Subject: AI Dungeon Can Write Good Missions!
Posted on: 2021-09-12 15:57:17 UTC

((No, no it cannot.))

((Warning for gore, although all such instances have been spoilered.))

A/N: You are Sir Kit.

You are a member of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (henceforth known as the PPC). You work as an assassin and have been resting before the console beeps again.


You growl and get out of bed, slapping the accept button and reading the summary to the badfic.

"The plot thickens." You mutter to yourself. "So much for this being a good night..."

You say "Hey, mate! We got another mission! It's a bad one!"

You wake up your partner, Alicia.

You enter the code for contacting her and you watch as she wakes up. Her eyes flicker open and she smiles when she sees who is calling.

"Glorious leader! What can I do for you?"

You say "We gotta a mission. And don't call me that."

Alicia rolls her eyes. "But Glorious Leader, we have uncovered evidence that the enemy has made a major attack. We need to go and support our brethren!"

You sigh. Alicia is always like this. You don't even know how the Flowers haven't declared her officially flamethrower mad. Then again, everyone is mad here.

You drag her to the Bag of Holding. "Pack up the stuff we need. I'll program the coordinates into the console."

"But, what about your side project?" She says, frowning.

"It can wait," You reply. "I'm the Great Lich Lord. I cannot be denied." You pat your chest proudly.

You figured it would shut her up for two seconds.

You program the coordinates into the portal maker thingy.

"What's your Hogwarts house?" you ask.

"Gryffindour," She replies.

"Good. Pick up the bag, then come over here."

You watch as she walks over. "Harry Potter, o' Glorious Leader?" she asks.

"No, Twilight," you respond. "Yes, Harry Potter! Now, come on Alicia, let's go defeat another Sue." You both walk through the portal.

You and Alicia have been turned from an elf and robot respectfully to two generic Hogwarts students. She is a Gryffindour; you are a Ravenclaw. The others are a boy and a girl from Hufflepuff and Slytherin respectively. The two from the top schools get killed almost immediately.

"Dang Sue," you growl. "Where's the bag? I need to start charging her."

"I brought it over here, why?"

You look over to her; she's frowning at you. "What?"

"You're acting really weird, and weird is scary."

"You're mad, I can be as 'really weird' as I want," you say. You dig through the Bag of Holding for your charge list and a pencil. While you write down charges, Alicia reads ahead in the Words.

"Why is the Sue a vampire?" Alicia asks.

"To be speshul," you reply. You put away the charge list and continue to watch the story unfold in front of you.

Alicia begins to laugh, and you look at her. "What?"

"I'm not a vampire!" She says, laughing. She attempts to strike a pose, but falls over instead.

"We know this. Shhh!" you say. You put your hand over the robot's mouth.

The Sue, in her indefinite wisdom, decided to come out as the murderer of the two students in the top houses (Slytherin and Gryffindour respectfully), but, instead of punishment, Dumbledore gives her a lolly.

Alicia removes your hand from in front of her mouth.

"Well, Glorious Leader," Alicia says, "that... does he even know what lollies are?"

"She got a lolly. It's apparently a death sentence." said a Generic.

"But she killed the students in the top houses! She's clearly evil!" said another.

"So, Dumbledore wants to poison her with a... why the heck did the Flowers send us on this mission?" you ask. You both watch as the Sue dies, only to wake back up and declare herself immortal "from teh pson."

"He gave you poison, stupid," you say. You grab the charge list back out. "Charge for making DD OOC as shpx, for surviving poison when they can only survive pson... anything else you wanna add, Alicia?"

"No, why do we have to be on this mission?"

You close the notebook. "I'll... I'll ask the right questions later, okay? Besides, I already asked that."

Then, a scene shift happens.

"Glorious Leader!" Alicia screams. Thankfully, it is into the wall she face planted onto (into?). Meanwhile, you have a floor burn from skidding across the Generic Hallway Floor in... a generic hallway in Hogwarts. Great.

"Alicia, where were we?" you ask.

"The Sue came out as the murderer!"

"Yeah, and?"

"And I remembered that!"

You say "What, did you think we had a worse memory than we do?"

She sighs, and turns around, only to fall off the wall she was stuck on. "Ow!"

