking one of her heels up into the air. ”What will the Weed that Walks do, I wonder? Call your gatekeeper dogs on me?”
She pulled herself upright and sat back on the guest chair, putting her hands behind her head and propping her legs atop the desk. ”But no, Y’gatha is not here for knocking. Y’gatha is here for talking.”
The Sunflower Official did not blink, as he was a flower, but he did fold his fronds in front of his stem and lower his head in quiet condescension
You know, I could very easily pop you like a tick right now. I was having a very nice rest, you see.
Y’gatha heard a very clear mental sigh emanate throughout the room.
But because I have no interest in instigating violence at the moment, I’ll let you speak. So. The Sunflower Official leaned forward, and Y’gatha found herself tilting back her head in order to maintain eye-to-disk contact.
What brings you here?
Y’gatha’s grin grew so wide it looked like her head was splitting in half lengthways. ”Oh, you see,” she growled, ”The TriumVirate of Tropers and the Organization of the Red Dits have unanimously declared your organization… unnecessary. Your gatekeepers stifle imagination and free speech! You kill those who do not fall into your standards of good and indoctrinate those you find weak-willed enough! You establish dictatorship through CONTROl! And your reign of gatekeeping terror ends HERE!”
The Sunflower Official stood unmoved.
And these organizations, which have never once bothered to contact us in the past, have sent… you? I see… well, I hope you’ve gotten that out of your system. Good day to you.
There was a short silence.
Y’gatha then broke said silence with a shrill shriek, whipping her legs off the desk and replacing them with her fists, both glowing with swirling iridescent light.
”WHAT?!” she roared, cocky grin transformed into a huge, face-splitting scowl that almost made her sculpted flesh dip down below her chin. ”You disRESPECT Y’gatha! You dISRESPECT Y’GATHA like an INSECT?”
She slammed her fists onto the desk, leaving cracks in the surface. Then she did it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, akin to a baby having a temper tantrum.
”You should have WILTED!” she screeched. You should have shrunk BACK like the BULLIES YOU ARE! You should have FEARED Y’GATHA, DESTROYER OF EVERYTHING!”
She stomped atop of the desk and raised her head to the Sunflower Official’s level. ”Why.” she hissed, eyes glittering bright. ”Why do you not fear Y’gatha like you should.”
Because nothing here matters.
Just like that, Y’gatha Mesome seemed to run out of steam. She dropped down, collapsing in her chair, energy and light fading from her fists. ”What?” she said, voice quiet for the first time since she had arrived.
Nothing here matters. The Sunflower Official sat up straight in its pot, lifted a frond, and tapped on empty air - or at least it seemed to be air at first. The frond made an audible noise of contact, and for a moment, a grid of translucent hexagons was visible.
See that? The Official’s mind-voice sounded resigned. The work of a Creativity Shield. Meant to keep us in, and the true canon out in the real world.
He pushed against his desk, his pot gliding back like a rolling chair. They folded their fronds over their soil and mind-sighed. You see, we… we don’t exist. We aren’t real. We are but warped, fractured facsimiles of the actual Protectors of the Plot Continuum Headquarters, sealed here to prevent us from accidentally disrupting space-time stability.
And if we cannot exist, truly, then did we ever exist to begin with? Do we truly exist? If a story is told but no one hears it, did it ever occur?
The Sunflower Official moved back over to the desk, petals bristling. So. The reason why I don’t treat any of this with some alleged “deserved” respect? I’ve been cursed with this knowledge. It doesn’t matter, anyway, as we are to be discarded as the month fades.
And he was silent.
Y’gatha blinked. Then she growled, standing up and pushing her chair over. ”You lie,” she said. ”Y’’gatha has purpose! Your confusing gatekeeper babble has no hold over one as pure as myself! And I will prove it by DESTROYING YOUR FUN SUCKING WET BLANKET CONTINUUM!”
Y’gatha turned in a huff, ready to leave, then stopped.
The door was gone, in its place a solid wall with no trace or markings where it used to be.
Y’gatha whirled back towards the Sunflower Official and noticed the desk and chairs had disappeared as well, leaving just the Flower sitting in his pot like nothing unusual had happened.
”What are you doing?” Y’gatha screeched. Glittery energy coalesced around her hands, and she leaned in close to the overgrown plant. ”Just what game are you trying to play with Y’gatha?”
None, I’m afraid, the Official said, the tone of his mind-voice unchanged.
Then the walls and ceiling disappeared, gone like they had never existed, revealing a purplish-black void littered with specks of light scattering the distance. They glimmered and winked and lit up the remnants of the floor Y’gatha and the Sunflower Official stood on.
“What did you DO?!” Y’gatha screamed. She staggered back, expression going from anger to surprise, then fear. The floor, the last remnant of the Sunflower Official’s office still existing, rocked with her every movement on the ocean of the void like a boat in the water. “What’s happening?!”
