((No, no it cannot.))

((Warning for gore, although all such instances have been spoilered.))

A/N: You are Sir Kit.

You are a member of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (henceforth known as the PPC). You work as an assassin and have been resting before the console beeps again.

[BEEEEEEEP!]

You growl and get out of bed, slapping the accept button and reading the summary to the badfic.

"The plot thickens." You mutter to yourself. "So much for this being a good night..."

You say "Hey, mate! We got another mission! It's a bad one!"

You wake up your partner, Alicia.

You enter the code for contacting her and you watch as she wakes up. Her eyes flicker open and she smiles when she sees who is calling.

"Glorious leader! What can I do for you?"

You say "We gotta a mission. And don't call me that."

Alicia rolls her eyes. "But Glorious Leader, we have uncovered evidence that the enemy has made a major attack. We need to go and support our brethren!"

You sigh. Alicia is always like this. You don't even know how the Flowers haven't declared her officially flamethrower mad. Then again, everyone is mad here.

You drag her to the Bag of Holding. "Pack up the stuff we need. I'll program the coordinates into the console."

"But, what about your side project?" She says, frowning.

"It can wait," You reply. "I'm the Great Lich Lord. I cannot be denied." You pat your chest proudly.

You figured it would shut her up for two seconds.

You program the coordinates into the portal maker thingy.

"What's your Hogwarts house?" you ask.

"Gryffindour," She replies.

"Good. Pick up the bag, then come over here."

You watch as she walks over. "Harry Potter, o' Glorious Leader?" she asks.

"No, Twilight," you respond. "Yes, Harry Potter! Now, come on Alicia, let's go defeat another Sue." You both walk through the portal.

You and Alicia have been turned from an elf and robot respectfully to two generic Hogwarts students. She is a Gryffindour; you are a Ravenclaw. The others are a boy and a girl from Hufflepuff and Slytherin respectively. The two from the top schools get killed almost immediately.

"Dang Sue," you growl. "Where's the bag? I need to start charging her."

"I brought it over here, why?"

You look over to her; she's frowning at you. "What?"

"You're acting really weird, and weird is scary."

"You're mad, I can be as 'really weird' as I want," you say. You dig through the Bag of Holding for your charge list and a pencil. While you write down charges, Alicia reads ahead in the Words.

"Why is the Sue a vampire?" Alicia asks.

"To be speshul," you reply. You put away the charge list and continue to watch the story unfold in front of you.

Alicia begins to laugh, and you look at her. "What?"

"I'm not a vampire!" She says, laughing. She attempts to strike a pose, but falls over instead.

"We know this. Shhh!" you say. You put your hand over the robot's mouth.

The Sue, in her indefinite wisdom, decided to come out as the murderer of the two students in the top houses (Slytherin and Gryffindour respectfully), but, instead of punishment, Dumbledore gives her a lolly.

Alicia removes your hand from in front of her mouth.

"Well, Glorious Leader," Alicia says, "that... does he even know what lollies are?"

"She got a lolly. It's apparently a death sentence." said a Generic.

"But she killed the students in the top houses! She's clearly evil!" said another.

"So, Dumbledore wants to poison her with a... why the heck did the Flowers send us on this mission?" you ask. You both watch as the Sue dies, only to wake back up and declare herself immortal "from teh pson."

"He gave you poison, stupid," you say. You grab the charge list back out. "Charge for making DD OOC as shpx, for surviving poison when they can only survive pson... anything else you wanna add, Alicia?"

"No, why do we have to be on this mission?"

You close the notebook. "I'll... I'll ask the right questions later, okay? Besides, I already asked that."

Then, a scene shift happens.

"Glorious Leader!" Alicia screams. Thankfully, it is into the wall she face planted onto (into?). Meanwhile, you have a floor burn from skidding across the Generic Hallway Floor in... a generic hallway in Hogwarts. Great.

"Alicia, where were we?" you ask.

"The Sue came out as the murderer!"

"Yeah, and?"

"And I remembered that!"

You say "What, did you think we had a worse memory than we do?"

She sighs, and turns around, only to fall off the wall she was stuck on. "Ow!"

"That's what you get for turning around when you're stuck on a wall," you tease. "Oh, hey, look! Snape is part of Evil!Dumbledore's clan thingy! A rare charge!" You write down the charge.

The scene shifts again. Now, you are in a forest.

"Alicia, you can get out of the tree now."

"I'm trying my best, Sir Kit!"

"Try harder," you yell back. You notice Dumbledore and... Ron?! throwing the bodies into the water so that "teh Sue cannot feed off of them."

You want to destroy your charge list. "OH COME ON!"

"I'M TRYING, GLORIOUS LEADER!" Alicia yelled. Dumbledore looks her way, and you glare at her to shut up.

Thankfully, he goes back to his task of talking to Ron. "So, Rookwood, how's your family doing?

You say "What the-"

"Since when was Ron named Rookwood?" You exclaim. Alicia shrugs. "I don't know. But this scenario is a little strange, don't you think?"

"Yeah, strange enough for a change in charge," you say, fixing the Ron OOC charge to Ron replaced.

"So, Gl-"

You interrupt her. "If you're gonna call me anything leaderish, call me liege and not a very long title, please!"

"But I-"

"No! You call me ruler or liege if you must, but never leader again!"

She nods. "Glorious ruler and liege."

You sigh.

"No," you say, but you give up. There is no way Alicia will give up this battle.

You sigh and begin to put away your things. However, yet another scene shift happens, slamming you (and your CAD, DORKS, charge list) all into the wall. No one notices, luckily. You lay on the floor, recovering, trying to get your bearings. A small voice says, "I'm bored."

You look around and see that you're back in the Generic Room.