"That's what you get for turning around when you're stuck on a wall," you tease. "Oh, hey, look! Snape is part of Evil!Dumbledore's clan thingy! A rare charge!" You write down the charge.

The scene shifts again. Now, you are in a forest.

"Alicia, you can get out of the tree now."

"I'm trying my best, Sir Kit!"

"Try harder," you yell back. You notice Dumbledore and... Ron?! throwing the bodies into the water so that "teh Sue cannot feed off of them."

You want to destroy your charge list. "OH COME ON!"

"I'M TRYING, GLORIOUS LEADER!" Alicia yelled. Dumbledore looks her way, and you glare at her to shut up.

Thankfully, he goes back to his task of talking to Ron. "So, Rookwood, how's your family doing?

You say "What the-"

"Since when was Ron named Rookwood?" You exclaim. Alicia shrugs. "I don't know. But this scenario is a little strange, don't you think?"

"Yeah, strange enough for a change in charge," you say, fixing the Ron OOC charge to Ron replaced.

"So, Gl-"

You interrupt her. "If you're gonna call me anything leaderish, call me liege and not a very long title, please!"

"But I-"

"No! You call me ruler or liege if you must, but never leader again!"

She nods. "Glorious ruler and liege."

You sigh.

"No," you say, but you give up. There is no way Alicia will give up this battle.

You sigh and begin to put away your things. However, yet another scene shift happens, slamming you (and your CAD, DORKS, charge list) all into the wall. No one notices, luckily. You lay on the floor, recovering, trying to get your bearings. A small voice says, "I'm bored."

You look around and see that you're back in the Generic Room.

"Lovely," you say. "This badfic is making absolutely no sense whatsoever."

Alicia looks down at you. "You okay?" she asks. "Need to go to Medical?"

"No," you say. You get up. You don't really know where to go from here. "I'm fine."

The Sue is teaching herself the Dark Arts and misspelling all the spells, so of course, instead of the spider dying or being controlled, it gets turned into a small, helpless baby spider.

"A baby spider?" you ask. "Aren't they smaller?"

Alicia shrugs.

You read the Words. "The Sue doesn't know half of the effects! She just said 'I dd the speel to turn the spooder into a babi!' Like that is even Dark Arts!"

The Sue hears you screaming your head off. "I know! I know! But it's English, not Dark Arts! And I thought it would be funny."

"Well, it isn't," you say.

You hear a giggle.

"Alicia, stop laughing," you say.

"Also, how the-" The Sue was cut off by you slamming her into the wall.

"Alicia, charge list!"

"But, the Flowers-"

"Charge list!"

Panting, she gives you the charge list.

You sigh and, wiping your forehead, look at the list. "Mary Sue with no name for some reason, you are being charged with: Being a Mary Sue, Unnecessary murder and drama at the beginning of the story, for surviving poison when you can only survive pson, making Dumbledore OOC, causing Dumbledore to have a clan, causing Snape to be a part of said clan, replacing Ron, being a vampire, causing scene shifts, annoying the agents, changing Ron's name to something ridiculous, being a wizard murderer and not getting jail time, and causing me more anger at my partner than normal. Any last words?" You get your knife out and hold it to her neck.

She looks at you, panicked. "I'm sorry!" she says.


She goes quiet.

You stab her in the neck. She dies. You portal the body into Dishonored, where no one would be surprised to see it.

"That's it for this story," you say.

"Ron replacement, Glorious Le-, er, liege and ruler?" Alicia asks.

"Right, let's go."

You portal to the Ron replacement.

Gore Again

You put away your knife and leave the room.

"Gosh dang it, Sir Kit! The Flowers!" Alicia said. "The FLOWERS!"

"Shpx the Flowers right now," you say. You open a portal back to the RC.

"You shouldn't have done that!" the agent says nervously. "It's going to get you in trouble!"


The console goes blip. The Sunflower requests you in his office.


((In case you don't know what AI Dungeon is, it's an AI-run RPG where you input a command beginning with "you" and it creates the environment. I had to modify some of this to make it coherent, but it's still (laughably) bad. Also, either character present (especially Sir Kit, that elf is now my badfic character lol) can be used elsewhere. If you would like the custom world code whatever, I can send it to you through Discord. I don't recall my user but I'm on the PPC Discord, the one user with an Ace flag as my profile picture.))

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