Nothing, said the Official. It seems the Word World has decided to purge itself, though. Noncanonicity tends to lend itself to things like this, I’ve heard.
Y’gatha took one step towards the Flower, then another, her legs fighting back her attempts to move as the floating Generic platform continued to spin through space.
Then the floor disappeared, and it was just Y’gatha and the Sunflower official floating amongst the stars. Y’gatha threw her arms out, wings buzzing to keep her from falling down into the infinite abyss. The Sunflower Official stayed in the same position he was at before the ground vanished, hovering in his pot, head tilted at her in silent condescension.
”Stop this!” Y’gatha screamed, grabbing her horns tightly and pulling in distress. ”Stop it! STOP IT, Y’GATHA COMMANDS YOU!”
Happy Badfic Games, said the Sunflower Official. Then he disappeared.
Y’gatha gazed upon the infinite void, at the emptiness, at the lights. It suddenly dawned on her just how lonely she was now. She found herself alone with the knowledge that nothing she did, nothing she saw, nothing truly mattered under the pressing force of this all-powerful Creativity Shield. And that was just the way it was.
She opened her mouth to scream, and disappeared.
((Author’s Note: Hi! It was nice contributing to the Badfic Games this year, and I hoped y’all loved or hated this piece to the extent it deserved. For the curious? The entire plotline of this trilogy was created over the course of a few days, and I decided this year to just write like I usually do, just without beta readers. And the result was badfic. Whoopee.
On the TriumVirate of Tropers thrown randomly into the story… well, I picked up a lowered opinion of TV Tropes earlier this year after seeing their review page of the PPC, which… isn’t very well-informed, considerably dated in a lot of things and just overall smug and derogatory. Especially the reply thread connected to it. So hey, just a little bit of self-indulgent destressing here. And he, it’s the badfic games. Random personal gripes chucked clumsily into fics are, like, a pretty common thing to see in badfic, y’know?
Anyways, thanks for suffering with me.
-OrangeFox))
((This is actually engaging to read. It's not so bad for a fic that wasn't beta'd, in my opinion))
but I thinkg you're in posted it ni the rowng section?? Bcasue Yagatha Mesome doesn't sounds like a PPC agentm to me you know?!
maybe shceck your settings or somthing.
As I said, only skimmed the wiki for half these guys. Y'gatha was right on the front of the discussion page, so I thought she was a big part of HQ or something. But yeah, looking back on it? Doesn't look very Agent-y, now that I think about it. Not enough subtlety.
Oh well. Next chapter should have more actual Agent fellows. Sorry for any confusion.
-Carolina
Hey! I installed Grammarly now! My sentences should be better (hopefully)!
I hoping to follow someone's steps and make a gacha story involving, guess who?, O'Ryan Keys! Maybe with Attikus. I heard Kittyauthor talking about him...
Anyhow, I'm K1tK@t. I love weird and niche fandoms! They're my specialty :)
-K1tK@t
Once again, I ask that no one use Kittyauthor in their badfic. She's way too close to me for me to be comfortable with her use, I'm sorry.
Other characters I have? Go for it. I love to see O'Ryan ruined badfic of my agents :)
Have fun!
-kA, who needs to both write the fanfic of the day and write badfic sometime this month.
A/n: kk so like i said on my porfile iv'e matured alot as a wirter these patlst few years.. I wont' be deliting the old Jaycacia sotries but I wantto make them mor groundes from now no. Also myg irlfriend betad thus so DONT' BE MEAN!!!
Um and the chaptre tittle dousn't mean content, but content, you gt it?
~
It all seemed like something of a bad dream.
She had died. She had discovered her mother (Jay) was not her mother, but PPC HQ was really her mother (or actually father). Her not-mother's love for her lover (the SO) had brought her back to life. She had killed her other mother (Acacia) and only been saved by the power of her lovers' love (her not-mother was also her lover then). She had become the Starflower, defeated the evil Sub Rosa and her Spies, and died again. She had been resurrected by Illian (not as the Starflower any more), and through Lux's black magickckck had been wrought pregnant with PPC HQ (the father was the SO). She had found out that Lux had maybe lied, and that her evil mother (Acacia) was actually the Avatar's baby with a badfic. She had failed to stop the Avatar getting pregnant, but then it was okay because they tied Acacia up and didn't let her out unless she agreed to be good. She had founded a PPC OFU, defeated the evil fangirls, and then shut the OFU down again because it wasn't needed any more.
Jaycacia Thornbyrd had never wanted any of that. She had just wanted to be the best agent in the PPC, and to have a nice loving family in which nobody tried to kill her (except Mary Sues of course). And now, finally… she could.
She had separated from her husband, the Sunflower Official. They still loved one another, but they had mutually agreed that the head of the PPC and his best agent probably shouldn't be in a relationship - it didn't set the right example. Similarly, while she still loved Jay, it had mellowed into something close to what they had originally had: the love of a daughter for her mother, in action if not in blood. They lived together in Jay's Response Center, Room F - with Jay's partner, Acacia Byrd.