"Lovely," you say. "This badfic is making absolutely no sense whatsoever."

Alicia looks down at you. "You okay?" she asks. "Need to go to Medical?"

"No," you say. You get up. You don't really know where to go from here. "I'm fine."

The Sue is teaching herself the Dark Arts and misspelling all the spells, so of course, instead of the spider dying or being controlled, it gets turned into a small, helpless baby spider.

"A baby spider?" you ask. "Aren't they smaller?"

Alicia shrugs.

You read the Words. "The Sue doesn't know half of the effects! She just said 'I dd the speel to turn the spooder into a babi!' Like that is even Dark Arts!"

The Sue hears you screaming your head off. "I know! I know! But it's English, not Dark Arts! And I thought it would be funny."

"Well, it isn't," you say.

You hear a giggle.

"Alicia, stop laughing," you say.

"Also, how the-" The Sue was cut off by you slamming her into the wall.

"Alicia, charge list!"

"But, the Flowers-"

"Charge list!"

Panting, she gives you the charge list.

You sigh and, wiping your forehead, look at the list. "Mary Sue with no name for some reason, you are being charged with: Being a Mary Sue, Unnecessary murder and drama at the beginning of the story, for surviving poison when you can only survive pson, making Dumbledore OOC, causing Dumbledore to have a clan, causing Snape to be a part of said clan, replacing Ron, being a vampire, causing scene shifts, annoying the agents, changing Ron's name to something ridiculous, being a wizard murderer and not getting jail time, and causing me more anger at my partner than normal. Any last words?" You get your knife out and hold it to her neck.

She looks at you, panicked. "I'm sorry!" she says.

Gore

She goes quiet.

You stab her in the neck. She dies. You portal the body into Dishonored, where no one would be surprised to see it.

"That's it for this story," you say.

"Ron replacement, Glorious Le-, er, liege and ruler?" Alicia asks.

"Right, let's go."

You portal to the Ron replacement.

Gore Again

You put away your knife and leave the room.

"Gosh dang it, Sir Kit! The Flowers!" Alicia said. "The FLOWERS!"

"Shpx the Flowers right now," you say. You open a portal back to the RC.

"You shouldn't have done that!" the agent says nervously. "It's going to get you in trouble!"

...

The console goes blip. The Sunflower requests you in his office.

FIN.

((In case you don't know what AI Dungeon is, it's an AI-run RPG where you input a command beginning with "you" and it creates the environment. I had to modify some of this to make it coherent, but it's still (laughably) bad. Also, either character present (especially Sir Kit, that elf is now my badfic character lol) can be used elsewhere. If you would like the custom world code whatever, I can send it to you through Discord. I don't recall my user but I'm on the PPC Discord, the one user with an Ace flag as my profile picture.))

A/N: oh wow this still exists?? cringe tbh. to think i used to like this place lmfao. anyway here's wonderwall my new and last ppc mission

So I was flying with my girlfriend Lilith on our way to blow up Hogwarts Castle for fun. We were using our wings this time (the Tardis joyrides were getting boring), I had dragon wings and she had six angel wings. I looked at her purple eyes and went “I’m so glad I ran away with you from the PPC instead of killing you all those years ago because I saw you weren’t that bad and also you were beautiful and then you accepted me as a girl because the PPC is actually transphobic”, and she went “Thanks”, and I went “Oh actually now that I think about it it’s been exactly seven years hasn’t it”, and she went “Oh no”, and I went “What?”, and she went “Don’t mention it, something bad might ha-” and then I heard a portal open behind us and something grabbed me and everything went black.

*************

I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed with IVs stuck in my arm. The nurse said “Hello, how are you doing?”, and I replied “What happened?”, and she said “You were kidnapped by a Mary Sue seven years ago, and we finally tracked her back and rescued you.” I tried metalbending my shackles off, and it didn’t work, so I asked “Where are my powers?”, and she replied “We’ve been removing the glitter from you and your icky Suvian powers are gone, you must still be confused by everything that happened, don’t worry everything will be fine, also this also applies to shapeshifting powers so you’re a guy again now.” I yelled “No!”, and then I asked “What happened to Lilith?”, and she said “Oh, they killed her, you’re welcome”, and so I screamed and cried and they sedated me again.

*************

Over the next six months I made a full recovery and went back to being a perfectly respectable PPC agent, or so they thought. Secretly, instead of killing the Sues I was sent to kill, I portaled them to a safe place and started building an army. One of them hacked my glitter monitor so it wouldn’t work anymore, and so I started building up power again. Then on one fateful day I requested an audience with all the Flowers. “Why are we all here?”, asked the Sunflower Official. “You are all here to DIE!”, I said, and pressed a button on my portal thing, and all the Sues came out of the portal and killed all the Flowers. Lilith was resurrected because it turned out the Flowers were Suefluencing everything all along. I picked up the PA system’s microphone and went “The PPC is officially disbanded because I killed all your bosses, you can do whatever you want, have fun!” Then everyone was finally free to live as they want instead of caring about other people’s fanfiction, and I kissed my gf. All was well. The end.

((I actually have a less bad version of the general idea planned for, uh, eventually. Not in my actual spinoff, just noncanonical AU fun. -owo))

A/N: This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands for researching random PPC stuff. A Plort fic.

There is generally a war going on somewhere in Plort. There was a war going on now, in fact. The Marizu were invading, and somehow they ambushed Neshomeh and imprisoned her in Kwotef. Baron Huinesoron held a council to determine how to rescue her. Few of the people of Plort had ever been inside the high walls surrounding it, and it was a dangerous place full of the legions of the Marizu. Various strategies and plans were discussed, but no conclusion was reached. The council adjourned and Huinesoron went to his office to think. A few minutes later, he heard someone knocking on the door.

