Subject: You're right, this needs talking about.
Author:
Posted on: 2017-05-17 17:25:00 UTC

First, a bit of admin. I assume you've been sending emails to harryheath99@hotmail.com; I got locked out of it about six weeks ago and have not gained access to it since, as hS will attest. My new email address is hheath1992@hotmail.com, so if you want to send me anything via email, send it there.

With regards to what happened to July:

It's not about Ix. It was not about Ix at the time. It was about how I felt, well, that I wasn't really her friend. I was just a convenient ear to talk when someone said something she didn't like. After she returned from deployment, we barely spoke; we spoke at New Year's Eve and then nothing for three months until she starts fuming at me about Matt Cipher tangentially mentioning her in a post celebrating the women of the Board, which set her off for reasons she elaborated on the Board.

After that conversation ended, I got to thinking... was this all our friendship was going to be? I accept that I could have been more active in attempting to contact her, but she has an extremely time-consuming job and frankly, I didn't want to bother her with the various trivialities of my life. So, a couple of days later, I decided to cut ties. I sent a long, rambling series of messages over Google Chat, blocked July everywhere, and left it at that.

Then all this started happening.

I didn't talk about what I'd said because, since it was a private conversation with someone I neither wanted to talk to or about, I didn't feel obliged to go into it. More to the point, I didn't want to go into it. During the time when the harassment was going on in the Discord, I was much more concerned with Ix than I was with July; I was not posting in the Discord at the time because I was trying to get hold of them through Google Chat, which is my primary means of communication these days. I'm really bad at checking my email and, as evidenced here, updating people as to any new email addresses.

I don't recall everything that was said in that rant - which is not an invitation for anyone to throw it up on the Board, by the by - but, well, "Scapegrace made cutting, hurtful remarks" is not nearly as unknown a refrain as it should be. I was and remain done with July. I didn't want to talk to her any more, so I sent a message explaining my position.

That all being said.

This obviously hurt July far more deeply than I ever intended, through a combination of evidently ill-chosen words and unfortunate timing. Those are just excuses, though. Someone else contacted me about this whole mess with July and, well, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I was wrong to cut contact in the way that I did.

July, in the event you're reading this: I'm sorry for what I said, and when I said it, and why I said it. I'm sorry for how callous it was, and I'm sorry for the hurt it caused you. I am truly, deeply sorry for it, because you don't deserve it and you never have.

I can't make things right between us; I don't think I ever could. You need better friends than me. Find them, and find some happiness. Because that's what you deserve. Not some dickhead from a decaying seaside town several thousand miles away to whom you could not turn when you needed it, but real friends, upon whom you can rely, and who can commiserate with you and console you when you need them to.

I am not that person any more, and I don't think I can cope with being that person for you again.

And I think that's what I'm sorriest for of all.

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