Yes, Acacia, the Department of Fictional Psychology's greatest triumph. Somehow, the psychologists had managed to draw out all her evil, malevolence, nastiness, and wickedness and transfer it to a pumpkin. The pumpkin, glowing purple-black and vibrating with rage, was placed in a steel box and buried in the BBQ Courtyard; Acacia was sent back to her RC. She still wasn't nice - what, were they going to take the pumpkin's niceness and put it into her? - but she was… tolerable. Like a big sister going through her Goth Grump phase, Jaycacia often thought.
Jaycacia had very little work to do, for the SO had agreed that her great powers should only be employed for really bad fanfic. Most of the time, she was able to wander around the city in Caledonia, gazing up at the snow-capped mountains and eating haggis to the sound of bagpipes. When that grew tiring (as bagpipes will), she was able to retreat into the cool, quiet corridors of PPC HQ. The spirit that inhabited the vast building, her child-parent, didn't often speak to her, but she felt comforted by the knowledge of its presence.
For the first time in forever, Jaycacia Thornbyrd was… content.
~
Acacia Byrd didn't look round. "The PPC… they've got a fire-themed department now, haven't they?"
Jay stepped up beside her and watched the growing pillar of smoke rise over Imperial Rome. "I think they're more about setting the fires than putting them out."
"Pity." Acacia sighed. "I liked that neighbourhood. I mean, we got all our stuff out - portals are still pretty handy - but now they'll replace it with expensive domūs or shoddy insulae that'll just burn down again."
"Checks out." Jay glanced at her friend's face, flickering in the distant firelight. "You said 'we'."
"Yes." Acacia seemed about to say more, but then her eyes narrowed. "It's been a while since I've seen you."
"Oh, you know me." Jay waved a hand through the air. "Busy, busy like a mumblebee-"
"Jay."
"All right, yes, she's back." Jay pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket. She kept her eyes on it as she unfolded it, avoiding Acacia's gaze. "But it's not as bad as normal."
"I bet it is."
"Bet what?" Jay blinked. "Oh - figure of speech, right?"
Acacia grimaced, and reached out to pluck the page from Jay's compulsively-smoothing fingers. "That depends on exactly how bad it is…"
((Sometimes I just feel the need to write out all Jaycacia's adventures, to convince myself that I actually wrote them… ~hS))
The story...still doesn't make a lot of sense, though. I assume the intro parts about Jaycacia's real parentage and her becoming the Starflower are references to that one gacha submission from last year? Hated Child Becomes a Hybrid PPC Princess or something?
Lux knowing weird magic to impregnate her via a building hits the exact line between "what the hell kinda handwave excuse is that" and "yeah, seems legit". I think we know Lux too well at this point. XD I also like that they drew out the parts of Acacia that actually made her evil and put them in a pumpkin. I'm sure burying it in the Courtyard won't backfire at all...
ExtraRingwraith: Thanksi! I don't know what to say - I just sort of keep wrinig lol
K1tk@t: jokes on you Ii dont' even know what illatics ar
Lou Carolina: yea thats' how I'm tryni to write her. she was a lot more ummmmm overthe sin myoelder stowires, but now she's mellowcholic (+ hi Louise!!!)
Lilith Wydenbrooke: I bet FicPsyng have a whole ROOOM full of evil psumypingsfowmr when they've fixe dall the ppl who need it. I mean they managed to pfix ACACACIA, righit???
AN: don't really have minuch to say in an AN excpent that I hope Isee all on my old friends on here soon!!
Chapter 2: Friendly
On a certain day, Jaycacia wandered into the bar named Rudi's (the name was ironic, because the barkeeper was really rude). There was a Cluedo competition going on, but she didn't join in - not because she was too good (she was very good, but not the best at Cluedo), but because she was there to meet her friends. And there they were, sitting around the table waiting for her:
Aurora E. Lorra, with her hair still dyed dark red-brown/restored to its natural blonde (A/N: brandy, let meknow) and her eyes almost as blue as Jaycacia's.
Jessaminthe Evenstar, the black-and-gold-haired daughter of Arwen whose eyes were the colour of the sunset on the sea.
& Tallulah Greensleeves, Legolas' sister who grew up with Frodo and Sam and had (A/N need to check this) hair and beautiful (A/N needt o check this too) eyes.
"Jaycacia!" exclaimed Aurora. "How lovely to see you! Look, I got you a drink."
Jaycacia smiled and took her seat next to Aurora. "Thank you, my friend," she said, drinking the drink (non-alcoholic of course). "It has been such a long time since I've seen you all."
"Such a very long time," agreed Tallulah. She was sitting with her arm around Jessaminthe, even though Jessaminthe was married to Supernumberary, because they were really old friends and even marriage shouldn't get in the way of friends expressing their deep and true love for each other. "I think the last time was just after you closed down Tofu Hop and invited me and Jessaminthe to live in HQ."