((I love medieval stuff, and I'm hoping to get a coat of arms and hopefully participate in a Plort RP if anyone still does that. -Claire))

Hey ppl, it’sa me! I write random stuff, so you don’t know what to expect!

Title: Hostile takeover

Pairing: none

Summary: Three agents were just minding their own business when agents try to steal their RC. Will they succeed?

((Content Warning:

Two characters have names that may be considered BL2. There is also a BL2 moment

One of the characters’ descriptions may be considered mildly NSFB/NSFW))

Chapter 1

It was a good day in the RC.

“is a good day today.” said Chelsea.

“It is indeedy.” said Lemon.

Chelsea had decided she grew tired of being the perfect hjacker goddess, so she decided to be the embodiment of sloth, one of the seven deadly sans.

“sigh, I miss my shadow clones” mussed Lemon. “They were very convenient in cleaning the house.”

“Dude, just get new ones.”

“I can’t, I missed the deadline to renew my shadow clone liscence.”

“There’s a licence?” Chelsea stared wide-eyed. “Wow”

Chelsea, doing what she does best, stares at a wall. “You know what I think?”

“What,” asked the rat, looking for something to do.

“You ought to have a name change.”

Lemon crossed her arms. “No.”

“Cmon, it’s only two letters swtched around!” Chelsea did jazz hands. “Your name could’ve been Melon!”

“Well,” said Lemon thinkingly, “it would be interesting.”

Then there was a couple of knocks on the door. “Helllllllo?”

“Ah, that must be May Ruse,” said Chelsea. Chelsea squided to the door and opened it to find it was indeed May Ruse. Also there was a rat who looked just like Lemon except she was green and had melons on her.

May spoke “sup gaiiiiiizzzzz”

“Stop that.” Lemon said.

May fromned. “You’re no fun. btw, I think this is your cousin.”

“I have no such cousin.”

The green lemon stuck her tongue out. “Your’s a meanie. Telling me LIEEEEEEEEES---”

BONK

The lemon bonked the green rat’s head. “You stop that too.”

“HUMBPNP” The green rat humphed.

“Who are you.”

“I am Melon, your second cousin thrice removed”

Lemon did a big sigh.

“Duede, isn’t this like, a family reunion and stuff?” asked Chelsea.

And then the four girls chatted about stuff.

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” sated Lemon.

“Foin.” And then Melon left.

“I hope we see her again!” said May.

“ANYWAY,” said Chlesea. “We were talking about name changes for Lemon before you cane!”

May looked excitedly at the squid. “Ohh, like what?”

“Don’t do it!” cried Lemo.

“Your name could be Demon!” said Chelsea.

“There would be implications if my name were Demon!”

There was a couple of knocks on the door. “You called?” said someone.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” screamed the squid

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa” screamed the rat

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” squeamed the hedgehog

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

“Hurry! to the mission!” And then Chelsea and Lemon and May beeped the button and jumped into a portal

Demon entered the room. “Wow, rude much?”

To be continued????

((By the way, I just want to say thanks to whoever commented on my fics last year, I appreciate it.))

Oath of Office

A/N: i need a better title for this. if you think of one, please tell me

I will fight for canon

My weapons will be my words

I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die or worse

Until I die, until I die

I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die or worse

I will not kill Suethors

For they are sentient things

I will kill their Mary-Sues until I die or worse

Until I die, until I die

I will kill their Mary-Sues until I die or worse

I will keep this promise

If it will be my death

I will fight to my last breath until I die or worse

Until I die, until I die

I will fight to my last breath until I die or worse

By Elbereth and Luthien

I will fight the Sueish hordes until I die, oh

By Elbereth and Luthien, oh

I will still fight, I will still fight, oh

Until I die, until I die, oh

I will still fight, I will still fight, oh

“I think,” Alice Verres said, “that this whole thing you’ve got going on is really stupid.”

“... Excuse me?”, said the Sunflower Official - or rather, the DIA agent who was translating its telepathic speech. Alice had expressed discomfort at intrusions into her brain.

The 13-year-old girl pulled a stack of papers from her laptop case. “I can back it up - this is a printout of several utilitarian philosophy papers and Sequences. I would recommend starting with Brian Tomasik's ‘Do Video-Game Characters Matter Morally?’ - though it does argues from a real-world-- well, that’s the thing, isn’t it, it’s not the only--”

“We refer to it as World One,” the translator acquiesced. Despite rationally knowing that the Sunflower had no face or eyes, Alice somehow had the impression that it was glaring at her. “Get to the point.”

The girl sighed. “All fiction is real, and you can access and affect it. You have access to tech that would make you a God, capital G. And you use it to kill Mary Sues.”

“I understand that you’re relatively new here, but surely you have seen the damage done by--”

“You know what’s worse than bad fanfiction?” Alice raised her voice. “Rape! Murder! Torture! You could put a massive dent in the multiverse’s overall suffering just by invading glowfic!”

The Sunflower tilted its flower-head. “And destroy the canon in the process.”

Alice grinned. “Even if it destroys the laws of physics, the balance of utilons is still firmly on my side. Seriously, I did the math.”

“That’s not what we do. And not what we stand for. We cannot allow you to--”

“Oh, actually,” Alice cut it off with a giggle, “I’m not here to ask for permission. I’m here to gloat.”

The Sunflower definitely had some sort of sensory organs in its disk - it turned to the translator for a moment, then back to Alice. Then back to the translator. She decided it was either confused or panicking, and just in case it was the former (and because she had a script planned), continued:

“I got in touch with some like-minded people in DoSAT. With the help of the Machine Intelligence Research Institute’s papers, they’ve been working on a recursively self-improving artificial general intelligence, which according to my calculations should reach singularity right aboooooouuuuuut…”

And then the whole multiverse was turned into fluffy coffee shop AUs.

