Subject: Exclusive Interview With the Death God!
Posted on: 2021-08-23 22:26:48 UTC

[Editor's Note: That's right, we here at the Multiverse Monitor have gained EXCLUSIVE access to Tash the Inexorable! All thanks to our intrepid reporter, Leslie Ruth! Apparently, Leslie didn't have time write it out properly, but we've taken the liberty of creating a transcript based on the original audio he recorded while interviewing Tash. Read it here, because you won't get this content anywhere else!]

Leslie Ruth: Hello! Thank you for coming! I understand you turned down a couple of my colleagues for interviews, so I feel quite honored!

Tash: Thou hast called me here.

LR: Uh, yes. Indeed right! Welcome to Headquarters, I suppose.

T: I do feel welcome, yes. It is good.

LR: . . . Good! So, I’m told that your previous . . . you . . . was a student who was training to become an agent here, Ilcharheen?

T: Tash hath always been Tash. Ilcharheen was merely preparation. Now Tash art her full self, and here Tash art.

LR: So . . . you going back to finish your schooling?

T: For what purpose? I know all I need to know. I know what art mine . . . to take.

LR: What do your classmates think of you being a god?

T: I have not asked. Tash hath no "mates." Thou wouldst know something of this, yes?

LR: What do you—Um. Never mind. Let's just . . . keep moving, move along to . . . Uh, okay. We here in the PPC tend to think of you as being from Narnia, the series. But of course, Narnia, the world, isn't really your home, is it? You have your own world.

T: I was birthed of Narnia, by the wicked thoughts hidden away in wicked hearts. But wickedness belongs not in Narnia, and so Tash stays in Tash's Country, and all the wicked alongside.

LR: And what is Tash's Country like?

T: Cooold. Dryyy. Quiiiet. Daaark.

LR: And what do you do there, exactly?

T: I shall take you there, and you shall know.

LR: Whoa ho ho, that will not be necessary! Say, there's a mission record in which you got turned into a parrot and hit with a lightning bolt. Do you remember?

T: . . . I do not, mercifully. It wouldst seem thy organization is thorough in fulfilling its purpose, including the memory erasure. Though not every member is always so successful. Is that not so, Agent Ruth?

LR: . . . What . . . What do you mean? Uh, and I'm not a field agent anymore. You can just call me Leslie.

T: Very well, Leslie.

LR: So, um . . . It seems the people of Calormen worship at least two other gods, apart from you. They're named "Azaroth" and "Zardeenah." What are they like, and what other gods do the Calormene worship?

T: I know not. I hath never met them.

LR: . . . Seriously?

T: Indeed. I cannot speak for them, but I hath been most busy.

LR: You're an immortal deity, all the time in the world, and you . . . just never met them?

T: We didst not hang out.

LR: . . . Wow. Wow. Okay, well. I was kind of hoping to pad this interview out with detailed descriptions of Narniaverse deities that never got mentioned in canon, but sure. You never hung out with them, of course.

T: Worry not. I beg an answer of thee.

LR: Sure, why not?

T: Doth the guilt weigh heavily upon thy mind?

LR: G—G—Guilt? I, uh, I don't know what you mean . . .

T: Of course thou do, Leslie Ruth. Not all men can be as brave as a high king of Narnia, but three partners? All cast into danger and death to save thyself?

LR: That isn't, that's not . . . What, did you look up my history? The official records show—

T: The only record that doth concern me is the one that beats heavy within thy chest now, Leslie Ruth. One partner, caught by an explosion thee detonated too early . . .

LR: There was no time! The Suvian was about to escape!

T: . . . Another partner, cast from thy hands directly into those of the Slow Mutants . . .

LR: It was him or me! The mine cart was too heavy!

T: . . . The last partner, blinked away with a whole story as its author cut the thread.

LR: The fic was being deleted! That wasn't my fault, she just didn't make it through the portal in time!

T: So thou hast convinced thyself. But I yet feel thy hand upon her shoulder. I feel thee shoving her backwards.

LR: Noooooooo . . .

T: Yes, thee may run now, Leslie Ruth. Thou may run, but thou mayst not hide from the end. The Inevitable will find thee. I am the Inevitable.

[Ed: Fantastic interview, Leslie! And we really miss you, so if you're reading this, come back to the office, okay?]

—doctorlit wrote this entirely on his cell phone '~'

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