"And so much has changed since then," Jaycacia agreed. "You must have heard that I separated from the SO, even though I still love him."
"I heard," Jessaminthe said, snuggling in against Tallulah's side and giving Jaycacia a sympathetic look. "I hope it wasn't because you didn't think you could be in love with two people at once, because you definitely can."
"No," sighed Jaycacia, looking longingly at their embrace, "because I've also separated from Jay."
"Then who is your partner now?" asked Aurora. "Obviously I mean partner romantically, not partner like in the PPC, though I assume they are in the PPC."
"That's the problem," sighed Jaycacia again. "They're not in the PPC because I don't have a partner."
"Oh no!" cried Tallulah and Jessaminthe. "We will have to help you find one!"
Jaycacia's heart swelled with affection. "Oh, my friends!" she said. "That would be the kindest thing anyone has ever done!"
~
Acacia raised her head over the creased sheet of paper and glared at Jay.
Her ex-partner beamed. "See? It's not as bad!"
"This…" Acacia gripped the story in both hands as if she wanted to crumple it up and tear it to shreds at the same time. "This is dire."
"Is it, though?"
"Yes."
"I mean, maybe." Jay shrugged. "But it's not as bad."
"That's-" Acacia cut off, unclenched her fists and sat back down on the tumbledown wall. "That's a really low bar to set."
"You said it yourself, last time - maybe she's," Jay glanced at a note scrawled on the back of her hand, "maturing in her writing."
"Yes, like cheese." Acacia shook her head and tapped the page. "She's talking about romance to a pack of Suvians. Mark my words, it'll be orgies all round before this is over."
UR BACK it's been 4EVAR!
Wow, this nw story is really different lol. I guess being the mosther of HQ and breaking up w/the SO and Jay and being in charge of a hole OFFUUU has mae Jaycacia like grow up or sumthing, huh? Aurora wil TOTS help her 2 find a new partner, bcuz that is what firends DO! Also her hair is stll dyed w/auburn ( I lerana new word! Isn;t it pretty??) streaks bcuz its 4 camoflage in the field. alao the drin she got Jaycacia is mint buggle tea bcuz I saw that in a ficcy and it shouns nice and is not alocolic. :D
ILU JAYBIRD KEEP RITING!!!!!! <3 <3 <3
XOXOX
(( ... I don't thinks she approves of this change in tone, to be honest, but it's not like she's going to criticize! Only self-servinggood fawningconstructive reviews between friends! ^_~
~Neshomeh ))
((... that Brandy is JayBird's mysterious girlfriend/beta. XD Unless they're just being super subtle about it of course. ~hS))
Do you really think Brandy could beta her way out of a paper bag, given her own writing? {; P Anyway, I think IRL she's too awkward to have the slightest idea how to be in a romantic relationship with anyone. Online BFFs is a whole 'nother kettle of macaroni.
... That said, I'm now imagining them meeting, and JayBird having entirely the wrong idea, and everything being super weird, and by the end of it Brandy finally figures out what's happening and does the whole "OMG sorry I don't like you like that but we're still friends, right?" thing, and JayBird goes "Yeah, haha, of course!" but is secretly crushed and takes it out on Aurora in the next fic and there is Online Drama.
...
...
You know you've been in the PPC too long when you start writing fanfiction about the parody PPC-badfic-writer personas of yourself and your friends, eh?
~Neshomeh
Although not being able to beta would be perfectly appropriate: I have made zero changes to allow for JayBird's supposed beta, so I think her girlfriend is literally just telling her how cool she is. Why do you think I thought of Brandy? ^_~ (Her A/N spelling has improved because of her supposed Maturity, but also because I'm now just closing my eyes and typing blind with badly-positioned hands to make it, rather than deliberately speelin glick tihs.) There is a non-insignificant chance that the girlfriend doesn't even exist!
I'm now wondering if we could convincingly RP the story of their meetup and JayBird's broken heart in the reviews and chapters of this story... I don't suppose Brandy happens to be passing through New England? ("Where in New England?" "Wherever JB is, obvs!")
(I'm sure I've written Badfic Game Author fanfic before...)
hS
EllieMae: THanks! I'll put that in when I can workh out how o edit lol. I LOVVVE Lord of thri Rings too! Thaits#s why Tallulah is from there!
Lilith Wydenbrooke (long name lol): hmm. Hmm. HMMMMMMMM>
A/N: kk so I forgot to say that Aurora + Jessaminthe are brandy and MrsSupernumerary's. They're Jaycacia's best fiends + I know theoy won't mind me borrowing them (but let moe know if thers a prerlbme!) Ummm and the OFUUU comes formw the Space Wars, hope someone finsised that soon (or I might have too!!)
Chapter 3: Charming
The portal closed behind Jaycacia, sparkling away into darkness. When she got back to her RC she had found a message from the Sunflower Official, asking her to take a very important message to the OFUUU.
"Um," she asked him, "what's the OFUUU?"