Title: Sexy Times With Jieyuan
Author: Lilith Wydenbrooke
Pairing: Jacques Bonnefoy/Liu Siyuan
Rating: NC-17 ((actually more like PG-15 lol))
Warnings/Tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Content Warnings, Pancakes, Maple Syrup, Inappropriate Use of Food, I'm bad at tagging, I'm bad at summaries, Bottom Liu Siyuan, Top Liu Siyuan, Top Jacques Bonnefoy, Bottom Jacques Bonnefoy, Closet Renovations, Marie Kondo, Body Hair, Waxing, Baby Dolphins, Narnia, Internet Searches, Teacher/Student Roleplay, Naughty Student, Corporal Punishment, Miette, Haddocks, The Knights Who Say Ni, Monty Python Jokes, Mangoes, Horses, Business Practices, Corporations, Office Setting, Princess Carrying, Swooning, Resurrection, Selfcest, Clones, Catboys, Catboy Liu Siyuan, ((there will be more tags as I add more chapters, I am so sorry hS))
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin: Jieyuan having fun times together. Don’t think too much about the details! -wink-
Notes: YAOI! DON’T LIEK, DON’T READ! ALSO I’M SO MAD THAT CHRISTIANNE AND ELEDHWEN GOT MARRIED!11!! ELEDHWEN IS 2 GUD 4 CHRISTIAENEN WHO IS JUST A BITHC I CANT BELIEVE SHE GOT A TRJECK BACKSTORY TO MAKE ELEDHWN FEEL BAD 4 HER WHEN SHE IZ DA ABUSEER!1! IM NEVER RITING 4 THEM AGAIN!!11 >:(

Sexy Times With Jieyuan

Chapter One: For The Love of Maple Syrup

It was just another morning at the Protector of Plot Continuum headquarters. Liu Siyuan watched Jacques tuck into his pancakes with a fond smile. The pancakes were perfectly fluffy, made from the right combination of flour and butter and eggs and baking powder. The maple syrup was harvested from only the finest of maple trees in Canada.

“Do you like your pancakes, Jacques?” wondered Liu Siyuan.

Jacques waggled his eyebrows. “They’re perfectly fluffy.” he said. “I like them very much.”

“Good,” declared Liu Siyuan, whipping off his apron to reveal he was not wearing anything underneath. He grabbed the bottle of maple syrup freshly harvested from Canada, and poured it down his chest. “Would you like to have me next?”

Liu Siyuan’s entire expression wrinkled. “I decline to answer that question.”

“Did you find Narnia?” asked Jacques.

“Worse,” said Liu Siyuan. “I found your internet browsing history.”

Jacques’ cheeks flushed plum blossom pink. “Siyuan, I respect you very much and would never do any of the things—”

He was cut off by Liu Siyuan kissing him. “I want to do all of the things with you,” he said.

“Okay!” said Jacques happily.

That earned him a chuckle. “Touché,” said Jacques. “Read on. Apparently ‘all of the things’ starts with some light teacher-student roleplay.”

“Oh really?” asked naughty schoolboy Jacques, clambering onto the teacher’s desk and pulling Liu Siyuan forward by his sexy blue-green tie. “And how are you going to punish me in detention, Liu-laoshi?”

Liu Siyuan responded by kissing his student, who responded by opening his eager pink boy mouth like a ripe blossom —

Liu Siyuan grabbed the tablet and lightly bopped him on the head with it in a way that he could only have picked up from Dawn McKenna, before reluctantly (and with clear Morbid Curiosity in his eyes) continuing to scroll through the fic.

“If that’s what it takes,” said Jacques, pausing just to kiss his cultivator one last time, “then it’s worth it. You are worth fighting for.”

Liu Siyuan swooned into Jacques’ arms like a distressed damsel. “Oh, Jacques, take me now!” he begged, ripping his robes open. Jacques picked him up into a princess carry.

“Of course,” he said, with another kiss. “Just one more for the road.”

“We start a business?” Liu Siyuan’s brows furrowed deeper.

Jacques chuckled. “I remember that feeling all too well. Anyway, keep reading, you haven’t even gotten to the unhinged part yet.”

“You’re still hurt,” said the cultivator, “and should relax.”

“I’m fine! The immortality thing sorta resets me, you know,” said Jacques, but he kissed back nonetheless, his hands coming up to cup the sides of Liu Siyuan’s face. Liu Siyuan pulled back with a sigh, before turning and shouting:

“A-Wang! Yuanyuan! Sect Leader Liu! Jacques is awake again!”

Almost immediately, a younger version of Liu Siyuan with short cropped hair and an ESAS t-shirt came running in. “Jacques!” he said happily. “You’re okay! We missed you lots and lots!”

Just behind him was a slightly older Liu Siyuan with his short hair in a white-to-black-ombre. He had cat ears on his head and they twitched. “It’s good to see nya awake~” purred the cat boy, his tail flicking happily. “Yuanyuan has missed master very myach.”

And then finally, another set of arms wrapped around Jacques from behind, and a pair of lips pressed themselves against his ear. “I am gratified to see you alive and well again, Jieke,” drawled a dulcet sexy low voice, and when Jacques turned to see who it belonged to, he saw the face of Liu Siyuan as a legendary immortal beauty, the cold and refined Sect Leader of Liuying Valley. His hair was done up with an elaborate silver and jade hairpiece in the shape of a crane, and his robes were in the finest of blue-green and white silks.