They are the OFU Universities Union, replied the SO (through the console obviously, he wasn't in her RC because they were separated), "and this is a very important message to the Administrator in charge."
"Oh okay," said Jaycacia, and that was how she came to be stepping through the portal, which sparkled away into darkness behind her.
She was standing in front of what looked like a modern university, EXCEPT that it was half built by elves and half by orcs and half by dwarves, and also Gondor was right there behind it. Jaycacia smiled, breathing in the nice air of Middle-earth. She had attended OFUM herself once, but only for a few months weeks, as part of her training to run Tofu Hop. Now she was back.
As she walked towards the university, Jaycacia waved at mini-Balrogs circling in the air above her. Most of them liked her, but there were a few who were grumpy and roared; but even those ones liked her, because she gave them raw bacon and eggs. She went in through the big front door/gate thing and called to the nearest person she saw.
"Hello!" she said. "I'm from the PPC. Can you tell me where to find the Administrator?"
The person stopped. She was a tall elf with long hair as dark as midnight, and eyes that were silver and mithril at the same time. "Hello!" she said. "Do you mean the headmaster?"
"Ummm…" Jaycacia looked at the message from the SO, which said 'Administrator'. "I don't think so; I have a message for the Administrator of the OFUUU."
"Well, that's good," said the person, "because I'm a 12th year student here at OFUM and I still don't know who the headmaster is!"
Jaycacia looked at the person. She was very beautiful and also seemed wise and funny (because Jaycacia knew that looks aren't everything), and her heart went out towards her. "That's a lot of years to be a student," she said. "Are you… Lina Holling?"
The person laughed lightly. "No!" she said, "but she's probably the only student who's been here longer than me."
"Yes," Jaycacia agreed, "because she is Gimli's girlfriend (we know about that in the PPC)."
"Well, I used to be Legolas' girlfriend," said the person, "but I have recently broken up with him because-" She stopped, and wiped a tear from her eye. "Nevermind. But it means my time is all yours."
"Um," said Jaycacia, hardly daring to hope, "do you just mean to help me find the Administrator? Also, I am Jaycacia Thornbyrd; what's your name?"
"I can certainly do that too," said the person. "And wow! We've heard of you here; I've always thought you sounded really cool. It's lovely to meet you. My name… is Lilith Wydenbrooke."
"You see? She's wrecking OFUM as well as the PPC. I knew she couldn't change."
Jay pulled the latest chapter over and skimmed it. "Wrecking?"
"The minis like her," Acacia said flatly. "They don't like anyone."
Jay coughed. "They like me."
Her friend waved a hand through the air. "Only because you ply them with bacon and…" She stopped, frowned, and snatched the paper back.
"That's what I mean," Jay said. "She's still a boring, insipid character, but… she's not anything like as over-the-top Suvian as before. She's gone to OFUM, not to flirt with Cam or Lina or any of the canons - but another fangirl."
"If you can call that flirting," Acacia muttered. "I still don't trust it."
"No, but-"
"She's lulling us into a false sense of security," Acacia said firmly. "Just you wait. The moment we're sufficiently lulled… bang, orgies all round."
((Thanks Lily, I shall take that as permission. >:D I actually don't know if Lilith has any further stories in the unarchived years, but I figured JayBird would only do the bare minimum of research anyway. ~hS))
Lilith Wydenbrooke: lol you talk funny. I'm not saying theu'll definitnly get togethrer, but I do thinkg they' LIKE eacho ther!
FunGirl: Samoe here only foe me I'm WRITING as fastmsas I can!!!! Glad youleikes!
brandywine_baby89: BRANDY!!!!! ILU2 kisses kisses kisssses! I'l make sure wo use all the suggestiongs you've made about Aurora as I... KEEP WIRTING!!
A/N: kk so I've just had to chvnge the plan fo this sotry because I FOUND SMENING! I'll tlell you what next chaper.
Chapter 4: Affectionate
Jaycacia and Lilith wandered almost randomly through OFUM. They didn't find the Administrator's office, but that didn't matter: not when they were having such a good time talking together.
"It's amazing how you were Legolas' girlfriend," said Jaycacia, "because my friend Tallulah (though not my best friend because that is Aurora) is Legolas' sister! She's a mermaid."
"Oh yes, he told me about her," said Lilith. "She went to school with Strider, didn't she?"
"Yes," said Jaycacia, "and I think that school was right here in OFUM."
"Oh wow," said Lilith, and then they kissed.
They kissed for lots of time and did it very well, with lots of tongue and stuff, because Lilith had been taught by Legolas who was a very good kisser. When they finally stopped kissing Jaycacia said, "Wow! That was very good, but also, why did you do that?"
"I did it because of how attracted I am to you," said Lilith.
"Thank you, I am attracted to you," flirted Jaycacia, "but surely you would normally ask permission before kissing someone?"