The original Liu Siyuan squeezed his hand. “We were all so concerned for you this time. It was the combined power of our love that brought you back from the Great Void. We hope you will not be so reckless with yourself in the future.”

“You have all of us to choose from!” added the youngest Liu Siyuan. “A-Wang hopes Jacques will take it easy and let us pamper him!”

Jacques couldn’t help but grin as he stroked his hand through A-Wang’s hair. “Of course. Where do I begin?”

“That door certainly is missing a few hinges,” agreed Liu Siyuan, folding his hands in his lap. “Three copies of myself?”

Jacques raised his other eyebrow. “That’s the strange part for you?”

Liu Siyuan looked at him sharply. “That’s not?” he demanded.

Jacques shook his head. “Siyuan, ah, that’s exactly how you incur the wrath of the Ironic Overpower!”

ETA: Eledhwen, Christianne, Dis, the Agent, and Liu Siyuan are fair game for badfic (though I would be pretty amused to see anyone try to write LSY with him appearing in exactly 1 thing so far). Jacques is being used here with the knowledge (and general morbid amusement) of Zingenmir.))

get it cuz it's like FanGirl but im all about the FUN? I am FUNGIRL. GET IT?

omg i cant believe it's that time of year! im so excited! Im digging up an oldie but a goodie haha and i have NEVAR posted anything anywhere befor so BE NICE ok?

Title: an all lower-case song lyric title(with some parenthesis)

Pairing: hS/Reader porbably lol spoilers i guess

Summary: My mother SOLD me to the PPC?!?!?!??!

Chatper 1: Beginnenings

[BEEEEEEEEEEP COME ON Y/N I SAID BEEEEEEEEP]

Groaning you rolled out of your bed and tried to remember were you were. oh right. you were at the PPC because your terrible mother had sold you to the PPC because she couldnt pay the bills because she was an alcolic.

FLASHBACK

“Y/N!!!” mom screeched like an angry owl. “get out of bed!!! you lazy!!! girl!!!”

Groaning you rolled out of your bed and put your naturally blonde with blonde highlights hair up in a messy bun and then you put on your biggest hoodie that said PPC Protectors of teh Plot Continum on it and it had all of the hottest guys on it like Hinesoron and some others. The hoodie was way too big on you cuz your too skinny and everyone hates you but you also look so pretty when you have just woken up though you are like barely aware of it. you went down to breakfast and there was mom still super mad but you werent even late so you dint know why.

“y r u so mad?” you asked and mom thrw a piece of toast at your face like a shurken.

“don’t disrespect your elders!!!” she scremed. “you are so lazy and rude!!! I cant have you in the house nemore!!! I am selling you to the PPC!!!!”

“what” you cried tears streaming down your face from your orbs that were sparkling with tears.

“they will straighten you out an no mistake!!! and they are paying a hefty sum might I add!!! this will buy me a lot of booz and also drugs!!!”

You couldnt believe that your mom was selling you to the PPC for drug money. but it was true! You thought you could run away from it but she made you pack a bag so you took your big duffle bag and you put all of your clothes that were black and all your potted plants (you love potted plants for some raisin) and a poster of Hs wearing a golden cape and your stationary computer and eighteen books. you loved to read because you were not like other girls that were all about make-up but you were still naturally so much prettier than them.

Mom called you down again. You took one last look at your room and crid some more then you took your bag and left. There was someone new in the kitchen and mom was counting hundreds in piles and piles on the table.

“hi” said the sunflower official thtat was there. “i have herd a lot of good things about you Y/N. Are you ready to become an assassni?”

END FLASHBACK

So here you are about to get a mission. BUT. Who is your PARTNER?!?!?! FIND OUT

(since i am only 14 if you are mean to me in comments I am callin the FBI! it is my FIRST FANFIC)

((Hello, this is Ekwy. And this was so much fun, but the second person POV scrambled my brain. I never played with writing badfic with my agents back in the day, but Blank, Ekwy, Moira and anyone else is totally up for grabs!))

(Author’s Note: Hello y’all, Louie Carolole’s older sib here. Louie’s unfortunately suffering burnout at the moment, but he was real insistent I help him crank something out for this group. I feel he’s grown attached to the community, and all that. Anyway, I think it’s nice he finally found a good place to express his imagination, and I’ve tried to be supportive of him the last few years. Wouldn’t be a good sister if I didn’t, eh?

So. This bit of writing's technically from me, I guess, so I’ll change up the name a bit to suit. Ideas are from him, but actual translation into understandable words are from me. To be honest, though, the only knowledge I have of this canon is from the wiki, so don’t expect characterization masterpieces.

So yeah. Hope you understand, and I hope y’all enjoy the piece.

-Lou Carole)

(Disclaimer - Homestuck, Y’gatha Mesome’s home continuum, belongs to Andrew Hussie. Y’gatha herself belongs to that one aspiring artist on the wiki’s Discussion page, whoever owns the throwaway account of No1r413. World One belongs to whoever or whatever created World One, a topic that is still hotly debated by World One-ers to this day. The PPC belongs to Acacia and Jay, wherever they are. The Emergencies referenced belong to those who created them in the first place, though I’m not entirely certain who they were. Pokemon belongs to Gamefreak and I guess Nintendo. The Cthulhu Mythos belong to H. P. Lovecraft. I only own the characters of the half-flesh robot, Mr. Matterhorn, and Torchic 04.)

(Content Warning: Contains cooking with fire, chopping with knives, zombie-robots, metal limbs popping off, a reference to a very Not-Safe-For-FourMoons character, large Homestuck bug aliens, and ligma.)

“Pew pew pew! Y’gatha Mesome obliterates your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum with her muse of all aspects powers!”