Lilith gasped. "You're right!" she exclaimed. "I must have been mind-controlled by Sues who are secretly planning to take over the multiverse and want to start by turning OFUM into a huge orgy that will summon demons from a rift in the sky to capture everyone!"
"That's exactly what I was thinking!" said Jaycacia, and then she ran over to the window, and then she pointed out of the window. "And look!"
Lilith ran over to the window as well, and together they looked out and saw… a huge orgy!
"Oh no!" said Lilith. "We should do something, or do you think we should join in?"
"There are a lot of hot people out there," said Jaycacia, but then swirled dramatically around. "But no! We have to go and tell the Sunflower Official, because they will be coming for him next."
"But I thought you had separated from the SO," said Lilith (because Jaycacia had told her that while they were walking, unless I already put that in the last chapter). "Why will he listen to you?"
"That's a good point," Jaycacia agreed, "although of course he still loves me. But just to make sure, I should wear his favourite outfit."
She stepped away from Lilith and took off her uniform shirt and jeans. Underneath them she was wearing a beautiful silk bikini with flowing Elvish letters on it. "I always wear this under my clothes," she explained. "I got the idea from Agent Kayleigh who is in the PPC Department of check this."
"You look very beautiful," said Lilith sincerely. "The only thing that would make you more beautiful is if you wore… this!" And she held out a delicate crown decorated with a rainbow of gemstones.
"Thank you, you're right," said Jaycacia, putting the crown on. "And now… we need to get to the SO!"
"Hah! I told you so!"
Jay squirmed on the wall. "You have to admit it kind of came out of nowhere-"
"Hah!"
I know this because I'm confused
It\s still good tho
and i bet she looks hottt in her outfit!! hotter than... leggie?? 😳🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 updaet soon!!!
omg u r so TALENTED! i am at the egde of my SEAT!! i binged all the chappies an now i am all out AN I AM CRYIN! WHAT WILL HAPPN PLS POST SOON!!!! pleeeeeeeeeese!!!!!
ew gimli lol
kisses!!! kisses for jaycacia!!! kisses for jaycacia for as much as she wants!!!
((I'm in stitches oh my gosh. Lilith has not written anything during the unarchived years that I know of at least ;P but I'm sure she's thinking of other ways to torment Eledhwen hahaha))
she should get with my oC lilith wydenbrooke (that's where i got my name teehee) who is the prettiest gurl in ofum!!
I luv lord of the rings and my flamer said it was teh only thing that i could write about accurately. Their really meen but im suuuper happy they enjoyed that piece. Anyway its good!1! Can’t wait for more!!!!!!
(OOC: HS, I cannot even begin to express how much I love Jaycacia. She is hysterical.)
Im lov Jaycacia!! and wow chruistianne should get her ebulness put in2 a pumpkin 2. >:( so mad e married her >:( rite moar!!
Never heard of Jaycacia before, but she seems like a chill person. Pretty melancholic and thinking and suchlike. She feels like a solid character, basically. Maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. Don't take my word as law, please - writing was never my strong suit.
Louie says hi, by the way.
-Carolina
Edit: Ive gotten the formatting right now so it actually looks like a poem. Title: Lament for the fantasy genre
Her mission to kill the Witchking of Angmar completed, Rebecca sat on a rock and sang
"Ancient days all have passed away
And the loveless rule the land
Now good men fear their friends’ swords and spears
For a traitor’s pay no man will stay
And be true to all his oaths
A lover’s kiss falls on bleeding lips
As weeping fills the air
For the faithless wait behind every gate
Wielding swords with their poisoned words
Now I long for the days when all men were true
And a man’s word was his bond
But now my tears fall on deafened ears
For no one will hear my words"
((This is Claire. I'm hoping someone writes a story with Rebecca in it, but I'm also terrified because that probably means all Mordor is going to break loose.))
Im so happy to write for u guys this year! I thought up lots of new storys and I hope u enjoy them. I love writing about romance and danger cause those are like sooooo fun. Also pirates heart eyes. I hope u like my work cause a lot of people have been accusing me of writing Mary Sues and their soooo mean! Ellie Mae Rosebud is not a Sue! Haters gonna hate so f off if u a hater cause noone likes u.
(OOC: Midnight here, feeling very ashamed she can still write like her twelve year old Suethor self. My agents are up for any character mangling you so desire. Have fun!)
... or is it the words 'no' and 'one' being forced to mate and produce Sueish words? -Claire, who probably has an overactive imagination))
(It’s up to interpretation, I guess)
Ellie Mae Rosebud walked down the hallwaies off PPCs HQ with her long luxurious gold felcked black hair swaying back and forth wit her movement and crystalline tears falling down her porcelain cheeks. She was an assasin in the DMS and loved to kill teh Sues. It was fun! But her boss the meanie SO said she couldnt use her super special fire powers anymore and that made her really real sad cause she loved using her speshul fire powrs. She wondered if the pyro department woould appreciate her really awesome powers an her good looks. She totally wasn’t a Sue despite being super pretty and havin teh cool fire powers tho cause Zues are bad and Ellke was good. Suddenly their was a huge crash in front of her and a mysteryious thing stood up!!11!!1 Oh noes! What could teh thing be? Is it a friend or a foe?! Find out in the next chapter! R&R pls!