Y’gatha Mesome grinned, baring glitter-caked fangs at the two unfortunate souls in front of her. Her insectoid wings buzzed loudly as she hovered ominously in mid-air, and her pupiless eyes glowed with an ever-changing array of light. The raw power of a Muse of All Aspects flickered around her claws, and her smile grew wider as she thought of the fear she was causing the sad mooks in front of her.

Neither soul gave her more than a sidelong glance.

The older one, an overweight, elderly man with more wrinkles than a crumpled tuxedo in a dog park and a graying beard flecked with unidentifiable meat, raised an eyebrow.

Y’gatha stared at the two as they shuffled around their strange little working area, pulling glittering meat from wooden boxes and moving them around and chopping and slicing and generally doing Cafeteria work without a care in the world. This didn’t please Y’gatha very much, and she cleared her throat.

”Pew pew pew-”

The older worker slammed the cleaver they were slicing with down with a loud thunk and spun his head around to stare at her.

“What is it?” he asked.”Surely you can wait a little, eh? Souffle won’t be ready ‘til lunch hour.”

The younger worker, a scrawny but comically top-heavy woman with metal where some of her skin should’ve been and rotting, sinewy muscle where the metal wasn’t, poured a few drops of Bleeprin onto a tray of meatloaf and started spreading it with a rubber spatula.

“To be fair, lunch break doesn’t really… exist around here. Time is weird, and all that.” She idly scratched the pair of dry, raggedy rodent ears on the top of her head with a metallic claw. “But still. Main courses aren’t ready yet.”

Y’gatha looked from one worker to the other, slowly feeling like she wasn’t being taken seriously.

”Y’gatha is not here for souffle,” she proclaimed, drawing herself up. ”Y’gatha is here to obliterate your entire fun sucking wet-blanket-”

The older worker clicked his tongue loudly. “You said that already,” he remarked, chopping at a stick of butter. “Can’t go attracting the ire of the Department of Redundancy Department now, eh? Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Besides,” added the younger worker. “You’re already a bit iffy on that front to begin with. There’s been a lot of people wanting to destroy HQ before, from what I’ve heard, so this almost seems repetitive.” She picked up the tray of meatloaf and walked over to the oven.

The older man tilted up his chopping board, sliding his sliced butter into a small bowl, chuckling as he did so. “I’ll say. But hey, at least it’s something, eh? Normally work’s boring as all get-out, so anything’s a nice change of pace.” He picked up a few shakers of salt, pepper, and black glitter and began sprinkling it into the bowl.

He adjusted his glasses and turned to the other worker. “Take for example, Slorp. You remember Slorp?”

”Slorp?” hissed Y’gatha, striding forward and standing in front of the old man, arms crossed. ”What is Slorp, and what does it have to do with Y’gatha’s story?”

The younger worker slid her tray of meatloaf into the oven and slammed the door shut, before tapping away at the timer. A whip-like, hairless tail awkwardly poking out from the back of her uniform twitched slightly, sending flakes of dead skin floating to the ground. “Don’t remind me,” she said. “I was cleaning meat out of my wires for weeks after that.”

“And we were cleaning your limbs out of the meat! Ho! Ho! Ho!” The man casually sidestepped Y’gatha and opened up a drawer.

“...Yeah, and that. Made the cleaning a lot harder than it should have been, let me tell you that.”

”Y’gatha-” Y’gatha tried again, but neither Cafeteria worker seemed to be listening anymore.

The older agent chuckled again as he pulled out a whisk and began churning the spiced butter. “But believe me, it was worse before then. Were you there when the Macroviruses showed up?”

The younger agent blinked, stepping away from the oven. “Um. I don’t think so, no.” She headed over to a large refrigerator, pulling out a few containers.

The old man nodded. “Well, believe me, it was a wild time back there! Ho! Ho! Ho! Giant bugs, sister. Giant bugs. They crawled into people and did giant evil bug things and generally made a mess of everything. Lots of chaps died.” He pulled out a jar of sugar and began heavily coating the top of the butter mix.

“I almost died!” he continued with a grin. “Ho! Ho! Ho! And when that was over, the Sue Factories invaded!”

He put the jar (which for whatever reason had transformed into a bag) of sugar to the side and picked up a bird-creature passing by. “Oh, hello there. Torchic, Ember.” The small orange chicken-thing in his hands obliged, shooting a burst of fire at the sugared butter.

The rat-like younger worker blinked again. “Ah, was that when-” She shot a sidelong glance at Y’gatha. “Erm. Hey, how good are you at keeping secrets?”

Y’gatha scowled. “Y’gatha will obliterate-”

“Yeah, good enough.” She turned back to the old man. “That’s when I started working here, right?”

The man laughed. “Ho! Ho! Ho! In a sense, yes.” He turned to Y’gatha with a conspiratory grin. “One of the Sues there, she was. Don’t even know if she ever got sent for a de-glittering session or nothing. Ho!”

The Torchic in his hands started squirming a bit, so the man put it down. “Ah, yes. Good Pokey-man.” He patted it lightly on the head. “Good work, here.”

The Torchic took a moment to proudly puff out its chest, displaying the tiny bird-sized pore fungus flash patch taped to its feathers, before spinning on its heel(?) and trotting off.

The younger woman pursed her lips. “Right. Not that it matters, of course. Nobody seemed to mind me working here, and I’m frankly fine with it. Better than soldiering, at least. Limbs come off less frequently, too.” As if on cue, on of her arms popped off with a metallic click and fell to the floor in a sad heap of rotten flesh and rusted metal.

“...Screw you, Ironic Overpower.”

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” boomed the old man, adjusting his inch-thick glasses.