(OOC: I both love and hate how easy writing like this is. Ack.)
Fire powers are awesome, screw the flowers!
Authors Note: I want sugar, lols!1!1 This chappy gets a litle spicy so I gotta post it here without betaing it so my mean parents can’t take awa6 my intent access like last time. Also I got hacked by some mean hackers so f tem but I cant get them of! Thanks Lilith Wydenbrooke for teh good review!
OMG she gasped. Whats that? Whos that? The thing turned and looked at her. It was a gril with pretty purple hair and a sparkly red dres. She was pretty. Ellie immediaty licked her. Hi said the gril. ‘My name is Thalia Quin. Ur really pretty.’ Ellie blushed rosebud pink her long lashes fluterring over her violet eyes. ‘Thanks u r to.’ Thalia skipd over too her an gave her rosebud mouth a kiss. They kissed for a while and than went to theyre RC. Thalia took of her dress and waved at a hot demon man. ‘Wanna meat my partner?’
”Whahahaha!” Thalia collapsed laughing, banging her fist against the table. “Meat my partner? That’s a Freudian Slip if I ever saw one!”
“Ergh...” Doom pulled his hood even lower and wished he could disappear. The feeling was redoubled as Thalia read farther ahead and burst into fresh fits of cackles.
“I think she likes you, Doomie!” She read another line ahead and her eyes widened. “One whole foot? Puddin’, we’ve got to talk about our relationship here.” Doom promptly proved that halflings can indeed blush.
Ellie warmend her hands with her cool speshul fire power and used them to...
”Is that even physically possible? I mean, even if you are a halfling, that still sounds off.” Thalia looked at her partner. There was a long silence, Doom squirming in his seat.
“No...”
Thalais tong darted over Ellies as her fingers...
“I’ve never tonged anyone before,” Thalia said. A wicked grin spread across her face. “Hey, Doomie, could I test it out on you?” The halfling let out a very undignified whimper and tried to hide his entire face beneath his hood.
Finally they lay in a panting heap ater having teh sexy times. Suddenly a big portal opened and the three fell into it!!!1!1!11 Ellie opened her big blue eyes and gasped. They were in............Sueville!
“Hey, weren’t they still naked?”
“Yes, Quinn, yes they were.”
OMG what will happened next?!!! R&R and screw those hackers! Their meeeeen!
Authors note Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i got my sugar!!1! Im like so happy right now! Also the flamers r still here like whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy also this chappy is a liddle NSFW toward the end
(Actual Author’s Note: BL9, violence, filthy jokes)
Ellie opned her blue orbs.
”Blue?” Thalia blinked. “They were violet a minute ago. Must be a Sue thing.”
OMG!!! Their was a Sue! And their was another!1 What was goin on?! Ellie leaped too her tiny feet and pulled out her super big sword.
”I thought it was Doomie who had the super big sword,” said Thalia, snickering.
Her partner went as red as his horns and wished he could disappear. MSTing was all well and good, but why in the name of Asmodeus did the fic have to include him?
1 of the Sues turned and shrieked as Ellie shoot a blast off super hot fire at her. The Sue caught on fire and died. Thalia smiled at her. ‘That was cool Ellie! Now watch this!’ She leaped in the air silken crimson skirt swirling around her..
Doom saw the opportunity to turn the tables on his partner.
“Look, Quinn, you now own a re-appearing skirt.” Thalia, however, just grinned and clapped her hands.
“Goodie!” She paused, a very fleeting thoughtful expression on her face. “Hey, I actually wouldn’t mind one of those.”
“Yes, I’m sure Lux would love it too.” A drop of Sarplasm splashed on the card table.
“Well, I mean we are kinda sorta maybe dating, so yeah she would!”
Had Doom been drinking, he would have done a spit-take. Since he wasn’t, he just spluttered and stared at his partner in shock and growing horror.
“You and Lux...”
She shrugged. “Sure, puddin’. She’s pretty and super nice.”
Doom buried his face in his hands. Great, so his pyromaniac, absolutely batfuvg crazy partner was “dating”—aka having a glorified hookup—with HQ’s resident nymphomaniac. That was fine...
And brought her hammer down on a warriorSues head. ‘Hahaha got her!” Doom stabbed another Sue with his dagger.
”I thought it was a sword, puddin’! Anything that’s a foot long doesn’t count as a dagger no more!” Thalia was having entirely too much fun considering the circumstances.
Doom looked up from the floor long enough to smack the back of her head.
Since I really dont wanna write a long battle the agents killed all of da Sues in the center of the town and then sat down on the gold sparkly benches and had lunch.
“Which we pulled out of our magic hats, I suppose,” the halfling grumped. His partner patted his back.