”Excuse me, Y’gatha is still important!” shouted Y’gatha. Neither agent reacted.

The younger worker bent over and picked up her disembodied arm before roughly jamming it back in place with a sound that was a combination of wet meat squelching and the hair-raising screech of metal on metal. “Anyway,” she said. “Could you pass the sugar?”

“Ah, sure. Sorry about that, I’m just finding everything dreadfully funny today. Ho! Ho!” The man picked up the jar of sugar and tossed it across the kitchen. It nearly clocked Y’gatha in the head, and she ducked away, hissing.

“Thanks.” The younger woman caught the jar in one metal claw and set it next to a carton of milk and a packet of table salt.

“So,” she added, pouring some sugar into a bowl. “Y’gatha, was it? What’re you here for, again? Where’re you from?”

Y’gatha pulled herself fully upright. "Y'gatha is from the Discussion page on your Wiki, here to obliterate your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum! You utter buffoons do not even know you are but puppets under control of-"

She was interrupted by a glob of butter being flung onto her face.

"Nope!" the old man said with a grin, swinging a large measuring spoon by his side as Y’gatha hissed and began wiping off her face with her claws. "Not doing another Swan Song, thank you very much. One was enough!"

“Don't know what you're talking about, but I fully agree. Fourth wall breaking’s a real touchy subject, especially here of all places.” The younger worker mixed in the packet of table salt and a pinch of cornstarch, before unscrewing the lid of the milk carton. “So. Y'gatha. Before you go to try and blow up the place, how about you get to know the people a little? I promise they’re a lot better than they seem at first.”

The old man chuckled. “Believe me, I know. Ho! Ho! Ho!”

The woman continued. “It doesn’t have to start with violence, you know? Talk to people. Explore the place. Maybe take a look around before you raze it all to the ground. Besides, who knows? You might even wind up attached a bit.”

“Hold up, where are our manners?” said the old man. “We never even introduced ourselves!” His gray, raggedy beard twitched as he grinned, and he held out a glitter-and-blood-stained hand. “Ligma B. Matterhorn, at your service! Well met, and ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ho! Ho! Ho!”

He gestured over to the younger worker, who had gone to mixing at her bowl of ambiguously-edible Cafeteria slime. “The anime ratgirl over there is Koratta Tesso. Don’t mind the rusty metal bits and rotting flesh, she still has more soul than a good amount of folk I’ve met here! Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Lies and slander,” Tesso deadpanned, pouring the off-white slime from the bowl into a saucepan. “Anyways, welcome to the PPC, enjoy your stay while you can.”

Y’gatha blinked, horribly confused and feeling angry. These idiots weren’t giving her the attention she craved, the respect she deserved with her powers, they weren’t scared or-

Of course.

They weren’t Agents, that had to be the issue! The conflict between Sues and the PPC always seemed to revolve around Assassins and Disentanglers and Floaters and the like, not background extras like Cafeteria workers.

Y’gatha grinned. It was time to find some real targets.

The old man raised an eyebrow at her. “So. You staying for the souffle, or…”

Y’gatha cackled, wings buzzing louder as she raised herself off the ground. ”No souffle!” she screeched. ”Y’gatha is off! Y’gatha is powerful! Y’gatha will be respected!”

In an act of spite, she raised a hand and fired a bolt of multicolored energy into the kitchen, blasting several prepared dishes and containers of ingredients to pieces. She cackled again as her eyes glowed bright, lighting up the walls like a disco ball.

“Pew pew pew! Y’gatha Mesome obliterates your entire fun sucking wet blanket continuum with her muse of all aspects powers!” she roared one last time, before blasting out of the kitchen, out of the Cafeteria, into the halls of HQ, leaving behind only the echoing of her mad laughter.

The two cafeteria workers stood in silence for a bit.

“Well, then,” the older one said, shrugging. “Back to work, I suppose.” He picked up his bowl of freshly-made butter-and-glitter crème brûlée and put it to the side.

The younger one sighed. “She didn’t even say goodbye.” Her tail flicked in agitation, and a few more flakes of dead skin scattered off. “Rather rude, even for a Sue.”

“Eh.” The old man shrugged and pulled out a jar of Bleeprin, scattering some pills into a measuring spoon. “Could’ve been worse, as far as big dramatic shenanigans go. Could’ve been another Key to Canon thing, or another Swan Song.” He tumbled the pills into a small baking tray and dumped a tub of cookie dough on top of them, ignoring the splotches that flew out of the pan and into his beard.

“I… I don’t know what those are, but alright.” The younger worker bent down and started picking up the broken glass and shards of metal scattered from Y’gatha’s energy blast. She looked up at the old man. “Anyways, should we just pretend this never happened?”

“I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about. Ho! Ho! Ho!”

((Welp. Guess this is happening again. Anyways!

This badfic was actually spawned from a combination of midnight delirium and my natural lack of ability to piece together a long-term story. I just... kinda let loose and let the sleep-deprived writing muse take the reigns for this one.

So, hope y'all like it. Or hate it, which would probably be better for a badfic games piece. Signing off.

-OrangeFox))

Hey! I installed Grammarly now! My sentences should be better (hopefully)!

I hoping to follow someone's steps and make a gacha story involving, guess who?, O'Ryan Keys! Maybe with Attikus. I heard Kittyauthor talking about him...

Anyhow, I'm K1tK@t. I love weird and niche fandoms! They're my specialty :)

-K1tK@t

Once again, I ask that no one use Kittyauthor in their badfic. She's way too close to me for me to be comfortable with her use, I'm sorry.

Other characters I have? Go for it. I love to see O'Ryan ruined badfic of my agents :)

Have fun!

-kA, who needs to both write the fanfic of the day and write badfic sometime this month.