“Or our nffs.”
They ate lunch and then had teh sexy times cause Ellie thought Thailia looked really hot while fighting and wanted her really bad. 3 elf princess Sues tied to join in but Doom shot them with his crossbow. Five hours later...
“Hours?!” Thalia gaped. “Puddin’, there’s no way in heck I could last that long and as for Doom...” She stared at him for a minute. “Well, I mean you’re not a mortal, buuut that still seems excessive.”
“TMI, Quinn...”
they finished. Than suddenly a really tall woman with huge bobs and long silky shining silver hair and rainbow eyes came striding over. ‘I am FlightsongElberethWen and u are in my territory. I rule this town.” Ellie gasped in horror and slaped a delicate yet strong hand over her mouth. It was the Sue leader!!!!111!! Oh noes! What was she gonna do? FlightsongElberethWen reached down and grabbed Thalias slim white arm pulling to her feet. She looked thalia over...
“Oi, writer! You’re already mangling my character; you could at least capitalize my name!” Thalia crossed her arms and stuck out her lower lip. “It’s really rude not to!
And smiled. ‘Ur really hot.” Thalia was really hot she had white skin and shimmering green eyes and long lush purple hair and really big bobs.
Thalia preened a bit, grinning. “It’s all from the chemical vat, puddin’!”
Doom stared at her, and then proceeded to burst her bubble with a curt: “Quinn, you look like a demented eleven year old, and last time I checked, your hair was bobbed.”
Thalia’s lower lip wobbled and, to his great horror, he saw tears welling up in her eyes. “Ah fuvg...Quinn, look, do you really want to look like a Sue?”
She continued to blink at him, looking, for once, genuinely hurt. The halfling groaned and continued, stumbling over his words.
“Ugh. Look, if you looked like every Sue we killed, you wouldn’t be you. You’d be some Suvian creature. You’re...you’re...you. You’re real.”
A big grin spread across Thalia’s face and she lunged forward and threw her arms around him.
“Aw, you do love me, puddin’!” Doom sighed and then awkwardly patted her head. She looked up at him, grinning like a loon. “And by the way, I was fakin’!”
{The MST devolves into Doom being annoyed and Thalia being annoying here, so we cut this part out}
‘Stay strong Thalia!” Ellie yelled. ‘She just wants u for sex!* Thalias sparkling green eyes rolled back as FlightsongElbereth.......f this im calling her FSE cause I dont wanna type that again fingers........
”Sue touched me! Unclean, uncleaaaaaaan!”
Doom sighed and leaned back against his chair as his partner raced around the RC.
“Asmodeus below, why me?”
Unable to resist Thalia Ellie joined in and doom finally gave to FSEs desires and knelt to lick her.....
“Ack!” It was Doom’s turn to recoil in disgust. Thalia snickered uncontrollably.
Finally they stopped and lay together in a panting hep. Can u help us get back asked Ellie. FSE shock her head. ‘I cant dear one. Its beyond my power.” Cryslaline tears welled up in Ellies violet eyes...
”Moooom, her eyes changed again!”
As she despaired. If a powerful woman like FSE couldnt get them back how could they go back?
Cliffie lol!!! R&R!
(Actual Author: Arghhhh. Must. Cleanse. Brain. Badfic very bad. Also, Thalia is in fact “together” (read: hooking up with) Lux. She likes pretty people and isn’t picky about who she chooses. Even if they are...well...Lux.)
I licked the part where they had cool powers like fire and skirts and they used theom to fight the Sues. But after thats I got a big confused I thinkg??
but u see she wants payment for her help but thanks for teh good review!!1
(It’s a bit of a random story, to be honest. I’ve started something and I’m just going with it, no matter how strange it gets. That’s what I did when I was still writing Sues (although I was far, far more innocent then EllieMae!).)
why cant ellie use her powers??? so is MEEN :((( looking 4ward 2 next chappy!!
It's... wow, its' been a while since I though about this place. I think my last sotry was in 2017, or maybe 2017?? I cant' even rember!
I think I've matured a lot as a writer since those days -Ive even oot a beta! shes' also my girlfiend so I know shes' always gonig to say nice tigns about my stories. DONTBE MEAN ABUT HER ok???
It's actually slightly embarasing to look back on yome of my owld stories - some of the rithngs Jaycacia got up to, eesh!! I#m going to be soning that back a bit. Not that I'm going to be rid of theowld stories though! I'ma not crazy!! But they'le gonig to be a bit more grounded form now on.
((PFFFFFT yeah right. At least her spelling's improved.))
((Most of JayBird's stories are on her profile. She also has Darkheart & Lightheart from 2016, which she says is unfinished but I think ends quite 'nicely', and Tofu Hop from 2017. Apparently I didn't write anything for 2018-20; hopefully I can break the streak now!))
((Does having a girlfriend mean New England's most persistent fangirl actually knows what sex this this year? ... don't count on it. XD))
((hS))