A/n: kk so like i said on my porfile iv'e matured alot as a wirter these patlst few years.. I wont' be deliting the old Jaycacia sotries but I wantto make them mor groundes from now no. Also myg irlfriend betad thus so DONT' BE MEAN!!!

Um and the chaptre tittle dousn't mean content, but content, you gt it?

~

It all seemed like something of a bad dream.

She had died. She had discovered her mother (Jay) was not her mother, but PPC HQ was really her mother (or actually father). Her not-mother's love for her lover (the SO) had brought her back to life. She had killed her other mother (Acacia) and only been saved by the power of her lovers' love (her not-mother was also her lover then). She had become the Starflower, defeated the evil Sub Rosa and her Spies, and died again. She had been resurrected by Illian (not as the Starflower any more), and through Lux's black magickckck had been wrought pregnant with PPC HQ (the father was the SO). She had found out that Lux had maybe lied, and that her evil mother (Acacia) was actually the Avatar's baby with a badfic. She had failed to stop the Avatar getting pregnant, but then it was okay because they tied Acacia up and didn't let her out unless she agreed to be good. She had founded a PPC OFU, defeated the evil fangirls, and then shut the OFU down again because it wasn't needed any more.

Jaycacia Thornbyrd had never wanted any of that. She had just wanted to be the best agent in the PPC, and to have a nice loving family in which nobody tried to kill her (except Mary Sues of course). And now, finally… she could.

She had separated from her husband, the Sunflower Official. They still loved one another, but they had mutually agreed that the head of the PPC and his best agent probably shouldn't be in a relationship - it didn't set the right example. Similarly, while she still loved Jay, it had mellowed into something close to what they had originally had: the love of a daughter for her mother, in action if not in blood. They lived together in Jay's Response Center, Room F - with Jay's partner, Acacia Byrd.

Yes, Acacia, the Department of Fictional Psychology's greatest triumph. Somehow, the psychologists had managed to draw out all her evil, malevolence, nastiness, and wickedness and transfer it to a pumpkin. The pumpkin, glowing purple-black and vibrating with rage, was placed in a steel box and buried in the BBQ Courtyard; Acacia was sent back to her RC. She still wasn't nice - what, were they going to take the pumpkin's niceness and put it into her? - but she was… tolerable. Like a big sister going through her Goth Grump phase, Jaycacia often thought.

Jaycacia had very little work to do, for the SO had agreed that her great powers should only be employed for really bad fanfic. Most of the time, she was able to wander around the city in Caledonia, gazing up at the snow-capped mountains and eating haggis to the sound of bagpipes. When that grew tiring (as bagpipes will), she was able to retreat into the cool, quiet corridors of PPC HQ. The spirit that inhabited the vast building, her child-parent, didn't often speak to her, but she felt comforted by the knowledge of its presence.

For the first time in forever, Jaycacia Thornbyrd was… content.

~

Acacia Byrd didn't look round. "The PPC… they've got a fire-themed department now, haven't they?"

"All right, yes, she's back." Jay pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket. She kept her eyes on it as she unfolded it, avoiding Acacia's gaze. "But it's not as bad as normal."

Acacia grimaced, and reached out to pluck the page from Jay's compulsively-smoothing fingers. "That depends on exactly how bad it is…"

((Sometimes I just feel the need to write out all Jaycacia's adventures, to convince myself that I actually wrote them… ~hS))

Edit: Ive gotten the formatting right now so it actually looks like a poem. Title: Lament for the fantasy genre

Her mission to kill the Witchking of Angmar completed, Rebecca sat on a rock and sang

"Ancient days all have passed away

And the loveless rule the land

Now good men fear their friends’ swords and spears

For a traitor’s pay no man will stay

And be true to all his oaths

A lover’s kiss falls on bleeding lips

As weeping fills the air

For the faithless wait behind every gate

Wielding swords with their poisoned words

Now I long for the days when all men were true

And a man’s word was his bond

But now my tears fall on deafened ears

For no one will hear my words"

((This is Claire. I'm hoping someone writes a story with Rebecca in it, but I'm also terrified because that probably means all Mordor is going to break loose.))

Im so happy to write for u guys this year! I thought up lots of new storys and I hope u enjoy them. I love writing about romance and danger cause those are like sooooo fun. Also pirates heart eyes. I hope u like my work cause a lot of people have been accusing me of writing Mary Sues and their soooo mean! Ellie Mae Rosebud is not a Sue! Haters gonna hate so f off if u a hater cause noone likes u.

(OOC: Midnight here, feeling very ashamed she can still write like her twelve year old Suethor self. My agents are up for any character mangling you so desire. Have fun!)

It's... wow, its' been a while since I though about this place. I think my last sotry was in 2017, or maybe 2017?? I cant' even rember!

I think I've matured a lot as a writer since those days -Ive even oot a beta! shes' also my girlfiend so I know shes' always gonig to say nice tigns about my stories. DONTBE MEAN ABUT HER ok???

It's actually slightly embarasing to look back on yome of my owld stories - some of the rithngs Jaycacia got up to, eesh!! I#m going to be soning that back a bit. Not that I'm going to be rid of theowld stories though! I'ma not crazy!! But they'le gonig to be a bit more grounded form now on.

((PFFFFFT yeah right. At least her spelling's improved.))

((Most of JayBird's stories are on her profile. She also has Darkheart & Lightheart from 2016, which she says is unfinished but I think ends quite 'nicely', and Tofu Hop from 2017. Apparently I didn't write anything for 2018-20; hopefully I can break the streak now!))

((Does having a girlfriend mean New England's most persistent fangirl actually knows what sex this this year? ... don't count on it. XD))

((hS))